still shitting my pants

Confession: I am sitting here laughing so hard at my own fucking nonsense that I am gonna have to compose myself before writing a rambly artist note.

Will you even look at this.

Okay, so: This was a gag gift, you know it was a gag gift, obviously a very well-thought out one that took some planning, but the person who gave it was apparently unaware that while you can take the man out of Iowa, you cannot take the Iowa out of the man.  Even if you manage to surgically excise every trace of Midwest, you’d STILL have someone who used to wear a purple miniskirt to work.

Last statement here is that if you’re new enough to Hawkeye that you don’t recognise the GOSH I LOVE ARROWS thing, I am going to give you the pleasure of Googe-Image-Searching it yourself.  Enjoy!  You’ve picked the right Avenger to love, you really have.

Suspicious Minds (Dean X Reader)

Words: 762

A/N: written specially for @itswitchcraft-not-googlemaps challenge!

Warnings: none. just a lot of fluff.

Originally posted by stardustsam

Originally posted by whoeverx3


You woke up in the middle of the night and realized there was an empty space next to you. Moaning lazily, you opened up your eyes to see just a pillow and a mess of sheets. You grabbed your phone and saw it was almost 3 A.M. With a groan you got up, grabbed Dean’s shirt and dragged yourself down the stairs and went to the kitchen, finding him eating the last piece of the pie you’ve bought.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re eating it all by yourself!” you complained and watched him jump on his chair, scared by your sudden appearance. He took the earphones off and looked at you.

“Sorry, sweetheart, but I woke up and needed to eat something” he said with a grin, looking at you with no remorse on his face. “Want a bite?” he offered, not really meaning it.

“No, thanks. First of all it’s three in the morning; I couldn’t eat it even if I wanted to.” You a made a grossed out face, walking towards him and sitting on his lap. “Second of all, you want it so bad that I think if I eat it, I’ll get a stomachache” you whispered, kissing his cheeks lightly.

Dean chuckled, wrapping his arms around your waist, eating the last piece. “C’mon, I’d happily give you some pie. Want it?” he asked with a full mouth, his face getting closer to yours.

“Dean, stop it!” you yelled, trying to get away from his grip, your hands on his chest. “Seriously, we’re gonna wake Sam up!” you laughed loudly, closing your eyes.

“Sorry, babe, couldn’t resist.” He said in a low voice, kissing you lightly. He got his phone to pause the song and you got curious. Grabbing it from his hand you saw he was listening to Suspicious Minds, by Elvis.

“Aww, you were listening to our song!” you exclaimed, pressing play and listening to the first accords of the song, closing your eyes as you pressed your forehead against Dean’s.

“I was remembering the first time we met.” He babbled, caressing your hair. “The way you ignored me… Man, your friends told me you were pure ice, but still. I almost shit my pants talking to you” he revealed, surprising you.

“Oh, stop it! I wasn’t that bad, was I?” you asked, starting to analyze your reactions.

“You were, but that’s fine! I wouldn’t want it any other way. You know I always loved a challenge.” He teased you, a side smile on his face.

“Why did you kept insisting then?” you questioned him, rolling your eyes at his statement but still shocked by his confessions. You never really realized you were like that.

Dean got up, placing your hands around his neck and pulling you closer to him, moving slowly, according to the rhythm song. “Well, don’t tell Sam I said that, but…” he looked down, blushing a little. That was new; in three years, you never saw him blush. “You know, I kinda believe in this whole love at first sight thing” he said in just one breath, looking up carefully to see your reaction. You gave him a soft smile.

“Oh, baby… I don’t really believe in these things, but I’m not gonna lie… I felt a connection with you the day we met” you confessed.

“Really? Then why you were so harsh on me?” he croaked, looking deeply and lovingly into your eyes.

“Because I felt a connection with a man I’ve never seen before and I was scared” you said in a laugh, pulling him to a kiss. Your mouth touched his lightly for a moment, just tasting and enjoying the moment and the closeness. Slowly, Dean opened his mouth and slide his tongue inside of yours, moaning at your contact. “That’s why you always say this is our song. Suspicious minds. Holy shit!” you exclaimed panting, breaking the kiss to breath.

“And because Elvis is fucking awesome, darling” he teased you, his hands on your waist, touching you lightly. The last seconds of the song were playing, and you felt your eyes tear up because of the way Dean was looking at you: pure love. Nothing else but love and happiness. “We’re caught in a trap. I can’t walk out… Because I love you too much, baby!” he whispered to you, giving you a small affected smile, since he wasn’t used to expressing his emotions and feeling the way he was doing.

“I love you!” you whimpered, tiptoeing to kiss him deeply, both of your tears mixing up.

Day One: Scary Stories with the Boys?

Prompt: The reader and the hamilsquad sit around in a circle, telling scary stories. Chaos ensues.

-

“Alright, truth or dare?” Alexander asked, wiggling his eyebrows. All of you were sitting in his apartment, drinking alcohol-infused hit chocolate. It wasn’t the best idea, but it still tasted good. And Gilbert was the one to make it, so it was sure to be the best. You were on your third round of your late night, drunk scary stories. And obviously, Alexander was too tipsy to actually understand what you all were doing.

John scoffed, his mouth filled with marshmallows, “Alex, we’re doing scary fucking stories, not truth or dare.” He licked his fingers, wiping it on his pants. You watched him in disgust.

Alexander frowned, “What? I’m sure that’s what we were doing. I mean, Hercules just confessed his undying love for fabric stores.”

Hercules put his head in his hands, “I just, I think I might have had too much to drink. Even the thought of fabric doesn’t make me horny any more-” He stopped talking, glancing around at all of you. You widened your eyes.

“Hercules, the fuck…?” You started, “Please don’t tell me you have feelings for a piece of cloth.”

Gilbert said nothing, a small smirk on his lips as he sipped the chocolate. His hair was a mess, and you weren’t sure if any of his hair was still in that bun of his. John spat out his drink, looking at Hercules.

John grinned, “Wow, and I thought Alexander was a freak with his book-”

Alexander elbowed him, glaring. Shit, you didn’t realize how many secrets the rest of them were hiding. So much for scary stories.

“Alright, since the Halloween stories are pretty much dead now, let’s teepee some houses, you know. What the kids do on goosy night,” Hercules said, cleverly distracting everyone from the topic on hand. You were still quite curious about it, though.

But goosey night? What the hell was that?

“Hercules, what the flying shite is Goosey night? Is this an American term?” Gilbert asked, closing his eyes.

“No, well, yes. You know, the night before Halloween youths go out and throw tissue on homes and throw eggs at windows. You know what I’m talking about, right John?”

John shrugged, “No clue my friend. No one calls the night before Halloween anything. And stop talking like an old man. You’re only 25.”

Alex laughed, “John, youths is a kid term. All the hip kids on the block say it. Just like ‘yeet’ and 'yolo’ and 'on fleek’ and 'that’s on fire’,” He was holding up his fingers, making the motions, “You are old.”

If you had any liquid in your mouth, you would have choked on it. Gilbert aborted along with you.

“Alexander, no one says that anymore. No one. Now can we get back to the scary stories? Still not shitting my pants yet.”

Hercules clapped his hands together, “Alright, I’ll start it off. It was a stormy night, and Wal-Mart was actually closed…”

Originally posted by scaryplanet

“Sneks and Bickles”
Someone somewhere in the metalocalypse tag cursed me with the beautiful image of Pickles in a halter top and so I drew an snb reunion Pickles in a lovely halter crop top for science.

Have a haunting new years

Not to be dramatic but I still pretty much shit my pants every time Taylor likes my post or likes one of my friends posts. Like I’ll never get used to it. Like WHUT

The Best Dessert

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Prompt: Dean looks amazing in a suit, and Y/N can’t keep her hands off

Warnings: smut, nsfw, sexual gifs, semi-public sex, dirty talk

Words: 1372

Note: I just really wanted to use that second gif… Let me know if you like the gifs incorporated throughout this, I might make more!

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Anonymously Submitted- Leave 'em On - Austin Carlile Imagine (Smut Warning)

*This is my very first smut so feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! :) 

Leave ‘Em On.  (Austin Carlile Smut)

            I was sitting in mine and my husband Austin’s room waiting for him to get home. He had gone to the studio and said he should be home around 3, it is now 5 and I was starting to get worried. I decided I would call just to make sure he wasn’t dead or in jail or something. When he picked up he sounded quite irritated and I instantly regretted calling.

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I cannot thank my buddy @thlayli-roo for bringing back into his fam Clarity. And I cannot thank the folks in Clarity for being super chill peeps and bringing me in to raid with them. <3 Also Skipples my man, thank you for having faith in me and letting me tank one boss fight. I’m still shitting my pants but we got it down! Looking forward to downing some heroic bosses and getting my hooves dirty in the new raid with y’all!

31 Days of Halloween – Halloween the 6th – Enemy

Summary: A disturbing film.  It walks the line between horror movie and thriller and dances over it when you least suspect it.  A Kafkaesque nightmare about a mild mannered history professor in an unfulfilling relationship who discovers that he has an identical double when he sees his doppelganger in a movie recommended by a colleague.  He becomes obsessed with his double, stalking him, contacting him, and eventually meeting him.  The lives of both men quickly unravel as they become entwined with each other.

Scares: 4/5

Fuck me there are some scares.  You will be blindsided.  I had spoilers, and I still damn near shit my pants.  There’s not a lot, but boy do they make them count.  Instead of constant scares, there is a constant sense of unease.  The sound and the color scheme and the subject matter all contribute to a sense of nausea very much making you feel the unease of the main character(s?).

Laughs: 1/5

Just a few laughs early on before it gets too twisted.  The initial absurdity of it all is laughable until it becomes a tangible nightmare.

Special Effects: 4/5

Special effects are spare, but very high quality.  You may be too busy shitting yourself to notice, but they’re incredible.  Also, the double scenes are completely seamless.

Story: 5/5

I’m giving this one a 5 because it’s really a tense masterpiece of storytelling.  Perhaps too artsy and esoteric for everyone, but not everyone enjoys Kafka.  It’s a thought provoking piece, and you will be left thinking, “what the fuck did I just watch?”  There’s a lot more going on than just what’s on the surface, and you really need to mull it over in your head a while.  I loved it, and thought it was engaging beginning to end.

Acting: 4/5

Jake Gyllenhaal effortless switches back and forth between the two characters immediately conveying to the audience who he is with only a look or his body language.  An excellent job on his part.  The rest of the cast isn’t quite up to snuff, but Jake gets the good parts here.  The story is so much focused on Jake’s character(s) that it’s no surprise that the supporting cast seems a little less real.

Score: 18/25

Rating: 72/100

A really excellent psychological horror thriller.  I had an idea of what it would be like, and I had some spoilers going into it as well, but it was still amazing.  Knowing the plot doesn’t really prepare you for the excellence in the execution.  I found myself sure of what was going on, then realizing it was something else entirely, and then questioning everything again.  It really left an impression on me, and it was a satisfying horror experience.

Recommend?: Yes.  If you like artsy or independent films, surrealism, and psychological horror.  It’s not a monster movie, but it is about monstrosity.  Best to go into it knowing nothing, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Harass me about "unpaid" bill that I paid already, enjoy hearing my angelic voice every day

A few weeks ago I started receiving calls about a medical bill. I told the lady (known henceforth as Jane) that i had already paid it via online banking the week prior. She said it probably hadn’t processed and hung up. Jane continued calling daily, however. I again told her it had been paid the 2nd and 3rd time she called—same lady btw. The 4th time, I requested an email address to send her proof that it was paid. She gave me a fax number. A fucking fax number. We don’t have a fax machine at my work because, ya know, it’s not 1991 anymore. I insisted on an email address and she finally gave me one. I sent them a PDF of my health savings account statement after I cropped out all the account numbers.

This should have taken care if it, right? wrong. Jane called the next day and now needs a copy of the check from my HSA bank. Getting pretty pissed at this point. I am overloaded at work as it is and they are interrupting my day because of their shitty system. Whatever, I just need to end this.

I called my bank and requested a copy of the check. They sent one 2 days later. I forwarded this check image to the same email address they originally provided. In the email I stated that I would like a confirmation reply that shows Jane A.) received this email and B.) will be removing me from the call list.

I got zero replies. So every day for the last 4 days I have been calling the billing department and specifically asking for Jane. Enjoy my incessant phone calls because it is now YOU that has to provide PROOF TO ME. What’s that? “no need to call because it should be taken care of now”…NOPE. I simply MUST call daily to confirm where I am at in the system to get written approval. What’s that? “there is a confirmation in the mail”. SORRY, I’m going to need IMMEDIATE confirmation that what you are saying is true. I’ll stop calling when I have letter in my hand.

Edit: TIL I am stupid. I called Jane yet again today requesting a confirmation of payment via email. Jane was out or busy apparently. Instead I got someone else who informed me that my payment was still due! I almost shit my pants with anger when she said that. I had had enough. I requested supervisor. I start ranting, “The bill was 105.54. I set up online payee using information on bill. I paid 105.54 to that payee. I sent proof of that payment. Mark it paid and send me confirmation!” That’s about the point they informed me that I was missing a chromosome. Apparently, there were in fact, TWO bills for 105.54 that posted within a week of one another from the same doctor. One was for my visit to urgent care for a spider bite. One was for my daughter’s visit for temperature of 103. Though they should have informed me of 2 bills in their system during the first phone call, it is ultimately my fault for identifying my medical bills based on the amount due instead of the date of service & patient name. Once i realized what was happening, I apologized for everything and said I would get the 2nd bill paid immediately. I then derped my way off of the phone as fast as I could because it was hard to hear with all the shaming going on. So now I’m embarrassed AND I have to pay another 105.54. My conclusion is that, similar to spiderman, my spider bite gave me special powers—mine were just a different kind of special.

Tattoo number 14. A game that’s not only my favorite of all time, but one of the best survival horrors of all time. Resident Evil 4! This game holds so much for me. Dr Salvadors and his chainsaw wielding madness still makes me shit my pants every time I hear the rin riiin of his chainsaw. Thisnleg is dedicated to my cherished memories with games, and wow what a fantastic tattoo right?