…I can’t do this. I’m just sitting here; my chest hurts…my lungs are closing- or at least they feel so. My heart is aching, my hands are frozen…my legs won’t move.
The darkness is swallowing me, the silence is unbearable- yet it’s like a sharp ringing in my ears.
Am I dying? It sure feels like it.
I can’t see, I can’t speak, I can’t feel…nothing but pain.
Every time my chest moves with a breath, it’s short…sharp, painful. Clutching at my bed sheets…my bones feel so fragile, yet I’m using every bit of muscle in me to hold on for dear life.
It’s not like…it’s not like my bedsheets- my pillows- the blankets covering me…are him. It’s not like that, so why am I acting like it is.
Holding onto the material objects around me won’t help keep him secure.
I can’t do this…
What have I gotten myself into…?
Rolling over, turning away from the open and just facing a wall, I take a harsh grip onto the pillow I’ve been hugging to my chest.
Nothing can save you…
A tear rolls from my eye…why does it have to be like this?
I can’t take this…
I’m just a mess of thoughts right now…this wall is all I know now- I’m facing it- with no escape, I’m cornered, but…I can’t face the rest of reality…not if I know its motive…
A quiet curse escapes from my throat; I’m clutching the pillow even tighter now- it hurts so bad, deep in my chest…It feels like an inferno in my heart.
“Stop…” I beg.
But no one hears me. No one cares.
“This isn’t fair…”
At this point I’m squeezing this pillow to death- if pillows can even die. I wish I was a pillow right now- anything to make me stop feeling this deathly pain…
A sound escapes in the form of a whisper from between my teeth:
No one can save him…except me…I know it…
That’s just it- I can’t take this anymore.
Finally dragging myself out of bed in the dark of the night, I stumble around searching for my shoes- blisters wouldn’t be nice even with the huge rush I’m in right now.
I reach for a shawl I had brought with me- the night was cold.
With a few short stomps to the door, I’m out. My heavy, short and raspy breaths echo in my own ears as I speed away from the glittering halls of the palace and into the garden.
Within the matter of a minute, I’ve vanished from the garden as well.
I don’t know Julian’s everyday routes, but I do know of one place I could definitely look- the Rowdy Raven.
It had took me a while to find it, but soon enough I found myself in the little ally way where I had first been introduced to the place.
I’m covered with a hood, and I look totally suspect but it’s not exactly something I care about in this moment.
As I enter the Rowdy Raven, my ears are overwhelmed with loud voices and cheerful music.
In my search for Julian, I rush past a group of men- most drunk and all blabbering with excitement. As I’m making my way past, something catches my shawl.
“-!” In shock, I look back to see who the culprit is and am bombarded with a slur of voices.
“Hey, it’s the magician Julian let in!”
“What are they doing here?”
“Show us a magic trick!”
“I-” Before I can get a full sentence out, I’m forced down by the shoulders into a seat. My eyes widen in shock from the sudden gravity.
There’s a man sitting in front of me with droplets of something in his beard, and when he speaks his voice is husky: “Tell us a magician joke!” His eyes gleam like stars on the light of the bright bar lights.
“I…uh…” …What do I do now…?
The bargoers are just waiting anxiously for a hilarious joke…
“Um…” I clear my throat. This is really not what my business was supposed to be here…
“W-what did the magician say when his pet rabbit refused to come out of his hat?”
“…” Silence, either they’re already confused or they’re waiting on me to deliver the punch line.
“…Guess I’m having a bad hare day…!”
“…” More silence…?
Suddenly the crowd of drunken men erupts in laughter so abnoxious I think I one of them is about to fall out of his chair.
Standing up with nervous laughter, I start to back away from the table slowly.
“Hahah…yeah, Asra taught me that one…”
Suddenly a harsh grip touches my shoulder.
“-!” Turning around, I see Julian standing over me, holding a stein. His face is one of surprise and his grey eyes meet with mine as if he knows the troubled state I’m in.
“Fancy seeing you here…” His famous phrase, and his hand is still on my shoulder. Without thinking, I reach behind me and grab ahold of it.
“Come with me.”
I drag Julian away from his group of familiars quickly; even though he’s protesting verbally I feel like he could reject my strength pretty easily.
I get us to an isolated corner in the Rowdy Raven and take a deep breath. My hood is still covering my head and casting an ominous shadow over my eyes.
“Troubled?” I hear Julian’s voice as he reaches to me and slips the hood down to rest on my shoulders. I look at him, and he frowns.
“You look like sleep hasn’t been treating you well. She’s a mean one oftentimes.”
Looking away, I grab his hand again.
“No…I just…I wanted to make sure you were safe.” My cheeks light up with blush as my eyes trail up to meet his again. It appears he’s in the same state- his own crimson embarrassment spreading to his ears.
“You…” Julian lets out a bark of laughter, but his hand was still locked with mine. He soon recuperates his breath and looks at me with furrowed brows. “You want to make sure I’m safe?”
“Yeah- is there a problem with that?” I narrow my eyes.
“What makes you think I’m not safe?”
“…” Frozen- for some reason, that catches me off guard. I guess…Julian can take care of himself…I was worried for nothing…
“No, really…” Julian speaks softly as he moves some hair out of my face.
I’m not looking at him and embarrassing myself any more than I already have…
He leans closer to me; he’s so close I can practically lip lock with him.
I try maintain contact with his eyes…
“You’re cute. But you worry too much.”
“I don’t worry too much.” I fuss, swatting his hand away. “You worry too little.”
A chuckle escapes from Julian as he places a hand on my back. “If you’re so concerned why don’t you stay here for a while?”
I look around the rowdy bar with nervous eyes, not sure about that offer. I just want him to be safe…
I sigh, dragging my hand over my face slowly. “Just no more magician jokes.”
Julian seems a little confused by that statement, yet he eventually nods and takes my hand again, my eyes fixed upon him as he leads me back into the chaotic nest of tipsy Vesuvia residents just trying to forget about the lingering darkness over the city for a while.
I know myself, and I know once I have to redo something, it might not be as good the second time I do it. Or at least, I feel that way, so I’m distracted the whole time trying to make it as good as the first time I did it.
With that being said, I hope you guys enjoy anyways 💜
Don’t forget Gorillaz fans, Jamie Hewlett exist! He made all you’re favorite band members come to life in the music videos, shorts, ect! He continues drawing them countless times and works day and night to give you new content with the band members! So please appreciate him!!! ❤❤❤
I got the honor to participate in @jojofanzine (which is an awesome project btw thanks for having me!) a while back so I drew as many best girls as possible from Jojo which is hard bc all the girls are best girls.
HOLY MOLY 4000 FOLLOWERS!?!?! I’m amazed! I’m astounded!! I’m shocked!!! I’m crying, I’m so happy right now! Thank you so much for all the continuous support! I’m going to be taking a little break from tumblr for awhile for spring break to finish a lot of project I have rn, but as soon as I’m done I’ll come back and post all the goodies I’ve been working on! Thank you so much again babes! Please enjoy some Big brother Percy