I need to vent
To begin, back in March my boyfriend broke my heart by telling me that he did not love me anymore and that our relationship may be over and that really really affected me. I was completely distraught. Since then it has not been the same. He said we are not through officially but to me it feels like something is missing. He really did break my heart that time and I never recovered. I remember him telling me that he wanted to look elsewhere for a relationship and all that did was make me reflect upon what is wrong with me to make him think that. Still he says we are together, I should add that this is a long distance relationship, but it feels like anytime at random he will cut it off. I am so scared that will happen. I have been trying to condition myself to thinking that I am not with him anymore so that when it really does happen officially I will not be as broken. Conversations feel like walking on eggshells, I hate it. I cannot take this anymore. Part of me wants to break up with him myself just to have this doubt and sadness resolve. He is all I have, I do not have any friends save for my sister so it makes everything mored difficult. I have no one else to talk to about issues. Whenever I try to vent about something he tells me to stop. I realise I really do have no one. He never tells me that he loves me anymore, he never goes out of his way to talk to me, he never makes me feel special. I feel so much regret and so much pain over this. I wish I could tell him all of this but I do not think he will listen. I do not have anyone anymore. I am utterly alone.