Why does it hurt so much?
It’s been a week now, and it still hurts. The doping scandal from Viktor’s point of view, that is. It was so much worse than Yuuri’s side of the story. And I have a lot of ideas as to why this is, so if you’re interested, here goes.
- We knew what was coming. This meant there was the whole of the first half of the chapter to build up the tension for the inevitable misery. All of the nice things that happened between them were so bittersweet, because we knew where this chapter was going to end. With Yuuri’s side of the story we never had that- we were hopeful about them working things out right up to the point when it all went wrong.
- Viktor knew what he almost had. Yuuri was never certain- in fact he didn’t even suspect Viktor’s feelings for him were anything much at all until much later. It’s a bit abstract for him, because he wasn’t sure Viktor was interested in taking things further- in fact he’d braced himself for rejection, which was why he never quite plucked up the courage to tell Viktor about his feelings (which he was certain were not reciprocated to the extent he felt about Viktor).
- Viktor was so close to getting what he’d dreamed of for years. It was bad for Yuuri, of course, but he’d only known his feelings for Viktor for a few weeks. All the little things Viktor had so desperately wanted had started to happen- Yuuri kissing him whilst cuddling in bed, saying his name during sex, and so on. And then it all gets snatched away.
- Viktor had let himself hope again. He’d had hopes of his and Yuuri’s relationship before, and they’d been dashed and he got hurt and closed himself off. And over time, he slowly started to hope again, he was taking so many baby steps… until it all fell apart.
- Viktor is the one left behind. Yuuri got to make the decision to walk away. Viktor was the one left behind, powerless to do anything, not even able to apologise.
- Viktor messed up. He’s left feeling guilty. Really guilty, and sorry, and generally bad. He knows he hurt Yuuri in the past and he knows how much it affected Yuuri (and indeed, therefore, their whole relationship) but he never got to the bottom of what, exactly, started this whole thing. And at this point in his story it looks like he probably never will. So now he’s hurt Yuuri again he’s going to feel guilty, not to mention worried that they will never be able to get past this.
- Viktor is completely broken by what happens. At the end of his version of the chapter, Yuuri is hurt, yes, but still trying to process everything that’s happened. It’s not until he gets home that he finally breaks down. And even then it lacks the intensity of Viktor’s feelings… for all the reasons already given).
To conclude: The Big Talk can’t come soon enough. This angst is a lot to cope with, even for me!