Reasons I am child free:
  • I don’t like children. Babies aren’t cute and toddlers are the WORST. 
  • I don’t have a good relationship with either of my parents or any member in my family. I feel disconnected from the idea of family. I wouldn’t know how to handle the situation. I don’t understand love other than romantic love and friendships with peers.
  • I don’t plan on furthering my education far enough where I will make enough money to comfortably support a family.
  • I believe having children to be selfish. There are over 6 billion people on the planet. There are lots of starving children already.
  • Pregnancy seems stressful, painful and gross.
  • I have horrible anxiety problems and depression. I am petrified of post pardon depression and/or the possibility of spreading that to another person.
  • Having kids doesn’t seem fun. There is something scary to me about having to worry about a little person 24/7. Temper tantrums, lost sleep, wiping assholes, gross. I’d rather not. I feel I would be a lot more unhappy with the overall quality of life if I had a kid.
  • I feel like people just have children because “it’s what we are supposed to do.” I like to make point out how you don’t have to follow the crowd to be happy and fulfilled. My child free by choice stance is a political statement that I can still be a happy woman without being a nurturing mother.

So after the girls visited me at the library, Brandon took them to Home Depot.

Because Kinsie is 4, she didn’t say, “father, darling, I would like to go to the potty at some point in the future.” She said, “DADDY DADDY DADDY I’m gonna poop my pants! I gotta potty RIGHT NOW!”

So Brandon brought her full speed to the Home Depot men’s bathroom. Both stalls on either side of Kins were full. I admit it’s a stereotype but since this was HD, I’m imagining big brawny types in said potties.

Anyway, Kins starts shouting, “I’M TRYING TO POOP BUT I CAN’T! I’M TRYING TO POOP! C'MON POOP!”

Apparently both gentlemen could not stop laughing.

It’s toilet humor you can read while potty training (yourself or your child).” –Blair Koenig: Author, friend, funny-ass mofo

In honor of my friend Blair (aka STFU, Parents)’s birthday, I’m posting this as a PSA that her book, “STFU, Parents: The Jaw-Dropping, Self-Indulgent, and Occasionally Rage-Inducing World of Parent Overshare” is honestly the greatest baby shower and/or somebody-just-found-out-they’re-pregnant-and-happen-to-be-shitting-their-pants-about-it gift, and I’ll continue buying copies of this book for every friend who gets pregnant between now and the end of time.

You can GET IT (read that like Donna Meagle would) right here: It’s only $10!
Ask Susan: My Sister-in-Law Pulled Some STFU Parent Moves at Brunch. How Do I Stop It?: Susan

At a brunch I held with a mixed group of ladies (about half and half single and married and only a couple with children), I had an interesting etiquette breach that I’d love to hear your opinions on. My sister-in-law brought her baby, whom I love since I’m baby’s aunt and all. So, totally cool. As the group sat and discussed things, had seconds, etc., she whipped out the boob and latched baby on for a feeding. Most of the ladies were okay with this (most of the uncomfortableness was because they didn’t really know her) and the conversation carried on.

Then… there was a smell. Baby needed to be changed and I told sister-in-law that I had cleared some space in another room for that purpose (what a good, thoughtful, thinking ahead hostess, right?). She said that it was all right and proceeded to open up a changing pad on the floor and change him in the middle of the room where everyone was still sitting. The smell was terrible and I could see the shocked looks on everyone’s faces as I tried to mouth “Sorry!” to everyone. I feel like it’s reduced attendance at my subsequent brunches, even though she hasn’t been at them. It’s a somewhat moot point for the time being, but how should I address it with her to avoid it happening again in the future?”

See Susan’s answer at Persephone Magazine

Presumably this gal doesn’t understand that it’s not a parental requirement to do an elaborate photo shoot for the first 12 months of your baby’s life.

I mean, if you like doing that, great! But if you hate it….just snap a pic with your phone if you want a photo of them at each month of the first year.

I worry for what FB/Pinterest pissing contests are going to do to this world.

Facebook mothers and my gag reflex.

There’s this girl I grew up with, she’s a few months younger than me and she got knocked up & now she’s married with a baby.

Her latest status is: Maddie drank from a straw for the first time yay!!!

I would hate to live a life where I’m not even 21 and the most exciting thing that happened in my day was a kid using a straw. So exciting that I needed to tell the world.

Use a condom, folks. LEST THIS BE YOUR FUTURE.

STFUParents AND earthquake mockery!

So, this happened on my Facebook feed earlier.

Lest we forget, though I don’t know how because I swear to god she never talks about anything else, she gave birth to male children. And they eclipse natural disasters with their destructiveness.

I’m trying not to be a dick because she’s been through some awful things over the past few years and I don’t think she’s the most stable person, but I really want to respond with pictures of the National Cathedral and say, “Orly? But did they break Jesus?” Or something equally douchey.

I read this comment while reading about the new "Unbaby Me" option for Facebook

“If you find pictures of children offensive, then don’t join Facebook at all. Facebook is a social networking site. Children are part of the social network, if you resent their existence then you have serious personal problems. How would you feel if people did not want to see pictures of you, or your pets on Facebook? Or felt disgusted looking at pictures of your elderly family members? I don’t see how that’s any different from being disgusted at seeing pictures of children or babies.”

My response went like this:

Because people who have children tend to over share. If people would occasionally post about their “bundle of joy” here and there that would be one thing, but as for my news feed,  as soon as you see the pic of the positive piss stick people go fucking crazy. And it’s the same thing with every “friend.” I have a little over 400 friends on Facebook and at least 40 or so of them have had a baby within the past 3 years. So needless to say my news feed is FULL of sappy shit, unnecessary minute details, and pictures of babies. We don’t need to know every single little detail about your little one or  need 50 pics a week of their face. Of course people can put whatever the want on Facebook but it’d be nice if people would think before they post. Perhaps ask your self: “does everyone care about this as much as I do?” The answer is no, that’s why “Unbaby Me” was created. It’s a cute and witty way to  avoid something some of us happen to dislike.

Over sharing is annoying no matter what it is. I don’t care if it’s pets, food, hobbies, a significant other, whatever. The truth is though, that the reoccurring trend happens to be babies. It’s annoying to me and I don’t like seeing it.  

No one is saying or trying to suggest that anyone should be able to dictate the content you put on YOUR Facebook. You can do whatever the hell you want. We just don’t want to see them. So someone came up with a solution. Got a problem? Unfriend.

I got to show VDLM the magic of the zoo (and photo booths) recently.

GPOY after many hours in the heat and humidity. Unfortunately, what I can’t show you is his rattlesnake impression. I also can’t convey his outrage that the naked mole rats were naked.

And now for some light-hearted mockery

(HINT: It’s light-hearted mockery because I say it is. That’s how it works!)


…for taking the time to write this

FYI, I am one person, not a “they,” and I work very hard to create content for my blog. It consumes pretty much all of my time. So you can imagine how thrilled I am when someone reblogs something that took me over an hour to edit and put together just to trash it. 

Somehow I doubt you would like it if I reblogged one of your illustrations and picked it apart for fun. 

Just something to think about.

- B.


First of all, I used the singular they, which indicates indeterminacy. I don’t know whether you are a man or a woman and “they” sounds and looks a lot better than “He or she,” or “S/he,” or the hippy dippy “Xe,” or “Hir.”

Secondly, are you really getting offended by me judging your actions when your entire motivation for this blog is based judging others for their actions? Would it have been better had I blocked out part of your name with a colorful bar so as to protect your questionable judgement behind anonymity?

Third, I am quite used to having my drawings trashed, most often by myself. I don’t welcome people making fun of my work, but I do welcome constructive criticism. Perhaps if you look past your initial indignation, you might see something of the same. Like I said, I want to like that blog and I will likely continue to follow (for the time being). These are funny exchanges, but your additions often feel like you’re explaining the joke after we already got it. It kills the comedy and it treats your audience like they’re the idiots you portray. See your explanation of The Self Righteous MommyJacker? What did you add there besides simply retelling the story in your own words?

Whether you agree or disagree, the internet (and Tumblr) provide a forum for anyone to say anything. I could say to you now, “It’s the internet. Harden the fuck up,” but I don’t, because I recognize the humanity behind the blogs and the inanity of such commentary. You can take my criticism and do something with it, or you could just disagree/ignore/block/troll me. After all, you probably have more followers than me and none of my followers “Liked” what I said.


Sure, you can say whatever you want. I’m not trying to censor you. And I’m well-aware of the term “constructive criticism,” but thanks for spelling it out. Ultimately I don’t think trashing someone else’s work is productive, but if that’s your way of providing constructive criticism, go for it. 

People who use the “are you really getting offended by me judging your actions when your entire motivation for this blog is based on judging others” line are all the same. There’s a difference between my light-hearted mocking of a picture of human shit or a goofy definition and your straight-up insults. 

“I could say to you now, "It’s the internet. Harden the fuck up,” but I don’t, because I recognize the humanity behind the blogs and the inanity of such commentary.“ 

You do?

Enjoy your night.


I see. So if I say to you that you need to stfu, it’s a grave insult. When you say that others need to stfu it’s light-hearted mocking. Maybe we should e-mail these parents and ask them what they think.

Continue to Part II.