steve's guilt

Me finding fanfictions, a summary.
  • Me: Oh wow look at this new fanfic
  • Fanfic summary: These two mother fuckers are gonna fuck. thats all ive gotta say.
  • Me: *CLICK*
  • -After Reading-
  • Me: ...I SIGNED UP FOR READING PORN NOT CRYING EVERY SINGLE CHAPTE-
  • Fanfic Author: BITCH THERES A SEQUEL!
  • Me: *Click*
Get Out.

Originally posted by tess453

Peter Parker x Reader

Request: Yes

Summary: Deciding to stay in for a date, Peter and the Reader are faced with annoying and embarrassing comments from the whole team, who are unaware of their relationship.

Word Count: 2,428

Warnings: language, fluff, annoying avengers (??), embarrassed!Peter, embarrassed!Reader, cuteness, LOTR trilogy. (Let me know if I missed any)

A/N: Alright homies, I apologize it has taken me so long to upload something. I’ve been reaally stressed. So hopefully this is okay? For the anon that requested this, I hope you like it. I’d love some feedback, as always. Enjoy reading!


Dark, gray clouds blocked any source of light from shining through the big, thick glass windows surrounding every inch of the building.

The entire tower was filled with a solemn mood that spread into every corner and room.

Most of the team dreaded days like these, since it put a damper on their mood, (especially Steve).

You, however, cherished days like these the most.

It’s where you find your peace and inner self, no matter how depressing that may sound.

It helps you relax and release any stresses that corrupt your thoughts.

But the best reason of all is that you don’t have to leave the house, even if you had a date with Peter tonight.

However, thinking that idea through, you realized something.

The whole team would be here.

With Peter and you.

During your date.

Well, fuck.

Keep reading

But must it always be a tragedy?
Maybe suns are meant to love
boys who fall into seas.
—  Dear poets, it’s time to rewrite Icarus | p.d
Fic: Down to Zero

After a battle against the Controller goes awry, Steve is bewildered and guilt-ridden when Tony begins to treat him exactly the same as he treats everyone else.

@spaceliondad had a post asking for a fic where Tony gets temporary amnesia and treats Steve like he treats everyone and Steve realizes the extent to which Tony had previously been giving him special treatment. This is my take on that prompt. Also features (unrequited) Spideytorch.

This is also a fill for Cap-IM Bingo, the square “remote control.” Ha.

Read Down to Zero on AO3 (18,336 words).

My best friend’s girl (Chapter 6)

(Steve Rogers x Reader) (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

This story is nearing it’s end, I think the next chapter might be the last one (7 often seems to be my magical number for some reason)

Thank you all for reading this fic and giving it so much love. This will not be the last story I write that involves Steve and Bucky ;)

Story: Bucky’s been in cryo for a year now, during that time you and Steve have grown closer together. You both want more but are scared to give into your feelings, until one night…

You and Steve arrive home after the party, both crippled by guilt when you find Bucky in the kitchen waiting for you.

No warnings for this chapter, this is just one big Angst fest. I’m sorry…

*****

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5

*****

My best friend’s girl (chapter 6)


You hadn’t spoken a word since Steve had abruptly pushed you out of his arms after your close encounter in the elevator.

It was a gentle but firm push and it cast you both back into reality and wishing there was a way to turn back the clock.

But there was no way to take back what you did.

Steve had been giving you the silent treatment ever since. He opened the car door to let you step outside and followed you up to his apartment.

When you were close to his door you slowed down your steps.

‘Maybe I should…maybe I should just spend tonight at my place,’ you hesitated.

‘No,’ Steve insisted,’ If I know Bucky at all he will be up waiting for you.’

You knew Steve was right. And for a second the thought of Bucky waiting up to see you brought a smile to your face, but then reality hit and suddenly you were fighting tears.

‘Steve,’ your voice broke.

‘Hey, stop it, okay,’ he turned to face you and carefully took your hand in his,’ You can do this, everything will be fine.’

You nodded your head firmly. You wanted to believe him so badly, believe everything could still go back to normal and all three of you could come out of this unharmed. But how could it?

You slept with Bucky’s best friend, not once but twice now. There was no excuse for the second time.

Nothing would ever be fine again.

Keep reading

Okay, so I just saw a Tony and music headcanon which I absolutely and totally respect, because a classical music Tony is an awesome Tony that is a valid way of viewing the character.  However, I also completely and totally disagree with it and didn’t want to highjack that post to disagree.  Basically, fellow writer, you’re awesome and so is your headcanon which is totally valid and legit, but I’m gonna rift off it because I keep arguing with the post in my head.  

Maria started Tony on the piano at a young age.  Howard yelled and complained about how the kid could never keep still, so Maria taught him cords and basic piano warms ups.  She told him if he couldn’t keep still, he could go over the piano fingering in his mind.  He could even move his fingers if he needed to, going through the motions with his hands at his side as Howard ranted at him about how his latest robot was a failure, and keeping him still enough for photographers to take pictures of the engine while Howard put on his fake smile.

Tony would often hang in the doorway as his mother played and sang, hesitant to come in and interrupt her.  Music was numbers and frequencies and all sorts of things that were fascinating to Tony, but he couldn’t quite manage to fit them together into a song.  

It wasn’t until Maria came upon Tony struggling through “You’ll Never Walk Alone” from Carousel that she teaches him how to play music.  Maria the brilliant scientist who loved show tunes could explain to a young Tony Stark how to make music from the notes.  

From then on, Tony was a quick study.  He would often play as Maria sat by his side and sang along, from My Fair Lady to Evita, he would play and sometimes hesitantly sing along.  He fell in love with the quick wit of Cole Porter, often playing a quick bar or two and sing in a sarcastic tone when Howard railed on him for his failures.  Maria was always more fond of Irving Berlin, and he’d play “Blue Skies” whenever she was tired or angry.  

He always liked it when she played Rodgers and Hammerstein.  Sometimes she’d play “Impossible” from Cinderella when Tony felt like he couldn’t meet Howard’s high standards.  He was always mesmerized when she sang “Some Enchanted Evening” or “Something Good”. 

He sometimes thought about running away and working on Broadway.  He never had a way with lyrics, but he could compose a tune.  Surely he could find a partner and they’d create loads of shows that would become world famous.  But Howard would surely find him, so close to home, and the one time he tried to sneak off to the West End while visiting Aunt Peggy in London ended with her taking out a man who had been following Tony for nefarious purposes.  She was kind about it, but she had to take him home.  

Soon enough, he gave up on that dream and entered MIT, but he still couldn’t shake stealing away into one of the music shops and playing the occasional tune.  Some of the others found out about it and bullied him until he stopped.  But Rhodey could sometimes pull him away and ask him to play a song from The Wiz or some of the old Ella Fitzgerald jazz standards.  He also started to branch out at this time, coming up with piano versions of rock songs that he would play to make Rhodey laugh.

“Try to Remember” was the last song he heard her play before she died, and was always one of his favorites.  It was years before he could listen to the song again, much less play it.  Rhodey was the one who sat with him when he finally managed it, softly singing along even though he was never much of a singer because Tony couldn’t quite manage the words.  

Steve was shocked to hear old familiar songs coming from the Avengers common room one night when he couldn’t sleep.  He walked in to see Tony at the piano, singing some of the old Cole Porter songs.  Tony switched over to his own piano rendition of Highway to Hell as soon as he realized Steve was listening, but Steve had already found out.  After that, he’d sometimes join Tony, sitting at the piano and listening to the old tunes.  

It was during one of those times Tony admitted his mother had taught him, and he played “Try to Remember” for Steve.  It wasn’t one he recognized, but it had a soothing melody that made him think of Bucky, who he was still trying to find.  It was then Steve decided he could never tell Tony about what the Winter Soldier had done.  `Tony was finally in a place where he could play the song as a fond memory, and learning the truth would only cause more pain.  

After everything burned down, Steve only felt guilt when he heard the song or looked at a piano.  There were a lot of things he would never do differently, but not telling Tony the truth was a mistake.

After everything burned down, Tony sat at the piano, but couldn’t play.  He stared at the keys, but couldn’t will his hands to move.  When Rhodey would ask him to play, Tony would smile and say he was fine.

He’s always fine.

Sometimes Peter would hear haunting melodies of songs he had never heard before when he visited Avengers Tower.  He never found out where they came from, but he kind of liked listening to the old melancholy tunes before Tony finally showed up and gave him the latest upgrades for his suit.

Imagine Steve busting you out

Part 1- Imagine seeing Bucky pull Steve from the water  

Part 2 - Imagine waiting for Steve to wake up

Part 3- Imagine being there when Steve finally talks to Bucky

Part 4- Imagine being in the car with Bucky and Sam

Part 5 - Imagine helping Steve & Bucky escape the airport

Part 6 - Imagine telling Tony where Steve was

Part 7 - Imagine Steve busting you out

Part 8 - Imagine finding out about Tony’s parents

Keep reading

Steve/Bucky: nightmares

Steve wakes from a dream that puts bile in his throat, and reaches for the empty space on the bed where his partner should be. Steve itches to trace the angular lines of Bucky’s face, run his hands up and down the muscular plane of Bucky’s back. He does what he should have done seventy years ago: he goes looking. 

Bucky is huddled on the couch, his mouth a hard line, and his bare feet tucked under a cushion. He looks – Steve knows that look, guilt-ridden, far-away, vulnerable with decades of enduring and inflicting pain. (He should have been there). 

Steve kneels down next to him, like it’s contrition. He wraps a hand around Bucky’s ankle, strokes the skin over the pronounced bone with his thumb. Bucky unwinds a little at the contact – posture less hunched in, less defensive. His arm is still crossed over his stomach, where the unprotected organs are. 

Steve rises up to place one reassuring hand on Bucky’s knee. “I’m here,” he says. (It’s years too late). 

Bucky reaches up, then – cups Steve’s cheek to pull him down for a poignant kiss. “You shouldn’t be,” he says, when he has pulled away, and they’re forehead to forehead. (And oh, Steve should burn for this). 

Steve breathes him in. He wants to say so many things: ‘I love you,’ ‘You’re amazing,’ ‘I’m sorry.’ Instead, he says, “Where the hell else would I be?’

“In bed. Sleeping. Like a normal person.” 

“Bed gets cold without you.” Steve says, smiling. He runs a hand down Bucky’s side. Steve loves every inch of his skin. 

Bucky snorts. “Maybe seventy years ago, before you were a furnace.” 

Steve tells him, “Fine, then. I’d rather be with you.” 

Bucky goes quiet for a long moment, breaths even, like he’s counting. He swallows, gulping down air and emotions. Steve pulls him close and strokes his back, feels muscle and breath beneath his palm: the gesture calms both of them. 

“Will you get your stupid ass back to bed if I come with you?” Bucky says. 

“You took all the stupid with you, remember?” 

Bucky laughs, and Steve helps him to his feet, then holds his hand for the fifty-foot walk back to bed. 

Soundtrack (Song 2 of 5)

Word Count: 4582

Summary:  Steve is still human. He makes mistakes. Though you love each other so very, very much, you fear your time is running out.

Warnings: Language, angst, mentions of blood and injury

A/N: I’m sorry that this took so long. This series has been floating around in my head since before this blog even existed, so I really, really want to get it right. The song of the chapter is “Liar” by Mumford and Sons. Lyrics are in italics.

Song 1

Originally posted by uuuhshiny


That little episode made you both cocky. Steve left; you fought; you yelled, but at the end of the day, he still came home. At the end of the day, you forgave him and moved on. You loved each other, and that was enough. But it didn’t stay that way.

I know that things are broken

Because that one mission opened the door for him. There was always one more mission, one more bad guy, one more fight to be fought. It didn’t seem to matter when Tony told him it wasn’t worth losing you over. Losing you didn’t seem like a viable possibility anymore.

It didn’t matter when Bucky gave him that look, told him they didn’t need a punk like him around, that they could survive without him, that the same couldn’t be said about his family.

It didn’t matter when Sam looked him in the eye and told him to get his goddam shit together and stay with his family where he was meant to be.

It didn’t matter. Because it was just one more. It was just a little longer. Just need to see this mission through. Just need to see this guy brought to justice.

Just…

Just…

Just…

Keep reading

Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask a creative person how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it, they just saw something…they were able to connect experiences they’ve had and synthesize new things. And the reason they were able to do that was that they’ve had more experiences or they have thought more about their experiences than other people.
—  Steve Jobs 
A New Beginning

Prologue

(A continuation of Lost and Forgotten, a set of ten chapters that follow you, the Reader, as you try to get your life together while falling for Bucky in the 40s.) 

Warnings: angst

(Chapter One) (Chapter Two) (Chapter Three) (Chapter Four) (Chapter Five) (Chapter Six) (Chapter Seven)


“I’m sorry, what the fuck did you just say?” You swore you would strangle Steve the next time you saw him.

“Yeah, we found out a few years ago, when SHIELD fell, but we’re having trouble finding him and you’re an expert at that.” Steve knew he was in for some yelling. He had neglected to tell you about the love of your life being alive.

“You’ve known for two years and you’re just now telling me?” You were definitely going to rip him a new one. 

“I was worried that if I told you…given what he went through with Hydra…” He trailed off.

“What the hell are you talking about? What happened with Hydra?” Hydra struck a chord a little too close to home for you.

Keep reading

Also, just throwing this out there to make people sad, but…

When he’s thawed out he’s laying down. He was frozen laying down. And the plane hit the water when he was in the pilot seat- we saw that.

Which means he wasn’t knocked out by the initial impact. And it doesn’t look like he drowned, either. He had time to see his expected death coming, after the impact, and lay himself down. My guess is some internal injuries from the crash, followed by freezing to death inside the plane.

So just go ahead an add a little scene in your head of Steve surviving the crash, but knowing that wet and isolated on a field of ice, in a plane that’s still sinking, nobody would get to him in time. But he knows he’s done his job. So he lays down, and closes his eyes, and maybe wonders if anyone will ever find his body, and bring it back to be buried by his mom and dad, since Bucky never was buried. But either way they’ll have a service for him, and that will be nice, and the priest will say the words and he’ll be at rest. And he feels bad, leaving his men, and he regrets everything he never told Peggy, and that he won’t be there for her now, but at least he did his part, right? He got the job done, and that’s what counts. If he dies alone, bleeding out and freezing, that’s all that Bucky got, to. So that’s all right.

Chamber of Secrets - Part 3

Originally posted by illgif4you

Pairing: Bucky x Reader (eventually)

Summary: After the Avenger’s falling out, you were put in charge of putting Bucky together. Under King T’Challa’s orders, you were given a month’s time to create a new arm while simultaneously figure out how to get the triggering memories of his past out of his mind. As the time goes by, you found yourself confiding in him, despite his frozen state.

A/N: I’m so excited that a lot of you are loving his series, it gives me so much joy I swear I’ve been smiling non-stop these past few days. An anon suggested that I should make a masterlist for this, maybe I will, once I figure out how to do that lol. Oh and this is going to be one of those slow burn series, so bear with me :)

MASTERLIST

Previous Part


NEW YORK

“Thanks for doing this, I really appreciate it.” Steve said quietly as he made his way into Sharon’s New York apartment. Ever since she was placed in the Joint Terrorism Taskforce, although she was officially stationed in Germany, she had been going back and forth between The States and Germany, so she thought it would make sense to have a place of her own.

“It’s no trouble, it’s Barnes, you know I’m all in.” She gave him a genuine smile.

Keep reading

5

Marvel vs Ao3 tags  Part 10/??

Intertwined-Chapter 7 (Final)

Pairings: Bucky x Reader, Steve x Reader

Warnings: ANGST. Depression, Violence, Smut, Mutant Reader (ALWAYS) powers include immortality, healing and telekinesis. Currently can’t think of anything else.

Summary: 5 years after the events of CACW, you are the live-in therapist for the newly reconciled Avengers, Steve’s Fiancé. The first words your soulmate speaks appears on your body, but only after your first conversation has taken place, making it impossible to know who your soulmate is, what will happen when Steve brings Bucky too live at the compound?  

Song: Noah Cyrus ft Labyrinth Make me cry

Originally posted by ohevansmycaptain


I never needed you like I do right now

I never needed you like I do right now

I never hated you like I do right now

‘Cause all you ever do is make me

Your POV:

“Oh..Oh my god Steve!” you whisper as you blindly stumble forward “Oh no..Oh God” you whimper as you sink to the floor, clutching desperately at Steve’s hand, tears are spilling down your face as the weight of Bucky’s words start to sink in, It’s over, All over you think “Jus stay here doll, I’ll be right back” he says as he strides purposefully down the hallway

Gave you up 'bout twenty one times

Felt those lips tell me twenty one lies

You’ll be the death of me

Sage advice

Love, lovin’ you could make Jesus cry

Bucky’s POV:

They had an agreement, He and Steve, that they would stay away from you until you had made a decision, you had obviously made it, and soulmate or no, it wasn’t him, he wasn’t expecting it to be, but it crushed him to see you in the arms of his best friend again. He can not deal with this, he cannot live the rest of his life watching his soul bonded in the arms of another man, striding into his bedroom he yanks out a duffle bag from his closet, stuffing in any clothing he can find “Jerk” Steve says “Lemme explain” he asks, “There aint anything to explain Steve, I see the lay of tha land, I ain gonna fight ya on this” he replies “Buck jus listen please” Steve says, Bucky angrily throws his duffel on the bed, whirling to face Steve “I ain listening to shit you have to say” he yells “you knew what she means ta me! Ya knew how i felt, and still ya couldn’t keep ya hands off her” he says, chest heaving “She doesn’t want me Buck” he counters “She called ta tell me face ta face that it was you she wanted” Bucky’s heart is racing, hope flaring in his chest with this new revelation “wha? No, tha can’t be right” he wonders out loud “Believe it Buck, ya best go get ya girl, she’s a sobbing mess on the lounge floor” Steve admonishes, guilt washes over him “Man, i’m such an asshole” he mumbles as he hurries out the bedroom.

When I hear you sayin’, “Darlin’, your kiss is like an antidote”

I’m fightin’ like I’m Ali

But you got me on the ropes

Your POV:

You’re shell shocked, you can’t seem to wrap your head the events of the last 15 minutes, so close you whimper, so close to being with him, and ripped away so suddenly by a misunderstanding, it was not supposed to end this way, you were supposed to sit him down and talk, tell him how you feel, he was supposed to reciprocate, you were supposed to live a long happy life together, with children and grandchildren and it was gone. ‘(Y/N)’ you barely register the person speaking to you, so wrapped up in your tumultuous thoughts, that you stare blankly at his combat boots for a full 30 seconds before you realize that Bucky has reentered the room, your gaze snaps up, staring at his piercing blue eyes, willing your mind to catch up with the current situation “Bucky?” you ask “Oh god baby doll, i’m so sorry, i completely misunderstood what was going on” he pleads “I love ya baby doll, i wanna be with ya, Please give me a chance ta make it up to ya” Bucky wants to be with you? These are actual words coming out of his mouth respond moron you internally scream, mouth opening and closing, Bucky kneels in front of you “I’m so sorry, please forgive me, please be with me” his words spur you into action and you bodily launch yourself into his arms, babbling incoherently “Yes! Of course! I love you!” he chuckles “Good otherwise this would’ve been really awkward” He kisses you soundly on the mouth, your entire body feels like it’s been set on fire, you can feel the bond solidifying with the kiss, entire galaxies burst behind your eyelids as he deepens the kiss “Bucky” you murmur against his lips “yeah prinstessa I know”

Baby, say the word, darlin’

You know just how to hold the sucker down

So I’ll see you in the morning

I can’t watch you walk out

4 years later

You watch contently as Bucky splashes around the kiddy pool with your son, Bucky completely engrossed in teaching him how to float, laughing joyfully every time your son makes a splash, you had been married for more than 3 years and the addition of your boy had solidified the happy little family you had made for yourselves, you couldn’t be happier, Bucky picks up your son and spins him around, sunlight glinting off his metal arm, your sons head thrown back in laughter, It’s the most beautiful thing you have ever seen “you alrigh’ Darlin?” Bucky calls out, taking in the blissed out look on your face

“Yeah Baby, I’m perfectly fine” you reply answering Bucky’s smile with one of your own, Steve chuckles beside you, reaching for Sharon’s hand as she tries to nurse their daughter. Yup. Life was perfectly imperfect, and you wouldn’t change a damn thing.

Couldn’t hear the thunder, but I heard your heart race

Couldn’t see the rain, we’re too busy makin’ hurricanes

Love ain’t easy when it ain’t my way

But it gets hard, when you ain’t here makin’ me crazy

Tags:

@beckyyyyyx3 @smile-sugar @buckybear97 @i-had-a-life-once@minxyvixen@tilltheendwilliwrite@crownedloki@whyisbuckyso@redroomproperty@imgettingmarriedtobuckybarnes@griseldaevn@marvelous-fvcks@denialanderror@gingerbatchwife@chipilerendi @an-unholy-confession@wheresthekillswitch@buckysinthesinbin@melconnor2007@marshmellowgems11@38leticia@awinterloveuniverse@iamwarrenspeace@krissyxkitten@akiiiiiiiiiii@justreadingfics @adellyhatter-blog@christynjay@jessi909@buckyappreciationsociety @youreaninjaturtle-blog@geekyambz0938@aquabrie @gypsycat111@avenravenforever@erinvanlyssel @gatorgal94 @capt-coldy@soldierspetangel@glitterbras@genlovesdcb @kt-the-destroyer@chameerah @opaque-daydream@darkhinata15 @bolontiku@marvel-fanfiction @marvelrevival @standby-reality @theassetseyeliner

you know. sometimes i think. in the face of tony’s obvious trauma and ptsd. in the face of the more obvious pain that bucky has suffered. we forget that steve’s motivation in the film isn’t just his tendency to hold stubbornly fast to his ideals, to do what he feels is right and damn the rest. 

steve’s hurting too.

like. guys. we are so ready to give weight to tony’s emotional boiling over point at the end of the film, to say “this is why he tried to kill bucky, and it’s not right but it’s understandable.” we are so ready to acknowledge the fact that bucky was a victim and motivated to run by his fear of further persecution and hurt from nefarious forces. what about steve, though? when do we acknowledge that steve’s not just acting with righteous arrogance, but a deep anger, isolation, fear, loneliness, sadness, and hope?

steve died. like, his last memory before waking up seventy years in the future is a few days after watching his best friend fall from a train and he was unable to stop it he willingly flies a plane into the fucking Arctic, ostensibly to his death.

guys. guys. tony was fucked up for years because of untreated ptsd after falling from space and thinking he was dead. why is it so hard to remember that steve probably is fucked up, too? 

this dude, he wakes up seventy years in the future and he has to make his way without really anyone or anything familiar, and the only person who is familiar is suffering from memory loss, and he’s now operating under the thumb of shadowy organization that he’s not 100 percent does good things and that continuously lies to him. there’s no war to fight, but that’s all this body is good for. it’s all he knows. 

he doesn’t know what makes him happy. guys.

and so he goes through another trauma when he discovers this villain who is trying to kill him is in fact the dead best friend who—surprise!—was actually captured after falling and losing an arm and his brains were scrambled to turn him into a murder assassin. we know for a fact steve feels tremendous guilt over this. but imagine beyond guilt, the sorrow, the nightmarish possibilities, that are turning over in steve’s head. the idea of what his friend suffered. remember when rhodey fell from the sky and tony blasted sam in the chest? imagine the anger in steve’s heart at the idea of what bucky’s suffered and the unwillingness to let that go unchecked and unsaved.

oh, plus. that shadowy organization he’s been fighting for? the people he’s been taking orders from? the top dog in the neat little hierarchy that’s arranged his world? yeah. hydra. everything steve has known turns upside down. he can’t trust anything. imagine the paranoia. the suspicion. imagine the fear that must take seed at that betrayal.

and then! of course, then he begins fighting these battles with the avengers where the collateral damage is on such a bigger scale than it was at war. where there are aliens. aliens, you guys. and he’s tasked with leading this motley crew of superheroes in a world he’s still getting used to and people die, lots of people die, and we know that even if it doesnt visibly affect him like it affects tony (who always seems shocked when he’s confronted with loss, because it’s presented to him on a personal, individual level) it does affect him. that steve feels the guilt of lives lost. imagine that burden. imagine the weight of the shield, the mask, the responsibility. imagine the loneliness. the fear.

so then. then. in the space of a few days. steve deals with more guilt from the deaths in lagos. he shoulders that burden. then he deals with the moral quandary of signing the accords. he wrestles with that decision. peggy dies. he grieves, oh goodness does he grieve. vienna fuckin blows up and that elusive best friend is now the suspect. so steve is grieving, he is confused and conflicted, and now he feels doubly guilty—that’s the person he has been looking for, should he have already caught him? did he do it? he couldn’t have. does he bring him in? does he shoulder this responsibility too? what will they make him do when he catches up to bucky? what should he do? steve might act like he always knows what’s right, but a decision like this isn’t easy. it messes with a person. and when you’re dealing with all that mess in your head, sometimes you don’t think. sometimes…you act.

like when bucky is triggered, when steve stops a helicopter with his bare fucking hands, you can feel the desperation. that’s not ordinary heroics. that’s not steve just trying to stop bucky from escaping and possibly hurting others. it’s steve fighting for bucky. for this piece of his past. for the possibility of an end to loneliness. for the possibility of redemption for letting him fall. 

and when they go on the run, when they know they have to stop the supersoldiers, when they clash with tony’s team, can you imagine steve’s sheer frustration that no one gets what is at stake? that no one is willing to listen? and yes, he didn’t even try—but why is that, you think? is it possibly because steve is used to institutions and those in power ignoring what he thinks is right and causing disaster anyway?

when steve says, “pal, so are we.” when steve acknowledges to natasha that he’s 90 not dead, when he openly references the fact that he and bucky are 100, can you imagine knowing that? adjusting to that? being 20-something in body and memory but 100 in actuality? living in a body that people perceive as a weapon so strongly that you’ve become a weapon when you are still longing to rediscover the man you were? steve’s not just cap. steve’s steve, and he doesn’t know what makes him happy you guys. he’s a guy, he’s a human, and he’s dealing with A Lot.

i get that he makes some bad calls in the movie. so does tony. my beef is that while tony’s decisions are often supported by his very obvious trauma and emotional burden, we rarely seem to give enough weight to the very real and very similar turmoil that is going on inside of steve.

when tony is fighting him in siberia. when steve says, “he’s my friend,” so simply, so sadly, without any righteousness, just clean tired truth, that’s steve as steve. when he hid the truth from tony, that’s steve as steve. when he drops the shield, that’s steve reclaiming himself as steve. we expect cap all the time, because often, steve is cap. it’s easy to see him as the moral police that way, if reductionist.

but we forget to see steve as steve. that he is a kid, in some ways. and a grieving, lost, lonely kid with a lot of anger, sadness, confusion, and power boiling under the placid-seeming surface.

7x21 Fix-it Coda

Written by Praemonitus_Praemunitus

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Summary:  7x21 gave us awesome BAMF Steve scenes and chillingly good interactions with the deliciously villainous Michelle Shioma.  But it also robbed us of some beautiful McDanno scenes that should have been there but were cut (and yes, I blame the wholly unnecessary distraction of the Chicago side plot for that) and, while it gave us worried Danny, it didn’t quite satisfy.  Because when Danny’s worried about Steve he rants, yes.  But he’s also tactile.  He’s very, very tactile.  Especially when Steve gets hurt.  And that physical connection - it was missing from this episode, and it was sorely, sorely needed.  I promised a few of you that I will do my best to fix this.  The muse, for whatever reason, was exceptionally stubborn in getting this story out.  Painfully slow, and I apologize for the delay.  But I’m hoping the results are worth the wait.


“Good thing HPD knows we’re here.  Oh, that’s right, they don’t.”

 

Danny knew the moment he said those words that he was gonna regret them.  Because guilt-tripping Steve?  Mr. I’m-Responsible-For-Everyone’s-Problems McGarrett? What the hell was he thinking?

Steve didn’t say anything at the time, didn’t rise to the bait, but the words got to him, Danny knew. Saw it in the way Steve’s shoulders tensed when he stood there with his back toward them; in the shadow that settled behind the blue eyes.  And he should have said something right then.  Should have fixed it somehow before Steve got it into his head that this mess was solely his fault and that he and he alone was responsible for getting them out of it.

Only he hesitated – his mind too wracked with worry over their current predicament, too focused on Chin and Kono’s nervous chatter as they desperately tried to come up with a solution.  Took a second too long to approach his best friend.  Took a second too long to find the right words to say.  And by then it was already too late.

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