steve's guilt

Me finding fanfictions, a summary.
  • Me: Oh wow look at this new fanfic
  • Fanfic summary: These two mother fuckers are gonna fuck. thats all ive gotta say.
  • Me: *CLICK*
  • -After Reading-
  • Me: ...I SIGNED UP FOR READING PORN NOT CRYING EVERY SINGLE CHAPTE-
  • Fanfic Author: BITCH THERES A SEQUEL!
  • Me: *Click*
Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask a creative person how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it, they just saw something…they were able to connect experiences they’ve had and synthesize new things. And the reason they were able to do that was that they’ve had more experiences or they have thought more about their experiences than other people.
—  Steve Jobs 
5

Marvel vs Ao3 tags  Part 10/??

Finals. Steve x Reader

imagine by @imaginexwonder 

Author’s Note: today is my last day of finals, and I want to wish everyone luck who is still finishing up!

Word Count: 782


The sudden rush of cold air brought you out of a dead sleep. 

“Hey! What the heck?” Your eyes sprung open to see Steve standing over you with your warm blanket in his hands. “Steve..” you whined, “give it back.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be studying, Y/N?” You squinted up at him and shoved your textbook away from your chest and let it slam against the floor of the living room. Curling your arms around your torso, you turned to face the back of the couch in an attempt to guilt Steve into giving the blanket back. 

“Y/N?”

“I give up on college! I’m quitting. I don’t need it anyway.” You heard a long sigh of exasperation come from Steve and you couldn’t help but smirk; you were winning. You knew that you were right; your major had nothing to do with the work you did for the Avengers, and you both knew it. But, Steve also knew you well enough to know that you would hate yourself for not finishing after so much hard work has gone into it. 

“I wonder what Tony or Fury will have to say about it.”

“They don’t scare me.” 

“Mhm. Sure they don’t.” That was an utter lie. Stark and Fury both took good care of you since you had run away from your home in High School. You happened to be at the wrong place at the right time, and Nick Fury had seen your talent. Soon after, he offered you room and board, and pay, if you joined them. You’ve lived in Stark Tower under Tony’s supervision ever since. You knew darn well that if they got disappointed in you for quitting college at this point, you’d be devastated. “Well,” Steve continued, “I guess you have left me no choice.”

“Beat it, Rog- ahh!!!”  There was suddenly a super soldier crashing down onto you, shoving you into the couch even farther. “Oh my God! Get off you giant man-child!” Steve rolled onto his back and stretch each limb across you. “Your giant self is crushing me!” You rotated enough onto your back to start pushing at his shoulders. He just laughed at the attempt. 

“You going to keep studying and doing your classwork?”

“No! I told you, I’m quitting!” You gave up pushing and had a better idea. You could feel the heat radiate off of his body and used it to your advantage. You relaxed and adjusted to his weight and weaved your arms around his waist, pulling him and his warmth closer to you. You let slip a hum of content and nuzzled your face the back of his neck.

“Y/N?”

“No.”

“I’ll make you a deal.”

“I’m listening…”

“If you get all of your classwork done, the right way, by the end of today, I’ll be your blanket all through break. What do you say?” 

You drummed you fingers over his lower abdomen while in thought. After a minute passed you gave him a tap on his ribs in surrender. 

“Okay, fine. but, you need to go make me coffee. Now get off of me you giant goof!”  You gave him another shove and Steve slid himself off of you, still laughing. You were over dramatic and gave long gasps for air as your lungs finally could expand.  “Go on without me. Save yourself.” You waived your hand around to add to the flare, but it was caught in his own. 

“Come on,” he pulled you to your feet, “up you go!” He pulled you a little too hard and you went flying up and landed against his chest. He felt your smile against him and obliged one more time by wrapping his arms around you and puling you close. “Look at me, Y/N.” You did as he asked. “I mean it. Don’t stop now. You’ve come too far to stop now. You’ve got less than a year now.” He leaned his head down and kissed you. You pushed yourself up on your toes to help his reach. 

“Alright you two,” you both jumped and pulled away to see Tony walking through the room, reading his report files, “I’m pretty sure Y/N has some work that she could be doing.” He just kept walking as you giggled into your own hand. 

“I’ll go make coffee.” Steve kissed the top of your head and you nodded.

“Yeah, good idea. I’ll grab my books.”

“Don’t touch that blanket either, Y/N!”

You stuck your tongue out at him, “Yes, Captain.” He shook his head at you and headed off to make your coffee. You finished the classwork before dinner and even got higher grades than you thought you’d end with. All it took was the right motivation. 

Guilt, worry and tickles

I needed to write some adorable Broishness between Steve and Natsha, because I found THIS picture, you can see. I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS WEIRD CHAOS I WROTE DOWN THERE!!!

A slight knocking could be heard at her door. She rolled her eyes and turned around in her wonderfully warm bed.

“Tasha?”

Nope. No, she wouldn’t get up. Not for anyone or anything. This was her lazy Sunday and no one could take it away from her.

“Natasha, are you awake?”

With a groan Natasha clasped her pillow over her head and buried deeper into the sheets. Why did the others have to bother her that early in the morning? Couldn’t she ever just get a little bit of peace?

“I can hear you groaning!!”

Right. Supersoldier => Superhearing. Who the hell cares?

“Natasha, do you know what time it is?”

Too early, was all Natasha could think in that moment, so she groaned some more.

“It’s 12:25!!”

Her eyelids fluttered open like a storm was swiping over them. Her entire body tensed up and her heart dropped about two thousand feet. It couldn’t possibly be that late. She never slept that long! Lately she hadn’t really slept at all, but it’s not like she wasn’t used to short nights. 15 hours of sleep? Straight? How the hell did that happen? 

Keep reading

Omitted Steve Rogers angst: “All I had to do was hold on.”

So I was reading the Captain America: The First Avenger screenplay today (because reasons), and I noticed an interesting omission in the scene with Peggy and Steve in the bombed out tavern after Bucky’s fall. 

I bolded the bits in the screenplay that were left out of the film. It’s always interesting to see what makes the final cut and what doesn’t. In this case, what was left on the cutting room floor, or perhaps not filmed at all was even more Steve angst, guilt and pain… 

                                                             +++

PEGGY

It wasn’t your fault.

STEVE
You read the report?

PEGGY
Yes.

STEVE
Then you know that’s not true.

PEGGY
You did everything you could-

STEVE
I got in over my head. Bucky waded in and pulled me out, just like he always did. And the one time he needed me to return the favor, I couldn’t.

PEGGY
I doubt it’s that simple.

STEVE
All I had to do was hold on.

PEGGY
Did you believe in your friend? Respect him? Then stop blaming yourself. Allow Barnes his choice. He damn well must’ve thought you were worth it.

(I’m sure someone must’ve brought this up years ago, but I’ve just climbed aboard this fandom, so apologies if I’m rehashing old hash…)

peggy wanting so desperately to be like steve, to be the shield, but thinking she has to do it alone. believing she has to distance herself from everyone, in order to prevent those closest to her from getting hurt.

peggy learning that she can share the weight with others, that protecting everyone is more successful when she has help.

may going into bahrain and trying to be the whole solution but failing, trying to protect and save everyone but being unable to. locking herself away to prevent anyone else from getting close, to stop them from getting hurt. 

may learning that she can let people in again, learning that her presence isn’t enough to get them hurt, but it’s sure as hell enough to help stop that from happening.

jemma leaving shield to infiltrate hydra and protect her friends, believing she can help fitz recover more fully by removing herself from the situation. keeping all her emotions and trauma tightly reined in, to prevent her friends from having to bear that weight. blaming herself for not being able to save trip.

it’s jemma’s turn to learn the lesson now. it’s may’s turn to help her understand this truth.

just.

shield ladies learning that they don’t have to carry the weight of the world alone, and that they can protect people better when they have support.

shield ladies learning this from each other.

This idea that Steve’s survivors guilt translates to being romantic is so toxic (just saw a post on my dash, because it was tagged in a tag I track, that gave me extreme pause). The way he treats his own life as disposable, or not as valuable as anyone else’s and so purposely places himself in more harm’s way then is strictly necessary, the way he withdrawals into himself sometimes, the way he idealizes the past… these are all textbook examples of survivors guilt. They are not a sign of eternal devotion (although, yes, Steve is extremely loyal), they shouldn’t be considered a sign of relationship material… they’re a freakin’ cry for help!

The fact that Steve feels extremely guilty for asking Bucky, his childhood friend and protector, to join the Howling Commandos, ultimately leading to Bucky falling from a train. The fact that Steve feels guilty for not going back for Bucky’s body, for blaming himself for everything that happened to Bucky, is not a healthy mindset. It is tragic. Particularly as it leads to destructive behavior. Should he still have helped Bucky? Absolutely!!! Especially with that ‘shoot on sight’ order! In the deleted scenes/concept art, Sharon said it best, she intervened because Steve was the only one who could bring Barnes in without resulting in Barnes death. Moreover, none of what happened to Bucky is Bucky’s fault, so of course Steve was right to intervene. That said, Steve’s manic drive to save Bucky is not relationship fodder. What both of those boys need is massive amounts of therapy and not of the ‘magical healing penis’ variety.

I believe firmly in ship and let ship. I’m not saying the act of shipping this pair is inherently bad, because it’s not. If it brings you happiness (and as long as you don’t use that ‘shippers happiness’ as an excuse to abuse others *cough*likehowsharonistreatedinfandom*cough*), go for it. But when I see a post that claims that clear symptoms of PTSD are 'romantic’, um, how about no. I don’t know what kind of relationships ya’ll are looking for in real life, where you think this is cool, but I worry for you.

chris confirmed that steve has survivors guilt about letting bucky fall, he thinks that it’s his fault why what happened to bucky happened because he let go of him in the mountains i am in pain pls send help

Stucky Gym AU

So, lately I’ve been hooked on the idea of a Stucky gym AU where Steve and Bucky both work as trainers at the same gym along with the rest of the avengers. Bucky shamelessly flirts with Steve day in and day out, but Steve can’t seem to take a hint (even though everyone can tell that Steve has a crush on Bucky as well). So eventually everyone else starts trying to help Bucky get Steve’s attention. 

Bruce tries to help by occasionally guilting Steve into covering his Mommy-To-Be yoga class. Why?  Well, first of all, watching the man struggle and stammer under the ogling gazes of a dozen pregnant women is amusing as fuck. But the MAIN REASON, is that whenever Steve subs for Bruce, Bucky INSISTS on joining the class for the day (“I don’t know, Stevie, I just can’t get this position by myself, you should come over here and help me”  “Bucky, what are you-? You’re not even trying! And why is your butt in the air, that is no where close to the position you’re supposed to be in!” “Are you sure about that, Stevie?” “Bucky, NO!” *mad blushing*)

Thor, bless his soul, goes in with the best of intentions, but for the most part is loud, unsubtle, and overall unhelpful. At first, he tries to help by loudly proclaiming the “virile strength of Bucky’s masculinity and warrior aesthetic” in front of Steve. But the result is more awkward and embarrassing than helpful, so Bucky thanks him for the effort but asks him to stop. Thor then suggests they do a strength competition, promising to make Bucky look good in front of Steve. But Thor ends up ruining the plan when he picks up the biggest dumbbell he can find to start with and Bucky just stares at him and laments his hopeless situation because there’s no way Bucky can keep up with this freight train of a man.

Natasha tries to go the stealth route by stealing Steve’s clothes while he’s in the shower on a weekly basis, leaving room for Bucky to sweep in and save the day by lending Steve his own clothes (of which he conveniently has an extra pair). However, her motivation for doing this may be equal parts wanting to help Bucky out and wanting to see Steve forced into clothing that is even more indecently tight than usual. (No matter her intentions, Bucky is grateful.)

Clint takes it on himself to use grade-school techniques to get the two together. This basically means that whenever he sees the chance to push and or trip Steve into Bucky’s (sometimes waiting, sometimes completely unprepared) arms, he takes it. And while Bucky does appreciate the extended full body contact these instances provide, he does not appreciate getting bulldozed to the ground in front of his clients (clients who, for the most part, never let him forget the time Steve came barreling into him and he let out a scream that could rival that of any five year old girl).

Sam claims that he wants nothing to do with everyone else’s shenanigans. Claims that it is inappropriate and unprofessional to be messing with their co-workers lives like this. So if, when Steve and Sam carpool from work, Sam accidentally forgets and leaves without Steve, it’s a total coincidence. Even though Sam knows it means Steve will have to get a ride home with Bucky instead, it is so not on purpose.

Tony rigs the PA system to blare “Brick House” whenever Steve walks into a room. (To be honest, Tony doesn’t really try all that hard, and he’s definitely not helpful. But it amuses him. So everyone just lets him be.)

Now, with everyone striving so hard to help Bucky in his cause, you’d think it wouldn’t take long for Steve to finally figure it out, right?

But you see, that’s the catch.

Cause in the end, it turns out that Steve DID know what was going on the whole time (I mean c’mon, the guy’s not an idiot). He just found it much more amusing to wait for Bucky to run out of cheesy pick-up techniques and finally legit ask him on a date. Cause really, watching Bucky strive to come up with new ‘sexy’ ways to drink from a water bottle while still trying to be subtle (”trying” being the important distinction here, as Bucky NEVER succeeded in being subtle) was a blessing that Steve was reluctant to give up too soon. (Granted, he could definitely have done without everyone else’s half-assed meddling, but whatever.)

So after Bucky finally get’s his shit together and straight up asks Steve on a date, the first thing Steve says after he accepts is “I do hope these last few months have been as good for you as they’ve been for me.”

Cause as we all know, Steve Rogers is a cheeky lil’ shit. 

“He remembered you.”

All right, feels time. This is all just from my head; I don’t think any of it is canon.



Crossbones didn’t just say “he remembered”. It was a specified jab at Steve - Bucky remembered you. You let him down, you left him, you’re responsible for this happening to him. Crossbones is probably trying to guilt-trip Steve, make him emotional so he gets careless in his fighting. But even if Steve keeps his head during the fight, he’s the kind of person that would remember that later and worry over it. Worry that Bucky would blame him for everything and reject him. After all, the last time the two of them met they were enemies; while Bucky clearly wasn’t immersed in HYDRA’s programming like he had been before, he was still acting on his orders to do anything necessary to stop the helicarriers from being reprogrammed. He was willing to sacrifice himself, if necessary, and to kill his best friend.



But, why was it important that Crossbones mentioned Bucky remembering? Bucky probably remembered a lot of things when they were first training him. He had a lot of memories from his childhood, growing up in New York, training serving in the army, etc. In my opinion, Bucky let go of those things when Pierce and HYDRA were trying to empty him of his memories. They weren’t as important to him as remembering his best friend. Long after he forgot everything else – maybe even his own name – he kept holding on to what he had left of Steve. On the same day he didn’t know his own name (“Who the hell is Bucky?) he remembered Steve (“That man on the bridge… I knew him.”). Steve meant so much to Bucky that remembering his best friend was more important than remembering his name.



When HYDRA first took him, Bucky had faith that Steve would save him again. He hoped that somehow things would turn out okay, just like when he was kidnapped behind enemy lines in the 40s and Steve beat down the gates of hell to come to him. But every time Bucky started to remember, his memories got taken away again. Did he start to remember his old life every time he was out of the ice for too long? How much did he learn each time he started to come back? Whenever he got memories of Steve and the ‘40s, there were also memories of those memories being purged from his mind. For him, they were tainted. Though he was desperate to remember something familiar, Bucky was afraid because it always brought him pain. It was clear in Winter Soldier that he was afraid of the machine that was programmed to wipe his mind. Of course, anyone would be a little worried about something like that coming down on their head, but he was phobic. He knew what was going to happen; some part of his brain remembered the disorientation and pain that came from that machine and reminded him that he was about to lose everything again.



Which demands the question, why didn’t Bucky just run? Disappear after a mission, ask for government protection, tell his story and try to keep as far away from HYDRA as possible? It’s possible that he was afraid of being punished for the things he’d done. I think he was protecting Steve. I think Pierce offered a deal back when Bucky still knew his best friend – him or you. If HYDRA could take Bucky, they could take Steve; that would have been a threat to keep Bucky in his place until he didn’t have to be constantly pushed into submission. Bucky knew that if his side was going to win the war, they needed Captain America. Just like the Smithsonian exhibit said, “Barnes is the only Howling Commando to give his life in service of his country.” He didn’t only give his life, he gave up his identity. He gave up himself. Bucky Barnes was a hero.

I choose to believe

That by Civil War Bucky has more or less settled into the person he’s going to be and that person 

A. Doesn’t feel like dealing with Steve’s guilt complex. Whatever, bad shit happened, my choices were my own, ain’t your fault, it’s my stuff to deal with, how about you focus on your own PTSD, kthxyou’reharshingmymellowSteve,damn.

B. Takes personal delight in doing the exact opposite of what people want him to do. What’s that Sam, don’t jump off the building cause blahblah CATCH ME! 

C. Likes to experiment with clothes and hair and makeup and whatever the fuck else because He Just Can. Maybe it’s fun, maybe it’s just a source of comfort to make himself look like whatever he wants on any given day and know he had that freedom, maybe he just likes saying eff expectations, maybe he just likes pretty things. 

D. Thinks this upright sweet talking no cursing America’s Boy image Steve has is hilarious. Steve? Steve Rogers? Doesn’t curse? This guy who used to get pummeled and then get back up to be pummeled again and you all think he took that without a single ‘naughty word’. Steve is a jerk. He was a jerk then, he’s a jerk now, he’ll be a jerk 70 years from now (and Bucky wouldn’t have him any other way.) 

E. Sits around shit talking with Sam for hours. Just nothing but droll sarcasm and rapid fire snark from their corner of the room for hours. Sam is just the best. Where did Steve even find this guy? Can they keep him? He’s going to go ahead and keep him. (Sam is surprisingly fine with this.) 

F. Adores Clint’s kids, particularly his daughter. Maybe she reminds him of his sister. (Clint realizes that between Auntie Nat, borderline obsessive Auntie Wanda, Cranky grandpa Fury, and Uncle Bucky who insists every girl should know how to use a switchblade before puberty his poor kids have lost any chance of normality. But it’s fine, the sheer amount of love and care more than makes up for it.) 

G. Lives in a cramped place with Sam and Steve and no, Tony, we don’t want something bigger or closer or totally automated or full of robots (Unless Tony is willing to part with Dum-E, who is awesome. Tony isn’t willing.) He likes that it’s full of stuff and that he trips over signs of Steve and Sam often and that it feels like it’s his/theirs. He also likes stealing Sam’s orange juice and blaming Steve. Steve keeps trying to tattle but Sam refuses to believe His Bucky is capable of such evil. 

H. Actually really likes Nick Fury. Oh sure, the guy’s a hardass and would probably sell them out for the greater good but he’d come and rescue them all after (and burn down whatever he had to in the process) and Bucky can understand that. Doing the right thing isn’t always pretty. 

H. Isn’t okay and might never be okay but who is these days? Not Steve or Sam or Natasha or…well maybe Clint. And that’s fine. He sees a shrink, he runs with Sam and Steve in the morning, he tries to do good things, and some days are hard and he doesn’t want to get out of bed or keep breathing and maybe that’s fine too. 

howard, under the influence of the hypnotism, claiming his love is fueled by his guilt–claiming steve is important bc he is the only evidence of the good things howard can create, rather than the bad. howard’s love, here, inherently selfish.

howard, later, wryly noting: steve was good even before howard, wasn’t he? howard, before, staunchly telling peggy that he understands her grief because he feels it too. howard, his love for steve being acknowledged and validated as real by peggy herself. howard’s love, here, inherently true.

I WANT MORE OF HOWARD/PEGGY/STEVE BACKSTORY. Please.  

My OTPs part 12

Stucky: I’ve watched all the MCU movies and have people on my dash who are Stony and Stucky fans for a long time,but I only started shipping them after rewatching Captain America:The Winter Soldier a couple of months ago.You know the moment when something just click right inside your mind? (when the stars align :P) For me it was just like that.


Steve and Bucky have such a beautiful and dramatic story together,it’s interesting to see how throughout everything that happened their dynamics changed,but the spark of that something that brought them together in the first place it’s always there.It’s something made of pure instinct and emotion that goes beyond all reason. I do like to think of them as soulmates.

Originally posted by logicofalldreams


I’ve been reading comics here and there for all my life(I am more familiar with Batman and Xmen) and Captain America was such a patriotic symbol and that was a bit boring to me,but the Brubaker/Epting run was great.  And how in the comics Steve is guilt-ridden about his inability to save the most important person in his life,and Bucky after having his memories back,feels undeserving of Steve.

And I thought about all the alternative universes in the comics and how the MCU movies are a little different from the comics.So why can’t I believe in a universe where Steve and Bucky are in a romantic relationship?Where they moved in their friendship to be something more?The friends to lovers possibilities attracted me so much!

Originally posted by skylerlockerbie


The fandom is so talented,so much art,gifs,edits,fanfics.Sometimes I’m scared of readind the fanfics, because there’s so many ships and I am not a multishipper.It was one of the first things I learned about myself when I started reading fics.That’s just the way I am.Ship and let ship.

Originally posted by laurenkmyers

I have mixed thoughts about Civil War,I know Steve and Bucky are men that don’t talk about their feelings but a hug would’ve been nice, okay.Because if I had not watched the previous movies I would‘ve been asking myself why Steve was doing all that.With the future of the MCU still open I have no idea what will happen but I love to think of them taking a break away from everything and riding together into the sunset in a powerful bike.A girl can dream! 

In the MCU, Steve Rogers has killed people.

Matt Murdock has not.

Yet, Steve is still seen as morally good and Matt as morally questionable.

I believe it’s due to their conviction. Steve believes in what he’s doing; it’s the right thing to do, and he’s right, so the violence is treated as necessary and no big deal.

Matt, however, struggles with justifying to himself the violence he inflicts. Yes it’s the right thing, but he’s less sure about the necessity of violence than Steve. His own guilt at having such a violent nature makes the audience question his actions.

I love both characters, I just find it interesting how differently they are viewed despite their similarities. 

Tiny Spy Assassin Steve pt. VI

Happy Sunday, have some misery!

Previous parts here. No adult content in this one. 

***

Two vodka tonics later, Steve would have felt guilty about holding this pity party at Sam and Bucky’s, but Sam was laughing so hard he was crying, and Steve had stopped feeling guilt about anything to do with Bucky by the time both of them had hit puberty.

“He’s going into a war zone to demonstrate a missile for the occupying forces in conflict with warlords,” he continued, the outrage rising inside him. He could tell that he was well past tipsy, on the way to being drunk, but mainly because Peggy was humoring him, which she never did any other time.

Keep reading