you’re having a really bad day and look up and kinda say, “please, please, please, someone help me”, and one minute later a guy with little horns pops up from NOWHERE and just goes, “man, you don’t know how fast angels are. like, daaaaaamn. can you believe I am feeling the tiniest bit exhausted? WOW”
apparently the Devil’s son heard your request and had to fight several angels just to arrive first and be your helping “guardian” because “you’re cute”.
I’m sleeping over at my friend’s flat from university after study group and just got woken up in the middle of the night by their roommate, who is sitting in the kitchen, listening very loudly to the dirty dancing soundtrack and crying. Like wtf, I didn’t even know they had a roommate and normally I would yell at you but damn you are cute. You really need to stop tho dude, its 4am, some people in this house want to sleep AU
I am a barista and you are a customer who comes in every day and orders the same thing and today my friend brought you with them, I didn’t even know we had mutual friends and WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY YOUR NAME HAVE I REALLY BEEN WRITING A NAME THAT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO YOURS ON YOUR CUPS FOR OVER HALF A YEAR WHY HAVE YOU NEVER CORRECTED ME AU
The house party me and my friends threw kinda escalated and after throwing out everyone I found this half naked person passed out in my bed but I can’t be bothered to wake them up now so I’m just gonna go to sleep and deal with it in the morning, they are kind of cute anyway AU
(or alternatively) I just woke up in a stranger’s bed and I’m half naked, I cant remember anything about yesterday besides that the party was great and that I got absolutely wasted AND OH MY GOD THERE IS A HOT PERSON NEXT TO ME IN BED AND THEY ARE NOT WEARING MUCH WHAT DID WE DO YESTERDAY AU
You are my new coworker and I’m pretty sure I’ve never met you SO WHY ARE YOU LOOKING SO FAMILIAR FUCK I THINK YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE ANGSTY EMO KIDS I USED TO STALK BACK IN THE MYSPACE DAYS I CANT BELIEVE THIS AU
We work out at the same gym and you are my declared rival because we have the same workout routine and you are always better than me and on my way to the locker room I passed you in the shower where you were singing the opening of hannah montana and I can still hear you and you switched to the lion king now and even though I hate you I think I am kind of in love with you AU
I’m hiding in the bathroom of a restaurant from a spectacularly awful tinder date and you are in a similar situation because a guy at the bar just won’t stop hitting on you and now we are planning an epic escape together even though we only met ten minutes ago AU
so here’s another AU idea, since there’s this online sex shop that’s located in the same building as a hardware store and they’re both owned by the same person, so for discretion’s sake the things you order from the sex shop are sent in packages from the hardware store but a lot of people know about that ruse. now please imagine character A being a bit of a social recluse and always ordering things from the hardware store, unaware of the existence of the sex shop, meanwhile their neighbor character B, who always receives the packages by accident, knows about the sex shop and gets gradually more impressed by the sizes of the packages, believing character A to be kinky and always teasing them like “wow, you really seem to love some good, hard ware” and character A is just really, really confused
tfw a fanfic writer’s writing style gets better with each new story. like you’re just sitting there sobbing and being all proud of this complete stranger while watching their work improve as you read through their increasingly descriptive stories about anal sex
"I'm the monster that is attacking your group and they've elected you to be the sacrifice to me. 1 ) Your friends are dicks and 2 ) wow you're cute. I don't want to hurt you now pls calm down."
"I've been kidnapped and held in a really dark room. I don't now how long I've been here but.....you're coming for me right? Please?"
"You're part of some mysterious government branch that's pulled me out of prison try and hack - what us this Russia? China? Anyway. You say it's impossible, so f u Imma do it out of spite. Now we're on the run from scary spies. Can I go back to prison now this is way more than I asked for."
was invented just to make girls starve so they can fit in a dress and
compete over a stupid title.”
–” Derek blinks, eyes his sister dubiously, “I’m not a girl?”
the kitchen Laura bursts out laughing. “Don’t worry.” She yells.
“Cora is just jealous she will have to wait five
years to go to her own prom.”
not going!” Cora yells back. “Prom is stupid, I don’t even know
why you’re going,” she tells Derek, “it’s not like you know how
to have fun.”
raises an eyebrow while Laura just laughs harder. “Oh my god.”
Their older sister says. “I stay away for six months and Cora turns
into a sassy queen.” She walks into the living room, pretends to
wipe at her eyes. “I’m so
two are ridiculous.” Derek says, turning around. “And I’m just
going because Erica promised to pay me. With ice cream.” Then he
gives Cora a wicked smile. “That I’m not going to share with either
are the worst brother!” Cora yells as he begins to climb the
stairs. “And I hope you fall on your ass while trying
hear you!” Derek’s cell begins to ring. “Too busy getting ready
Laura lets out a high-pitched laughter. “I love you two so much.”
Derek shakes his head fondly, closes his bedroom door behind himself
just as Cora tells Laura to shut up. “Hey.” He answers the phone,
collapsing on his bed. “What’s up?”
Stiles answers, “whatcha doing?”
to my sisters fight.” He says, snorting when he hears his dad start
complaining about all the yelling and ‘no, Cora, I’m not letting you
go to prom, you’re thirteen!’.
“I’m gonna have to check the trunk of my car tomorrow night.”
laughs. “She’s not that
you keep teaching her, she will be.” Derek blurts out, curses
himself mentally when he realizes it came out harsher than he
It’s just – sometimes he can’t help it. He’s known Stiles since
they were four, Cora wasn’t even born then, but one day she turned
eleven and Stiles became her new favorite person. Stiles couldn’t
find it funnier and took Cora as his little apprentice. He even
taught her how to cheat on Mario Kart.
never taught Derek that.
Derek rolls his eyes, thinks about his little sister still downstairs
pouting and trying to convince their dad that she’s old enough to go
out. He shouldn’t be jealous of her, but the thing is – he grew up
with two sisters, he knows how to share toys and food, but he doesn’t
know how to share Stiles.
Thrill is one of my older fics, but I’ve always had a special soft spot for it and as soon as I heard that slash was opening commissions, I knew I wanted to see The Ice Cream Kiss™ in her style. I think it’s safe to say she absolutely killed it!! Isn’t this amazing??? :’)
(Super-fast idea, because I found this
picture and, after laughing at the Sheriff’s face for two minutes straight, the
idea hit me straight in the face)
Several years in the future, Derek and the
Sheriff are kind of buddies.
Derek is now a consultant for the Beacon Hills
police for any kind of supernatural crime or when they need his super
sniffer in critical emergencies (Derek found the lost little girl almost
immediately, while the K9 unit from the next town was still lost in the woods.
The Sheriff was so proud. They never talk about the fact that they had to circle
the town in John’s police car, Derek’s head hanging out of the window like
a poodle on a roadtrip).
So John and Derek sometimes hang out,
watch football match together, they have a beer, talk about Stiles’ news
from college. They enjoy each other’s company in a very quiet, simple way.
Then, Stiles comes back to Beacon Hills for
Christmas, and immediately comes out as bisexual to his dad.
The Sheriff blinks, then hugs him.
should be the end of it. John is genuinely glad that Stiles told him, and happy
that he seems to grow up happy in his own skin.
John honestly doesn’t mean to search stuffs
online, but he’s bored, and one innocent question about LGBT rights in California turn into a quick google search and quickly devolve into a spiral of links. John falls deep. Too
He manages to keeps his anxiety at bay all
the way to Derek’s home, and his knocks on the door are barely frantic. But Derek
opens the door as if he is expecting the Sheriff to be on fire, so John guesses
that he didn’t control his panic-stricken heartbeat as well as he thought.
After a few minutes of assuring Derek that
no, Stiles is fine, John is fine, everyone is fine, no Stiles isn’t hurt,
nobody’s kid got missing again, Melissa is fine, there is no monster eating
anyone, Stiles is totally ok, and
getting a glass of perfectly good whisky from Derek (who apparently keeps it
around just for John), John finally explains.
Because Derek? Derek is bisexual.
They have talked about it in passing
several times. Talked about Derek’s ex, Jeff, who used to be a cop in New Jersey until he got
shot on duty and became a teacher. Talked of the creep Derek had to call the police on one night while he was drinking at the Jungle
and despairing over the shitty techno music. Talked about the association for LGBT kids Derek gives money to, and that he goes help from times to times.
To the Sheriff, it never seemed like a
detail more important than knowing that Derek hates cheap beer or that he is a
sore loser when his sport team gets slaughtered.
But now, now it is important. Because the
Sheriff needs someone with answers,
precise answers, about things that he can’t ask directly to his kid.
About giant sex toys and trips to the ER and
drugs use and STDs and biphobia and bullying.
He kind of blurt it all. Derek’s eyes look
gigantic and his eyebrows almost fly off his forehead.
So that’s how Derek becomes the Sheriff’s mentor
in everything LGBT.
It’s not as weird as it could be.
Derek answers all the questions as best as
he can, tries to reassure him. When he doesn’t know (and he wonders where the Sheriff got these informations), they look for answers
together online, while staying far away from certain websites.
(All the while, Derek tries to ignore really, really hard, that Stiles is bisexual
and apparently single. He fails).
Then maybe the Sheriff brings Derek back home in
the hope that Derek will talk to Stiles about all these stuffs (because he’s
not sure he has mastered the details enough to give the bisexual version of the
Talk. Also, the image of the humongous dildo is still haunting him).
So they end up all around the kitchen table,
Stiles looking bewildered and a little bit lost, Derek resigned and awkward and the Sheriff looking
at them with crazy eyes (again, gigantic dildo. And ER trips. Melissa works there, this can never
happen to them) until they start talking.
Stiles knows all those things. Derek knows
that Stiles knows. They talk about it anyway because, well, the Sheriff is starting to turn grey in worry.
After a little while, Stiles finally understands that Derek
is talking from experience. That Derek is bisexual. And single.
And Derek knows that Stiles is bisexual. And single.
The awkwardness quickly turns to vague innuendos, then obvious flirting, then
eyefucking over mugs of coffee.
The Sheriff gets his colors back progressively.
He wonders for a second if he should protest this development (the whole, 7
years older and a werewolf thing could be a problem), but really, Derek is a
And he apparently knows how to use lube,
condoms, and would never be stupid enough to use a gigantic dildo then lose it
somewhere in his son.
All in all, he’s ok with the direction this whole thing is taking.
(You can find my other headcanons/not fic here and my fics on AO3. Please come say hi on tumblr when you want people :D)
Stiles was fumbling for his phone as soon as he was out of the class and out of earshot of any of the other interns.
“Come on, come on, pick up big guy, I know you still have this number,” Stiles said to no one, bouncing on balls of his feet.
“Heyyy Derek! Aren’t you getting a little sick of being on the run for murder?”
“Wha- Stiles? How the hell do you know about that?”
“I’m in the FBI,” Stiles said matter-of-factly. “We know everything.”
Derek said nothing.
Stiles snorted. “I got into the FBI intern program, we’ll be working with the actual feds on real cases, one of which is y-”
“Oh, wow, Stiles, that’s awesome,” Derek said from the other side of the line, cutting Stiles off. “Congrats, you deserve it.”
“Wh- oh. Thank you, yeah, my dad is really proud.”
“He should be.”
Stiles smiled. Then a sidelong glance from one of his classmates across the lawn and he remembered why he was calling.
“But actually tho, can you please stop getting yourself wanted for murder? I’m getting real tired of saving your ass from the cops.”
“I seem to remember that first time was entirely your fault,” Derek said flatly, but Stiles could hear the smirk in his voice.
“Hey, that was at least 85% Scott’s fault.” There was a pause. “Okay, maybe 50%,” he added, and Derek chuckled. “Unfortunately, buddy, I can’t hide you in my room this time - my roommate will start to get ideas.”
“Wrong ones?” Derek asked neutrally.
Stiles narrowed his eyes, even though Derek couldn’t see him, but chose to ignore the question. “So are you gonna tell me what happened?”
Derek took a deep breath and started. “Believe it or not, this is not my fault.”
Sterek AU: After the death of Claudia magic becomes a taboo in the Stilinski house hold. Everytime Stiles wants to show his dad his magic, to help his dad with his magic John lashes out. Not knowing what to do with the gift that he got from his mother, Stiles represses his magic - doing nearly unrepairable damage to himself.
Years later Derek returns to Beacon Hills to find that the Alpha that killed his sister is far from the most dangerous thing in town.
Do you know what I will always be bitter about from the waste that was TW?
That in order to give us cheap escalating horror and tragedy, they never let us saw the smallest things about the day to day life in the Pack.
Like what waitresses think when they see this mismatch group of beautiful people cram into the booth of their dinner at 3AM, clothes half torn up and smiling like crazy people. Do they think they are a kinky sex club? Do they think they are actors in a horror movie on a break? Do they just don’t bat an eye because they have seen so much worse (and they are polite and give good tips?)
Or what shopping is life as a werewolf. Are you able to smell if a fruit is ripe? are there security footage of Derek helping an old lady chose the right watermelon somewhere?
Where is my boy scout type moment, with Derek trying to teach as many things as he can about surviving into the woods? Where is my “don’t fuck with boar. Seriously don’t do it. You are a werewolf but they are boars, if you see one just climb a tree for fuck sake, don’t be a hero”. Where is my Scott and Jackson fighting about a type a moss and what it means.
Where are my “craming for exams” night, with lot of junk food, Lydia looking vaguely condescendant, and Derek not understanding why they are highschoolers spilled all over his floor? (but looking secretly pleased about it)
Or the pack reaction the first time they saw Derek hale in a suit (because damn). Lydia would sigh happily (because she totally chose the suit and she’s the best), Erica would stay silent and poker face and take so much pictures with her phone it’s basically a movie, Jackson would grumble something, kira would be all excited, etc…
(Stiles would totally screech and nope right out of the door in self defense, let’s be honest)
I just… I miss the little things that would have been (even if it made me love the fandom that much more)
Stiles and Derek share glances from across the bar for the past hour.
“Either I’ve got a real chance with Monsieur Eyebrows there, or I’m on his hit list…,” Stiles mutters to Scott as he bites his lip, debating.
“I’ll take the risk, hold my beer.”
“Wait, what?!” Scott flails, grabbing his glass and sending out an SOS group text with the guy’s picture and description, just in case.
3 years later
“Everyone please raise your glasses in honor of
Mieczyslaw,” Scott covers the mic, “sorry Stiles I had to,”
“and Derek. Who knew that three years ago you were both destined to converge on the same path in life and become one in heart and soul. Stiles took a gamble, he thought Derek was either the man of his dreams or a serial killer.”
Cora snorts loudly as Laura intones, “He still calls me to come get rid of spiders in his home!”
Derek flushes, but Stiles grabs his hand and kisses his cheek, “Spiders are evil incarnate, Der.”
John chuckles and whispers to Melissa, “Stiles found out about Derek’s arachnophobia and tried to create a spell to protect their house. Nearly lost his eyebrows when it backfired.”
“Hey, HEY! This is a joyous occasion, people! Back to our love story.” Stiles fixes his jacket and sits down with a huff.
“You looked sexy even with half an eyebrow,” Derek murmurs, delighting in following Stiles’ blush as it travel from the top of his eyes below his collar with his lips.
“As you can see,” Scott gestures to the couple in question, “It seems the only thing Derek killed was the chance of anyone else being able to lovingly cradle and protect Stiles’ heart. Cheers to the Stilinski-Hales!”