Give me a live action Batman film that tries to be dark and gritty but gets ruined by the sassy and sarcastic comments and bad puns from all of his kids

An average day at Wayne Manor

Bruce: *sitting and reading the newspaper* 

*suddenly hears a crash and some screaming from upstairs* 

*footsteps running back and forth on the ceiling*  

Dick: Bruuuuuuce!!!!

*another crash and some muffled grunting* 

Jason: Don’t listen to him, Bruce, everything is fine!!!

*some more muffled cursing and punches*

Damian: This is all your fault, Todd!!!

Tim: For the love of god, somebody put out the fire!!!!

*more running* 

Steph: I got it!!!

*the sounds of a pipe bursting* 

*more screaming and cursing* 

Dick: Bruuuce!!! Call the fire department!!!

Tim: Screw that, call the Justice League!!! Damian’s on fire!!!

*more screaming* 

Bruce: *takes a sip of tea* I hate my life

Batdad Dadcanons

The first time Dick called Bruce Dad, Bruce practically melted, and enveloped his son in the largest hug he could.

The first time Jason called him Dad, it was after a fight, and they were already hugging. Bruce just smiled and wiped his nose.

The first time Tim called him Dad, Bruce cried, because this war of theirs had already cost Tim his real father and Bruce didn’t feel like an adequate replacement.

The first time Stephanie called him Dad, he got very confused. What do you mean, Stephanie, you have a father, he’s still around, but she just hugged him tight and said, no, he’s not my dad anymore. You are.

The first time Cassandra called him Dad, it was quiet, and subtle. The only acknowledgment was a nod of recognition on both sides.

The first time Damian called him Dad instead of Father, Bruce nearly had a heart attack. And immediately ran to grab a thermometer to make sure his son wasn’t sick.

The first time Duke called him Dad, it was a little hesitant. Bruce took him aside and explained to him, gently, that it was okay if he didn’t feel like a part of the family yet, he didn’t have to call Bruce Dad if he didn’t want to, but Bruce would always consider him his son. The second time Duke called him Dad came shortly after that, and Bruce cried.

The first time Terry called him Dad, Bruce asked him not to, because Warren McGinnis was the boy’s father for every purpose except genetically and Bruce didn’t want to take that away from him. Terry was secretly glad when Bruce explained this.

The first time Hal Jordan called him Dad, it was by accident in the middle of a firefight. Both of them stared at each other, and immediately agreed to never speak of it again.

Batfamily as things my family has said

Barbara: “If you eat that piece of bacon I swear to god this friendship is over" 

Dick: *sneaks up on unsuspecting sibling* *randomly drops and crushes said sibling with all their weight* "HUMPBACK WHALE!!!" 

Jason: "Hey come here, I have to tell you a secret. Closer. Little closer.” *sticks tongue in their ear* 

Cass: “I’m sorry but I really don’t like you and I want you to stay outside of my house or maybe just be dead and burn in the darkest pits of hell please" 

Tim: *loses battery for the remote* "WHY WON’T GOD JUST FREAKING LET ME DIE I THINK I’VE EARNED IT BY NOW" 

Stephanie: *accidentally sets fire to counter* "You know, maybe you shouldn’t play with fire anymore” “Yeah, maybe-” *lights match* “-but not today" 

Damian: "You know once a kid dared me to stick up the middle finger in kindergarten and I did and the second I did it he called the teacher and she made me sit out recess that day and this is why I have trust issues" 


Bruce: "hOw DaRe YoU dIsReSpEct mE!!! i aM tHe KiNg Of tHiS LiViNg RoOm!!!" 


Superhero Aesthetics // Extended Batman Family

We may have began as the soldiers Batman built for his crusade. But we became something else, something he never expected. We started as an army. We chose to be a family. And if there’s hope for us… there’s hope for anyone.

Dick Grayson [x]

Barbara Gordon [x]

Tim Drake [x]


Okay, but Bart has totally and loudly at least once gone

“Hey, Tim - I mean Robin - can you give me a hand with this?”
“Hey, Dick - I mean Nightwing - when’s our next mission?”
“Hey, Barbara - I mean Oracle - I mean Batgirl - how’s it going?”
“Hey, where’s Jason - I mean Red Hood - I mean Robin?”
“Stephanie! I mean Spoiler - I mean Batgirl. … Robin? Nothing?”
“Hey, has Damian - I mean Robin - even been born yet?”

in front of the entire team.

I mean, just face it, with how familiar he was with Dick and Tim, he would totally forget, and just…. I mean, come on, the Batkids just do not have secret identities among their peers anymore. Luckily, everyone managed to keep it a secret from the adults, at least until Bart managed to screw up so colossally, not even the entire League could save him. How, you ask?

“Oh, hi, Bruce! I mean Batman.”

The Batfamily and what they steal

Dick: beds. Whenever he spends time in the Manor, he falls asleep in a different bed every night. Regardless of whether the room - or the bed - is occupied.

Jason: credit cards. He’s perpetually broke, so he snags Bruce’s credit cards whenever he comes by the house and then switches them out later. Bruce hasn’t noticed, but Alfred has.

Tim: phones. He doesn’t do it on purpose, he just suddenly needs to be online and forgets that the nearest phone isn’t actually his.

Stephanie: grappling hooks. She’s started a collection.

Cassandra: cookies. Whenever Jason stress-bakes, some of the cookies invariably go missing. Everyone knows it’s Cass but no one can prove it.

Damian: batmobiles. Boy loves driving, can you blame him?

Kate: Renee’s clothes. They don’t fit her at all, but then Renee has to walk around her apartment shirtless and Kate can’t argue with that view.

Luke: prototypes. He continually sneaks into the WayneTech R&D department to try out the newest toys, to the point where his father has given up and put him on the official payroll as a beta tester.

Terry: old batsuits. His excuse is that they’re lonely and need someone to take them out of the cave every once in a while.

Bruce: photos. He takes pictures of his kids when he thinks they’re not looking, and puts them up as his screensaver. Bruce is Good Dad™.