stephanie brown robin

Give me a live action Batman film that tries to be dark and gritty but gets ruined by the sassy and sarcastic comments and bad puns from all of his kids

Batfam as Tweets and Tumblr Shitposts™
  • Dick: Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
  • Steph: That was deep
  • Tim: Philosophy is wondering if that means ketchup is a smoothie
  • Steph: That was deeper
  • Jason: Common sense is knowing that ketchup isn't a damn smoothie YOU NASTY!
  • -------
  • Tim: What if trees cried because we started eating their fruit because their fruit is basically their babies. So every time we eat an apple or something, we're eating a tree baby
  • Damian: *Slowly backs away from the fruit bowl looking stricken*
  • Bruce: *Not looking up from his newspaper* we're eating their ovaries actually
  • --------
  • Jason: That feeling you get when you're angry
  • Dick: Anger
  • --------
  • Steph: Boys are so lucky to have boners to tell them when they're horny because girls are just like damn am I horny or am I hungry or am I bored I don't know I don't have a dick
  • --------
  • Jason: If I cut off my foot and like swing it at your head am I kicking or hitting you?
  • Tim: You'll most likely mentally scar me more than anything else
  • ---------
  • Dick: Carpe diem seize the day. Carpe noctem seize the night. Carpe natem seize the ass.
  • ---------
  • Jason: 80% exhaustion 10% sarcasm 20% don't care
  • Tim: That's 110%
  • Jason: 20% of me doesn't care
  • Tim: Should've seen that coming
  • ----------
  • Bruce: *Mary Poppins voice* okay children time to go
  • [Fifteen minutes later]
  • Bruce: *Batman voice* I said let's go
  • -----------
  • Alfred: Who ate all the cookies?
  • Dick: Ninjas
  • Alfred: I didn't see them
  • Dick: No one ever does
  • -----------
  • Bruce: *Calls up pizza place*
  • Bruce: WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVEN? IF YOU ARE TRYING TO TEAR MY FAMILY APART IT'S WORKING

Jason: We are gathered here today-

Dick: [sobs]

Jason: To honor the life-

Damian: And death

Dick: [sobs harder]

Jason: Of Blue, someone who meant much to us all. He was family. A victim of- uhh…

Dick: [sobs some more]

Damian: This is pathetic. I’m going to my room.

Tim: Don’t be so rude! This is a funeral!

Damian: For a fish

Jason: Shut up. Both of you. Steph, start the music again.

Steph: Sure thing, lover boy.

Jason: Blue was only 3 weeks old when he was tragically taken from us

Dick: [wails]

An average day at Wayne Manor

Bruce: *sitting and reading the newspaper* 

*suddenly hears a crash and some screaming from upstairs* 

*footsteps running back and forth on the ceiling*  

Dick: Bruuuuuuce!!!!

*another crash and some muffled grunting* 

Jason: Don’t listen to him, Bruce, everything is fine!!!

*some more muffled cursing and punches*

Damian: This is all your fault, Todd!!!

Tim: For the love of god, somebody put out the fire!!!!

*more running* 

Steph: I got it!!!

*the sounds of a pipe bursting* 

*more screaming and cursing* 

Dick: Bruuuce!!! Call the fire department!!!

Tim: Screw that, call the Justice League!!! Damian’s on fire!!!

*more screaming* 

Bruce: *takes a sip of tea* I hate my life

Things I associate the Batfam with:

Bruce: *internal screaming* and Adoption Papers

Alfred: The Sassy Eyebrow Raise™

Dick: Puns n’ Secret Sadness

Jason: yeET

Tim: Near Death Coffee Experience

Damian: Veggie Burgers and Massacre

Barbra: Under the Glasses Nose Pinch

Stephanie: 107% DONE

Cass: Doesn’t Deserve This Shit

Duke: *panicked screaming*

Harper: Really Really Loud Sighing

Kate: Squinty Glare

  • Dick: I can't do this by myself, I need adult supervision!
  • Bruce:
  • Alfred:
  • Jason:
  • Tim:
  • Damian:
  • Duke:
  • Barbara:
  • Stephanie:
  • Cassandra:
  • Kate:
  • Titus:
  • Literally everyone:
  • Dick:
  • Dick: Oh god
  • Dick: <b><i>I AM THE ADULT SUPERVISION</i></b>
Batdad Dadcanons

The first time Dick called Bruce Dad, Bruce practically melted, and enveloped his son in the largest hug he could.

The first time Jason called him Dad, it was after a fight, and they were already hugging. Bruce just smiled and wiped his nose.

The first time Tim called him Dad, Bruce cried, because this war of theirs had already cost Tim his real father and Bruce didn’t feel like an adequate replacement.

The first time Stephanie called him Dad, he got very confused. What do you mean, Stephanie, you have a father, he’s still around, but she just hugged him tight and said, no, he’s not my dad anymore. You are.

The first time Cassandra called him Dad, it was quiet, and subtle. The only acknowledgment was a nod of recognition on both sides.

The first time Damian called him Dad instead of Father, Bruce nearly had a heart attack. And immediately ran to grab a thermometer to make sure his son wasn’t sick.

The first time Duke called him Dad, it was a little hesitant. Bruce took him aside and explained to him, gently, that it was okay if he didn’t feel like a part of the family yet, he didn’t have to call Bruce Dad if he didn’t want to, but Bruce would always consider him his son. The second time Duke called him Dad came shortly after that, and Bruce cried.

The first time Terry called him Dad, Bruce asked him not to, because Warren McGinnis was the boy’s father for every purpose except genetically and Bruce didn’t want to take that away from him. Terry was secretly glad when Bruce explained this.

The first time Hal Jordan called him Dad, it was by accident in the middle of a firefight. Both of them stared at each other, and immediately agreed to never speak of it again.