Hey, here for another guide to making sure you have a good haul next time you want to do some lifting!
STEP ONE: pick a store
STEP TWO: pick out whatever you want
STEP THREE: check to see if there’s any employees around
STEP FOUR: make sure you have everything you want
STEP FIVE: bring it to the check-out line
STEP SIX: strike up casual conversation with employee
STEP SEVEN: actually fucking pay for your shit instead of shoplifting
STEP EIGHT: tell the employee to have a wonderful day
STEP NINE: leave the store with your wonderful new item(s)
STEP TEN: don’t shoplift in the future either since you could get employees in serious trouble or even fired
Always remember, if you think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with shoplifting and that it won’t cause any problems for employees, especially when it comes to stealing $1,000+ in goods from a store, you’re full of shit!
It’s years of hurt and healed over heartbreak before Jack Zimmermann sits Kent Parson down in a coffee shop in Providence the morning after a drag out game and makes amends.
They sit in silence with their coffee for longer than is comfortable before Jack musters up the courage to say, ‘Listen. So as a part of my program—you know—as a part of getting sober and staying sober, I’m supposed to make amends.’
Parse raises one meticulously groomed eyebrow. Jack pushes forward.
‘Basically I’m supposed to say I’m sorry to the people my addiction might have hurt, um, that I hurt and you don’t have to but I’m really hoping you’ll hear me out.’
‘Seems a little late for that,’ Parse says but he doesn’t sound unkind, just tired.
‘I know,’ Jack says. ‘It’s on the list.’ And honest to god pulls out a note pad.
Parse laughs because it’s funny and because if he doesn’t he’ll cry. Jack laughs too.
‘This is gonna be good for us,’ he says. ‘It’s time to get some closure.’ Kent nods.
‘There are a lot things. Some are big and some are small and they’re supposed to be about my addiction but I think we both know the hurt goes deeper than that so, um, here we go I guess.’ Jack clears his throat, then looks at Kent very purposefully.
He says, ‘I’m sorry I let you feel responsible for me. I knew then and I know now that you were doing the best you could to cope with a really messy situation, and I’m sorry I let you feel guilty when you couldn’t handle my mental health and addiction by yourself.’ Kent nods, lips tight
‘And I’m sorry I overdosed on what should have been one of the best days of both our lives. I mean I didn’t do it on purpose but that wasn’t how that day was supposed to go. The draft was supposed to be our triumph.’ Kent looks hard but Jack thinks he sees tears welling up in the corner of his eyes. Maybe he should stop, but he’s gone this far. He deserves to hear this, Jack thinks, and presses on. ‘I’m sorry I told you you couldn’t come out because I was scared of the rumors. I’m still scared but you deserve to come out if you’re ready.’
Kent is actually crying now, silently but visibly all the same, tears rolling down the pink of his cheeks.
‘I’m sorry for every time I kissed you, and kissed you back, and you know, did more than that, when I wasn’t ready to deal with it and I’m sorry I always ran away or snuck away afterwards. I’m sorry I used to call you at 3 am and leave you weird voicemails. I should have just told you I missed you.’ Kent gives him a shaky smile.
‘I’m sorry I shut you out of my life for years without warning or explanation. I thought I needed to leave you behind to heal. I guess we’ll never know if I was right but it was unfair all the same. I wish I had told you why.’ Kent nods, but doesn’t say anything. ‘I’m sorry I used to hide pills in your bag without telling you. That was fucked up. A lot of things were fucked up. I’m sorry I was mad at you for winning the Stanley Cup with out me—showing up unannounced was kind of rude but I was vicious about it because I was jealous and because it confirmed all the moments I ever thought maybe my dad wished he’d gotten you instead. I’m sorry I got mad when my dad was nice to you—god I was so scared he didn’t want me.’ He looks back up at Kenny who’s finally stopped crying, and braces himself to finish making amends.
‘I’m sorry I never told you I loved you. I swear to you Kenny I did. I wasn’t very good at it but I loved you so much. I’m sorry I never told you that I loved you and I’m sorry that later I told you I never had. I really wanted that to be true at the time. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you all these things earlier. I was scared of seeing you and getting caught up in all our old shit. I was scared.’
Kent looks at Jack for a long time. ‘’I’m sorry, too,’ he says. ‘Are you really cool if I come out? Cause I’d like to, Zimms. I’d really like to.’
[Does anyone else think it’s ridiculous that in Day of Honor, B'Elanna’s suit is really big and bulky, but in One Small Step, Seven’s suit is tight from her waist down and curvy on top? I mean, come on! How are we supposed to consider that practical?]
Two hundred and twenty one b is my original sanctum sanctorum. It is the only aspect of my life in London I truly missed…two hundred and twenty one b is a good deal more than nice Watson. I spent the better part of ten years transforming it into a virtual womb of creativity, stepping inside it is not unlike stepping inside my very own brain. You will no doubt see things that will confuse or even upset you, odd experiments, texts in dead languages, trophies from old cases.
Fair Warning!!! Only use this spell if someone has truly done you wrong and caused you much pain.
To cast this spell write the person’s name on a 3″ x3″ piece of paper with a black marker or pen. Also have a piece of black yarn.
Concentrate on that person. Now draw 3 X’s on that person’s name.
Next fold the paper three times and take the black yarn and tie the paper with it. Raise it above your head and whisper the words below three times:
“Starting now I will
be protected from you,
This magic spell I will do,
With this spell I shall bind thee,
From now on you will let me be,
I as of now am protected from your harm,
I seal this hex with my charm.
It is you that will suffer and cry out in pain
It is you that will suffer and write in pain”.
Now drop the paper to the ground and using your right shoe step on the paper nine times As you slam it the ninth time say…
“From this moment pain you shall feel
I have spoken these words,
words that are real
I have spoken these words and
so mote it be!”
if any straight person wants to ask invasive questions about my sexuality, they must climb the steepest of the hidden mountains, trek the sacred nine thousand steps and place an offering upon an altar. then they say the words “i’m an idiot" and based on how good their offering is, i will decide whether i want to kick in them in the shin or toss them off the cliffside