When you think of Henry VIII, you probably picture Dom DeLuise in a dress. It’s a fair picture.
Turkey drumstick in one hand, lady parts in the other – that’s how we like our H8. But Henry didn’t start out as a house-shaped humping machine. Before he lost the battle with tautness, Henry was as athletic and handsome as an NBA pool party. He wasn’t just a monarch sitting on a throne; he ruled jousting tournaments and tennis courts and won Mr. Sexy Legs of 1525. Yet none of those endeavors explain this incredible … thing.
Sometime around 1511, the Holy Roman Emperor commissioned master armor craftsman Konrad Seusenhofer to create this steampunk amalgamation of fear and awesome as a gift for young King Henry. This is real. You are not dreaming. King Henry VIII once wore the mask above in all seriousness, probably at court pageants and as a way to shock a male heir out of his wife’s womb. It eventually worked. Probably because of those baby tombstones posing as teeth.
Dmitri, Make me summadem brass nails. They be fucking awesome.
YOU WANT SUMMADEM BRASS NAILS?
You mean thesebrass nails right here?
You think you got the chutzpah to wield the might of a hundred steampunk serial killers distilled down into ten sharp-hooked talons? (Yes, ten killes per claw. We made sure. No, you don’t want to know how.)