Jack woke up at 5:37 A.M drowning in his own sweat. He bolted upright, spluttering out his own saliva, (eurgh what the fuck) suppressing his urge TO SCREAM HIS LUNGS OUT.
Jack just had the most terrifying nightmare since… the accident. Now what exactly ‘the accident’ was, nobody was really sure. And nobody really talked about it either. Which is a shame because apparently it was bloody hilarious. Oh Well.
Ok so where were we? Oh yeah, I’ll cut to the chase to save you from the boring (AND VERY DISTURBING) details. (see i’m not completely heartless)
JACK HAS HAD ENOUGH OF HIDING IN THE TOUR BUS TOILET. HE HAS HAD IT WITH HIS COWARDLY WAYS. HE IS GOING TO GO OUTSIDE AND HAVE FUN! GO FOR A WALK, SMELL FLOWERS AND FRESHLY CUT GRASS. TALK TO REAL PEOPLE NOT HIS (quite frankly very attractive) PHOTOGRAPH OF ED. JACK IS BETTER THAN ED NASH. JACK WILL SURVIVE WITHOUT ED. HE CAN DO THIS. JACK IS FACING THE WORLD TODAY. HE IS LEAVING THE BATHROOM (and the ungodly stench that constantly wafts around the toilet bowl, thank macchrist)
Jack stood up, his legs quaking. His breathing loud and ankles giving way like a baby giraffe on ice.
But minus the scarf. And the ice skates, that defeats the purpose. And the smile, I don’t know about you but i’d be shitting myself if i were a giraffe on ice. Actually minus everything, that wasn’t a very good picture, or simile for that matter, but you get the picture.
Jack fell forward into the door and pushed down the handle. He edged through, a hop at a time, thud creak thud creeeak thud creeeeeakkk
Jack squinted slightly, staggering towards the sunlight. He couldn’t hear anything apart from birds chirping outside.
“Phew, no-one’s in I m- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT IS THAT”
Jack had caught a glimpse of his own reflection in the window.
mother of god.
After a few minutes of projectile vomiting, Jack wiped his mouth, hitched up his corduroy trousers (yes it was that bad), stepped into the doorway or the bus, took a deeeeep breath and
L E A P E D!
And with that giant leap, ALL OF JACK’S WORRIES DISAPPEARED (alongside his clothes, beard, shaggy hair, red eyes and oily skin, and were replaced with breasts and womens’ clothes. Not bad.)