starved myself

anonymous asked:

And it makes me go crazy... I feel like I was faking it the whole time, even tho I had mental breakdowns over my weight, cried so much about it, starved myself, obsessed over calories and the scale but since I seem to be getting better so quickly now I feel so fake and like a fraud and that I don't deserve the support I'm getting bc if I'm getting better so fast I can't have been sick at all... idk I'm sorry for rambling I just needed to get this out idk (2/2)

You are so not alone.

When I started recovery, I started feeling better about food almost two to three weeks in and- I’m not going to lie- I did question my disorder too. I saw people around me coming into inpatient feeling terrible even after being there for over two months.

However, even now when I feel completely okay around food, I can have moments when my disordered thoughts pop back in for a visit, but I’ve learnt to get over them, like “I’m not fat and I’m gonna eat the damn chips anyway Deborah” if you get what I mean.

You are not a fraud. Remember, eating disorders aren’t about your weight, their mental illnesses. The fact that you stress, calorie count and have fear foods show that you still have your disordered thoughts there, even if they aren’t constant. Think of the lack of restriction as progress rather than failure- that is amazing, however far you are into your recovery.

And remember, recovery isn’t linear. Some people make slow progress with recovery, some do it faster. You and I probably fall into the “faster” category but that doesn’t make us any less valid than those who are really struggling. here is no such thing as “recovering too fast”- that’s your pace, and that’s okay.

If you have any other worries or you just need someone I’m always here for a chat, whether that’s via ask or message. Stay strong and keep going.

The signs as 'History of the entire world' memes

Aries: Fuck It, time to plant some grass.
Taurus: Nope, can’t walk yet. And there’s no food yet, so I don’t care.
Gemini: Hey Christians! Do you sin? Now you can buy your way out of Hell!
Cancer: Hi, I’m Gandhi, and if Britain doesn’t get the hell out of India I’m going to starve myself in public.
Leo: I want to invent time and space. And I know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.
Virgo: FIGHT- wait no, that would be the end of the world. Let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.
Libra: China is Whole Again… then it Broke Again…
Scorpio: Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you 500 elephants? Ok thanks bye
Sagittarius: That’s bullshit. This whole thing is bullshit. That’s a scam. Fuck the church. Here’s 95 reasons why
Capricorn: The Soviet Union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
Aquarius: Well, blame something on them and go to war!
Pisces: wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?

I can't stand sentences like these:

“Where did you get those scars from?”
“What happened to your arms?”
“How are you?”
“Did your cat scratch you?”
“Don’t be a drama queen.”
“You’re a crybaby. You cry without a reason.” (People who say this have literally NO F*CKING CLUE WHAT ON EARTH I’M GOING THROUGH!)
“Just eat! It’s not hard.”
“You’re not fat.” (I really like answering “But I’m not skinny either, right?” to this one)
“Being happy is a choice.”
“Is everything alright?”
“You think you have a problem? I do too. I forgot a home-exercise and my teacher is going to kill me because of it.” (Wow. That’s a big problem compared to mine.)
“Why are you wearing long sleeves? It’s so hot.”

concept: it’s early in the morning and you’re soundly sleeping still. i head into the kitchen to make you your favorite breakfast, smiling at the thought of your sleepy morning voice

if you feel a binge coming on, hold a tablespoon's worth of hot sauce in your mouth for 60 seconds.

your mouth will hurt so badly afterwards, you won’t be thinking about stuffing it full of food.

I'm fucked up

I don’t care about my health anymore. I don’t care about having no energy. All that matters to me is getting skinny. I feel like a fat worthless piece of shit every day and no one in my life knows. I’m scared of what will happen because I’m so far deep into this. Yet I don’t believe I have a problem and deny it all. Skinny girls don’t eat consumes my head all day. I’m convinced losing the weight will make me happy. I reached my ultimate goal weight that I had six months ago and it wasn’t good enough. I’m addicted to this and I crave the hunger pains and seeing more bones. I don’t encourage this or wish it on anyone. Sorry if my account triggers anyone.