So I’m considering moving cross country

Not only that, I’m considering moving cross country with no job waiting for me and no money other than what I could raise through a GoFundMe or something like that. Which is crazy. People don’t just do that anymore if they’re smart. Normal people get a job, save some money, and then move when they have experience and can get a job. But for me, I fear that I would get too comfortable. I’ve been comfortable my whole life, and now for some reason I want to do something really stupid. I want to do something for me and for no one else. Does that make me a selfish, entitled bitch? Probably. Do I care? A little, but I feel like if I’m going to make this decision, now is the time of my life to do it.

"Thank you Lord for your faithfulness and strength!"

Says the woman who cheated on my uncle for a year before he found out and filed for divorce. If I had any less self control I’d reply with “two things He apparently didn’t pass on to you.” Unfriend.

It’s circumstances like these that bring me to not believe in love. I realize that it is work, but it seems like no one is willing to make the effort. Life is easier without all that messiness. Hard to be such a cynic when I’m only 21. I yearn for that connection that I don’t believe in.

On the anniversary of our break up, my ex-boyfriend and I sat down for coffee. Not for long. Less than 45 minutes. But we sat down and had coffee. Just the two of us (well, mostly). It was nice. We didn’t flee the room at each other’s presence. We didn’t argue. We just talked. He did most of the talking, but I figured that would happen.

Needless to say, it was nice to catch up. We used to be great friends; we knew so much about the other person. I hate the idea that people like that can become strangers, though with our impending graduation, that will probably happen anyways. But the fact of the matter is that we tried. We acted like adults.

It is not a crime to lose interest in someone. I had a hard enough time admitting it to someone I met and went out with a few times, to the point that we just stopped seeing each other with no formal cut off. I won’t go so far to say that it’s brave to be the “dumper” but I see the difficulty in it. I know that he and I can never get back together, and that’s okay. It’s nice enough to know that we can talk.


I started thinking last night about why moving to Seattle is so important to me and why the idea of failing in that goal would be so devastating, and I realized that it is the first dream that no one else made for me. My mom recommended that I do nursing. I had to fight a bit for my school but that was still one of my limited options that my dad set for me.

No one wanted me to move to Seattle. It’s too far from my family. I couldn’t just come home when I wanted, and my family couldn’t see me. I would be completely alone in a new city. That city was one that I chose for me, something I have to defend every time I inform someone of my choice. If I don’t achieve that, most of my other options are avenues that my family likes. 

That’s why Seattle is important to me. I’m going west for the same reasons the pioneers did: to start a fresh new life in somewhere prosperous. To chase a dream. And I’m not prepared to let that go.

So I work in an operating room and my brother texts me.
  • Him:Hey
  • Me:What's up?
  • Him:J chillin. How bout you?
  • Me:In surgery :p
  • Him:No way. What kind of surgery?
  • -I think for a couple of moments how to respond in words that a layman would understand-
  • Me:Penis surgery
  • Him:Shut up are you serious
  • Me:I shit you not
Deep down honest goals for the next year
  • Save more money
  • Be a healthier person physically
  • Work more to sort through my emotional problems
  • Become a better student
  • Have better sex
  • Be happier with my life and where I’m going with it

anonymous asked:

what is the meaning behind your url?

I was a drum major in high school. One year I went to a drum major academy to better myself. The leader of the academy did lectures, and one of the things he said was “Starred Thought” which meant that he was about to say something very important and it should be remembered. At the time, I thought he was saying “start thought.” I’m glad I cleared that up!

Back in Time

So I looked through my Moleskine journal today which is basically an art/scrap journal. And it goes back to before I even started school. It shows everything from days out with family and friends to my emotions. One thing that it shows is the progression of relationships, specifically romantic relationships with boys.

My first boyfriend was a boy I met at church camp. During Christmas break, freshman year, we started talking again, and by January 4th, we became an item. It was a long distance relationship. I relied a lot on his words, and he was a charmer. “I want nothing more in the world right now than to embrace you.” “Every time I think of us or remember you, I sigh and smile. I keep getting weird looks from my friends.” He was suave, and knew what to say to make a girl like me melt like putty in his hands. He was my first kiss. Our relationship lasted essentially 3 months before he stopped speaking to me without explanation and then broke up with me the day before my anatomy final. His friend later told me it was because I wouldn’t sleep with him. Looking over things, I feel like that’s the reason I get scared that people like me before I like them.

As the relationship progressed, phrases like the ones above began to be replaced by things like “Am I still that ‘rare person’? Please just tell me…” or “The only heartbeat I hear and feel is mine.” It breaks my heart because I feel for that. I got too into it. I made myself vulnerable. I did that again with my second relationship, though it lasted longer and I pursued him. There were similarities between the two that frightened me. Afterward, I vowed that I wouldn’t be that vulnerable again.

Now I am a hardened shell. I become vulnerable and I hate myself for being so. I use sarcasm and bitterness as a protection against love that could be used to hurt me. I am a nurse with no feeling.

Sad that this comes up on Christmas, but the holiday is so strange now it doesn’t seem to matter.

Last night...I had a dream

There is one part that I remember. I was in a normal room and there was music. Alex was sitting on a couch in his suit, alone. I decided to take a seat next to him and we started talking. I can’t remember what we started talking about. I was tired, and eventually I asked him if I could put my head on his shoulder. He let me. We continued talking. A girl friend of his came over, but promptly left. I remember feeling at peace.

And now I want to call that kid for coffee or something. I just don’t know how well that would go, especially in this stressful time of the school year.

Devon's Profound Thought of the Day

Kitten Comas: when you slip under you get very young kittens put on you and then the age of the kittens when you wake up tells you how long you were under. I feel like you would want to wake up faster so you don’t get stuck with a full grown cat

I think I figured it out

I have a problem where when people are talking around me and everyone seems to understand except for me, I feel stupid, even when it’s information I have no reason to really know (such as computer programming). It makes me feel like I have nothing to offer and nothing to talk about.

HOWEVER, I have interests too. I’m here at school learning stuff like everyone else, BUT I’m a nurse. My days deal with dying and sick people. I want to go into the OR because for some reason it gives me a rush. Very few people want to hear about my experiences. Few people find relevance in what I’m talking about, or want to hear about the patient I saw get cut open today. This is what gives me a buzz but it repels other people. The only people I feel that want to hear about it are other nurses, and if you are anyone else, they would rather me be silent.

And that makes things really difficult.

drunkfeferi asked:

3, 5, 7, 9! C:

3. Three Fears: Failure, disappointing others, ending up alone.

5. Four turn ons: Well tailored suits, rolled up sleeves, ambition (though not the arrogant kind), ear kisses

7. My best friend: Alex and Kinsey, those two keep me sane

9: My best first date: My first date with Alex, or what I consider our first date, was awesome. We both had a day after particularly bad finals and he came over to my sorority house and we went on a walk. It was 12.12.12 and yet warm enough to get away with a hoodie. We went to Little Italy and went to the bakery and then to the park where we would always meet after dark because it’s about halfway between our houses. Then we decided to just walk around and we ended up downtown where we dicked around Tower City even though we were both too broke to buy anything. On our way out there were Christmas lights and I loooove Christmas lights. Then we ran for the bus like it was a damn movie and caught it back to campus where we went to the Jolly Scholar. He sat on the same side of the booth as me (which is something I’m not used to) and got all cuddley (which even though he’d kissed me before, was new for him). I got something that upset my stomach and it was especially bad because I hadn’t been able to eat much because of all this life stuff happening and making me nervous. So he walked me home and I had to send him back because I felt so terrible but it will always go down at the best thing

Weird feelings

“Oh, no. you don’t dare. Girl, girl, girl, I’m warning you! No!
I think I have a crush. I can’t. I think I’m falling for him.

Oh, no”

So I’ve had a bit of a crush on this guy for a while now. It hit me in the chest the day of the World Cup final, drifted off, and then came back with vengeance, but it’s not like a crush I’ve had before. Like there are moments of like “oh my god I just want to kiss you” and all that jazz but mostly it’s like “god you’re such a stellar individual and I’m so thankful to have you in my life in any capacity” and I’m pretty sure it’s one of the healthiest relationships I’ve ever been in. Like, I drunkenly told him that I liked him and we went on the next day like nothing had happened and we can still read the Cosmo together and I can tell him anything and it’s the greatest. I just wish I could see him in person more often. 

I need more people in my life like him.

anonymous asked:

4: Something that never fails to make you horny... 5: Where is one place you would never have sex?

4. My leanings toward the well tailored suit stand here as well

5. I’ve also answered this question before as well. Probably my parent’s house though

Okay, so I didn’t have a panic attack last night even though I was in the same room as my ex for about 4 hours, which is super stellar considering the last two times I so much THOUGHT I saw him I started hyperventilating.

In fact, I had a really fucking great time.

Right before my car left, I went outside to get some paper towels to get some sweat out of my fringe and I saw him sitting alone, so I just went over and started talking to him. “How’s life?” I ask.

He proceeds to go on about everything in his life that is even marginally sucky, like how the GRE doesn’t like apostrophe’s on their forms and his last name is Irish, or how his classes are all harder than he thought, or that he had a fever for a good week about 3 weeks into school but his professors won’t let anyone miss class. At one point I just got up and walked away. At the time I felt great for having control of my own situation.

And then I got to thinking: how many people has he told that to? I have no idea. He could complain to everyone. Or it could just be me. I don’t know. I just know that he doesn’t want help, but it seems like he could use it. 

I don’t want to get back with him, that much I know. I’m starting to really realize how much happier I am without him. But a microscopic part of me still seems to worry about him.

And that microscopic part of me can suck my dick because he does not give a flying fuck about my well-being. And I don’t need him to.