starbuck's secret menu

i know most of y'all wouldn’t pull this but like if u go to starbucks and ask for “"secret menu”“ drinks please remember to bring the recipe for the drink. if u come up to the counter and order , like, a Tinkerbell Frappuccino, no one is gonna know what ur talking about.

the ”“secret menu”“ isn’t a real menu, it’s drinks that ppl came up with and spread on the internet. we’re not hiding a menu from you

Holy heaven above ! ! ! This tea is called the “medicine ball” aka a creation on the “secret” Starbucks menu! If you have a sore throat/cold I HIGHLY recommend; this was exactly what Josh & I needed after feeling crappy all week 🙌🏻☕️

The “medicine ball” contains:
1 jade citrus mint tea bag
1 peach tranquility tea bag
½ water ½ steamed lemonade
+ honey!

5 Starbucks Drinks You Didn't Know Existed!

1. The “Secret Menu” Shitlord

How to order this drink: Approach your barista with your chest puffed out like a confident, caffeinated middle-class peacock. Say “I’d like a snickerdoodle cookie dough ferrero rocher macchiatoccino. Quaranta-grande size, please. Easy on the low-fat foam.” When the barista begins, with a pained expression on their face, to try and understand what drink you want - be enraged! They KNOW about the secret menu and its number 1 drink, The Quarante-Grande Snickerdoodle Cookie Dough Ferrerro Rocher Machiotoccino, better known by its simplistic moniker QuaraGraSnickerCookieFerRocherMaCiCino. It may take you twenty minutes and a considerable amount of cash to get this holy grail of SBUX beverages, but you won’t be disappointed at the taste. Don’t be fooled by anyone who takes a sip and says it’s just a liquidy mocha caramel frappuccino - their taste buds are destroyed by ordering from the normy menu.

2. The Roughin’ It Cowboy Style

Ask for a tall black coffee. Don’t even specify which blend they should use. Just a tall, black coffee. They’ll hand you a cup filled with this black liquid that may be foreign to you. It’s bitterness may shock and appall you. It will be like nothing you’ve ever tasted before. What is this strange beverage? They serve something like this at Starbucks, of all places? And did the barista just say TWO dollars? Does money even come in denominations that small anymore? This drink is the true enigma of all drinks.

3. The Transmogrificcino

Enter your local Starbucks and ask for a cup of water for your very thirsty dog waiting outside. This drink order does not require you have an actual dog, just say that you do. They will give you a free cup of water in the classic Starbucks Original cup. Take this cup outside. Secretly dump the water out onto the street (or drink it, if you’re a rebel). Take the cup to your home. Pour some of your lowly homebrewed coffee into the Godly cup. Make your coffee the way you would normally take it in a Starbucks establishment. Sip the coffee - lo and behold! The cup has transmogrified your coffee into coffee that tastes like Starbucks coffee! You know this coffee is better than your regular coffee because it comes in a Starbucks orignal plastic cup. Walk about town with your renewed, rebirthed magic coffee and everyone will know that you have a TRUE coffee in that cup, not some cheapo homemade shabby drip press. 

4. The Cadbury Creme Egg Latte

With a Cadbury Creme Egg in hand, order a caramel latte from your charming barista. Sit down at a wonderfully designed Starbucks Original Table, unwrap your creme egg, and drop it directly into the latte. Slug that puppy back with Gusto knowing you have outwitted the average customer who is unaware of how easy it is to order a magnificent Cadbury Creme Egg Latte. You have won. You are a God.

5. The Non-fat Doppio Cuil-o Theory

Walk up to your hamburger. They hand you a barista. You eat the barista. A pickle shifts uneasily under the bun. They hand you a coffee.

You drink the hamburger. Why are we speaking German?

Frappuccinos for the signs

Aries: Chai Crème

Taurus: Red Velvet

Gemini: Butterbeer

Cancer: Birthday Cake

Leo: Cookie Dough

Virgo: Green Tea

Libra: Cinnamon Roll

Scorpio: Midnight Mint Mocha

Sagittarius: S’mores

Capricorn: Lemon Bar Crème

Aquarius: Oreo

Pisces: Unicorn

A woman comes into my store with her husband and 2 or 3 kids. 
She asks me, “Can you do the Skittles frappuccino?”
“I don’t know the recipe for that one. If you have the recipe I can make it.” I tell her.
“What about the Willy Wonka frappuccino?” 
*resists the urge to give her my “are you fucking kidding me” face* “Do. You. Have. The. Recipe.?”
“No–”
“Then no. We aren’t trained to know the secret menu drinks.”
She ended up ordering cotton candy frappuccinos, which is the only secret menu recipe that I DO know by heart.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: If you try to order off the “secret menu” and don’t have the recipe, don’t expect me to know it. Baristas are not trained to memorize the thousands of made-up recipes people come up with and post to pinterest. 

Dangerous Woman Tour Sacramento Soundcheck Highlights

Outfit: Ariana was wearing her yellow “Pizza rolls not gender roles” sweatshirt and had her hair in a short ponytail.

- Ariana said it feels way longer than 4 years of The Way and after a fan yelled, “It feels like 40!”, she laughed and said, “I was gonna say more like 10.”

- Someone asked if Ariana could do a livestream and tease new music but she said she isn’t ready yet, because she has a big surprise with this album and that it is something she has never done before, which is why she is taking her time with it.

- Ariana said she would never order the Starbucks secret menu drink that is named after her

- A fan yelled, “Toulouse let’s see your wink!” and Ariana said, “He’s so confused, he can’t understand you. He’s only a dog!”

- She said her favorite Sam & Cat episode is the ATM one because Cat breaks the law

- When a fan was shocked that Ari answered her question, Ari laughed with her crew, “Did your soul leave your body?”

- A fan yelled, “Justice for Focus!!” and Scott said, “Yeah!” and all the dancers laughed.

- The dancers said it was the loudest soundcheck they have ever had.

- Jones Crow was at Soundcheck.

[and now for a few non-soundcheck moments]

- During M&G, a fan told her to “belt her dick off” and instead of laughing like they expected, she just said “I don’t have one but okay,” so they responded, “Oh my god, I fucked it up I’m sorry,” and she said, “Nah you’re good,” and then the fan had to leave so the next person could go. Afterwards, that fan talked to Joan because they were so upset and Joan hugged them and said “Honey, I’m her mother. Believe me that she thought it was funny. She was just replying like that because that’s how she is with her sense of humor,” and then hugged them again and told them to stop crying.

- A fan mentioned during M&G that they had tweeted at her saying they would love to see a DWT rehearsal and she said “Oh my gosh that’s right! That was you? I wish we could have done something like that. Maybe in the future!”

- Joan told a fan that she doesn’t let Ariana look at Twitter sometimes because some people are so mean and it really affects Ariana even though she tries not to pay attention to it

Today at work some dudebro tried to quiz me about how to make a drink. At Starbucks. I am a fully qualified barista. At Starbucks. In fact I’m so qualified that I train OTHER people to be qualified baristas. And this guy, this neckbeard asshole, wearing a walking dead t-shirt has the AUDACITY to come into my store, my dojo, order a ‘tuxedo mocha’ and ask me to tell him ‘how i think it’s made’. And then, AND THEN, has the nerve to tell me that he’s, and I quote, ‘surprised you know what it is, most baristas don’t know the secret menu’ !!!???!!!!!? Like, listen here Ezekiel, you come into my cafe, my coffee kingdom, and insult my expansive coffee knowledge because you think no one knows what your basic ass half white mocha half regular mocha princess drink is? Like I’m some fake gamer girl but with coffee??? Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.

Secret Menu Fuckery

Gather round children, for I am about to drop some goddamn knowledge.

I am a Starbucks Barista. I toil around a espresso machine the size of a fucking car, I go into battle with temperamental blenders and customers alike, I burn my self and cut myself daily, all so I can deliver you delicious handcrafted beverages.

Let’s start by saying this - I love my job. I love you customers. I love the smell of freshly poured espresso shots and green tea frappachinos. I love the distressing hiss of an empty whipped cream can, the sticky chai and mocha I wear like scars, the wobble of milk foam, the dinky cups, the coffee grinder, the slow registers and gold cards.  I love it all.

But if there’s one thing I hate, it’s the fucking Secret Menu.

Let’s start with this: despite the website having the name Starbucks in the URL, Starbucks wants nothing to do with this bullshit. In fact, they don’t even recognize it as having anything to do with Starbucks. Because it’s not. To them, it doesn’t exist. The drinks on the ‘secret’ menu are sugar-infused diabetic fucking nightmares that cost approximately 8-fucking-dollars and have the calorie count of a whole Thanksgiving Dinner.

Stop, just stop. 

I don’t know who you think you are when you walk up to my register and have the nerve to order a goddamn Ferrero Rocher Frappachino. The conversation will sound something like this:

Customer: Hi, can I please get a Ven-tayyy Ferrero Rocher Frappe?
Me: Yeah, sure. Can I see the recipe?
Customer: -uncomfortable laugh- It’s on the -shifty eyes- secret menu.
Me: I understand that! It’s not a menu we actually have access to, so if you ever want to get a secret menu drink, we need you to bring in a recipe from the website. We don’t have any way of knowing them.
Customer: -loud sigh- Fiiiiiiine. In THAT case, can I get a Pumpkin Spice Frappe with extra caramel drizzle and java chips?
Me: Of course. That will be 300 dollars. 

Jokes aside, if you absolutely cannot resist the tempting lure of a Smores frappachino, fucking fine. I don’t give a shit if your goal is to be instagram-famous and 700 pounds. 
This is pretty much everything you need to know about these things.

  • We’ll start with ordering. You will start by ordering it by name, a glimmer of hope in your eyes. If you’re lucky, it might be one we already know. YES, I said that we don’t know them, but there are some that are so common, it’s easy to pick them up. The Cotton Candy is the most universal one, and the easiest. My coworkers and I have a conglomerate of combined secret-menu knowledge, but it isn’t a magical dictionary you can crack open. How many pumps of Toffee Nut does a Capn Crunch Frap get - fuck if I know.
  • We will tell you we need a recipe. Never fear, you pinned this baby on your recipe board in a fit of period-induced cravings at about 1 in the morning three weeks ago. You take out your phone, you are madly trying you find it. There’s a line, and not only do I think you’re an asshole, so does everyone else. A woman three people behind you just wants her grande Pikes with room - is anything easy?
  • AHA. The Raspberry Caramel Cheesecake Bites Frappachino is now just on the horizon. You read the recipe out loud.
    • I add all of the extra syrup and various ingredients to the tally. The price goes up. You look annoyed. Good, now we’re on the same fucking page. You want 4 dollars of extra syrup in your frap, you can pay for it.
    I wince at every extra pump and hope you don’t throw up from the sugar intake inside the store, where we would be responsible for it.
  • Frappachinos (and most Starbucks Specialty Beverages) already have a shitton of calories in them. Each secret drink is an original drink with extra flavoring. On it’s own, The Double Chocolatey Chip in a Venti clocks in at about 700 calories. The sugar count is in a Caffe Vanilla Frappachino is 83 grams of sugar. That’s about 20 teaspoons. Yep, 20 teaspoons. Go measure that out in your kitchen. I’ll wait.
    I get that these aren’t health foods. I get that everyone should get a drink once in a while - Frappachinos are excellent treats, and I won’t judge you for getting them - EVER. However, expect some hard core judging if you want a Secret Menu Frap.
  • So take this already sugar-calorie fest and add about 6 extra pumps of sugar or other ingredients. You just added a good 300 calories to your disgusting concoction. Way to go. 
  • On to the next step, I set it on my bar. The side of the cup is blackened with a paragraph of extra ingredients. The person working cold-bar gives me a woeful look. That’s right, we’ve all been there. 
  • Frappachinos already take a fucking century to make, and now here’s one with 30 extra steps and ingredients. Fucking fantastic.
  • We do everything except for adding our own lock of hair into your potion.  10 minutes later, after the smoke clears from our overworked blender and your drink is bubbling within it, our job is done. It is a fucking mess. It smells like pure sugar. 
  • You smile, your eyes dazed as the phone materializes in your hand. You will capture this moment, share it with the world. “My name is Stacy and I think I’ll be a size 2 and 13 for the rest of my life.” Not at this fucking rate, Stacy.
  • You take a sip. Huh. Not as good as you were hoping. Now, Stacy, was that worth 7 dollars?

In conclusion, stop. 

If you know what is in the secret menu drink you just ordered, I will make it for you.

If you do not know what is in the secret menu drink you just ordered, I will not make it for you, because I don’t know what’s in it either.

And if my store, like the rest of the stores ACROSS THIS COUNTRY, does not carry the syrup that goes in the secret menu drink you ordered, I will definitely not make it for you.

No matter how much you glare at me when I say no.

I literally can’t even go near the comments on any starbucks facebook page without getting pissed off at all the idiots that comment shit like “the employees at my starbucks told me they don’t make the oreo frappuccino!” or “i went to starbucks and they lied to me and told me they didn’t know how to make a captain crunch frappuccino i am so mad!!” or “I SAW A PICTURE ONLINE OF A HARRY POTTER BUTTERBEER FRAPPUCCINO WHY DID YOUR INCOMPETENT BARISTAS REFUSE TO MAKE IT FOR ME”

Then when they finally do find out that the secret menu is bullshit and has nothing to actually do with starbucks and learn how to order the drinks and what syrups and toppings to ask for, they sit there with looks of horror on their faces and get all bitchy as the price goes up like they thought they were going to get an ungodly amount of extra fat and sugar free of charge

I fucking hate people and their stupidity especially the ones who look at me like I’m stupid when I say I don’t know how to make a triple chocolate cheesecake frappuccino

Also why the fuck do people randomly ask for pumpkin or peppermint flavoured drinks in the middle of the summer like go fuck yourselves

Blue Sharpie - (chapter 2)

In which Craig’s music is too loud and Tyler is a slut for fruity coolers.

It was two weeks before Craig saw Tyler again.

June had faded into July, bringing with it a sweltering summer heat wave. Customers had begun to frequent the Starbucks so much that Craig had been asked to pick up an extra few Saturday shifts for the month, dealing with new sweet summery drinks, hot late night coffees, and even hotter girls.

Craig had soon come to hate the summertime.

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