star trek

Since this new Trek show is going to follow up with Picard ~20 years after his last onscreen appearance, I have decided that the only thing I want as Picard’s post-TNG canon is a Trek version of “Murder, She Wrote.” 

Like, Picard is retired in an idyllic French village, spending his time crocheting and organizing bunco groups, and every time someone new shows up in the town, they end up dead in the vineyard. Naturally Picard has to Poirot it up, and the climax of each episode happens in his living room, with everyone sitting in his doily-covered armchairs so he can monologue about who the murderer is. 

Have you seen that space movie?

You know, the one where Chris plays the reckless, cocky leader who grew up without a dad

And Zoe Saldana is the smart, sassy badass

There’s that one alien whose family was murdered by the villain–he takes things too literally, and you don’t want to piss him off!

Then there’s the fast talking smartass and his quiet alien buddy

Don’t forget about the villain who has black markings on his face

He has this really powerful material that can bring great destruction (but it’s okay, the good guys get control of it in the end)


Oh, and there’s also a sequel where the good guys are saved from an overwhelming force by a mysterious, powerful man who is older than he looks and probably can’t be trusted… or can he? No, wait, no no no, definitely not!!!

His only weakness is forced sleep

Also the mentor dies :’(

starfleet uniforms rated by me, a lesbian*

(*abandon hope all ye who enter here)

the cage

the color scheme is pitiful and the collars on the uniform shirts make me uncomfortable but they look so soft n cozy that i just can’t resist. comfort - 1, aesthetic - 0. 5/10.

tos

now THAT’S more like it! the eye-watering primary colors that clash horribly with the set??? the enormous glittery division badges sewn on the breast??? the fantastically impractical high-heeled boots??? absolutely fucking superb. also tos had the fatshirt and you can’t top that 10/10.

tng

they kept the black/primary color block contrast and the black paneling has a flattering effect on bodies of all shapes and sizes, which is a plus. someone clearly put time and effort into designing these. the v-neck collar is unfortunate though. 8/10.

ds9

not even its place in my heart as my favorite star trek can save these horrifying crimes against fashion and humanity. the gray fabric paneling on the jackets clashes hideously with the black. the turtleneck undershirts are cute but they’re mostly obscured by the aforementioned monstrosity. the original designs were better, which makes this whole thing doubly depressing, but still. what the fuck is that little slit down the front??? it doesn’t even button up. the station has a resident tailor so there’s really no excuse 0/10.

voy

these are the same as the original ds9 uniforms; the only major difference between them and the gray flannel failures is that they reversed the color scheme, which makes them marginally less painful to look at. for that my eyes are grateful, but the lack of originality is disappointing. 3/10.

ent

what the fuck. these are just boiler suits with the starfleet insignia sewn on. what the actual fuck. we deserve better than this. -20/10.

aos

an update on the tos uniforms that really wasn’t necessary. something about this version just doesn’t feel right. the sweaters are a little too much like sports shirts to be a solid look. and don’t even get me started on the lack of rank insignias on the women’s dress uniforms. that saying about how sequels are never as good as the original definitely applies in this case. 2/10.

discovery

finally some good fucking food. the color scheme reminds me of the ent uniforms but the metallic paneling and fitted jackets saves the look. a moment of silence for the ent uniforms’ wasted potential. 6/10.

pike’s #look in the discovery season 2 trailer

the TOS sweaters are BACK, and this time they’re fitted, babey! it’s ugly!!! it’s impractical!!! it’s tacky!!! and i love it 100/10.