standing lamp

Jack also wrote a list for Bitty

It’s folded on his night stand, hidden under the lamp

Things I expect from this relationship

(nothing, honestly, but you asked, so there goes:)

  • I expect that you’re with me because you really want to be with me
  • I expect that you tell me if things get too much
  • I expect that you answer honestly when I ask how you are
  • I expect that you make your wants and needs clear and explicit because otherwise I stress about it - You know how I am

Things I do not expect from this relationship

  • I do not expect you put up with my moods
  • I do not expect you that put this relationship above other important things in your life, like school, hockey, friends, anything else.
  • I do not expect you to be okay with keeping this relationship a secret
  • I do not expect you to be okay with the pressure of dating me - (There is a hockey stick hand drawn next to this)
  • I do not expect you to come out to your parents or anyone else, really
  • I do not expect you to forgive me for having treated you badly that first year - I still am sorry about it
  • I do not expect that you force yourself get along with anyone that you might dislike, for my sake
  • I do not expect you to do anything you might dislike, for my sake
  • I do not expect you to feed me, or take care of me, or anything else- If you want to do it for your own enjoyment, go ahead.

Things I want you to remember

  • I love you
  • Talking to you calms me down
  • I always want to see you or talk to you, even during my black moods
  • I love you
  • I desire you
  • Your life and what happens in it are as important as what happens in mine, I want to hear about it
  • I love you
  • Never forget that we were friends first, and will work hard to remain friends no matter what happens
  • You are an important part of my life, hockey is not more important than you are
  • Je t’aime

It’s signed -Jack

Bitty reads it before going to bed, and falls asleep with a smile on his face.


Bitty’s list for Jack

Beberapa waktu lalu, saya sibuk (meribetkan diri) untuk menata ulang nuansa kamar. Tidak terlalu repot, hanya merubah bentuk dan komposisi. Di sela itu, saya menemukan lampu berdiri ini diantara setumpuk furniture di luar kamar.

Hampir dua tahun dia bertenggek di situ, selama itu pula saya selalu melihat–bulak-balik–dan membatin “lampu ini rusak”. Berpikir begitu karena barang ini tidak digunakan sesuai dengan manfaatnya.

Setelah memperhatikan lebih dekat, dan hanya ada satu jawaban untuk mengetahui apakah lampu ini usang atau tidak adalah dengan cara mencobanya. Tak pikir panjang, bergegas lampu berdiri ini saya tarik ke dalam kamar. Saya dekatkan lampu dengan kontak listrik. Lalu saya letakkan di tempat yang serasi–di sebelah kursi kayu berselimut kain warisan yang berusia puluhan tahun.

Begitu listrik lampu disambungkan kekontak, lampu pun menyala. Terkejut. Lampu ini memantulkan warna kuning yang hangat. Seramah cahaya bulan di atas gelap. Lampu-lampu dengan sinar putih yang biasa dipasang, seketika saya matikan. Dan pantulan kuning lembut dari bohlam lampu berdiri ini semakin meneduhkan seisi kamar.

Bergoreslah senyum di bibir. Selama ini saya cukup terganggu dengan satu lampu putih yang biasa saya gunakan dalam lelap. Saya tidak bisa tidur dalam gelap. Tapi sekarang, saat semua lampu putih saya redam, lampu berdiri ini seolah memberi jawaban. Warna kuning hangatnya–ternyata–100 kali lipat sangat bisa mengantar saya tertidur lenyap.

-selamat menikmati malam redam-