Confession: I feel so miserable and isolated. I’m going to be 20 in a short while, but I’m not even allowed to go out of my house without causing a problem. If I go out of my house to anywhere that isn’t college, I get talked down to like I’m some trash selling my body or something. In the entire year thus far, I’ve been outside one single time and it was with my godfather because he and I make care packages to give to elderly folks and he wanted to go running on the beach. I went outside that one time for the whole year and my dad got angry at me and started saying all sorts of things about me to my mom and brothers while I was gone. When I got back, everyone was angry at me and telling me what he said. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hurt in my entire life. I think that the time my dad called me a disappointment when I was 14 pales in comparison to being called simpleminded, an idiot, a soon-to-be-slut, a prostitute, and all sorts of other stuff saying that I’m being sold to other men. And every day I try to not remember he said those things about me and that everyone wasn’t upset with me because they got shouted at in place of me or the fact that I’m trying so hard not to be hurt, but I feel even worse. My dad won’t even tell me good morning. He won’t even look at me. He won’t even answer my messages. He’s just acting like I don’t exist.
I feel so smothered. My little brother was going out whenever he wanted since he was 15. All of my siblings can go outside and I can’t. I can’t enjoy anything. I feel so miserable in this place. I’ve spent the last several years of my life watching the seasons die off by watching the trees through my room window. It’s just fucking sad and painful. And then, they tell me I need to make friends, but how the hell am I expected to make friends if they won’t even let me outside the house for 3-4 hours? I used to tutor and I was only allowed to be out of the house for 5 hours in a whole week. Whenever I try to pull my mood up by emotionally investing myself in something that makes me happy, this family always pulls me right down with their remarks. They always tell me “You need to go outside more” but the reality is that they won’t let me even go outside without it being a problem.
I’m so damn tired. I’m so miserable. If I try to find comfort in books, then I get shamed for it and told that I need to read the Bible. If I listen to my music (which is nothing more than classical instrumentals, OSTs for anime, or movie OSTs, with the occasional Chinese song because I understand Chinese well from classes), I get told that music won’t help me get to heaven but everyone else can play their reggae, country, pop, rap, hiphop, and whatever else.
I always feel so jealous hearing my siblings talk about their friends, the fun things they did, the places they went, the people they’ve dated… I feel so jealous and I can’t even help it. Everyone always says things like “You don’t even have a boyfriend” or “You don’t even know what it’s like to be in love” or “You don’t even know what love is” and I just want to scream because it isn’t my fault. It’s their fault for isolating me to this house, and it’s my fault for being such a good person and not wanting to make anyone upset or make anyone take the whiplash just because I decide to be defiant. Every time I go outside, my dad always gets upset and then everyone else gets upset with me and I literally only go outside to go places once every 3-4 months in a year.
I can’t even talk about how I feel. Every time I try, I starts crying before I can actually pull out the words or everyone dismisses me like I’m just supposed to sit in a corner and be a trophy child or doll. I think that my nickname “Dolly” isn’t even a harmless nickname anymore. I’m literally just supposed to sit here in my room and say nothing. I can’t even talk about the things that make me excited without someone telling me to shut up, but here I am as a dumb idiot that listens to everything my family has to say because I’m kind like that and such a pushover.
I wish that I had somewhere else to go—somewhere that I could just stay forever. I’m so tired of being treated like I’m 2 years old but I don’t have the heart to kick up a fuss because I don’t want anyone to be angry at me and I’ll only get an anxiety attack if I do.