Here we have Viktor Nikiforov. Russian. Pale skin. White as the freshest snow on the highest mountains of Russia. Nipples are a shade or two darker than his skin tone.
Clearly, this man never sees sunlight.
That’s okay though. We love you and your pale, perky ass anyway, Viktor.
Ok. Now… adversely…
Christophe Giacometti. Suisse. Fabulous as f-. Skin glowing golden as a ray of fucking sunshine.
His nipples, what color are they?
Pale? Pink? Peach?! I don’t know. All I do know is that clearly, Christophe’s nipples are way way lighter than his skin tone.
Christophe Giacometti gets spray/fake tans.
And I mean, it makes sense. Look at how fabulous this man is. Clearly he would be the type to sip champagne on a Sunday afternoon laid out on a beach chair while air drying a fresh spray tan by the poolside.
Now… You may be asking yourself: Is this information important?
No. It absolutely is not.
But I came to this conclusion while half awake this morning and felt compelled to share it with all you lovely people in the fandom.
It occurs to me that one possible reason why I find fairies of the Fair Folk Beautiful and Terrible Kings and Queens Blah Blah boring and vaguely distasteful is that when you strip down all the glamour, they’re basically bored irresponsible rich kids randomly fucking with average people for their amusement just because they can. Like I get that Spring Storms Made Flesh and Lords of the Secret World but if Kellyaghnn from PE invited you to a Victorian-themed party complete with 1000$-a-piece tiny hats at her sixteen-room mansion with all her immaculately spray-tanned friends who giggle about What Fools These Working Classes Be, and then when you ate a single raisin promptly told you that now you have to stay in her house and work as her servant for free for the rest of your life to pay it off, possibly while dressed as a farm animal, you wouldn’t respond by sighing dreamily about how she’s Beyond Good and Evil.
For those that have asked about my self-care regimen, here are my favorite products and their uses! I’ll definitely update this as I get more escorting experience and my product selection grows.
I have sensitive, weird skin. I’m allergic to almost all BBW products. Here are the things I love!
Aloe Vera Baby Oil - Shaving the cooch
Tend Skin - Prevents razor burn after shaving the cooch
Neutrogena Body Clear Scrub - Exfoliates and gets rid of random bumps
Aveeno Therapeutic Shave Gel - For a soft, super close shave on your legs
Lollia Perfumed Shower Gel - All of their scents smell amazing and they leave behind a muted scent. Plus, it’s very thick so a little bit goes a long way. Seriously, a quarter sized dollop is enough to get foamy suds over your entire body!
Lollia Hand Creme - Will give you the smoothest, softest hands ever. Especially important for touching wieners.
Intimore Intimate Wash - My favorite wash for cleaning the vag. ALL of their varieties are safe for sensitive skin and they have great uses. The Therapeutic wash is great if you’ve been fucked raw. Very soothing!
Lush Sugar Scrub - Great for exfoliating, it leaves your skin very bright and radiant and it is supposed to reduce the appearance of cellulite!
Nip + Fab Glycolic Fix Extreme Pads - I use these to get rid of weird bumps or razor burn on my legs after shaving. Will literally clear up those weird clear bumps that aren’t quite whiteheads or pimples.
Kiehl’s Soy Milk & Honey Whipped Body Butter - Will leave your entire body smoother than a baby’s butt and the scent is very light. Super hydrating. I use this every night after a hot bath. I also use this to moisturize my cooch. YES, YOU CAN AND SHOULD MOISTURIZE YOUR COOCH. It’s okay! Try it!
Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs - It’s like foundation for your legs! It comes in either a squeeze bottle or mist. I use the squeeze bottle more because the mist WILL STAIN your bathroom tile or toilet, if you prop your leg on it to spray.
St. Tropez Express Bronzing Mousse with Mitt - I used this for the first time last night because my spray tan was wearing off. It gives a really natural tan and you only have to leave it on 1-3 hours, depending on how dark you want to go, before rinsing! I left mine on for a little less than two hours and I have a nice, NATURAL looking tan glow!
I’m a light ashy blonde with frizzy, unmanageable hair. Here are my top picks for products.
Batiste Dry Shampoo - Absolute BEST dry shampoo and it’s super affordable. Very fine powder. It comes in a bunch of varities, I like the sleek and shine the most.
AG Hair Cosmetics Sterling Silver Shampoo - Great purple shampoo for blondes.
Davines Alchemic Conditioner - They have different formulas for different hair colors. I use the purple conditioner for blondes and it’s a great purple mask that tones and deep conditions.
Kerastase Shampoo & Conditioner - Comes in a ton of varities. I use the ones for damaged hair and frizzy hair. BEST shampoo and conditioners I have ever used. It doesn’t take much product and every product does what it says it will.
Kerastase Fluidissime Blow Dry Spray - For frizzy or curly hair. It gives heat protection, shine and smoothness. I use this when I want my hair to be super straight or I want to style it after blow drying.
Kerastase L’ncroyable Blow Dry - Most amazing blow dry lotion ever. Seriously. Now my most used product.
Davines Melu Serum - For disguising split ends. Also adds shine.
Davines Minu Mask - Illuminating hair mask used to add back shine and dimension
Carol’s Daughter Monoi Mask - Great for softness and hydration. Smells amazing. Probably my favorite mask.
Kerastase Masqueintense - Second favorite hair mask. It’s ultra smoothing and revitalizes your hair.
Kerastase Elixir Ultime - Great hair oil! Lighter than Morrocanoil with the same benefits, though the smell isn’t as nice.
Shu Uemura Straight Forward - Great blowdry spray oil. It really does cut down the amount of time it takes to blow out your hair. I use this with the Kerastase Incredible Blowdy.
I have sensitive, combination skin. I used to get random hormonal acne.
Glamglow ThirstyMud - Great for hydration and smells amazing. You can use it as rinse off or a sleeping mask.
Glamglow Flashmud - Brightening, revitalizing mask. I use this on my butt to help get rid of a few blemish scars. No, I am not joking. Yes, it is actually working.
Glamglow Thirstycleanse - Amazing mud cleanser for whenever my skin is feeling a little dry or needs some nourishment.
Glamglow Supercleanse - My favorite cleanser ever. It’s a mud-oil dual pump and it takes off every BIT of make up and keeps your skin super clear! Plus, it’s not drying!
Peter Thomas Roth BHA 2% Acne Wash - For if I feel a breakout coming on. One bottle will likely last you over a year.
Peter Thomas Roth Blemish Buffing Beads - Great for body acne.
Glamglow Fizzy Lip - Great exfoliating lip scrub, plus you get twice as much product as most other lip scrubs.
Glamglow Wet Lip - Intense softening lip treatment. You should definitely be using both of these to get seductive, soft, kissable lips!
Sunday Riley Luna Sleeping Oil - I use this at night before bed. It’s anti-aging, moisturizing, clarifying, fights wrinkles and reduces pore size.
Sunday Riley Good Genes Serum - I use this in the morning and it makes my skin look superb. Best skin product I’ve ever had. It brightens, exfoliates, gives radiance and evens out hyperpigmentation.
Clarins HydraQuench Intensive Serum Bi-Phase - I use this serum as my moisturizer and it keeps my skin super nourished! It doesn’t clog up your pores and hydrates your dry areas. Definitely the best moisturizer I’ve ever used.
When I moved to L.A., I got this pilot and went and got spray tanned. I was playing a baseball player, so I was sweating a lot, so during the shoot, the spray tan was coming off of me. I looked like a total fucking douchebag. I looked in the mirror afterwards and said to myself, “No matter what, never do this again.” My older brother always says if I had his looks, my career would [have taken off sooner]. But I have no interest in being pretty.
America scares me cause y'all have squares????
Some other golden frickin scares
- 50 different states???? aND YOU REMEMBER THEM???
- a legitimate place named “Death Valley”
- Large roadside attractions
- There’s towns that are the equivalent to Easter Eggs if you find them (What the heck Star Trek)
- Where exactly is the bible belt?
- How much can one man love Jesus???
- the pronounciation of Arkansas
- apparently smaller comunities still have some sort of hetalia conventions
- the 10 amendments sound like a published fanfiction of the 10 commandments
- a cult chant before class every day
- A street that may or may not have a wall. Either way, they have the money
- Everything costs m o n e y
- apparently every city is a big city
- Is Detroit Okay????!
- Actor sightings in New York are somehow less frequent than Bigfoot sightings
- Where do you not have a gun??? Like, do you have them in Walmart????????????
- Does Trump is spray tan?
- Who is Cotton-Eyed Joe
- How did… Twinkies?? Who thought that was a good idea?!
- Deepfried things that you’d never expect
- Casual Tornados and Earthquakes
- Vague memories of Hillbilly Handfishin
- Arizona is melting
Why, seriously why, is it okay to ignore that they aren't spraytanning Daisy to make her look like a poc? Her character isn't from Jakku, so there was never an intention of making her look like she was from a desert planet, just that she had been on one for a long time. Fun fact: white people get darker when they're out in the sun. Real thing, actually happens. I think Rey should have been a woc too, but not because she's from Jakku, because she's not. She was just left there.
No one is debating that white people tan. Fun fact: I’m olive skinned and I tan to a brown color. In fact lots of PoC tan and get darker in the sun. That has nothing to do with the fact that they wanted Rey to look golden/brown and they choose to spray tan the hell out of a pale as milk woman going to the point of using brown pigment cream on her (”Rey’s make up consisted of Tom Ford’s Traceless Foundation, with some brown cream pigment and “By Terry Brightening CC Lumi-Serum” in “Sunny Flash” for her cheeks.” from x).
They had a perfect opportunity to actually cast a brown woman no spray tanning needed an they didn’t. You can say you “think Rey should have been a WoC too” all you want but you’re completely defending the casting of white woman when they could have used a WoC. This in a franchise that has yet to cast a dark skinned woman in anything other than a cameo or in body paint. You’re defending racist casting.
♈ aries:is your beach body ready? is your beach head ready? is your beach spirit ready? is your beach astral projecting ready? if not, dont even bother. just get your aura spray-tanned like everyone else.
♉ taurus: summer nights too hot for blankets, but if the sheets dont cover your toes who knows what will reach out for them. cover yourself in the dark. sleep without pants, it’s a better compromise.
♊ gemini: the days grow longer and longer, and so do you. you must stop. you should have known what you were asking for when you wished for summer to never end.
♋ cancer:white linens spread out over soft green lawns, cool breezes over your back. tranquil, quiet. only the cricket knows the pounding of your heart and the anxiety ticking in your brain. panic, for there is only so much time to relax.
♌ leo: pluck dandelions from the ground, blow their seeds in exchange for the offer of a wish. do their bidding for them and do not expect to be paid, except in endless childlike naivete.
♍ virgo: if you cannot go to the beach, cry your eyes out. make your own beach as you sob between the saltwater and the sea strand. sometimes pain is productive. ask yourself if this is what you really wanted.
♎ libra: grades are in, a ghost of the past semester to everyone but you, who has made sure they remain to haunt, your smug victory over the cheerleaders and blondes and popular girls. if you obsess enough over intellect, maybe one day you can be as shallow as them.
♏ scorpio: go on your summer road trip, but dont take highways, just meander through local roads, people’s neighborhoods, the backyards of people’s lives. remind yourself of others existence as you struggle to hide your own.
♐ sagittarius:dew drops puddle in the leaves. taste but do not consume. actually don’t taste it. your aesthetic is not worth dying for, unless it is, and then you should totally go for it. do it for the vine, which is also dead.
♑ capricorn: roadside markets and roadkill have one thing in common: they are both dead. they are empty and waiting for you to find something to put in them, like meaning, or a misplaced sense of nostalgia. it’s alright, paint your own feelings and masturbatory emotional issues over the ghosts that live there.
♒ aquarius: drive into the sunset. crash into the picturesque painted horizon wall, explode in its firey wonder. once again they will blame the impulsive nature of teenagers, and not the desperate rat that wants to escape the cage of summer.
♓ pisces: have fun in the sun, barbeque on the beach with friends. don’t think about how the sun is slowly cooking you alive as you frolic under the grill of it’s heat. or if you do, opt for smearing barbeque sauce on your skin instead of sunscreen. the sun prefers ketchup, but there’s still defiance in submission.
Happy Holidays Madie! Sorry it’s mega late! You were probably expecting a cooler au lol but, yeah, this is Tokyo Ghoul in Hollywood! Basically, Rize (hotshot talent scout) discovers amateur Kaneki and pulls him into the crazy bustling industry. I imagine the Kirishima siblings as international supermodels/fashion icons and Hanbee pesters his idol, Juuzou, 24/7 for acting advice and Tsukiyama and Arima are bitter rivals that always somehow end up having to work together. I wish I could have added more people, still, I hope you like it!