spoof signs

Excerpt from The Life of Whumpers (2017)

[Transcript follows]

And here we see the wild Whumper Iniuriam viligem [@medwhump, 2016] in their natural habitat. Whumpers are one of the most fascinating organisms on the planet. These fantastic creatures were once thought to be rare, but a thriving new population has recently been discovered in the Tumblr ecosystem and the population continues to grow at an astonishing rate.

A nomadic species, the wild Whumper can be observed flitting from TV show to TV show in search of the best whump scenes. You can track the Whumpers through -ah, there it is- their cry, which makes a high-pitched noise that sounds like ‘squee!’.

Many Whumpers are naturally shy creatures, and, if confronted, will deny any enjoyment of whump beyond the scientific and character development aspects. Some, however, are gregarious, proudly flaunting their spectacular headcanons and ‘squeeing’ loudly. It is thought that this fabulous display intimidates many non-Whumpers, although there is no scientific evidence that the non-Whumpers have anything to fear.

If we’re very quiet…yes, here we are. It’s a rare privilege to get this close to a Whumper in the wild. Much of a Whumper’s life is spent like this one here - huddled closely around a computer or television screen. The Whumper looks calm and detached, but in fact a whump-watching session is full of emotions. It requires intense concentration. Even shy Whumpers will often engage in what is called ‘internal screaming’, which we can fortunately detect with our special FAN-frequency microphone.

It’s important not to disturb a Whumper during a whump-watching session like this. Despite their reputation, Whumpers are almost entirely harmless, but may attack in the whump-watching season if disturbed and can be highly aggressive in defence of their favourite whump character. Care should also be taken in situations where there is no care after the whump scene or when a Whumper is struggling to locate a whump scene, as many Whumpers will experience frustration and disappointment in these situations. Under NO circumstances should you tease a Whumper with whump trailers and then not present them with actual whump. This is the leading cause of Whumper attacks in the world.

Back at its burrow, the Whumper has amassed a vast collection of fanfiction and whumpy gifs and fanart. Whumpers are highly social amongst their own kind, and frequently share whump fics between their group with no apparent expectation of reciprocation. It is not unknown for a single Whumper to contract an obsession with a particular show or character, and in close proximity the obsession can spread rapidly throughout the population, infecting every Whumper it touches.

What makes a Whumper so drawn to fictional characters being hurt? Science has as yet been unable to determine a specific answer. It seems likely that there is variation in reasons at the subspecies and even individual levels. Perhaps we shall never know. So it’s probably best to just appreciate the majesty of nature, and leave them to do what they do best.

[End of excerpt]

Writing Utensil by Zodiac Sign

Aries - Paintbrush
Taurus - Marker
Gemini - Mechanical Pencil
Cancer - Fountain Pen
Leo - Stylus
Virgo - Pencil Crayon
Libra - Pencil
Scorpio - Crayon
Sagittarius - Quill 
Capricorn - Ball-point Pen
Aquarius - Charcoal 
Pisces -  Chalk