Well, this is what I look like with all my walls up
This is what I look like when you hurt me too much.
This is what I look like when you leave me all alone
Because the truth is I’m a girl surrounded by stone.
So maybe it looks like I don’t give a fuck
But this is what I look like with all my walls up.
the day after you kill yourself, you’re going to wake up feeling empty. like your body is hallow and with every step you can hear your bones creak and like any normal day, you get up and go to school because you assume it’ll be just like any other day. right? you’re at school, and everyone is crying. why are they crying? you walk past all of the bodies with tears streaming down their cheeks. again, why are they crying so hard? you hear someone say, “i can’t believe they are gone” and another, “why did they have to go soon? they were always so happy.” and you know, this time, it’s real. you walk the hallway as every face you never thought noticed you, is color ridden, they are pale, sad, walking is too much for them. because they are without another happy face. and you see, your best friend she’s crying so hard in class she’s choking on her own tears because she cannot breathe without you. because she promised herself she would make it to school because you knew she was strong and you made sure you told her that everyday and she owed that to you, and she is broken because you promised you would call her when the nights became too heavy for her. why didn’t you call her? she’s sobbing harder now, she misses you, and she wants to join you because a life without you is like a life without sunshine, it’s simply impossible to thrive. that boy you liked so much, he liked you too. why couldn’t you see that? he loved you. he called you every time you were sad because he hated he couldn’t always be there to wipe away your tears and now, he’s the one with so many tears. he is crying and he’s not gonna stop anytime soon because he misses you, and he regrets not telling you he loved you sooner. he can’t stop thinking about the night he finally got the courage to hold your hand. he wishes he could’ve held onto you tighter, because maybe it would have kept you here. alive. your lunch table, is filled with people but one spot, it is empty. because you were supposed to be there, you were supposed to be making your god damn lame jokes and smiling that cheesy smile you did where your eyes lit up so bright. you know what im talking about, you just couldn’t see it. and everyone around you, they miss your laugh. they miss the way you always smiled at everyone, even if they didn’t know you, even if you were completely falling apart. kiddo, you kept everyone together. and everyone was convinced, you were kept together too and im sorry you didn’t see it. but look now, everyone is crying, everyone. even the people you thought didn’t notice you, bud, they did. it was impossible not to notice the one face that no matter how much they were falling apart, was always so bright and full of life. and your parents, they miss you. every time they come home now, they walk past your room and their hearts drop and break right outside your bedroom door and they stay there. because everyone is far too weak and broken to pick anything up after you left. and im writing this because i know. i see the broken smiles that have pieces of the lives lost still stuck in them. i hear the stories of how beautiful and caring she was and i knew her. and it hurts. because you think you don’t matter and you’re convinced you don’t, until it’s too late. please, don’t let it become too late. when you see people broken after a life is lost, you understand. and it’s terrible and for weeks after, you can’t help but cry every time you feel the sun on your skin because they won’t get to feel that anymore. and it rips you to shreds and changes you as a person. so please, take it from someone who understands, you are worth life. you deserve to live. i know things are hard, i know you feel alone, but things will not be dark forever. on the other side of the clouds there is still sunshine no matter how bad the storm once was. so i am begging you, stay alive.
happiness fucking destroys you. it crawls in beside you while you are sleeping and mixes with your dreams and you wake up on fire because all you’re used to is the chill of feeling numb and sad and now your bones are ignited and you don’t know how to move when you feel on fire because you’re so used to stiff and creaking bones that are layered with sadness and now they are blazing with happiness and with every step you can feel the soarks shoot up your veins. it holds your hand like the boy you’ve always been in love with but it gets ripped away from you as if you’re a tree branch in a hurricane and you get swept away and lose everything you’ve ever been rooted to and suddenly you’re lost at sea and you have nothing to latch onto. you’re fucking drowning and you can’t breathe and it destroys you. the happiness you once had is gone and you’re vacant and you miss it like a baby misses it’s mother when she has to go back to work and leaves them wondering where the hell they went. and they’re lost. and you’re lost. and you just need to be found again but it’s never the same happiness that finds you. it’s new. maybe this time it’s the way roses grow so beautiful despite their thorns that often lead people to not wanting to pick them up at all and it just really fucking reminds you of yourself and no one can seem to get past those thorns but someday, someone will. and that will be your new happiness. and you’ll find it. over and over and over again and you’ll lose it even more times but eventually you’ll learn how to brave the storm and that’s what counts, that’s what you fight for.
you won’t get swept away anymore, you’ll just stand steady and enjoy the rain. // ig writingmyself
Welcome to another segment of messing with Multitracks, here is Trent’s spoken word vocals on the song The Downward Spiral without the screaming being too loud that the vocals are buried like in the studio version
you thought you could leave me behind.. but you still smell my scent at night, don’t you? you thought you could forget the way I rub your back till you fall in deep sleep but you’ve been having trouble dreaming lately, haven’t you? you thought you could go about your life.. like everything is alright.. but your stomach flips at the thought of me loving again, doesn’t it? you thought you could fuck someone else as if our love burned like hell but you can still feel me in every woman you please.. I know what it’s like to stare at the sky and pray for everything to fall in place.. for everything to be alright.. I know you wonder why, I’m still on your mind.. took me time too. you thought you could love again.. without my permission.. without recognition that I taught you to love me Ina way you’ll never be loved in return. you thought I’d let you throw me away so you could forget me?
i woke up this morning and right when i opened my eyes i felt this overwhelming sense of sad wash over me and i cried just simply due to the fact that i was awake. i didn’t get out of bed until nearly 5pm. but then i was reminded by a friend of what hope is, and how it’s not something you can see but something you can feel. i spent two hours writing in my journal about the ache in my heart and i thought and thought and thought. and ive realized, sadness is a cruel monster that lives under your bed. as you’re sleeping it reaches into your happiest dreams and paints them black too so you have no escape from reality and it takes away your smile and makes you wake up with an aching spine and heavy bones and when this happens, you need to get out of bed. it’s okay if you stay under the covers until the sky turns dark blue but you need to allow yourself to get up and stretch and allow yourself to breathe even though your lungs sting. i know not everyday is easy, i know these weeks are hard, i know these months seem unbearable but i needed to be reminded to have hope today and so here’s to anyone else who needs it too; you need hope. it’s the one thing that keeps you alive so please cling to it. keep in mind that your worst days have only 24 hours and that even things as pretty as the sky are constantly changing too. you are growing. you are breaking. but most of all, you are healing. allow yourself room to scream and cry if you must. and please, keep going.
okay, look. i know some days you’d rather vanish into thin air and some days the weight of the world is so heavy on your chest that you can feel your heart crashing through your ribs and i get it. it’s painful and everything becomes too much and you wonder why you’re here and why you have to suffer and why everything you touch turns to ashes and crumbles beneath your finger tips. i have been there. i have sat in the ashes of everything i have loved, i have watched my very own foundation be burned to the ground and i have denied myself the simple pleasures of existence because how can there be beauty among the rumble? i will tell you; when you’re building a house it takes days, there is just wood leaning against wood and floor plans crumbled up on the floor, tossed aside and everything seems to be a mess and not quite coming together and when night times comes around you worry because you don’t have a roof but you never even think about looking at the stars. they twinkle and shine whether you are complete or not. they will still burn and collapse whether we watch or not, they are a lot like us. when your house is built and the roof is up, you worry how strong your foundation is, you can feel the storm coming. and when it does, it will blow your freshly painted walls right in and you will watch everything you tried so hard for, be destroyed right in front of you and you won’t be able to do a single thing about it besides just observe. when the lightning strikes the trees, go and sit in the rain. let the drops trickle down your skin, let it chill you, let it make you cold, and learn to appreciate the way that even the sky has to cry sometimes. that just like you, it cannot control who it damages, it just lets out its rage and sadness, and tries to make up for it by giving us sunshine. and sometimes, we still cannot feel the sun. yeah, we can see it, but what’s the point of even looking if all we feel is cold even though something so bright and hot is right in front of us. go and sit it in anyways. just because you can’t feel it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. i know, sometimes we feel so alone we start talking to our hands and even those cannot hold still. so they shake like a leaf and you tremble and you try to make sense of everything but nothing seems to fit quite right, that is, until they hold your hand and steady you. you think you won’t find the right person but lightning strikes and shocks the ground and out of the damage comes a human who will love you, who will make you feel whole. and you think that today is the end of the world because you hearts broken or because that boy left you, or your house doesn’t feel like home anymore, or anything else that can seem so earth shattering. but im telling you, love, when the world feels like too much, breathe. let someone else know so they can feel this pain with you. they want to know. and when today is too much and tomorrow feels like it can’t ever be promised again, turn on the lights, scream a little louder if you have to and at the end of it all, go to bed. because tomorrow is not always guaranteed but as long as you keep breathing, there is always a chance of things getting better it’s just all a matter of fighting through it.