go on, ask me why i’m tired

ask me and i’ll tell you.

i’ll tell you about intensity,
feeling, seeing and smelling everything around me in a way you could never understand
you see,
your world’s in black and white and i’m processing a symphony.

i’ll tell you about obsession,
about dinosaurs, star trek,sharks,
eyeshadow, witchcraft, dogs, manatees, b-movies. you see,
these things keep me grounded and away from aggression.

but let me tell you about aggression.
my failed attempts at suppression when other people are too close
too loud
too sharp
too strange
they make me scream and weep but then those people call it regression.

and i can tell you about camouflage.
how i have a hundred fronts to put on so you don’t realise how hard i’m fighting against your barrage because god knows i wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.

please try and remember i’m just a mirage.
a mirage flickering and changing in front of your eyes to keep up.
to learn, to understand people when they make no effort to understand me.
that’s camouflage.

that’s a masquerade.
i can maintain 5 different personas at once so other people don’t think i’m strange
and then they have the nerve to question what i am:
autistic behind a barricade.

ask me why i’m tired. go on.
ask and i’ll tell.
about hiding and changing;
obsessing, repressing, confessing my emotions to a room full of strangers because i can’t do it face to face when i’m sober
it’s distressing.

distressing that while i’m repressing and professing my love for myself,
for my brain,
for the way i’m processing the world,
that people come second guessing and expressing their doubt when all i’m trying to do is make them comfortable.

but when i try so hard to make life easy for people i admire only for them to ask me why do i tire so,
easily?
it makes me want to scream louder,
stim prouder,
infodump and light up the room like a match dropped on
gunpowder.

it’s hard.
to explain why i’m tired to someone who’s brain is fundamentally different to mine.
but i like to try while i stand and untie
the faces that have always been tied across mine.

—  autistic behind a barricade // s.l.c
Vulnerable

Somethings gotta change
I need to make it different
For myself
I need to become different

I need to love
So that I may be loved
I need to show kindness
Forgiveness
Compassion
Strength for myself
and for others
I need to fight
Darkness and negativity

I need to sand down
My rough exterior
Leave myself exposed to the world
Because if I am vulnerable
If I am open
The universe can seep in.

~ W. S.

today i noticed that life is very short. life is so short that we must follow our dreams. that we must kiss the person we love. that we must say hello to strangers. eat that creamy chocolate bar we were craving. leave our friends and family with hugs and kisses instead of just saying goodbyes. we should look at the sky. gaze at the stars and count it too. smell the flowers, pick it and give it to your neighbours. look at our lovers face and memorize the twinkle in their eyes when they talk about their day. call our mothers. call our old friends. dance the night away till your feet give up. enjoy the little things before it’s too late. before it’s too late to enjoy life.
—  S.Bashir
08.06.2017
When I first met you, I thought that you might be something that I was going to call home.
And I was right.
—  d.p.a
My ultimate aim is not to make you fall in love with me. I want you to ring me up when everything in your life goes wrong or when everything seems to go right. I want you to give all your firsts to me, and if not all your firsts but at least the best you’ve ever had. I want to hold you till you fall asleep. I want you to share all your deepest darkest secrets- the ones that haunt you like a ghost. I want you to think of me whenever someone brings up happiness. I want to be your safe place, your family, your home, your shoulder to cry on, your anchor. And my final destination is not to make you love me back, I want to make you fall in love with yourself before making you fall in love with me.
I found a silence in the mountains
that spoke volumes to my soul
and words
I’d never been able to say out loud.
—  Frankie Ryott, deardeceiver.

a message from women:
do you know what it’s like to be left alone in love?
do you know what it’s like to feel stuck in love?
do you know what it’s like to be too depressed?
do you know what it’s like to have to beg for
forever from a person who neglects your history?
do you what it’s like to lose everything?
do you know what it’s like to feel abandoned?
do you know what it’s like to wait?
do you know that i will never be too near or too far away?
honestly, i’m still waiting for closure.
i still question what this is— or what this was?
because i can’t help but hope
our feelings were mutual.
do you know how it feels to constantly chase
a feeling you’re addicted to?
do you know i’ve got the jones for you.
and an appetite. and a sweet tooth.
do you know i prayed for you?
from night ’til day.
regardless of my better judgement or dismay
time after time after promises
that never seemed impossible or too good to be TRUE.
do you know what it’s like to try
convincing yourself that— this was the truth.
like i was the woman created for you.
do you know how much i’ve craved you?
i’ve searched for you everywhere
in people, in prayer, in psalm.
in different lovers, in god.
and god— i, wish you really knew.
that i’d love you till death,
or that i’d kill for you.
or that i feel you, like soul deep, like
deeper than anyone ever will.
do you know what it’s like to feel dead inside
and see you so alive, still?

but these days i feel alive.
i’ve been able to realize
you just weren’t meant for me.
these days i don’t cry over
spilled milk.
or lost love
or things i have no control of.
these days i just love myself more.
i just know there’s a happily ever after.
these days i just — don’t see it with you.
nothing personal i think i just fell too quick for your potential.
i just wanted you to be the one.
i just thought we made sense
but now i love myself enough to know better..

—  Reyna Biddy
he placed his hand over my heart and felt something I never knew.
it was purpose.
at that moment I knew I existed for a reason
and I never gave up on life
—  my second half {excerpt from a poem}
Twenty things I’ve learned in Twenty Years

1. Life will break you down until you’re crawling on your hands and knees, until you feel like you are Atlas holding the world upon your shoulders, until you feel like the raging inferno inside of your chest is going to combust. These are the moments that will forge you in a fire and make you more unbreakable than diamonds.

2. We are made of stardust, at least that’s what they say. I remember someone told me that every atom in my body once belonged to a star that exploded. At night I stare at my hands and wonder when I will erupt. I know now that I cannot trust anyone else to keep me whole in the darkest hours of the night but my own two star infused arms.

3. You will fall in love, and that is okay. Sometimes we need to fall in love to remember that there is good out there. Fall in love with the boy who opens the door for you, fall in love with your boss who works too hard, fall in love with the woman who hands out roses on that one street corner, fall in love with yourself.

4. They weren’t lying when they said we accept the love we think we deserve. I grew up being told I was a mistake and so I adopted the idea that no one could ever love a mistake. I was wrong (they were wrong) and now it’s up to me to prove them wrong. Don’t believe the things they said, you are so much more than the toxins they tried to poison you with.

5. Close your eyes, count to ten, and open them again. You are not alone. I know it may feel like you are the only one, but believe me when I say that you aren’t. I was where you are, and now I have talked to more people that have been through much worse than I than I would like to admit to. You are never alone, not really.

6. Music can save. Play it as loud as you can with the windows down as you drive (probably a little too fast). Play it while you are at work and while you are in the shower and play it when you want to give up in the middle of the day and when you want to give up in the middle of the night. Just play the music that tugs at your heartstrings, it may save you.

7. Nothing in life is easy, not really. You will catch a few breaks here and there, but the rest of the time you will find yourself fighting tooth and nail to make it back to the top. Don’t give up, I almost did this year and if I had I wouldn’t be able to witness what the sun looks like shining in her eyes.

8. You will have scars, and that’s fine. We all have them but it’s up to you if you want to hide them or show your battle wounds to the world so they know how strong of a warrior you are, so they know not to fuck with you.

9. Watch the sunrise, and watch the sunset. There is something about the sun that screams life; let the light bleed into you and consume you until you shine with it. Sometimes it’s the simple things we are missing in life that we need the most.

10. They will say they love you and then they will turn around and break your heart. You cannot compare your life’s worth to the empty spaces that were once filled around you. People will leave (willing or not) and life will go on. Let life go on.

11. If you are under the impression you are broken, then it is up to you to decide if you are or not. It took me years to admit that I was never quite whole, but when I did it was the most freeing feeling ever. Brokenness does not take away from perfection, and you are the very definition of perfect.

12. It’s okay to let people in, you don’t need to cage yourself away from the rest of the world, don’t forget to live your life while you pursue safeness.

13. Hobbies will save you when all else fails you, find a hobby and stick to it. When the world feels all too loud, a hobby can make you go deaf.

14. The moment you realize Wonder Woman or any other superhero you idolized as a child is not going to swoop down and save you is when your life changes. You have to be your own hero in this world. Stop waiting for someone to save you and go save yourself.

15. They are gone, she took her own life and he died in a car crash and she died from cancer and he left. You cannot live your life counting how many people that held a piece of your heart vanished, I’m not saying to forget about them I’m just saying that it’s okay to say goodbye.  

16. It’s okay to cry; cry in the shower and in bed and in your car, being sad is okay as long as you don’t let it consume you.

17. Smile as much as you can even on the bad days.

18. For God’s sake, don’t let them ruin you. You are so strong, you’ve made it this far and that means you can make it another day. If you can get through today you can get through tomorrow and every day that follows. If you feel like you can’t get through the day then sit down and don’t move until the light is peaking in through your window.

19. Never say never. If you think you can’t do something try anyway, this is your life, you are the main character of your own story, but you are also the author of your story. Write it however you want, but don’t give up halfway through.

20. Just don’t take your life. While this is something I learned this year I’m also writing this as a reminder to myself and to you. Don’t do it, please. There can be more to life than what you are feeling right now, don’t rob yourself of the beauty of this world. Don’t give up, no matter how much it hurts.
—  An open letter to myself, and to you. (Sometimes I write until I run out of words) ALightLitInTheDark