spoken lyric

some nights i’d feel so alone that the only comforting thing was the sky. so id learn a ton of constellations and go and sit outside and find every single one that i could and i would beg the sky to light me up inside because i was tired of burning out and i was desperately in need of some light and guidance. i painted planets on my walls and wrote down my favorite constellations. and on the very worst nights, when i felt like i was drowning underneath all of the blackness, i’d look at the moon and remember that someone, somewhere else was looking up at the sky, at that very moment, looking for the same thing as me. and at times, this is the most comforting thing.
—  you’re never alone. other people feel this way too.
They all warned me
Of your coppered rust and peeling paint
Of your low tires and unreliability
“You won’t go far with him”
They all snickered
Bitter words dripping with unrelenting acrid stench
Like gasoline
But I didn’t care about the appearance of your build
That’s not what I saw when I gazed at you
The outward mask that those too small
Minded to interpret as nothing more than a few extra miles
To me was a unique
Antiqued brand of beauty
A charming moment of time preserved within the lining of your soft skin
Peculiar
Precious
Priceless
Your eyes were like broken glass
They opened the world to me through steamy chipped windows
Fogged by our breathless kisses
Forever shifting the gears of my mind
I adored the scratches of your body
And the groaning of your bones as you held me in your arms
Beneath twinkling stars smeared with blue moonlight
The night sky bruised with a bloodied canvas of lust and boiling clouds
I remember the revving deep within your throat as you crashed your lips into mine
The lovely wreck of our intertwining bodies as we slowly inched forward along endless roads of time
At least I thought they were endless
Our sweet lilac romance broke down in a damp alley when the rain became too heavy for us to carry on
The pavement sticky with salt and smoke
I tore myself from your lovely, cracked seats
I washed the fragrance of you from my fingernails
But never from my heart
And although you did not boast a glistening exterior or a smooth ride
You still carried the both of us from point A to point B
And I loved you for that.
—  now when I see the rain I think of you
youtube

Am I dead? 

Or is this one of those dreams,

those horrible dreams,

that seem like they last forever?

If I am alive, why?

Why?

If there is a god or whatever,

something,

somewhere,

why have I been abandoned by everyone and everything I’ve ever known,

I’ve ever loved,

stranded?

What is the lesson?

What is the point?

God give me a sign or I have to give up.

I can’t do this anymore.

Please just let me die.

Being alive hurts too much.

I remember when you stopped saying “I love you.” Unless you were saying “I love you too.” And I remember when even saying that was hard for you.

And I remember the day that our blue suitcase on the top shelf of my closet disappeared, and so did the passion you had for me here and the fear of knowing you could leave me had vanished but so did the reason I ever felt purpose.

#16

I am not as private as you think
I am not as elusive as they say
But it is true that I guard myself
Too much for someone to handle
“How’d you keep it all in?”
You might ask
And the answer is I don’t
For I am not one to wear a mask

I converse with the sky
I listen to the seashells’ tale
I wail with the rain
I laugh with the sun rays
I whisper my secrets to the wind

That’s how I keep myself safe
That’s how I keep myself sane

Ask me “why?”
And I’d tell you with a sigh
That I only worry for your heart
Mine’s too big it might swallow yours up

I am not as discreet as you think
I am not shy, inferior nor meek
Now refrain from figuring me out
For you might discover yourself instead
And just despise me in the end
I care too much for that to happen

Now you’ve seen a snippet of me
It might be time to alter some of these
Because you don’t have to know me that well
It would be an abomination, it would be like hell

For there’s a difference between understanding and knowing
People always think they understand but they just don’t
They only know, that’s why they always say no
No
No
No
No to this
No to that
No to dreamers
and all their crap

And I’ll say yes
Yes to their no’s
Because I understand
Unlike them, whose limited minds only know how to know
Though I hope you don’t get me wrong
I just hate it when you think I am not strong
Just because I choose to feel things deeply
And weep at things you find sappy
Does not mean I can’t stand for myself and for things that I believe in

Now, excuse me while I go
To a place where only ‘I’ belongs
I see you asking again
Where?
To myself.

i am shamelessly an open book because for so long i kept myself shut. i never allowed anyone to rummage through the pages, fold over my corners to mark their favorite spots, never let anyone highlight the most beautiful parts of me with a bright yellow highlighter because i was terrified of being seen as vulnerable or tarnished. i kept all the saddest chapters tucked away or i ripped them straight out, pretending like they didn’t exist. but now, i am slowly adding them back to my story because you cannot have a climax without having a downfall first. i am finally allowing myself to be fumbled through and read because i am ready to be open and free. so please, highlight what you want, read what you must, i promise i will always invite you in and make you feel like you’re right here with me.

“I would leave me. Not because I’m useless and not because I’m broken, not because I’m sad and not because I’m worthless. But because I saw value in your smile but not in your values, and I’m sorry, and I love you. That’s why I can finally sleep at night, because you are free and you can thrive. I’m just happy I got to be a part of your life.”

Hotel Books - “Nothing Was The Same”

be patient, gentle, and kind. crying is okay, it means your heart hasn’t hardened and that you are still soft. it’s okay to be emotional, it’s okay to have bad days. it’s okay to lash out, it’s okay to be unkind sometimes. it’s all about how you make up for it. forgive. forgive those who wronged you. you don’t have to at first, but work to forgive and if you can’t forgive the person who hurt you, forgive yourself for being hurt. don’t bleed for anyone who doesn’t bleed for you. don’t settle for someone who doesn’t sacrifice themselves to see you thrive. don’t settle for pain when you know you could have happiness. believe in yourself. believe in others. good friends make good character. people are attracted to sunshine, people are attracted to a happy you. (the sad you is still beautiful, your sunshine pulls people in) and love. love endlessly. love even when you think you really can’t anymore because i promise, you will never run out of love.
—  things i’ve learned in 2016