spn: purgatory

This kills me - every fucking time.

Because, Jesus, it’s practically canon that Dean must have made very clear how much he loved Cas during his prayers in Purgatory. You can’t talk inside your head to someone you think is dead, and you can’t do it for freaking months, without getting close up and personal with your own feelings for that person. So we know Purgatory must have been traumatizing for Dean - not only because of the obvious reasons - a place outside of time where everything wants to kill him and his only ally is another monster Dean is not even sure he can trust and he’s not sure he’s ever getting out, either, and he’s worried sick about Sam, and also fretting about everyone else he left topside - but also because it forced him to acknowledge how important Cas is in his life.

After all, the fact Cas is there at all (the fact Cas very possibly died there, as Dean must have told himself time and again during those long months) is Dean’s fault. Dean forced him to fight the Leviathans even when Cas was unable and unwilling to fight at all. And going further back (as Dean surely did, because he’s just wired that way and thinks everything is always his fault), Cas opened Purgatory in the first place because Dean refused to help him. Cas became a target for Raphael because he chose Dean over Heaven.

Cas was marked for death because Dean asked for his help, and Cas said yes.

So, well.

And we also know how painful and difficult it is for Dean to acknowledge any kind of feeling, and something like this - prayers which at some point surely included I’d do everything different if I could go back and I miss you so damn much and I can’t go on without you and even I don’t know if you ever loved me back, but Cas - well, the one good thing about getting them off his chest is that Cas heard them, and now Dean’s found Cas, and Cas is alive and he knows Dean loves him and maybe they can -

And Cas is not happy to see him. Cas stands there with his back straight and his hands by his sides as Dean hugs him. Cas allows Dean to touch his cheek, just barely, a look of complete rejection on his face.

And then Cas chooses to remain in Purgatory.

So, yeah, I know we’ve talked about what a seesaw their relationship is before, but every goddamn time I see one of these Purgatory gifs it just hits me all over again - how this was Dean’s You can’t stay moment. How he’d just dared to express something he’d so rarely expressed before and - in his view - got rejected, once again.

Honestly, it’s just -

oh my god. imagine benny back in purgatory after taxi driver. seeking out new-to-town monsters, becoming their friend, asking about dean’s doing, if they know. he finds a djinn mother and son who tell him they last saw dean with sam and a redheaded woman. “charlie,” benny realizes. dean told him about her, how he thinks of her as a sister and secretly wants to see her again.

two different werewolves remark on dean’s stunning strength and capability. that’s not surprising to benny, who fought side-by-side with dean and witnessed his ruthless determination to find his friend.

a small clan of other vampires swear that boy is something inhuman.

a shapeshifter tells benny his master captured dean, wanted him as part of his collection. the shapeshifter doesn’t know why - he’s only a grunt - and benny really starts to worry.

another vampire tells benny about the mark of cain. benny isn’t ashamed to say he began to cry

“oh, brother, what have you gotten yourself into?”


THE SUPERNATURAL GIF CHALLENGE | deanwnchestcr vs. winnschottjr
round twenty-three | favorite story lines | that year in purgatory

It was bloody, messy. 31 flavors of bottom dwelling nasties. Hell, most days felt like 360 degree combat. But there was something about being there… It felt pure.