All i remmeber from 2013 is thirstfollowing this serial killer fandom girl who was really big on columbine and i knew that serial killer fandoms are fucking stupid but i still sorta talked to her i was like “Hey you know doom” and she didnt know like, nothing about doom, she musta scanned the columbine wikipedia article like 100 times and she knew nothing about doom i think that was her downwards spiral for me

A couple of people have politely asked to descend into my fic spirals with me—which, OK, your funeral and all–

so my bookmarks on AO3 are here and the delicious trove I have been nostalgia spelunking in is here. My fic lj got deleted back when because who’s even on lj anymore so I lost that nostalgia cave. This is where I have been for the past month or so.

In other news, being back in academia has been rough. I am not coping all that well.

Oct 22.2016

I’m drinking a Smirnoff Ice at 3:47 in the morning lol what has my life become and where will it downward spiral take me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m probably going to drink half this cooler and feel drunk tbh. Haven’t eaten in a few hours.

I don’t want to think anymore or feel anymore. I mean I want to feel something but that doesn’t seem to be happening any time soon. I’m tired of everything. I don’t wana do this anymore. Why can’t I even cry? I don’t want to end up like those people who just drink away their problems but like I also feel like I deserve this suffering?? Like this should be the route I take in life since I’m so trash anyway. Actually no. That’s a lie. I don’t feel like trash cause I know I’m not trash but for some fucking reason I want to be trash cause I feel like that’s who I should be and would be easier to just be a failure in life and just grieve and complain and die and death is easier than working hard in this life.

This is hella depressing. If you’re reading this Jenny, know that I didn’t want to talk to you on the phone about this cause I was out in public and if I talked about it I would have 100% cried and I don’t want people around me to see, ya feel me? I don’t want you to worry.

Where did this depression come from tbh. Like my depression has been pretty tame for a few yrs but this is like…almost a new low for me. Never felt this shitty about life and my future.

Why am I so weak. I run into problems and my solution is to literally die. Fuck. I feel like I’m going insane.


when ppl ask why do you have three rings on ur ring finger and you’re like “I have three husbands, duh!”


Me: time to draw for some of my other fandoms!

Brain: ok but make it adrienette

Me: why??

Brain: you gotta :^)

Me: shit ur right