An Aquarius looked at me, and smiled. She places a hand on my cheek and said, “I’ve watched people come and go out of my life, and here I am hoping you’d be different..”
An Aries looked at me, she slowly inched herself closer to me. Planted a kiss on my lips and said, “I hate you’re so damn emotional. I hate you for reading me like a book, but my god, you make me so damn vulnerable.”
A Cancer looked at me and smiled. She slowly sat up and placed herself ontop of me, looking down at me. She grabbed both of my hands and squeezed it softly and said, “You’re the one. I can feel it, and I’m serious…”
A Capricorn placed her cigarette back in the ashtray and looked at me, she slowly grabbed my arm and wrapped it around her and scooted herself closer and smiled at me and said, “I would never want you to let go of me.. Got it?”
A Gemini rubbed her butt on my crotch. A smile on her face. She turned around and asked for a kiss, then suddenly she pushed after it got heated and said, “Promise me, you’ll only look at me. Even when I’m distant, come and find me.”
A Leo looked at me and gaze into my eyes and said, “You’re always listening to me talk about myself. How about you start tonight because I’ve been dying to know about your day. Let’s start about our secrets. I’ll go first. I hate being a Leo..” She laughed at how silly the secret was and she kissed me and said she was just playing, and was going to tell me a real secret. We laid and talked, and we opened up a new level in our relationship. Trust.
A Libra came crawling to me and placed herself between my legs, she falls over and rests her head on my chest and smiled at me. We stayed like this for minutes and we talked about her work and how her day was, and did nothing but talked the whole night.
A Pisces laughed and slowly sat up, she sat ontop of me and grabbed my hands and kissed them softly. She smiled down at me, squeezing my hands in hers. Suddenly tears rolled down her cheek, but she laughed softly and said, “I don’t know what to feel around you, but they’re good. They’re good feelings and you.. you bring out the best in me.”
A Sagittarius rubbed my back as we laid in silence. Then suddenly she lets out a sigh and played with my hair and said, “I don’t know what to do with you. You make me think too much, and I can’t stop. You make me crazy, you stupid fool.” She laughed and continued to play with my hair.
A Scorpio turned to me one night and whispered enough for me to hear, “I love you. I know I don’t say it to you as much, and I know you. You need reassurance every day, and I’m sorry that I don’t know how to express myself like you want me to, but.. I love you, so very much. I just want you to know that you’re the best gift life has given me, and I appreciate you. I love you.” She then leaned down to kiss my cheek and then slowly punched my back playfully. “You asshole..” she giggles.
A Taurus rested her head on my chest as I played with her hair. Suddenly she began to talk about how we met, and how she saw me and fell in love with me completely. How she was eager to show me into her world and bring a part of me that no one has ever seen out. She laughed and slowly inched closer to kiss my chin, and continued on talking about us. The Past. The Present. And our future together.
A Virgo pulled away from my arms, a soft smile on her face. She looks at me and then settles back into my arms and we stared at each other for what seemed like hours. She kissed my nose and said, “You only get to feel this once. Different in forms, but this, this is only once in a lifetime and you better not let me go, you hear me?”
I feel so sick and I’m gonna pretend that it’s because of the alcohol and not you, and the fact that the lips on my neck tonight weren’t yours.
Everything I did with him should have been you, and now he’s attached and I’m still hurting and everyone’s cheering because someone else just took off their top , and all I can think about is how fucking in love with you I am, and how if you were here maybe I wouldn’t be sitting in a room with a bunch of half naked drunk teenagers,
And I guess I kept hoping you’d turn up and we could talk about the future and how you want to die just to find a way to come back alive again
But you never did turn up,
So I let him do what he wanted to do to me,
Because for once I just wanted to feel some affection,
Even if it wasn’t from you.
This is how I’ll love you: like the night sky holding on to her brightest stars so they won’t fall, like a lighthouse safely guiding her sailors home, like a flower rising toward her sun, like the wave gently lapping against her shore, like a flame igniting, burning herself over and over again for the one she loves.
This is how you’ll love me: from a distance, close enough to touch, but never close enough to let yourself get hurt. Never close enough to let me in. Walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around your feelings like there was a way for you to avoid catching them.
This is how we’ll end: I ask you to meet me halfway, but you never show up. I ask you to tell me what you want but you never know yourself. I ask you to let me go because I cannot stay for someone who does not know for sure if he wants me to. So we end how we began. But, tell me, if there was no beginning, how can there ever be an end? If all we did was go in circles, how can we stop?
It’s never too late to want to see what life could offer, to look forward each day, to live, and to make the best out of your time. It’s never too late to listen to your passion, to find out where it wants you to be, to let it consume you, and to let it make you happy. It’s never too late to step out of your comfort zone, or even to find out what your comfort zone actually looks like if you don’t know yet. It’s never too late to do and try new things and to drop what’s been holding you down. Do not let the amount of time you’ve spent suffering in the dark make you believe that you don’t deserve to see and finally live in the light. You are out of the darkness for a reason–trust it and find out what it is.
I don’t hate you. I’m not angered or bitter about the way we put an ending to the things we shared. I just feel hurt. More than I’m ever going to openly admit to you. But as much as it hurts now, I know that I will get to a day where it doesn’t matter anymore. I will get to a day where I bid you farewell and keep you away in a place where you can’t hurt me anymore. That’s a place I want to reside in. A safe place. A place where my heart isn’t freefalling into the pit of my stomach for you. A place where I can heal at my own pace and stop worrying about all the ways in which you’ve mastered the act of moving on before me. It feels like a contest. Who can forget quicker and you are winning at that. I am tired of dragging my feet towards places where my knees only know how to grow weak. I am tired of fighting you. I don’t want to fight you anymore in this. I have loved you and I have lost you but in some strange ways, I have won. I am braver than I was before, more resilient about love, less naive than I used to be, less scared because I know that heartache isn’t something people die from. I’m not afraid of trying again. Someday I will.
What i’m learning is that growth is ugly.
It’s not bubble baths and self-help books that teach you how to love yourself.
It’s fighting, kicking and screaming against the self-doubt that weighs you down.
It’s panicking at the possibility of failure while still moving forward anyway.
It’s slowly peeling out of your skin and feeling the tenderness of a touch without armor.
The process of growth is ugly, but it’s the product that makes it worthwhile.
This is for the quiet girls. The ones who sit with their fingers intertwined or sleeves tucked inside their thumbs. The ones who speak with their eyes more than their words. These are the girls you don’t notice, but they notice you. They watch you snicker about people’s insecurities and doubts. They know who you secretly admire. They know about the secrets you try to hide, but for them are in plain sight. They still keep their mouth shut anyways, because they know how it feels to be thrown in the spotlight when all you want to do is dream in the shadows.
This is for the artificial girls. The ones who change themselves every so often to fit in. The ones who run from themselves, because they are afraid of being one thing. The ones who struggle with accepting who they are, because their minds have been infected with society’s standards of what it means to be pretty or normal. The ones who are brilliant at hiding their battles and scars. They will never show you that it hurt what you said. They are intriguing souls that once you got to know, you are bound to get lost in them.
This is for the independent girls. The ones who boldly accept that they are their own person. The ones with the fiery or extremely cold eyes. The ones who are not afraid to use their voice. The ones who are constantly being judged by sexist individuals for demanding what they deserve. The ones you know of, but are too intimidated to ask for their names. The ones who replace the word, ’fear’, with the word, ‘challenge’. They are the role models I strive to be.
This is for the wild girls. The ones who live for cheap thrills. The ones who crash too hard and run on fumes. These are the girls who wear their hearts on their sleeves. They turn reality into fiction. They know the difference between infatuation and love, even though sometimes the two become blurred. They love with their whole heart, and are too good for anybody. They can also ruin you with a single touch, if they chose to. They burn brighter than the sun, so stay away if you can’t handle it.
This is for the good girls. The ones who know how to say ‘no’, but choose not to do it. The ones who often feel like they don’t quite belong with the rest of the world, because they don’t do things that typically the people of their age group are doing. The ones who never get enough credit. Stars burn inside of their wrists and honey spills from their mouth when they speak. These are the girls you’d fall in love with if you dared.
This is for the heartbroken girls. The ones who constantly try to take away the pain of others by injuring themselves. The ones who feel that they are not enough in anything that they do, even though they do more than enough. They are the ones who give deep advice when you need it. The ones who are hungry to have a life that is so full of love and happiness that it leaves them starving. They are remarkable poets in disguise.
This is for the girls who exist too much or too little. You are much needed.
This is for all the girls who walk this planet. You are much valued.
We grew up naive, thinking the fighting had already been done for us.
Thinking the generations before us fought so that we wouldn’t have to. But we’re seeing now that just because people die out doesn’t mean their hateful ideas do. We’re seeing now that it is our turn to stand up and fight. That maybe there will always be a fight to be had, but still we fight. We fight for ourselves, for those who have fought before us, and for those who will fight after us.
We don’t back down.