“Maybe loving him feels like wearing your favorite shoes for a long time.” she said. “Spending time with them for years, until it doesn’t fit anymore. Until you couldn’t wear it any longer, no matter how much you wanted to.”

Loving someone, Hurting yourself // ma.c.a

Ask yourself what you want to do in your life. Not what you want to achieve eventually, not what the result should look like. Just think about what process would bring you joy. How do you want your life to look like, your mornings, your afternoons, your evenings? How do you want to spend your time? Stop chasing one achievement after the other, this will lead you, for the most part of your life, nowhere you want to be.

I didn’t have the greatest day today but something I’m so proud of is that I didn’t let the bad things that happen ruin my day. I am as happy and in love with the world as when I woke up because I chose not to let the bad things phase me. You have so much power over how you take in stimuli and chose to react to it! Your car breaks down, so what! It happens to most people, don’t stress, pull over safely and do what you have to do! Someone yells at you. Know that their behaviour is on them! You don’t know what’s going on in their life and you don’t have to take on what they say! Chose what you let effect you and what goes over your head. Chose carefully and grow, be the better person, show more love, compassion. Be the one with the cool head and let life be easier. It doesn’t have to be so hard if you laugh it off and flow with it.

Sometimes I think ‘I want to quit this job,’ ‘I want to leave this relationship,’ ‘why did I move here?’ But then I remember I literally prayed for this. I knew it’d be hard sometimes, obviously, because everything is. But I wanted this so bad I was willing to do anything and I swore that if I ever got it I’d do everything I could to make it worth it and I’d never complain. And that doesn’t mean walking away.

read this when ur sober

  1. does it feel good to hide from yourself? because that’s the only thing i see sometimes— someone that’s terrified to look both ways before crossing the road, but yet you’re still jaywalking and some how i still managing to keep you safe
  2. everytime when you’re incoherent, you tell me the sweetest things. and although it brings me great joy, it’s not the same by the time you’re out of drinks
  3. you only love me when you’re fucked up, baby, that’s fucked up
  4. sometimes i want to run away with you, but sometimes i find myself running from you instead
  5. it’s hard to talk to you when you’re not yourself. when was the last time you felt alive without anything to alter your state of mind? is being alive not enough for you? does being close to death make you feel a certain thrill that i can’t provide?
  6. you are precise and straight to the point, but when i see you stumbling out of the taxi— my heart breaks for you. you don’t even remember why i’m crying
  7. i was told at a young age that when two people are in love, someone is bound to love the other person more. the person who loves less holds the most power, isn’t that ironic? the older i get, the more i understand the saying. it’s not that they have any real power, the other person just wants to love, so they’re willing to sacrifice anything to just see that one person smile. even if it’s hell on earth, at least i’m walking through it with you
  8. it’s unfortunate, when i think about love— i think about the way you say my name when you’re too drunk to make any sense. i wish you had half of that passion when you’re awake and sober. why are you so cold and distant when it comes to us? why do you even bother?
  9. people aren’t more honest when they’re intoxicated. they simply just don’t give a fuck. lately, i’ve been running out of fucks to give myself
  10. you know we sat at the beach one night and you were resting your head on my lap— we stayed there the whole night. i didn’t want that moment to ever end. but it did. and you woke up with the sun. you were at peace with the world, the things that you made me feel in those tiny moments, it felt great knowing that i stayed up all night just watching you dream under every star that granted my wish that just maybe, this one— i have something that was all mine
  11. you can call me selfish, but i’ll call you reckless. you’re running out of excuses and i’ve ran out of patience a long time ago. the clocks have stopped working, but we’ve aged twice the time. how many more hours will we miss because you’re too wasted to care about anything, but overindulgence and guilty pleasures?
  12. if this is how love begins, i don’t know if i even want things to continue
  13. you’re soft to me even when you’re hard on yourself. the small sliver of hope swallowed by the darkness of the night
  14. you drink twice as much on a full moon— you’re distracting yourself from the reality that one day i won’t be here
  15. if you manage to read this while i’m still around, while i’m still loving you
  16. don’t confront me about it.
  17. because i’m going to tell you the exact same thing as when we first met
  18. love me when you’re sober

🌿 Dear future self, this is a reminder how to handle yourself. I hope these help:

  • don’t let yourself be idle for so many hours, there’s a big tendency you’ll overthink and it will lead to crying
  • if you ever feel so down, remember there are days when you are at rock bottom but you survived them all alone.
  • don’t sleep too much. i know what you’re trying to escape and sleeping all day is not the best option to get rid of that.
  • your body is okay. your face is okay. your height is okay. your appearance is okay
  • refrain from comparing yourself negatively to whatever advantages you see from the others. you are as blessed as they are.
  • if you feel like there’s no one who cares for you, just pray. because you’re really not alone.
  • your old self is proud of you; of what you have accomplished, of what you have done to remain living. especially the little things, you are very much appreciated.
  • do what you can do. and if you fail, then don’t blame yourself. there are things not meant for you even if you think your life will be better with them.
  • stay humble and share your blessings. you tend to be more motivated when you help others and you hear them say thank you.
  • allow yourself to calm down, it helps you release the tension and anxiety.
  • when you want something, wait for days, months, years before you decide that you really want them. you make bad decisions because you tend to be so caught up in the moment.
  • it’s alright to feel bad, to feel like you’re not doing enough. but don’t let the bad thoughts stay. try to write them down and talk about it with someone you trust. you’ll feel better.
  • there are so many things but here’s what you should never forget: I will always love you no matter what.

And this is exactly why I don’t like to get close to people. I hate opening myself up to people who are just going to leave, I hate picking the scabs of my past just so you can understand why I am the way I am. I have grown tired of all of it so, please just leave me be.

hardly worth the hassle, 9/20

Maybe it’s something in the air
Or the darkness of your eyes
But it’s twisting all my feelings
And this love seems full of lies.
I don’t know who I am.
Have I ever been alone?
I plant saplings in my garden
But the weeds are overgrown.
I’m scratching off my skin
And ripping out my hair 
But so is everyone I know
It’s something in the air.
—  Grazia Curcuru

I am weak, but my love is strong—

I remember when I didn’t have to worry if you’d be there or not. The sayings are true. Do not take people for granted. The ship sinks when you’re alone, the flowers die without the sun. The rain writes another story through the storm, how will we ever find happiness if we’re looking for it in the past? The present is empty and scared, sometimes I think that I might end up dead. It appears that these are my loneliest thoughts, it appears that these are my loneliest days. Dare I say, dare I may— you held my heart in the center of your palms and watched the sinners parade. I remember the day when you spoke my growth into existence, always the positive bits of me. You hold my emotions with such high regards, so when I fall— I come crashing down and everything burns in my wake. I’m full of anger, but I’m calm when you’re smiling. I can’t lie about the rage, the sure way of defeat— my anxiety will eventually get the best of me. I’m full of flaws, a map that can’t help us home. Where is home, my love? Where are you, darling? The saddest songs were made from your used to be happiness. I never got used to seeing you leave, so when you finally decided to leave, I think a part of me went with you too. Let’s just stargaze and watch the universe go back to sleep tonight. Even if it’s a dream within a dream— at least it’s something that I’m willing to live with. And if we are no more by tomorrow, I’ll find my way back to you.

-Ghosts Dream-

You ghosts

where are your joy?

not a single legit smile

all but heavy hearts

just passing me by

you hurt me with your sadness

throwing me into silence

abandon me into wailing

I know love & hate

I know pain & hopelessness

and I know all of them combined

but you’re too much

for a heavy burden

too much

for a dry desert

heaven must send rain

or this ghosts will remain

they mock my heart

enjoying the drought

they’re playing the sun

shooting anger to the sky

maybe I’ll drown them alive

or burn them with fire but

perhaps, I just have to open my eyes

//Me To You//