When I fell in love with you, I also fell for the drama, for the unrequited feelings and the thought of “what if?”. For the hours of making up conversations which will only ever exist in my head, for soppy lovesongs and heartbroken poetry.
I fell for waking up with a smile after a night full of dreams about you, for whispering my secrets into the sea and for admiring you from afar, considering that you have no idea of what is going on in my mind.
// I fell for you and everything that comes with it
There aren’t much stars to tiptoe on, instead we drink what our throats can massage our brain’s walls with dreams of better days, where storms didn’t tie knots of perplexed anxieties, only the sun swallowing wine stained eyes, turning them into clouds shaped of puppies, or turtles. Of dragon warriors with fairies sprinkling insomnia away. Of castles on a hill where blades of grass pinched our skin to our rattled bones it almost showed distance a greener pasture in another space. Where our I love you’s were a clean slate, instead of a scandalous monologue, it was poetry’s figment of extraordinary.
And I knew better than to count the cracks where the sidewalk cut itself so lost plants can sprout possibilities, I knew better to watch my reflection ripple the consequences I tried to blur in the water; my hands washed the red out of roses so your cheeks can blush them, my hair paved a way to cushion my doubts from growing out their rooted commentaries, the moon was full of the dreams it collected from my subconsciousness, your name clawed volcanoes to erupt sense, because I knew this made sense. This made perfect sense, I forced a miracle out of the mistake they said I would make, because they thought hell glared infernos in your eyes, but if they looked close enough there, heaven’s light was your shade of brown, your halo forged of bravery, you used your wings to hale my scars still bleeding past conspiracies, you are my purest intention to love the way society saw it as a vermin, as a roach, a pest, a good for nothing firework bombing a scattered reality of my unwillingness to listen.
Because if I listen, I’d hear what I want to prove them was wrong over sirens coming for me, that this was an emergency, an accident I needed help or saving from all the bruises that aren’t there yet, but they know I will get if I kept thinking for a second that this will take me to my destination on the right track, to my happy ending expectations, of you not on a white horse, but a bus with only the blue sweater I gave you last January as your most stealthy armor. You and I battled tsunami curses, and quaking misfortunes, I’m not scared of the hurricane’s eye rolling at me with undignified scoffing. I’ve went through hell; you were my only sight of an afterlife worth living.
I listened to a song I used to love today, and was reminded of you. For four minutes, I was immersed in waves of missing you that seemed to crash only around my body. I felt like I did then, but four minutes wasn’t enough. I had felt a touch of your memory, and I needed more. So I looked through the pictures I had of us. I saw evidence that we were in fact alive at the same time; that I wasn’t dreaming it up. Your nose, your mostly green eyes, and your hand on mine; all real.
Make it a point to fall in love every single day.
Fall in love with strangers and family and friends.
Fall in love with books and movies and songs.
Fall in love with neighbourhood cafes and abandoned parks and old libraries.
Fall in love with lazy mornings and busy afternoons and quiet nights.
Fall in love with small towns and big cities and deserted beaches
There is so much anger and hatred in this world.
So make sure you remember to fall in love.
We broke up, but the sky is still blue, we broke up, but the sun is still setting, we broke up, but the birds are still singing, we broke up, but everything is still the same. Well, my heart wants to die, but everything else feels the same. Well, my mind can’t find the answers to the questions that keep wandering through it, but everything is still the same. Well, my stomach will forget what it feels like to eat, but it’s okay. Losing myself in music and alcohol, losing myself in cigarettes and tears, long nights of screaming in pillow, long days of faking the smile.
We broke up, but whatever, yeah? I always knew that everything happens for a reason, I just have to live with it, because someday it will get better. I should just fake a smile, pretend to be okay, never cry in front of somebody, be positive, be strong.
And I used to go back to those familiar places. The place where we first met, the place where we first kissed, that coffee shop we’d always go to as the afternoon came to an end.
And it felt so strange, so strange.
I could see the same places, same people, I could feel the same chill in the air, I could hear the same sounds, my favorite coffee still had the same taste.
It really felt as though nothing had changed, when in reality, everything had.