All us damaged people really want is to be fixed for awhile..A pill, a hit, a shot of whiskey or a someone to fill our cracked edges with gold and for just a moment in the universe..haziness sets in and we can feel nothing but joy.
Excerpt from a pill, a hit, a shot of whiskey or a stranger’s kiss
Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 Words: 5.5k Genre: Angst, Multiple Personality!Au Summary: Jeon Jungkook is a puzzle with too many missing pieces from his past and too many sides. Somehow, it’s become your job to solve him. → Inspired by the Korean Drama - Kill Me Heal Me Warnings: Topics of mental health, mentions of death and medical disorders. Disclaimer: Although this piece of work required lots of in-depth research and was attempted to be as accurate as possible, at the end of the day, I am not a psychologist and this is fanfiction. Please take all medical terminologies and procedures with a grain of salt.
“You need us.” “Jungkook.” “We’re only trying to help you.”
He bolts straight up, only to fall off the mattress and onto the hard ground. The thin, cardinal curtains are closed, trickles of sunlight pouring in and painting the unfamiliar room in a hue of crimson. His head is pounding and his eyes are swollen; he doesn’t know where he is or who he is.
i’m honestly pathetic. it’s weekend after weekend after weekend, getting high or drunk or both, just to numb the pain. just to forget about you, even if it’s just for a few minutes. it’s getting into different car after different car, and with a different boy each time. it’s kiss after meaningless kiss, desperately trying to find somone’s lips that burn brighter than yours. it’s pointless conversation after pointless conversation with anyone who gave me a second look. it’s hour after hour after hour of not sleeping because you’re still in my fucking dreams, every time i close my eyes, you’re rigt there, tattooed on the inside on my eyelids. it’s pill after pill, trying to take away the pain, but i think that this pain is different from the one it’s prescribed for. it’s shot after shot, vodka smoldering my insides, trying to replicate the flame we had when we first met. it’s line after line, slurring my words, stumbling across the floor, mind fucking spinning but still somehow managing to focus on you. it’s the same fucking shit over and over and now it’s not working, maybe it never even did. or maybe i’m addicted. but i’d rather be addicted to drugs because in the end you are way worse for me than drugs will ever be.
it’s 2:32 and i’m the only one awake at a party.
“Look at me. (Y/N), look at me right now!” Tate raised his voice. My vision is clouded by the build up of tears. I glance up at Tate. His eyes darker than the darkest of darks. He makes the gesture of placing his hand against my cheek but I flinch away in fear.
“Tate,” I hesitate on my words due to the amount of restraining from crying I’m containing. “I-”
“I love you too.” he says almost instantly.
“Yes, Tate, I love you but I have to go-”
“No, (Y/N), please. Don’t leave me. Please stay. Stay with me,” he begs. Once again making the gesture to caress my face, I give in and trust him. He brushes his lips against mine. “Tate, I don’t have a choice. I’m sorry, I have to go…” a tear slipped from my eye and dropped onto Tate’s shirt. He shook his head from side to side. He shoves his hand into the pocket of his jeans and pulls out a bottle of prescription drugs and a plastic bag of another substance of drugs. I narrow my eyebrows. He nervously pops the bottle open and spills the pills into his hand.
“We can be together forever. Just you and me. In this house forever. We can grow old together and be happy-”
“You want us to commit suicide?” Yes, the idea has come across my mind quite frequently and I’ve attempted it once before but I never actually wanted it to be intentional. I really do love Tate and I don’t want to leave him here. He is the darkest light in my darkness. As much as that doesn’t make sense, it’s true. I’m attracted to the darkness and that’s what he is. I’m scared of him. He scares me and I love him for it. He’s a psychopath and I’m crazy in love with him. I’m crazy for him as he is for me. “Yeah, you know what? Okay, I’ll do it.” I nodded my head and took the bag from his hands. His nervous smile turned into a smile that was unexpected for him. A real smile.
“I’ll run the bath…” I notified him and left the room. Stepping foot outside of my bedroom and bolted down the hall and down the stairs as fast as I could.
“MOM!” I’m panicking. “DAD! WHERE ARE YOU?!” I’m running and I’m panting. My lungs feel as if they’re shrivelling up as my breathing becomes hitched. I bust through the front door and struggle to open the gate that guides the house. I make a run for it down the street. “SOMEBODY HELP!” I run and I-
“(Y/N),” Tate sighs. I look around. I’m back in my room.
“What the hell?” I rush back downstairs and through the front door, leaving the house again.
“(Y/N)!” Tate says my name once more as I find myself back in the house.
“No, no, no!” I try to leave again. I come back. I leave again. I end up back at the house. “This can’t be happening, Tate, what the hell did you do?!” I’m out of breath from sobbing and attempting to run away. I need to leave. I try once more.
Making yet another exit from the house a pair of hands violently grasps my arm and strongly pins me to the wall. Before I got the chance to scream a hand is placed upon my mouth. I breathe heavily and scream as loud as I could even with my mouth closed shut. Scared to death, my chest raises up and down at a rapid speed as my heart thumbs loudly against it.
“Shh, shh,” I’m shaken and shoved up against the wall at an even stronger force. “(Y/N), it’s okay it’s just me.” Tate removed his hand from my mouth.
“DON’T FUCKING SCARE ME LIKE THAT!” I roughly pressed my hands against his chest and pushed him off of me. I leaned my back up on the all and slowly let myself fall to the floor. I begin to hyperventilate while crying hysterically. “Why do I keep running around like a crazy person? And why can’t I leave?” I look up at Tate who has a look on his face I’ve never seen before and that was sorrow. He’s never felt anything until I came along. I’ve made him feel something. Emotions. Emotions he’s never been able to express or feel before. Barely being able to see his eyes, blocked by his messy blonde locks, his build up with tears
“I’ve been trying to tell you but-”
“Tell me WHAT?!” I stand up defensively.
“What is it, Tate? Spit it out. Don’t bullshit me.” I push him again.
“Come.” Tate takes my hand and clenches it tight. He guides me down to the basement, through some doors, and down the halls. It’s dark and I’m exhausted. “Tate, where are you taking me?” I asked him, terrified. He stopped and pointed to a ditch that his flashlight shined on.
“Is that?… Is that me?!” I gasp and cover my mouth with my hand. I glanced down at my decomposing body, disgusted and in disbelief, I began to panic again. “No, no!” I cried. Tate made it his duty to comfort me. I pushed him away once again.
“What the hell happened, Tate? Did you drug me or something? I don’t remember dying!” I yell at him, consumed with rage.
“No, (Y/N) of course not! You attempted suicide and took too many pills. I tried to save you. I dragged you into the tub with me and made you puke some out but it was no use. It was too late.” Tears fell from Tate’s eyes. “I’m so sorry, (Y/N). I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? That I had died?”
“I don’t know… I thought it’d be better if we died together. So you wouldn’t feel alone.” Tate shrugged his shoulders and sniffled. We walked back upstairs in silence.
“So, looks like I’m not going anywhere…” I gave him a weak smile. “And I guess I’m stuck with you in this house forever.” The weak smile turned into a smirk. He chuckled and smirked back at me.
“Tate,” I said.
“For what?” He says, obviously confused.
“Attempting to save my life.” I said making unbreakable eye contact with him. We stood there for a moment. “Because I know saving lives isn’t exactly what you do…”
“I tried. I really did. I care about your feelings more than I care about mi-”
“Don’t say that, Tate. My life wasn’t going to be worth living anyways. I had nothing going for me. All I had was-”
“You.” Tate and I said at the same time. I nodded and smiled as my cheeks flushed red.
Tate brushed my hair behind my ear and pressed his lips to mine. He kisses me ever so softly and passionately. Running my hands through his hair, I kiss him back. Tate’s hands ghost down my body and up my shirt. His hands against my skin caused chills down my spine.
“You’re the only light I’ve ever known.” Tate pulls away for a splint second to pierce those words into my skull with his lips and the black holes that are his eyes staring back at me. Without saying a word, my eyes said everything for him to comprehend. I loved him and he loved me. There was no escaping one another.
Tate playfully throws me onto my bed. He hovers over me and kisses me hard. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down. I tug on the collar of his shirt as I kiss him roughly.
“You make me a little less miserable.” He says with a smirk.
It was humid and dark outside around 3:30 am at Wayne manor, no stars shown through the thick clouds and smog. You would think that when it’s humid, the air would smell fresh and clean, but not here. The air smelled stale and compressed, like it was trying to suffocate you, but didn’t put in enough effort to actually succeed.
The house was quiet and dark, empty and silent. The halls were eerily quiet and no shadows were cast on the walls because the moon was buried deep behind the seemingly millions of layers of smoke. It was pitch black and silent, except for one room. The light in your bathroom was on and barely audible cries came out muffled through your hands as you sat on the floor next to the sink.
A razor covered in thick, red, fresh, blood sat in the sink along with all of your soul, poured out of your body with your blood, as well as your will to live, and by the bottle of pills spilled all over the floor, you already knew this, yet the house stayed silent, as if it was holding its breath, awaiting your next move.
Your warm hands on my neck
I know it’s the pastel pill
Your breathe, burning as you speak
I am sure it’s the pastel pill
Those ocean eyes looked at mine
Deeply, I stared back
Oh, it was the pastel pill
Fingers of yours traced my lips
Gently pulled me, bitter and sweet pleasure
Pastel pill, pastel pill
“Is it too late, my love?”
You exhaled the words
I can taste that pastel pill
On your mouth, with your words, and in my chest
Ha, I took that pastel pill
For you are my drug
And we are running out of pill.
Quit telling me to stop getting fucked up, if it weren’t for you maybe I’d be happy without downing a cup. This blunt is clouding the view of your hands on my waist, these pills are relieving my heart of this incredulous weight and this vodka is drowning my sadness and replacing it with hate. Don’t call me and tell me I’m wasting my youth, and please, don’t ask me to stay sober; because all my sober thoughts are of you.
Notes: just a little cheer up quickie for @hornsonmysoul, because ily, be nice to yourself (loosely based off what I remember of the episode ‘99 problems’ with the whore of babylon, I know this doesn’t really work with the timeline of it but anyway)
“What’s with the angel passed out on the bed?”
Dean pulled his jacket off and tossed it over the back of a chair, eyeing Cas spread out on one bed on top of the comforter, trench coat and shoes still on.
“He showed up drunk.”
On the small couch, hunched over an old book, Sam didn’t even bother to look up at Dean.
“What, seriously? He can even get drunk?”
Sighing, Sam ran a hand through his hair and finally sat back, looking at Dean. “He said he drank a whole liquor store. I think he might have meant that literally.”
Dean pulled a dingy glass down from a kitchenette cupboard and filled it with tap water. “Man, what is up with him.”
“He called me stupid when I asked if he was ok.”
“I mean, it’s kind of obvious he’s not.”
Setting the water down on the table, Dean moved to root through a duffel bag at the end of the couch, pulling out a bottle of aspirin.
“Taking a minute to get his head on.”
Passing the couch, Dean patted Sam on the arm and his brother leaned into it before settling back quietly over his book. Picking up the water, Dean took the aspirin over to the bed and sat down hard, bouncing the mattress.
Cas was dead to the world.
“Maybe you should let him sleep,” Sam said.
“Maybe you should mind your business.”
The bitch face he got for that was reassuring. Things’d be fine between them. Always were.
As the sun now starts to peek, I realize another night is spent awake.
How do I describe my own dismay to the decisions I chose to make?
I wish it all away, I simply wish it to be gone.
The emptiness left inside, I wish it would rise with the new dawn.
Request: Joe’s younger sister has been taking diet pills because some fans have been saying horrible things about her and Jack finds them and helps her come off them?
As you sat in your room, reading the comments about you that were online, you thought about yourself. Being a Sugg was difficult for you. Both Zoe and Joe were gorgeous, they were decently popular within school and now were probably the two most watched people on the internet. You had so much pressure on you to be as creative, funny and good looking as the two of them but you just couldn’t figure out how to do that.
Since it was your last year of university, you were trying to figure out what you were going to do with your degree in film-making. You knew you wanted to do something that would change the world one day but you couldn’t figure out how to do that. You were about to look up potential countries to visit to gain inspiration when yet another “fan” tweeted about you.
“I just don’t understand how (y/n) is part of the Sugg Squad; she’s not as pretty as Zoe or as funny as Joe…maybe she’s adopted?”
You laughed slightly at that one because it made you think about all the times Joe would try to convince you that you were adopted but you knew better than that. It was the comment of someone else that really got to you.
“She was probably adopted from a Sumo Wrestler; those thighs could kill.”
As you stared at the comment, you couldn’t shake the feeling. No, you were overweight but no, you didn’t have a thigh gap. You were perfectly healthy for your age and height but people on the internet didn’t care about that; you were the Sugg that everyone hated and you were the Sugg who got all the shit.
“Screw this.” You said, closing your laptop and heading over to your bathroom.
You reached into the cupboard and pulled out a bottle of pills. You bought diet pills after your first year of university since the Freshman 15 turned into Freshman 50. You knew the pills were the only way to help you lose the weight since you were always too busy with school to focus on anything else. You continued to take them every once in a while when you were feeling really insecure and they always seemed to help. So you unscrewed the cap and pulled one out.
You jumped at the sound of a voice and watched as the pills fell all over the floor.
“Jack? What are you doing here?” You watched as he leaned down and picked up the empty bottle.
“What are you doing with these?”
“It’s no big deal.” You said, snatching the bottle of out his hand.
You began to clean up all the spilled pills before heading back into your bedroom. You sat back on your bed, opened your laptop and continued on your way.
“You don’t need them.” Jack said, as he leaned against the bathroom door-frame. His arms were folded against his chest and his eyes were directed at the floor. “Those comments mean nothing; you shouldn’t focus on them.”
“It’s hard when I’m the ‘Shit Sugg’.”
“Hey,” He said, coming over to you. He pulled the laptop from in front of you and placed his hands on your crossed legs.
Jack has always been someone you can talk to. He might come off as a jerk but he’s definitely your best friend so no matter what the topic of conversation is, you know he’s going to be there for you.
“They just don’t know you but what they do know, is that you’re not going to fight back; you’re just going to sit in your room and take it. Which isn’t a bad thing but you can’t let it get to you this much; you’re beautiful. The way your eyes light up the room when you smile, the way your laugh makes everyone around you laugh, the way you care so much about your siblings and even your friends, the way you’ll drop anything at any time if one of us needs help on a video; those are all things those people don’t see.”
“They don’t see the (y/n) we know and love.” He wrapped his arms around, pulling you closer to him. “You’re perfect.”
Request- Hii! So I have an idea for a imagine. the readers boyfriend is tyler Joseph but the reader is very suicidal and cutting themselves. Tyler finds out later that the reader is doing that and so Tyler tries to help the reader and stop the reader from trying to suicide and hurt themseves. Don’t forget to put soooo much fluff at the end. P.s. this might be a horrible prompt.p.p.s I really like ur fan fiction.
A/N- This was a good prompt, hope you liked it. Sorry if this makes people sad, stay alive. I love all of you.
You look down to the scars on your arm and memories flooded back of Tyler walking in to see the blood on the floor and his girlfriend crying and looking blank. The first time he noticed your scars was when you were dating for about 3 months. They were old ones but soon newer ones started to appear. It was when you were dating for 6 months when he found you the first time on the ground of your bathroom with your wrist bleeding. You can remember the look on his face as tears brimmed his eyes. You kept saying you were sorry but he just helped you clean up in silence. He always told you how much you meant to him but you knew he was lying. No one loves you. How could they?
He’s found you 8 times after that in the same situation. You would get better for about 2 months then relapse again. In the 2 years you and Tyler have been together you were surprised he hasn’t just given up and left.
It was late. 3:46 am to be exact. You laid in your shared bed next to Tyler as he slept. He was always peaceful when he slept unlike you. You were scared to sleep. Nightmares and memories filled your thoughts all night, so you just stayed up. You watched his chest rise and fall imaging how different without you he would be.
You saw the sun start to rise and you realized how long you had been just staring at him for. Tyler always got up pretty early so you laid down and closed your eyes pretending to sleep. About 40 minutes later you heard Tyler start to moved beside you. You felt him kiss you cheek and you heard a silent ‘I love you’ before he got out of bed. You sat back up in bed knowing he wasn’t coming back for at least 30 minutes. It was the same each day. Tyler usually got up around seven thirty and left the room so you could sleep. You would “wake up” around eight and go find him at his piano or he would come in to get ready for the day. He would leave for the studio around ten so you had two hours to pretend you were okay.
“Sleep well?” Tyler’s voice came from the doorway as he walked into the room.
“Yeah.” You fake smiled.
“So I’m heading out early today and I’ll be late tonight. If you want to come to the studio you can.” He said getting changed into clothes for the day.
“No I’ll stay home today. You know get somethings done around the house.” You said trying to sound convincing.
“Are you sure? I mean I don’t want you alone in the house all day. I know yesterday wasn’t the best. Either was the past week.” Tyler said sitting next to you on the bed where you sat.
“I swear Tyler, I’m fine. It was just a small thing.” you said looking down at the bandage on your arm from two days prior.
“Okay, but if you’re going to stay, I’m coming home to check on you. Y/N I know you say you’re fine, but I love you and know you aren’t.” he said holding your hand in his. “I will stop and get lunch for us and we can have a date out on the balcony. Those are always your favorites.” he told you and you half smiled.
“Sounds like a plan.” you kissed him on the cheek and stood up.
You went to the bathroom to get ready. You showered and removed the bandage Tyler cleaned you up with two days ago. Looking at the new scars tears pricked your eyes. If you really loved him why did you put him through this.
“I’m going now. I love you.” you heard Tyler say opening the bathroom door a crack.
“Love you too.” you brought yourself to say.
You heard the door shut. You listened close until you heard the house door shut along with his car start. You knew it was safe now. Safe to break down, cry, scream, harm.
You hated this life. You hated admitting you needed help. You felt defeated when you said you need help so you always forced yourself to get better. It was the hardest thing ever, nearly impossible, but that’s why you ended up in the same situation over and over again. You never got proper help and you didn’t want it before. Tyler respected that, he said he would stay as long you needed him to stay with you. He was the only person you felt safe with and that’s the reason you never wanted to get help. You don’t trust other people the way you trust Tyler. You feel judged by the doctors, but Tyler’s help wasn’t enough anymore. You had reached the end.
You hadn’t been this bad in years. The last time you were here you were so close to the end, but your parents found you. In a way you were glad because now you have Tyler, but at the same time if you had died Tyler wouldn’t have
To go through all this.
You knew you were an awful person and you felt terrible for making Tyler’s life a living hell. Everything bad in your and his life seemed to go bad to you. You were the toxin in his life and he didn’t deserve that.
Before you knew it you were sitting on the shower floor with the water running cold over your body. Your fingers were pruned but you didn’t care. You were numb and cold. You slowly stood and turned off the shower. You stood in front of the mirror looking at yourself. You tried looking into your eyes but all you saw was red. You must have been crying. You opened the medicine cabinet to get a new bandage for your cuts.
After getting dressed and putting on a new bandage on you went out to the kitchen. You saw that it was almost noon. Tyler would be home soon with lunch. You put on some music to try and lighten the mood in the house. You sat at the kitchen table looking at some flowers Tyler got you yesterday. They were roses. They use to be your favorite but you couldn’t see why. They only die. You also didn’t understand why Tyler cared.
“ Y/N.” you felt two hands on your body and you jumped before realizing it was just Tyler. “Didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry.” he said kissing your forehead.
“No, don’t be. I was just zoned out, looking at the flowers you got me yesterday.” you smiled.
“Well today I got for you some chipotle.” he said setting a bag in front of you.
“My favorite. Thank you.” you said standing with the bag letting him follow you out to the back deck.
When he was around you you smiled. It was hard to, but you had to. You didn’t want him to know how bad inside your mind was. You sat in the sun letting it hit your skin. It felt like it was burning you. You hadn’t been outside in about 3 weeks.
“So, what did you do today?” Tyler asked.
“Showered.” was all you said.
“That’s all. I’m not here to judge but I’ve been gone for over 4 hours and all you did was shower? Y/N I need you to tell me what’s going on. This isn’t you.” he said concerned.
“Tyler god leave me alone. Haven’t you ever heard of space. Maybe this is just me. Maybe I’m just broken beyond repair.” you yelled standing from your seat.
You weren’t really sure what snapped inside you. You never snapped at Tyler like that, but it’s all you could do. He was right you weren’t yourself. You didn’t want to be this way. You felt awful for yelling at him.
“You’re right. Space. Maybe that would be good for you.” Tyler said and you could hear how hurt he was. “I’ll be back in about 5 hours. I’ll be at the studio if you need anything.” he said and before you could apologized he was gone.
You were such a terrible person. The one person you truly cared about you pushed them away. Tyler deserves better. So much better.
Now again you sat in the bathroom staring at yourself in the mirror. You couldn’t go on hurting him anymore. You’re the cause of all his pain. You looked down at your phone seeing the picture you had of you and Tyler smiling on your lock screen. You covered yourself in the picture and suddenly without the broken girl in the screen you saw a happier Tyler.
You opened the cabinet and reached for the sleeping pills that were prescribed to you a few months ago. You never took any. You opened the cap and filled your palm with the white capsules. You again opened your phone and sent Tyler a quick text.
I’m sorry. I love you. Forever.
Sent 1:42 pm
That’s all he needed to hear, but all you heard was the ding of a phone. You looked up in the mirror to see Tyler in the doorway. His eyes teared he was practically shaking. That’s when you broke. You spilled the hand of pills everywhere as your knees collapsed underneath you. You didn’t hit the ground because Tyler was there to catch you as you sobbed. You never thought someone could hold another human so tight to them. He rubbed your back as you cried and gasped for air between sobs.
“I need help.” you choked out.
“I know babe. I’m going to get you help. I love you.” he told you as you tried controlling your breathing.
It felt like forever before you calmed yourself enough to be able to hear what Tyler was saying to you. He wasn’t talking at all actually, he was singing. He knew it always calmed you.
Oh, Ms. Believer, my pretty sleeper
Your twisted mind is like snow on the road
Your shaking shoulders prove that it’s colder
Inside your head than the winter of dead
I will tell you I love you
But the muffs on your ears will cater your fears
My nose and feet are running as we start
To travel through snow
Together we go
Together we go
You listened as he sang softly, matching your breathing to his. He rocked you back and forth softly as he sang. Soon you felt your eyelids grow heavy and the first time in about a week you fell asleep.
One year later…
You were a whole new person. Clean for a year today. It was a huge accomplishment, something to be proud of and you have to thank Tyler for all of it.
He got you help. You never wanted help before fearing it was a sign of weakness, but you were wrong. With help you could be a human again. You got to be happy with Tyler and enjoy life.
Sitting outside feeling the light breeze and the sun on your skin. Tyler was somewhere inside. You didn’t have those thoughts anymore. You didn’t fear sleeping.
“Whatcha thinkin about?” you felt Tyler place his hands on your shoulders then wrapping his arms around your front placing a kiss on your cheek.
“Nothing in particular, just that I’m happy.” you smiled.
You missed being able to smile and laugh and be genuine about it.
“Good thing because I got you these.” he said handing you a dozen roses.
“Tyler, they’re beautiful.” you said with tears in your eyes.
Small things like this made you so happy to the point of tears.
“But that’s not it. I want you to know something.” he started now kneeling in front of you with one hand behind his back. “There is a dozen roses right there, you’re favorite, but 12 roses isn’t enough for you. It doesn’t prove how much I love you. So that’s why I have 13 roses for you.” he said pulling another rose from behind his back. “This rose represents my love for you. It’s plastic and will never die. It’s not perfect which is just like us. We’re all broken Y/N, but I’ll be there for you when you fall apart. I always will be. I’m not saying I’m going to be perfect, but I know you will be. You’re perfect for me in every way. That’s why I’m asking you this question. Will you do me the honor of being my wife and making the happiest man to ever live?” he asked taking a ring out of the pedals of the roses where it was perfectly hidden.
You had no words. The tears that pricked your eyes earlier were now streaming down your face.
“Yes, Tyler. Oh my god yes.” you said grabbing his face and kissing him.
You felt him smile against your lips making you giggle. When you broke the kiss he was smiling from ear to ear. He slid the ring onto your finger where you admired it.
“I love you.” Tyler said watching you look down at the new ring on your hand.
You looked up and caught his lips in his again.
“I love you too. Thank you.” you meant it.
He was the reason you were here today. If he didn’t come home when he felt like something was wrong a year ago, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be engaged to the most amazing person in the world.