spilled pill

Your warm hands on my neck
I know it’s the pastel pill
Your breathe, burning as you speak
I am sure it’s the pastel pill
Those ocean eyes looked at mine
Deeply, I stared back
Oh, it was the pastel pill
Fingers of yours traced my lips
Gently pulled me, bitter and sweet pleasure
Pastel pill, pastel pill
“Is it too late, my love?”
You exhaled the words
I can taste that pastel pill
On your mouth, with your words, and in my chest
Ha, I took that pastel pill
For you are my drug
And we are running out of pill.
—  her (MIS), pill
i’m honestly pathetic. it’s weekend after weekend after weekend, getting high or drunk or both, just to numb the pain. just to forget about you, even if it’s just for a few minutes. it’s getting into different car after different car, and with a different boy each time. it’s kiss after meaningless kiss, desperately trying to find somone’s lips that burn brighter than yours. it’s pointless conversation after pointless conversation with anyone who gave me a second look. it’s hour after hour after hour of not sleeping because you’re still in my fucking dreams, every time i close my eyes, you’re rigt there, tattooed on the inside on my eyelids. it’s pill after pill, trying to take away the pain, but i think that this pain is different from the one it’s prescribed for. it’s shot after shot, vodka smoldering my insides, trying to replicate the flame we had when we first met. it’s line after line, slurring my words, stumbling across the floor, mind fucking spinning but still somehow managing to focus on you. it’s the same fucking shit over and over and now it’s not working, maybe it never even did. or maybe i’m addicted. but i’d rather be addicted to drugs because in the end you are way worse for me than drugs will ever be.
—  it’s 2:32 and i’m the only one awake at a party.

I try not to get affected
by all the bullcrap
you’re saying about me.

I try not to let
each real word pierce me,
though they still do.

And I try not to let my heart pump
because blood might pour out
from the open wounds.

I try to think about all the good things in my life,
only to find out
that there aren’t any.

I try to accept the position in life that I am in,
though I can’t help but notice
other people have burdens lighter than mine.

I try to engross myself
in something worthwhile,
But I never find satisfaction.

I try to find my purpose in the world,
then I meet another dead end
and I’ll just fall to my knees

and break.

Hallucinations

“Hallucinations”

I found a small, white bottle sitting on a table
Without any description, warning, or label
When suddenly curiosity took a hold of me
Maybe just one pill could cure my disease

So I popped one in my mouth and swallowed it whole
And washed it down with old coffee gone cold
And realized after fifteen minutes nothing had happened
For these white pills offered me bitter compassion

So one pill led to two which then turned into six
I figured I needed more to completely get my fix
Six led to ten which led to twenty instead
And that’s when I felt this ringing inside of my head
Or maybe that was the ambulance singing a song
Whatever it was I knew I’d be wrong
For these weren’t ordinary pills; this I can see
What were these drugs that grabbed a hold of me?

I picked up a ball which turned into a square
And used it to defeat those annoying, furry hares
The battle it seemed was anything but mundane
“Your square shoots lasers,” the hares would complain

They followed me into a magic zipper where I fell
Upwards instead of down but then again I couldn’t tell
What gravity was doing or if it even exists
I saw rainbows shine through the darkest of mist

These hares were pulled away from my outward reach
By a demon in a Speedo invading Heaven’s breach
I unlocked my ninja powers and shooed him away
With dynamite from a phone booth I had happen to save

The language I spoke became twisted and absurd
Letters became syllables and numbers formed words
The gravity shifted again and the world became stars
Night became day and planes steered like cars

I popped a few more pills because I was having fun
Who knows what else anything could become?
Seagulls were swimming while the piranhas could fly
This for reasons I could not explain why
Rocks never eroded and buildings couldn’t fall
This for reasons I could not explain or recall
Sterile diseases have now become healthy doses
While the trash in dirty cans started to smell like roses

Goldfish were dancing above seas of cement
And the homeless were sleeping under rows full of tents
Badly drawn structures became beautiful designs
Water became sand and metal transformed into wine

People yearned for love and loved only for fun
Bullets couldn’t harm through heavily fired guns
Dreams turned into paper planes without wings
As the gravity reversed and transformed everything  

And when I finally awoke much to my hate
I found myself staring at the same ceiling
But I new I had finally gotten this right
I shall visit this wonderful world again tonight

we all went swiming and we all drown// tie me up and then just leave// do you take sugar in your coffe at 3:46 am??// i dont know the colour of your eyes but i hope they’re blue// did you mean what you said last night?// we talked last night??//the drugs sometimes kick in weeks later// like when i close my eyes and i see a faceless smile// sometimes i laugh at things that make me want to cry// sometimes i appericate the things that destory me// scratch that.. i always appericate the things that destroy me// run until my lungs catch fire and my whole body burns// i like kissing people that i would never fuck// i always say I’m not going to get that drunk right before i black out// and i always say it wont bother me but it still wil// break my bones to see if i have any// break my heart to see if its still beating// i should call my doctor// call me later // sometimes i wish i didnt care about anything so i could become a druggie and live with purpose// getting high is a purpose// its like falling in love with a feeling// i do that a lot// there is good in everyone// hell isn’t below the earth, its stuttley mixed into everthing you love the most// if you love things after their expiry date you will get sick// best before… yesterday// best before… last week// best before… last year// my trash can is empty because i dont use things just to throw them away// yours is full// angels and demons fuck a lot its just sience// i dont want to be someone else i just want to change everything about myself//weed left me confused so i started popping pills// i lost 4 hours yesterday// must have misplaced them// i wanna sell my soul but the devil wont buy it??// does anyone have a used phone case that will protect me from seeing things i dont want to see// like how lonely i am// did you do the math homework?// i dont really want to stop being 16// mom please dont touch me right now//i like noises that make it impossible to hear anything// i like pain that distracts me from other pain//i like songs that have feelings attached// i like ugly people// i like faceless people// i like people who dont like themselves// i like people who dont know how to like// i don’t know how to like// I’m not going to fuck you//… right now// why do people say goodbye BEFORE they leave// why didn’t you say goodbye before you left?// Why did you leave?// what do you want to do after high school?// not this// throw me a shovel because I’m so fucking stuck// light a match and drop it on a pile of everything i used to be// add gasoline //
—  Not everything
I remember my dad counting his pills
He use to put them into small mountains
Fairly evenly spaced out
Planning out how many he had left until his next doctor’s appointment
He did not get out of bed for the next three days
Then he finally opens the door to my room
He starts screaming at me
He thinks I stole his Xanax
He says that “46 Xanax do not just disappear!”
I wondered how he was still alive
I assumed he had taken them all
With all the drugs he was on he had forgotten now
He thinks it is my fault all of his drugs are gone
The doctors are not going to give him more soon
He screams, “It was a three month supply! It could not have just disappeared!”
I try to explain to him that I did not take them
He seems to forget that
I would not take Xanax after many different doctors tell me I need drugs to “fix me”
I do not need pills to fix my personality
Why would I take his?
He again points out, “Well they are missing now! I cannot find them, someone must have taken them!”
This goes on for an hour and a half
He does not believe me
It is the truth
I did not take them
Watch on thebueno.tumblr.com

Spilled Pill (coming soon!)