spilled memories

and that’s the thing about life; you constantly make plans to go to far off places, eat brand new foods and meet exciting people. you are not defined by how much money you make or whether you won awards or even if you graduated from school. you can only define yourself, and you only do so when you leave your past behind and open yourself up to the future, so go on…love like you’ve never loved before. explore mountains and cities. make memories. inspire others. live.
—  we all have to remember what we can accomplish. K. Kazik.
No matter how much
I wanted it to be you,
No matter how many wishes
I made on a fountain,
I knew that after awhile,
it could no longer be us.
I needed to know that love will remain
even after the lust fades,
but that wasn’t the case.
You can only depend so much
on your luck, when it comes to love.
—  Keen Malasarte, When You Asked Me If I Believed In Making Wishes At 11:11
I did everything that I could to forget you, darling.
But even after all that your name is still the first thing that comes into my mind after I wake up.
—  A.A // i still dream of you

I go to church
But I’ve met God more often
On street corners
Sat on cardboard
Wrapped in a sleeping bag,
I still remember the first time
I saw grace shine from a smile,
It was cold and harsh and I
Shivered in winter’s clothing,
Yet this man, cross legged,
In a threadbare fleece,
Could survive it without complaining,
He looked up
Into my eyes
And asked for some change
Not even the change I needed
Just any I had spare,
Instead, I got him a sausage roll
And a cuppa, which is where
His money was going anyway,
Before I left after handing them over
He asked if we could pray,
He said to me with great assurance
That God had sent me his way,
We held hands and gave thanks,
He read psalm 23,
Some birds chirped and he remarked,
Why worry when He feeds even His little birds?

Three May’s ago, all I think about was you. I was drowning in my fascination of you. You were the only star in my galaxy.

And I can see now, as I saw then. You were perfect. You were talented. You were everything in this world. Not a spot of darkness could taint your brilliance. And until this very moment, you still are.

But now, I can see other stars in my galaxy. I am not blind anymore. And I do not wish to reach you.

It’s been a long time since we last talked. And I haven’t seen you in a while. But tonight I heard a recording of you singing and it brought back memories.

It’s been three years. And I have moved on from you. I felt nothing the last time we talked. And I’m sure wherever you are right now, you are making another legend.

You still shine bright in my galaxy, dear. If not brighter than ever. But now I can see there are million of other stars. And I’m falling for another.

—  A.A // I’ve learned that what you’re stressing right now won’t actually matter in the future

“I know he loves you.”

No, do not make me wait for something that would no longer come. Do not make me hope against hope that he still thinks about me.

No, “loves” isn’t the right term; “loved” is. Whatever we had, it was all in the past. Whatever we had, it’s done.

—  EL // Please don’t make me fall for him again
the signs as things that i cannot forget

Inspired by real encounters with the signs; deeply personal moments presented in a completely vague medium. A descent into darkness.

Aries: Hearts fluttering like young hummingbirds; threatening to escape our chests. Those birds have left me now, but I could not escape your gaze. You still burn me like a fever at 3 am some nights.

Taurus: I almost didn’t see you, but when I did, I couldn’t look away. You were a work of art, and I spent so much of my time trying to figure out what you meant. You meant everything, until I forgot you. And you performed your disappearing act once more.

Gemini: Everyone adored you, but I saw through the confetti and gleaming smiles. There was a darkness in you, something invisible but ever present, like heat haze in the desert air. You feared nothing because you were dangerously close to fearing everything. But you didn’t scare me.

Cancer: I wanted to protect you from the world. I wanted to hold you in my arms and keep you there, pristine and untouchable like a display. All this time, and sometimes I still forget you are a force to be reckoned with. The world should be protected from you.

Leo: You wanted people to worship you and they did. Men, women and children bowed at your feet, but you still never found a way to see the divinity in yourself. A pity, that gods and goddesses are blinded by their own light.

Virgo: You were my life support. You were the heart that kept me alive, but you weren’t mine. You did everything you could but in the end my body rejected you. No medication could keep the transplant from being a failure. It was someone else’s love, never ours. We were a borrowed lie, a pretty facade to cover up the loneliness.

Libra: I still smile when I see your ghost, spinning freely around me like a celestial body in orbit. You were the only sunshine in my life for months. Years, probably. And you still are.

Scorpio: I was afraid of you. I thought you would destroy me, or rebirth me, or both. You shone so brightly I was afraid to look you in the eye. Now I know I have no reason to fear while you are protecting me from myself. But you should know better than to guard grenades. You were one.

Sagittarius: Everyone knew your secret, but we kept it. You are far too precious for it to matter, anyway. I just wish you hadn’t tried to keep it locked up despite this. A secret isn’t a secret if it yells itself from the rooftops on a bad day. Let go of your demons.

Capricorn: You were my teacher and my student, whirling around me impossibly. You gave me whiplash trying to figure out what we were. But trying to label it would be foolish. You transcend language itself - and you know how sacred communication is to me. Perhaps it’s because you know. You never needed me (but I still find myself breathing you out into the midnight air).

Aquarius: You were all I had for so long, and then I hated you. I always hated you. We were so disgustingly symbiotic; I was addicted. I needed you to survive. Maybe it’s good that we used each other. You were a cruel mistress, but you knew I could be crueller. And you didn’t care one bit.

Pisces: I thought I knew you. I thought I saw something in you, but it wasn’t there. You slipped through my hands like the sands of time, always just a little too far to reach. But I laughed about it. I said I loved you and I knew I was going to leave you, but sometimes I wonder if you were ever really there. You are only screenshots taking up space on my phone now. I don’t want to see you again. (I see you in my dreams sometimes).