spidren

Another "reading to the kids" story.

I read the first chapter of Protector of the Small (another of Tamora Pierce’s girl knights of Tortall books) to both girls the other day. In it, the hero Kelandry sees a bunch of local ruffians throwing a sack into the river, and she sets out to rescue the creatures inside it.

Owlet: That’s mean.
Ninja: I hope it’s kittens!
Owlet, enraptured: KITTENS!

Kel runs off the boys but before she can wade out and retrieve the sack from the sandbar, a centaur-sized monster with the body of a spider and a human head shows up and snares the bag with its web. It pulls in the sack, opens it, and

Girls: GAPE IN HORROR.
Me, shutting book: And at this point the spidren eats a kitten, kids.

Kel throws rocks and runs the monster off. It climbs up the cliff on the other side of the river, and she follows it but gets stuck half-way up. It opens the bag again and

Girls: OH NO. SERIOUSLY? NO!
Me: Yup, so it eats another kitten.
Owl, to Ninja: THIS IS YOUR FAULT YOU SAID YOU WANTED IT TO BE KITTENS
Ninja: I was counting on a rescue!

The forces of good show up and rescue both Kel (who has a fear of heights she will need to work on until she can do her own animal rescuing later in the book) and the remaining five kittens. Kel takes them to the cook “who knew what to do with small animals.”

Me: She’s going to put them in a pie.
Girls: MOOOOMMM! STOP THAT!
Me: She doesn’t put them in a pie. Should I find a different book?
Girls: No!

The realm. In her time as a squire she had seen more of it than most people knew existed, from the damp and mossy streets of Pearlmouth to Northwatch Fortress. She had hunted pirates in the west, built up dams against floods in the east. Mountains, green valleys, desert–she had ridden or walked in them all, measuring them with blisters and grit. Was this what was meant by “the realm”? Or was it other things: a little girl with a muddy doll, Buchard of Stone Mountain livid with grief and rage, a king who admitted a law was wrong, Lalasa in her bustling shop with pins in her mouth. If they were the realm, then so too were griffins, sparrows, dogs ugly and beautiful, Stormwings, foul- and sweet-tempered horses, spidrens.
If she owed duty to the realm, then it was not the dry, withered thing it sounded in people’s mouths. Duty was what was owed, good parts and bad, to keep the realm growing, to keep it as fair as life could be kept. Duty was an old man, snug in his fur-lined robe, snoring lightly somewhere behind her.
—  Squire, book three of Protector of the Small

“One of the two male spidrens exploded. The female spidren shrieked and kicked Daine to the ground behind her. The girl squinted. What had happened? One spidren was gone, blown to pieces.

In the splatter of black blood that was his remains stood Numair. Livid with rage, he raised his staff as the female spidren reared.”

(apologies if it’s too dark ;;;; this scene stuck with me a lot tho just imagine really what he must’ve been thinking, poor baby)

fullsize

flats

couthor  asked:

Elias was already starting to feel feverish as he lay in the cool water of the pond. He could feel the season pressing at him, and he wanted to ignore it for as long as possible. It wasn't worth getting all worked up just to be alone for a few days.

spidren had headed for the same pool of water, wanting a drink, unwitting of the avian man in the water

Protector of the Small as written by Moffat

(So I’m gonna try my hand at this.  It’s a bit exaggerated but w/e, I guess that’s the point of this blog.  Sorry if it sucks!)

Protector of the Small

First Test: The story focuses on the budding relationship between Kel and Neal.  Neal is an average, dorky nice guy who is less physically capable than the other boys, but much cleverer than all of them.  He is drawn to Kel because he knows mysterious things about her childhood, but he doesn’t tell her.  Kel is a sassy girl in training to be a knight.  She became a knight because she wants to protect all the children in the world, just like her mentor, Alanna, who stopped being a knight when she became a mother.  She has a really obvious crush on Neal, who is comically oblivious.  We are told she is a good fighter, but we never actually see her fight, and she seems to only succeed because Neal helps her.  Kel is sad because the older pages are mean to the new trainees, so Neal decides to help them because he doesn’t want Kel to be sad.  Kel cheers him on while he beats up all the bullies and never gets in trouble for it because he is so clever.  The book ends when spidrens attack a group of pages and almost kill Kel.  Neal saves her life, so she kisses him.  Lord Wyldon takes her off probation because Neal said he should and everyone loves Neal because he is clever.

Page: Kel and Neal go through puberty.  Kel’s storyline dealing with her budding sexuality and emerging womanhood is replaced by boner jokes and innuendo.  Also Kel is super sexy now.  Neal forcefully kisses her and any other women he sees and laughs when they slap him.  Kel gets a new maid named Lalasa.  She is super sexy and alters Kel’s page uniforms so that they are tighter and show off her body.  As a result, Kel is blamed for distracting the boys during training.  Neal forcefully kisses Lalasa and slaps her butt a lot which is super funny lol.  At the end of the book, Lalasa is kidnapped and Kel cries.  Neal thinks of a clever plan to save her.

Squire: This book centers around Kel and Neal trying to stop an evil Yamini gang lead by Princess Shinkokami, who is secretly a psychopath.  They have funny accents and are stupid and incompetent.  Kel sees battle for the first time and cries because so many children are being killed.  Neal has to save her.  Kel goes through her Ordeal but doesn’t remember any of it.  Neal says he doesn’t know why, but he is lying.

Lady Knight:  During the Scanran War, Kel asks to be in charge of a refugee camp instead of in a combat position so that she can protect the children and be with Neal.  Neal ends up running the camp while she works at the camp day care so she can be with the children.  She has mysterious periods of sickness for reasons she doesn’t understand and strange dreams that she can’t remember.  It turns out that Kel became pregnant during the Ordeal because of evil magic.    Also, the only reason she became a knight at all was because she was born next to a crack in the earth full of god-magic.  Because of the God-magic, she is destined to stop the evil Scanran mage who is killing children.  Neal knew the whole time, but he didn’t tell her because he knew she would be irrational and mess it up.  The evil Scanran mage kidnaps her baby, and Kel cries because children are dying.  Her crying is magical because of the god-magic so Neal comes up with a clever plan to save the children.  Now that Kel has fulfilled her destined role with her magical crying, her desire to be a knight has left her so she retires and becomes a mother.