Horoscopes by Gil Hizon - Week of September 26 - October 3, 2016
So like, every time the waiter approaches me to ask if I like the food, my mouth is always full. #thumbsup
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Get ready for a disaster of a week, as you try your very best to juggle your professional crap with your personal clusterfucks. The only way for you to keep everything intact and regain your sanity is to move to another island where no one fucking knows yo ass. And if you do end up leaving, please make sure you bring that SPF or as I like to call it, Shitshow Preventative Forcefield.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Something’s changed in your immediate gayborhood. Oh, that’s right. Every gay and ladyboy is tethered to their homes checking out the new Fall TV Lineup. If I were you, I would take advantage of that shit. This really is the perfect time to catch up with your usual SCORPY shenanigans, including, but not limited to, planting your devious garden gnomes in your lawn and getting ready for SCORPIO Christmas. #halloween
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Gurl, when you fly high, you fall on yo ass hard. Here’s a tip: butt implants! But seriously, it would behoove you to stay grounded and not stray too far from the gayborhood. Shit is bubbling up at a bathhouse near you; and when it hits the fan, all your gay constituents will be needing you to bail their asses out big time. The more bitches you save, the more head you’ll get.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
What the powers that be are saying is true. Another bitch’s mop could be your latest Shake ‘N Bake Beyonce weave. So the next time you’re shopping at Wet Seal, you betta keep them eyes opened wide and your fingers extra sticky. You just nevah EVAH know what you’re gonna fish out of that discount rack. Now put on your shopping snorkel and dive deep, diva.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Let the records show what a badass bitch you iz! No really, someone’s been keeping track. Unfortunately, henny, you don’t have a stalker. All you’ve got are bitches who believe in your efforts and accomplishments. You needn’t worry about evah disappointing them either. Although you tend to operate all brain, your heart is as clear as purified water.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
When all your gay constituents are at each others’ throats, you will be the sound of reason that will silence that din, thanks to that megaphone you stole from an unsuspecting unicorn, deep in the Sha-nae-nae forest of your dreams. But remember, with great glamazonian accessories, come great responsibility. With the power bestowed upon you by the queen of cosmic fuckery, we trust that you will rule us fairly and justly.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Let’s face it. You’re usually a pump and dump kind of queen, but this week, you’re ready to take your sweet ass time with your new trick. Something about this ho just makes you want to savor each moment you spend with hurr. And if you don’t have any prior engagements, I say go for it. You’ve worked so hard. You deserve some crunchy peanut brittle.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Oh, TORI TORIFICUS MASTERS. You’re a true jetsetter, ready to fly off to foreign destinations at a moment’s notice. Your endless array of Fendi luggage turns heads as your strut that ass on that moving walkway at the airport like you’re in the running to be America’s Next Top Model In The Skies. But here’s a twist. You forgot your fucking lipliner and your custom-made anal beads. What are you gonna do now?
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
To every bitch and ho sitting within your vicini-tay, you have one thing to say: Gurlbye. Yes, queen. You have officially left reality and you’re currently having mai-tais with a Care Bear. But need we remind you, your time on Earth is not done. For one thing, you still haven’t shown us your tax returns. All I’m saying is, make sure you’re not leaving anything behind that could potentially bite you in the ass while you’re macking on a fucking merman.
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
Nothing says, “We love you so much that we have no qualms dumping our shit on you” like family. And it’s a huge clusterfuck to sort through, Ms. Crabby, Queen of Crustaceans. Luckily for you, an extra pair of claws from an unexpected source – some bitch from your past – has been assigned to help yo ass. Rest assured, a more harmonious time with the fam is in your near future.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
I don’t know where you come up with all these promises you give to unsuspecting queens, but gurl, you gotta research your proclamations before spitting all that shit out. Because of you, a bitch may be in trouble. If that’s the case, you bettah fess up quickly regarding your unintentioned mess. The more you own up to your mistakes, the more respect you will Jennifer Garner.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Ding-dong, the witch is dead! Now that you’re free to roam around this week’s version of paradise, I suggest you gobble all that happy juice as quickly and as efficiently as you can. Because come next week, bigger shitshows await on the horizon. But gurl, I know you. If you can put a pompous, arrogant bitch in her place, then you can do anything.
(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shitshow!)
For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!