So..today..I'll just write you a letter..

Dear Maeve,

I miss you.  With every waking moment of every passing day.  But Monday mornings have been nothing short of impossible to get through.  I wake up, I swallow down the pain and put on a face that says I’m fine.  When really, I’m not.  Sunday was our day and has been for so long that each one that’s passed since you were taken away is increasingly impossible to face.  I could put the exact number of them here but what good would that do other than to give me a numerical reminder of how many days included along with those Sundays it’s been since I’ve heard your voice?  Or held a letter that smelled faintly like the oils you wore or the candles you burnt in the apartment you were holed up in so long because you were so afraid to venture out?

I should have done more.  You’d asked me so many times to not go to them.  That what we had was between us and I agreed and I was greedy and I wanted a life that existed for you and me outside the horrible things I see every day.  And we had that.  Our own secret place where we went to on the end of telephone lines and beautifully scrawled handwriting on letters I still keep in a drawer beside my bed.  Because even though the books all went back on the shelves and the letters had gone there too?  The books remained.  But the box of notes was opened up and they were put where I’d always kept them before..


Before they stopped coming.

Did you know..okay..sorry..  Of course you knew.  That one week after you died, the letter you’d sent me came in the mail?  I’d never told anyone that.  I locked myself away by then and read those last words not once, not twice, but eighty four times before I couldn’t take it anymore and placed it in with the rest.

Please don’t get me wrong.  There are times that I laugh now and I mean it.  The shadows can only last so long before they become split apart by little beams of light.  Right?  Can’t keep the curtains closed forever.  JJ told me that when she’d come over with the rest of the team to tidy up the apartment I’d let fall to tatters that I would have been so ashamed to let you see.

I joke sometimes –no one gets them for the most part but that will never change.  And I smile and it’s not fake.  Because I know you’d want me to and I’m sorry that I still get like this sometimes but I can’t help it.  My mind never forgets anything.  Details.  Scents.  Sounds.  It’s all there and when it gets quiet, like tonight, it comes back and here I am..

We still have each other.  In my dreams.  Your new safe place and mine.  The first night you were there when I closed my eyes and the second soon blurred into a repetition that’s had us sitting in libraries or standing in places I only have read about.  Like Paris or Rome and we’re there while I sleep and it’s so real that I barely know the difference for the first few minutes that I wake up.  Funny how instead of doing that, I’m sitting at a computer screen typing this because writing down on a piece of paper was for you not me.

I should go but I wanted to tell you that I love you.  I love you more than I could ever imagine and I hope to see you as soon as the tiredness kicks in and I drift off.  Let’s make this Sunday one where you’re here and we spend it together in another place I’ll never go in person.  I’ll see you soon.


Part of You

An Anon requested one where you are pregnant with Spencer’s baby and you find out that he has been cheating on you.

Pairings: SpencerxReader SpencerxMaeve Warnings: Cheating Fighting

He was late again. It wasn’t anything new but it had become much more frequent lately. You understood that he had to work late every once and a while, but that was the problem, every once in a while. The last few months it was almost every day, and with the same excuse of “the case ran over” or “I was on the middle of something.” He used to at least call you when he would be late but now you were lucky to even have a conversation with you.

You were laying down in bed trying to get comfortable but your 8 month pregnant belly was preventing you from doing that. The door front door opened right after you finally found a spot to lain in. Looking at the clock you found that it was 12:45. You were desperately holding on to the thought that he had to work but that was completely shattered when he laid down next to you putting a hand on your stomach.

You had to try everything to keep down the bile that was fighting its way up your throat. He smelled like perfume. Not your perfume or anyone at the office either. His hair was messy also. You had been dating long enough to know just what that hairstyle meant. Spencer had been with a woman. And it wasn’t you.

The next day when you got out of the shower the house smelled like bacon. This meant he was sorry for what he did. Spencer maid bacon every time because he knew it was your favorite and it was his way of clearing his conscience.

“Hey sweetheart.” He said when you walked into the kitchen. You had to force yourself to kiss him so he would think everything was okay but you couldn’t stand kissing the lips that someone else had kissed just hours before. “How’s are little baby doing?” He asked pressing a kiss to your stomach.

“The doctor said they are just fine.” You had a doctors appointment yesterday that Spencer just couldn’t make it to. Or at least that’s what he claimed. “Why were you so late last night. I didn’t get to see you at all you left so early and had to miss the doctors appointment?”

“Well we had a big case where some three year olds were getting kidnapped and I couldn’t get out of there this time.” You could tell he was lying. He scratched his neck and couldn’t look you straight in the eyes . He also looked to the side before he spoke indicating that he was thinking up a lie.

“Oh. Well I wish you would have told me.” He just nodded. You finished up your breakfast and kissed him good bye. “I’ll tell you next time when we have a big case.” He said as you were walking to the door. “Alright and maybe also tell me when you won’t be home because your sleeping with some other woman.” You said as you walked out of the door.

Spencer wasn’t home when you got there it that was expected. You sat on the couch watching tv and talking to your baby for a few hours when you heard the front door to your apartment unlock.

“Hello Spencer” you said coldly as he walked on the door. “Look (Y/N) I can explain.” He said. For being a genius he sure was stupid.

“Really was that all you can come up with. I’m sure you can explain but why should I believe you. You tell me your running late because of work but you come home four hours late and smell like perfume. I’m sitting here miserable and 8 months pregnant with your kid and you can’t even make it to the doctors appointments.”

“(Y/N) please let me explain I’m sorry.”

“Sorry my ass. There is no way you could have a good explain for this. Wa so just not good enough for you. You could have told me that in the three and a half years of dating.”

“(Y/N) please I love you and our baby believe me. I would never do anything to hurt you. I swear.”

“If you love me why were you with someone else?” You shout.

“It’s not like you left me much of a choice.” He yelled back. “You baca me so hormonal o just wanted someone to talk to. Then you started to become more distant and moody. You wouldn’t let me even touch you and I have needs to you know.”

“So just because I was to hormonal you felt the need to go find someone else to love for nine months and hope I wouldn’t find out.”

“No I didn’t and I wasn’t going to tell you this but now I don’t care. I was talking to Maeve a while ago and was thinking about breaking it off a while ago but then you found out you were pregnant and I couldn’t leave you and my kid so I never broke it off.”

“So you don’t love me I’m just some charity case? Is that all that me and this baby are. You don’t think I didn’t know about you and her. I was a profiler to Spencer incase you didn’t remember making me leave my job when I became pregnant. That’s why I was so distant. I have needs to since they ain’t all sexual do they not count?”

“You know exactly what I meant (Y/N).” He tried to argue back but you had had enough.

“No I don’t so why don’t you just run right back into Maeve’s arms. Now. I want you out of the apartment meant.”

“You can’t kick me out we share the apartment.”

“I said NOW!”

You had called Garcia after you had calmed down and told her everything. She came over right and held you while you cried.

“Are you going to let him in the baby’s life?” She asked after a few hours.

“Yeah I am because I know he does love this kid and he really wants to be part of their life.” You still loved him. You knew he had been cheating on you for a while but part of you still hoped you would be able to work it out. You had been dating for over three years so part of you still belonged to him and that would never go away.

Sitting on the train to work.  Five more stops and I’ll be there.  I decided to go in early today to attempt to get some work done before the others show up.  I’ve been looking into a couple more cases I’d like to show Rossi.  He’s usually the first one to the office in the morning. That should give us some time to talk.

>>Privacy Setting: 

Who Can View?  Only Me<<

Honestly, I haven’t been to sleep yet.  What I need to talk with him about is probably not going to happen, so a back up plan of potential cases is tucked neatly inside my bag for a quick ‘out’ if I need one.  The fear came back two nights ago.  I told him I was afraid that if I let go and touched or danced with her that I wouldn’t come back.  Now, I'm scared that might be true.  Three nights in a row after the first dream, I couldn’t wait to go home, go to bed and try to have her with me again . Each time she’s been there.  She is in my arms and I am holding her and we were together again.  I can smell her perfume, bury my face against her neck, feel her sweater on my fingers and her body pressed against mine while I hold her.  Maeve whispers in my ear, telling me she loves me and I tell it to her back.  Every time.  Words that I never got to say when she was with me for those brief minutes in that building.  In those moments it’s like I am alive and can breathe again for the first time since I saw her fall to the floor with her blood everywhere

All I want to do is sleep and wait for her because I know she will, eventually, come to find me and she always has.  I know this is supposed to be healing and it’s supposed to be a way of me letting go. That is what is expected, right?  Rossi said so.  Why does it feel like it’s having the opposite effect?  Because now I have a way to get to her.  Even if it is a version of her I am making up in my head.  One created out of the words carefully written on a piece of paper, her voice in my ear on the phone and the heartbreakingly beautiful face I only got to see for less time than it takes for this train to get from my apartment to work.  It doesn’t feel like that when it happens.  Not at all.  Actually, it feels real.  It’s her.  It’s Maeve.  My Maeve.  I can have her if I drift off.  That’s all it takes.  I’m not sure I can even describe how tempting that is.  To stay there as long as I possibly can with my her in my arms and my hands in her hair or keeping her so close to me that I don’t think a piece of paper could fit between us.

Is this what happened to my mother?  Does she go through life half-dreaming of a time when her life made sense and there was no blood on her hands from an attempt to save me?  When she goes catatonic, is that what she sees?  A reality so much better than the one she was left with when I was only a kid?  Where she has me and a husband who loved her?  Is she happier there than she is with me here?  I know in her moments of clarity she wants to keep herself grounded, tell herself that the real world is where she belongs because it’s the sane place to be.  But what if that is too painful and her dream world is where she can feel free from all the guilt and depression she has waiting for her here?  I think that is what scares me the most.  Because I can sympathize with that now and if I am not careful, I’m afraid that I’ll sympathize a bit too much.

I just want her Maeve with me.  Wait, no.  I need her here with me.  If I can’t have that and this is all I have?  Tonight, I’ll go back to dreaming because I don’t want to stay away and I can’t stay awake forever.  They’ll start to see it on my face.  Besides, even as I write this I feel almost guilty for staying away.  Like I’m hurting her by keeping the distance I have. What if she thinks I don’t love her?  That she did become a ghost of a memory?  How normal is it to feel that way?  Maybe in time what Rossi said will happen?  Maybe this is how it is supposed to be?  Then, slowly, the dream will come less and less often and the happiness I feel for an hour or two after I wake up before I remember that it was only a dream and nothing more will last longer than the hollow feeling that realization leaves behind?

I can think of her and smile now. 

A real smile because she brought that out in me again.  That’s progress?

My stop is next.  I’ll write more later when I sort this all out.