So I was rummaging through the book-boxes looking for something else entirely when I re-found something I hadn’t seen for years (as you do).

This time it was “The Natural History of the Vampire” by Anthony Masters. My copy’s a rather tatty paperback from Mayflower Books, published in 1974 and bought while I was still at school. Of course I promptly started to read this old friend again -

And was only a quarter of the way in when I snrked a tea backfire through the nose because of just one line…

Bulgaria was a typical example of a backward country very much a prey to bouts of terror concerning the undead. In 1863, for instance, there was a voracious epidemic of vampirism amongst the remote villages. Villagers burned candles at night and collected together in public places, in unity against their spectral enemy. They claim to have been besieged by Obours (vampires) who, according to Dudley Wright in “Vampires and Vampirism” (1914),

“…lit up the streets with their sparkles. Some of the most enterprising of them threw their shadows on the walls of the rooms where the peasants were assembled…"

Oh-kayyy… ;->

After a bit of Google-fu (not involving internasal tea this time) it looks like sparkly vampires have a history after all.

Valhalla by Ari Bach Contains:

Action, Explosions, Spacecraft, Espionage, Directed Energy Weapons, Panzercopters, Arcologies, LGBT Representation, In-Jokes and Obscure References, Submariner Pirates, Cannibalism, A Giant Walrus, Cynical Social Commentary, Insectoid Knife-Robots Carved from Bone That Live In Their Donor’s Chests, Explosions, Martial Arts, Gleeful Dismemberment, Quantum Physics, Direct Brain Internet Links, High Tech Armor, Violently Unstable Protagonists, Norse Mythology, Mysterious Black Hooded Figures and Explosions.

Valhalla Does Not Contain:

Morality, Sparkly Vampires, Inaccurate BDSM Portrayals, Whiny Teen Boys Complaining About Girls Who Don’t Like Them or A Lack of Explosions.

Valhalla can also be used as a doorstop.

Waking up to Astro


  • he always wakes up before you
  • the short amount of time he has between his waking up and yours he spends as well as he can
  • by watching you while you sleep
  • not creepily hes not a sparkly vampire it is ok
  • MJ likes to press kisses to your temple and wrap his arms around you and pull you into him
  • so y’all are spooning while he’s sort of awake and you’re still in the “delirious incoherent mumbling” state
  • He nuzzles his nose into your neck omfg
  • MJ would smile a lot tbh even in the mornings as long as he’s beside you
  • so he would smile into your neck and press a gentle kiss into your collarbone
  • and he would be super sweet and soft and cute
  • until he slides out from behind you 
  • strategically places himself so he’s kneeling at your side
  • lifts up your shirt ever so slightly
  • and starts blowing raspberries into the soft skin of your stomach like his life depends on it
  • which needless to say wakes you up pretty fast
  • he’ll laugh when you squeak in protest
  • will come up and press his lips to your forehead, and then he’ll drag you out of bed and into the bathroom bc he’s hungry and while its his turn to make breakfast he refuses to eat without you
  • you guys brush and he watches you in the mirror making sure you dont go back to sleep
  • when yall are done brushing he’ll wrap his arms around his waist and finally mumble a Good Morning and while you really aren’t awake yet you find yourself saying it back because you know that, with MJ, it’s always a good morning


  • his normal voice is p low and already has like a back of throat lowkey growl esp when he raps
  • so i’ll be damned if his “just woke up and still really groggy” voice isn’t husky and god even lower than usual
  • he wakes up before you 99% of the time 
  • usually sits up and rubs the sleep out of his eyes while trying not to wake you
  • then he’ll lie back down and throw an arm and a leg over you, running one hand all over your body lightly while the other hand is behind his head
  • eventually he’ll get tired of being up while you’re not but decide against waking up
  • instead he’ll just pull you in very close so your head is in his chest
  • and his lips are just barely, barely touching the junction between your neck and your shoulder
  • him accidentally sighing into your neck and you mumble because it tickles and move in closer to him
  • jinjin’s eyes just roaming your body 
  • him taking in every bit of you
  • jinjin gets up and opens the blinds slightly
  • partially because he wants you awake and partially because you look even more like a goddess when your sleeping form is bathed in the early morning light
  • he really wants to write a song for you when you’re like this
  • however you’ve gotta wake up eventually so he hovers over you
  • presses his face to the part of your neck right underneath your jaw
  • and starts mumbling into your neck about how much he loves you
  • it has the effect he wants because
  • you wake up, moaning about how you really dont want to get out of bed, until jinwoo just gives up and carries you to the bathroom
  • the two of you brush and go to eat but not before jinwoo comments on how great you look when you wear his oversized shirts to sleep 


  • he’s up about an hour before you every day
  • because of this you usually wake up to a sweet sticky note placed strategically on his side of the bed, and the smell of breakfast coming from the kitchen
  • what you dont know is how it takes literally forever for eunwoo to actually get out of bed
  • not because he’s groggy or anything because he isnt 
  • when hes awake hes awake and gorgeous and ready to take on the day
  • its ridiculous and unfair you believe hes some kind of wizard because of it
  • but he just takes like twenty minutes to physically leave the bed
  • its because he really, really loves the feel of your legs entangled with his and your face (and lips) pressed to the area of his chest right underneath his collar bone
  • and hearing your soft breathing
  • feeling it reverberating in his chest
  • this is when Dongmin feels the happiest and lightest and most carefree
  • eventually though he does disentangle himself from you
  • you always whine in protest at your arms feeling empty but don’t wake up
  • Dongmin brushes his teeth quickly
  • while looking like an angel tbh
  • then he quickly writes an “I love you so much beautiful” or “breakfast is your favorite today” or “you gave me inspiration for some song lyrics, they’re on my desk if you want to read them <3″ on a sticky note and places it in the middle of his side of the bed
  • he makes breakfast because he knows you wont be awake enough to handle kitchen utensils when you awaken
  • when you finally come out in your zombie state you’re always clutching the sticky note in your hands, and you make sure to whisper how much you love him back into his shoulder while he cooks


  • he sounds like a kitten when he yawns it is your favorite sound in the world
  • y’all always end up in some weird ass sleeping position it’s actually hilarious bc sometimes his hyungs and even the two youngest members pop in to take pictures of you two while you’re both sleeping and like you’ll be sleeping like diagonally with your head on Bin’s chest and your feel hanging off the bed and he’s sleeping like a wooden plank
  • that picture is Minhyuk’s lockscreen
  • but when he wakes up before you he always straightens you up if you’re sleeping in a weird position
  • and kisses your forehead
  • probably takes like 7 million pictures of you 
  • and tries not to text them to everyone because you just look so cute
  • after putting his phone away Bin likes to hug you
  • he’s just a really huggy person he loves your warmth and the feeling of you in his arms 
  • you’re always fast asleep so he traces circles onto your hip bones and draws things on your thighs with his fingers
  • eventually you’ll roll over in your sleep so you’re on top of him
  • he loves it
  • that’s when you, still asleep, straddle him and rest your head on top of his chest and he holds you tight against him
  • every morning he realizes that he loves you a lot because of this
  • when he thinks you both should get out of bed he just calls your name over and over until you open your eyes
  • the two of you brush side by side while watching each other in the mirror because even in the morning Moon Bin looks amazing
  • and you look gorgeous even with your hair sticking out everywhere
  • you always make breakfast because you’re afraid Bin will burn himself or something but his chest is perpetually pressed against your back and his arms are around your waist while you make food for the two of you


  • Minhyuk prefers your stomach over a pillow, any day
  • he just loves how soft and beautiful the skin on your stomach is and loves to rest your head on it
  • the two of you almost always fall asleep that way
  • whenever Minhyuk wakes up he can hear your breathing through your stomach/chest
  • its so calming it almost puts him back to sleep
  • almost
  • he pretty much groans and sits up in bed and gets out  as quickly as possible because he knows the longer he stays listening to your soft breaths the more he’ll fall into the void that is you
  • Minhyuk pulls the covers over you so you don’t get cold
  • he watches you snuggle into them and let out a sigh when you feel comfortable and honestly it is the cutest thing he has ever seen
  • before he knows it he’s smiling uncontrollably 
  • he can’t control himself
  • the poor boy just really wants to talk to you and be with you and spend the day with you
  • so yes
  • he lowkey jumps on top of you while screaming something along the lines of “wake up, wake up, wake up”
  • obviously you
  • wake up 
  • your immediate reaction is to groan and lightly hit his chest because in an unfortunate turn of events you are now awake
  • and have to actually
  • do things
  • but Minhyuk isn’t having any of it and he takes yours hands and pulls you up so you’re sitting up in bed and pushes you off and shoves you into the bathroom and puts toothpaste on your toothbrush
  • you finish brushing before him because he just watches you brush your teeth and then starts to brush after
  • he loves you so much god
  • so you go out into the kitchen to start making breakfast but you just give up because you have no idea how to use anything and in the end Minhyuk ends up making it for you but that’s all right because your morning is better than it could ever be


  • you don’t actually share a bed
  • but whenever he sleeps over you two end up going to sleep at like 4 in the morning because y’all are watching animated movies 
  • so you guys wake up at like noon the next morning on the couch 
  • you originally wake up before him
  • you find that you’re lying on top of him which you weren’t when you went to sleep but that’s ok
  • however you’re very very tired so you just go back to sleep
  • sanha wakes up not long after however 
  • he’s actually p surprised to find you on top of him too
  • but its not like he dislike it in fact sanha finds himself awkwardly wrapping his arms around your waist so you dont roll off on to the floor 
  • he cant help himself
  • i mean you’re close enough for him to so the boy just
  • does it
  • he presses his lips to your forehead and then once more to your temple, smiling shyly at the second kiss
  • its not like you guys haven’t kissed before but it seems more… intimate, in a way, he guesses, when you’re being kissed somewhere that’s not the lips
  • you stir a little bit but just mumble and burrow into his chest and you wrap your arms around him the best you can in his sleep
  • he has to keep from squealing and it is very difficult
  • he’s on his way to nodding off again when he feels his phone vibrating in his pocket and pulls it out
  • his parents are texting him asking if the two of you have had lunch yet and that they’re coming to get him soon
  • crap it’s 1 pm
  • so sanha shakes you awake as best he can while you’re on top of him and the two of you brush really really quickly and throw together a quick lunch
  • you promise to have a sleepover like the one you just had again and the two of you know without saying it that you really, really like sleeping cuddled up together