A coworker gave me a pack of sparklers because we had some leftover from an event, and I thought “when the hell would I even use these,” and then I thought, “oh duh, it’d be nice to cook for a lady.” Maybe I make her a cake, or just buy her a cake, and I put a single sparkler in it, so she has to blow it out like a wacky candle.
And in all seriousness, that’s stupid. That is a stupid gag, BUT it would make the night memorable. Moreso than if I’d just given a woman a cake, sans sparkler. It’s a real story. "He put a sparkler in the cake, and I blew it out, and I was like, a sparkler, whaaaat, but it was sweet. The sparkler was a nice touch.”
Then the next time I make her a meal, maybe a nice steak, I put a sparkler in it too, and she laughs, but it’s not as funny, and she doesn’t laugh as much as the first time, but it’s still nice. And then I still have all these fucking sparklers and I’m like "I’m not going to use these sparklers for regular sparkler purposes. It’s mid July.” So I start putting sparklers in every meal i make for this girl I like. Sparklers sticking out of a tall sandwich, sparklers on a casserole. And then all the sparklers freak her out, and she breaks up with me, and later she’s telling her friends about why we broke up, and she says, “He kept putting sparklers in everything he made me.”
CUT TO: me, sitting alone, drinking a beer. I light a sparkler and drop it in the beer bottle