spanish towns

Saint Martha is so wild, like she was Jesus’ host in Bethany, along with her sister Mary (as in, Mary Magdalene), then Lazarus’ (that Lazarus, who is her brother) resurrection happens, then she’s usually hanging around with her sister in a “passionate-emotional” dynamic (Martha is the aggressive sister, energetic, proactive, while Mary is the calm sister, patient, subdued), but both are very devout to J-man, and they were supposed to represent the different forms of devotion to G-sus: The gung-ho, passionate, assertive Martha, and the calm, impassioned Mary. Later, after Jesus’ death, Martha leaves Judea (that’d be around the year 48 AD), went all the way to France, and Martha, who had grown wise throughout the Bible, managed her and her siblings’ (Mary, Lazarus, and herself) stuff, eventually selling everything and giving the money to the poor after Jesus’ ascension (as per the Golden Legend tells). 

So there she was, a real happy traveling saint, wandering about, when one day, she happens to arrive to this town in France named Tarascon. It was swirling in negativity and fear, for the terrible dragon Tarrasque was terrorizing it. Saint Martha was having None Of This Shit, so she rolled up her sleeves, grabbed her cross and her flask, and went to the woods to have a talk with this abomination (HONESTLY, the Tarrasque was half beast, half fish, bigger than a horse, long and very sharp fangs, the head of a lion, the tail of a snake, and no doubt a huge body-image problem). Once she found its dwelling in the forest, Martha politely war cried and sprinkled holy water on it, wrapped her sash around its neck, sat on its back to ride it, and tamed the fuck out it.

Saint Martha settled in Tarascon after this, where she continued to live day after day by performing prayers and helping people out with her servant, Saint Marcelle, and eventually she died there of old age, no doubt wearing sick shades and brofisting Marcelle while Tarasque was plowing the field for some farmers.

And you think she was done? NO, SAINT MARTHA DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THE DEFINITION OF NOT KICKING ASS 24/7. NOT EVEN DEATH CAN STOP THIS BULLDOZER. A town in Spain, Villajoyosa, holds an annual celebration in honor of Saint Martha, because according to local legend, when Berber pirates came to pillage the small town, Saint “Fuckhouse” Martha came to the rescue by causing a flood on the coast, wiping out the pirate fleet. This happened in the 1500s, which I absolutely interpret as Saint Martha opening her eyes in a frenzy in her crypt, over a shitting thousand years after she died, thrusting her meaty fist out of the concrete tomb, grabbing her cross, muttering “fucking pirates” very violently, POWER SPRINTING all the way from France to that Spanish town, kicking the water, causing a small tsunami, undoing the pirates, and then running back to her tomb to continue being dead.

What I am trying to say here is that Saint Martha is the knees of the bee.

“Yeah I mean it’s been crazy. I never thought I’d be stopped by anyone. So at this moment I’m [filming in this] tiny, little Spanish-speaking town and I went out on Saturday and I got stopped so much. [But this one time] I was having a pee, you know, just minding my own business, and this guy – who’s also having a pee – stands up next to me and turns his head and is like, “WAIT, ARE YOU?“”


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