spanish top model

1. Everyone’s a Little Asian

The DNA tests are in… Matthew, you are NOT the father!

Some genealogy dude shows up and asks the models if they remember spitting into tubes a few weeks ago. Tyra helpfully acts out “spitting” in case they aren’t familiar with the word.

“Ohhhh! Spitting! Yes, now I remember!" 

Mirjana, Lenox, and Raelia learn that they all have some Asian ancestory. Mirjana says she’s excited to be in the house with two other Asians. Of course, in saying that, she’s excluding the two actual Asians. Oh, but wait, they aren’t Asian - both Adam and Shei are Irish, apparently! 

Oh, Adam. Sometimes you make it difficult to hate you.

Next, Matthew and Keith are both pegged as Spanish. Matthew refers to himself as a "Latin lover” with a terrible accent. I’m just glad the stereotypical accents stop there before getting too offensive.

Last but not least, Denzel and Will are told they have something in common. I keep hoping the screen says: “You’re both gay!” to give Denzel a heart attack, but instead:

Damn, those are some specific things, especially compared to the generic “Asian” label used for the three girls earlier. Denzel goes overboard with his feigned excitement at having common ancestry with Will in the hopes that he’ll no longer come across as a jerk. He even shares the news with his beard weave groomer (man, I hope she doesn’t have to put beard weave groomer on her resume):

Her face is all, “Oh, how nice… like I give a fuck.” She’s not alone: no one but Denzel cares about this revelation. When Tyra asks Denzel how he feels about the connection, he calls it “poetic.”

I got a poem for Denzel:

There once was a man named Denzel
Who didn’t like gay men too well.
He thought losing to one would be a disgrace
All the while having fake hair glued to his face. 
I hope they make him wear high heels in hell.

Tyra also asks Mirjana about her lineage, but she words it in a funny way.

With that reaction to the question, you’d think Mirjana’s response is about to be something like, “Oh, Denzel’s condom fell off, but I fished it out.” In reality, Mirjana says she’s owning the fact that she’s Asian now. Then Tyra immediately plays a clip of an Asian woman dissing Mirjana’s picture:

Ouch! You just don’t expect that coming from family!

Anyway, enough about the other models. This was never about them anyway. This was an excuse for Tyra to discuss herself; since she doesn’t have a talk show anymore, she had to finagle it into Top Model so it would get airtime. 

She does a funny walking-and-talking segment on her way to get her results. “People have been asking me my entire life, like, what’s my family history? What’s my this?” Can you imagine what it’s like to have people approach you with personal questions? That would probably suck if “Tyra Banks’s life” wasn’t coincidentally Tyra Banks’s favorite topic of conversation.

I have no doubt about what’s running through Tyra’s veins: drugs. Don’t believe me? Look at how she reacts before she opens the door:

In addition to spitting in a tube, I hope someone made her pee in a cup.

Tyra sits in a strange room with lots of candles and envelopes on a table. She opens the first envelope and learns that she’s 6% Native American. According to the DNA guy, only 1% of people are even 5% Native American, which makes Tyra “very rare.” Quick, someone hide that headdress! I’m surprised that Tyra appears to be zero percent Indonesian. You’d think they’d at least lie and say she was so that she could scream about Bali choosing her all over again.

Then the DNA guy starts revealing information about Tyra’s direct ancestors. Her great great grandfather was a freed slave who owned land. Look at her excitement at seeing that business runs in her blood:

They’re obviously using a family tree rather than spit to look this up though, right? I mean, here they’re naming Tyra’s relatives, whereas Lenox is “some amount of Asian.”

Also, Tyra’s great great great great grandfather fought in the Civil War and was shot twice. After recovering, “he went back and fought some more.”

Well, that or an idiot! It would mean more if Tyra actually respected her heroes. She just made the last man she called a hero (holla holla holla!) dress like a robot and photoshopped his ears out

Let’s give it up for the real hero, though: Tyra Banks. It takes a lot of courage to share intimate details about your background on national television, so I’m sure this must have been a difficult decision for her. It’s reassuring to know that she’s 79% African, 12% British, and 100% Narcissistic. 

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