sovereign you are such an idiot

syndra: once when i was a kid, i told my mom it was a teachers’ work day so i wouldn’t have to go to school but mom’s not an idiot, so of course it didn’t work, but when we got to the school, we found it WAS a teachers’ work day and that made me think i had superpowers so i started trying to kill classmates with my mind to confirm the theory.

karma: you thought you had superpowers, so you immediately attempted to murder everyone.

syndra: go big or go home.

So Alistair in camp one day leans over to Morrigan and says, “I can do magic too, you know.”

And Morrigan replies, “Did I somehow by my presence signal the slightest interest in speaking to you? Please enlighten me if I did. Tis not a mistake I’d like to make again.”

“It’s true,” Alistair says, ignoring what she said because that’s really the only way you can have a conversation with Morrigan, if you really must have a conversation with Morrigan. (There is always the second way, which is to be the Warden, but while Alistair can just about manage to be a warden, he cheerfully acknowledges that it is well beyond him to be The Warden.) “I am a powerful mage well accomplished in the arcane arts, capable of feats of wonder and illusion.”

“I’ll inform the templars. What a pleasure it will be to watch them beat you like a lazy mabari before they drag you to your Circle.”

“You have a way with words. You must be the most popular witch in the whole swamp.”

“Well, now that we’ve killed my mother. Did you have some point to your foolishness or do you talk merely to hear yourself talk?”

“Bit of both, actually. But I thought you might appreciate learning a new spell.” Alistair finishes shuffling the deck of cards he’s been fiddling with. “From one mage to another.”

A few minutes later, the Warden’s walking back to camp with Zevran who had just about finished telling her a story about an assassination at an orgy gone wrong that the Warden estimates is maybe 40 percent true (it’s actually closer to 90–the bear was there, the poison and the aphrodisiac really did get switched, and the only flat out lie was that the Reverend Mother didn’t actually join in, through Zevran privately maintains that she would have if he’d had just a few minutes longer with her, and he’s probably right).

“Horrifying,” the Warden says, but in the sort of amused tone that always failed to sound properly like chastisement.

“Mi amor, I have not even reached the ending! After I clambered naked back up onto the roof–my sweet defenestrator glaring at me most prettily from her broken window across the courtyard, I–”

“NO LIGHTNING IN CAMP,” interrupts him, Alistair’s voice ringing through the trees.

“No? But you have shown me a demonstration of your immense, impressive abilities. T'would be selfish for me to not respond in kind.”

“You are not a fun person, did you know that?”

“You are an idiot, did you know that?”

“Sure, I’m the idiot, but you’re the one who won’t answer one simple question.”

“A simple question, asked by an simpleton.”

“So are you saying this isn’t your card?”

There is the sound of distant thunder. Zevran looks at the
Warden who just sighs. “I told him Morrigan wouldn’t think his card tricks were funny.” She looks over at Zevran. “I bet you a sovereign Morrigan wins.”

“I’ll take that bet. I have faith in our templar,” Zevran replies.

“I have hope they’ll both kill each other and camp will be far quieter. But do we ever get what we want in this world of ours?”

Back at camp, Alistair would like to state for the record that he had in fact pulled out Morrigan’s card. (Morrigan would like to state very much not on the record that she was, despite every single one of her instincts and inclinations, slightly impressed by the feat.)

anonymous asked:

For a while now I've been of the opinion that if Riddler hadn't gotten into doing crimes in question mark pajamas he would've found a far more destructive outlet, like posting on 4chan.

i’m just so into the idea of a horrible kevin trudeau/milo Riddler who presents himself as some kind of folk hero but actually he’s just taking advantage of vulnerable people that he considers rubes

constantly posing things as questions rather than making definitive statements trying to maintain some kind of idiot legal grammatical loophole like those sovereign citizen dipsticks, selling books about how THE GOVERNMENT CAN ONLY TAX YOUR CORPORATE SHELL WHILE YOU ARE A FREE MAN WHO DID NOT CONSENT TO BE TRIED IN A NAVAL COURT and then the riddler gets arrested for tax evasion

i mean if real life kevin trudeau is pulling shit like

then riddler’s gotta STEP HIS GAME UP

(like imagine him doing the exact same thing but the tapes have subliminal messaging encouraging people to send him all their money)

(i actually really liked the jim-carrey-riddler, stealing-other-people’s-brainpower-while-claiming-he-can-make-them-smarter plot tbh, like, say what you want about the rest of the movie but that idea in general was a good one)

Top Ten Signs You're Actually the Villain (Fantasy)
  1. You’ve accidentally acquired a black animal companion, preferably of a maligned variety.  However, after getting to know this crow/snake/fighting fish, you realize that they make excellent and intelligent companions.  Why doesn’t everyone have one?
  2. You realize that you’re vastly smarter, more talented, and more capable than your older sibling.  Said older sibling is, in fact, rather layabout and uninterested in responsibility.  Normally, this would be fine, but since your parents are sovereign and the fate of literally thousands of people depends on having a strong ruler, you wonder if maybe something shouldn’t be done about this. 
  3. Everyone agrees with you on point two and focuses on your older sibling, who only whines about it.  You are standing there, a perfectly viable alternative, already trained and everything.  It is to no avail. 
  4. You suck at physical sports but excel at smooth talking.  Despite the fact that most kings do not need to defeat armies singlehandedly but do need to politicize a lot, everyone seems to look down on you for this failing/skill.
  5. You are willing to use pragmatic methods to get stuff done, ignoring that pesky ‘honor’ thing that seems to do nothing but get a lot of people killed in this particular setting.
  6. You do not immediately trust the plucky traveling bard, the mysterious seeress from the swamp, or the surly ex-soldier who left service for reasons unknown.  You do, however, trust the wizard with years of formal training, experience, and access to the royal library. 
  7. After deposing of your useless older sibling in a distinctly non-deadly manner, you rule the kingdom with a fair but rather stern hand.  Despite the fact that there is no obvious unrest, crisis, socioeconomic problem, or famine, the mere fact that you deposed your older sibling means that “all is not right with the land.”  Several independent parties plan your downfall.
  8. You learn that your unruly older sibling has teamed up with a band of outlaws who, until this point, were fairly well contained.  However, they are now recruiting new members and attacking your own soldiers!  This civil unrest will not be tolerated!  They are outlaws, for Pete’s sake!  What are you supposed to do besides try and have them arrested?
  9. Your downright nefarious older sibling, who has now aligned themselves with thieves and brigands and minor lords of loose fealty, has returned to attack you.  Clearly they have learned nothing, once again turning to brute force before more subtle means.  Deciding that this is further sign of their unfitness to take on the office of sovereign, you seek to have them foiled quietly, perhaps through the hiring of skilled assassins or by cutting them off from their allies.
  10. You are defeated by means of pure and astounding chance, which would have failed spectacularly if even one single factor had gone in your favor.  You sit in the castle dungeon, still swearing that your idiot of an older sibling is going to ruin us all.

I’m so tired of the ‘controversy’ surrounding the deaths of the drug traffickers. No, I don’t agree with the death penalty because it’s 2015 and murdering people for crime is archaic. But Indonesia is a sovereign country and that is their law. You don’t have to agree with it, but you have to respect it. We expect the same of visitors to Australia.

Most importantly to me, people are sentenced to death for not committing crimes every single day. People are murdered for exercising their human right to free speech. They are executed for being gay. But a couple of idiots commit a universally acknowledged crime in a country that reportedly prints the penalties on signs in their airport and the whole nation flips it’s shit. The very same nation that says 'fuck off we’re full’ to refugees and hopes they die at sea or are left to rot (a worse sentence than death IMO) at Nauru in appalling conditions. No one is holding candlelight vigils for those who’ve committed no crime, there is no lobbying of governments by governments for the sake of innocent lives, there is no roving, vulturistic media coverage documenting every minute detail of the process.

The part everyone seems to have glossed over too, is that the Australian Federal Police knew about this. They knew about the drug ring but instead of intercepting on Australian soil, they passed the information to Indonesian authorities knowing what that meant. I didn’t think our law enforcement could conscientiously make decisions of that nature where the death penalty is involved, but apparently they can. Their reasoning? They’ve lost people at the airport in the past. Yes, our AFP have lost drug traffickers at the airport and rather than take that chance they made the choice to let this play out on Indonesian soil. There are many, many layers to the debate here and the cost of life associated with the drugs had they made it to Australia. But I do not accept the actions of the AFP in dealing with a country that actively sentences people to death. And it’s curious that this has been let lie while Indonesia has been given every possible condemnation.

So it then looked incredibly inept for our government to be bending over backwards and lobbying for their lives given the context. It looks like nothing more than a tantrum that we’re removing our ambassador. The holier than thou attitude of this government is becoming more embarrassing with every passing day. In fact, I recently read that the current liberal government removed that guideline and AFP protocol that prevents them from putting Australian citizens in this very position. 

The drug traffickers are victims only of their own stupidity. I feel for their families and friends to a point. I accept that the executions were ultimately politically motivated, and I honestly believe that Indonesia will go about repealing the death penalty in the near future as a final thumb of the nose. Widodo is reportedly, not a fan. But that is their law of the time.

There are innocent people that this country refuses to bat for, but for criminals…. every resource will do. Think about that.

anonymous asked:

Could we get a fic when Garrett gives Fenris the favour? (≧ω≦)

He kept running the red fabric through his hands anxiously, his stomach churning as he made his way to the Hanged Man. Marian, who walked alongside him, kept winking at him knowingly with a mischievous grin on her face - she knew all too well what that simple bit of fabric meant.

It was something their father had told them a long time ago, in a rare story about his own family before he was taken to the Circle.

“Our family has always had a custom,” he explained when the twins asked about the red favour their mother wore around her wrist. “When we care deeply for someone, we give them a favour. It is how we show our affection. But we don’t give them to just anyone. It must be someone special. A person you can’t dream of living without.”

Garrett still felt sick to his stomach, stowing the red favour into his pocket as they reached Lowtown.

The past few weeks had felt like a dream really. It was strange to think Fenris might seriously return his affections. The kiss they had shared ought to have confirmed that, but the time following that evening had left them at a strange in between. More than friends, but not quite lovers. And the line seemed to grow murkier with every passing day.

The hand holding, the way Fenris so casually rested his hand on Garrett’s thigh beneath the table during their evenings in the Hanged Man, the heated glances. It stirred something in Garrett, and he was finally starting to understand what his father had meant when he said about sharing a favour with the person who you cared most for.

But that didn’t mean he wasn’t horribly anxious. What if Fenris wasn’t looking for something serious? What if he didn’t want a long term thing? What if he decided they were better off as friends?

He knew at least one of those scenarios was unlikely, yet it ate away at him regardless, and it must have shown.

“Is something the matter?” asked Fenris, cocking an eyebrow at Garrett as he took his seat.

“Hm? Oh, nothing,” he said. “I- it’s nothing.”

Fenris didn’t look at all convinced, but didn’t push it further. Instead he settled for slipping his hand up Garrett’s thigh as he always did, giving him a brief suggestive squeeze that prickled at Garrett’s skin.

“I think he needs some attention,” Isabela suggested, winking at Garrett and grinning dirtily. Garrett blushed and she giggled, barking at Fenris, “hurry up and bend him over already. You can use my room if you like.”

“You’re so generous,” Fenris replied flatly, seemingly unperturbed.

Isabela shrugged “I’m a giver. Unlike you.”

“He would be, if Hawke would be a taker,” Varric interjected as he shuffled the cards, apparently ignoring Garrett’s rising blush. “Unless he wants to be the one giving it.”

“If we could talk about something else please,” Anders groaned loudly, as though reading Garrett’s mind. “I don’t need that picture in my head.”

“Why?” Marian teased. “Jealous?”

“I came here to play cards and lose my money, not to hear about Varric and Isabela’s sexual fantasies,” the mage said a little snappily. Garrett frowned, but decided it was probably because it had been a long day. The clinic had been somewhat busy as of late.

“Okay, okay Blondie. Didn’t mean to hit a nerve-”

“The Hawke nerve,” Isabela giggled, though Varric and Anders elected to ignore her.

“Who wants to be dealed in?”

The game went on as it usually did - with Isabela and Marian cheating and everyone else a few sovereigns poorer.

As it got late, Garrett and Fenris decided it was time to get going and departed. Alone together, walking up the steps to Hightown, Garrett decided now was the time.

He cleared his throat, reaching into his pocket.

“I… uh, I have something for you,” he said.

Fenris stopped, looking up at him with eyebrows raised.

“Another gift is not necessary, Garrett,” he said earnestly.

“It’s not like the book. It’s a different sort of gift.” Maker, he sounded like an idiot. Still he held out the favour.

Fenris blinked, then looked up at him in confusion.

“It is… a hankerchief?”

It was Garrett’s turn to be confused for a moment.

“What? No, no! It’s a uh…” he cleared his throat. “Well it’s just that, in my family, when we care deeply for another person-” he sounded like an idiot as he rambled “-we give them a… a favour. To show them… that we care.”

He must have been glowing in the dark if the burning sensation in his face was any indicator.

Fenris stared blankly at him for a few moments, stunned, then looked down at the red cloth.

“You… intend to give me a favour?” He asked disbelievingly, his voice quiet.

“It’s a bit cheesy, I know, but…” Garrett sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Maybe this was a bad idea-!”

He was cut off by firm lips pressing against his own, hands buried deep in his hair and his back being pressed up against the wall. It took him a moment to process that he was being kissed, but it took him far less time to respond, kissing back eagerly and with more confidence than ever before. He even dared to wedge his thigh between Fenris’ legs, eliciting a moan from the elf that he swallowed down with pride.

When they finally broke apart, they were both grinning giddily, and Garrett felt the prickling sensation against his skin again. This time he could make a fair guess as to what it was, and it had everything to do with the growing ache in his lower abdomen.

“You… are a ridiculous man, Garrett Hawke,” Fenris breathed after a moment or two.

“Does this mean you’ll accept it?” asked Garrett.

Fenris nodded and stepped back, allowing Garrett to tie the favour around his wrist. Garrett felt his heart pounding in his chest, though it was certainly nothing to do with anxiety this time. He felt more alive than he could have imagined, and finally he felt ready.

“Stay the night with me?” he asked.

Fenris paused. Then finally he confessed, “I have been thinking of you. In fact I have been able to think of little else. You are certain you are ready?”

Garrett grinned, heart thumping in his chest. “There’s nothing I want more.”

Fenris wrapped a hand around Garrett’s, raising the knuckles to his lips.

“Then perhaps we should make haste to your home,” he suggested darkly. “I doubt Aveline would be pleased if her guards found us here.”

Good idea, Garrett thought, suddenly more eager than ever to get home.

My Thursdays with Oakley - A Halloween special

Oakley and his playmate are back for a quick, smutty intermezzo. Beware, angst, bits of non-consensual stuff and a little gore is to be found here.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN LOVELIES!

I was more than happy that Oakley didn´t insist on celebrating Halloween in the conventional, classic way. As far as he told me, he was invited to at least fifteen parties, and I myself, well, got two invitations anyway. How bored I was by that idea. I didn´t need to dress up in order to get drunk and embarrass myself at my friends´ places or at some bar.

Generally, I like the idea of this holiday: scaring evil spirits away with dressing up in terrifying disguises or taking a moment of silence to commemorate dear departed ones, as some cultures do.

Also, handing out sweets to dressed up kids was fun. Just seeing how happy they were, in their neatly made and cute little costumes, cheered my heart.

One of my problems with Halloween was that whenever I came up with a clever idea for a costume, which was at all times far from the typical Slutty Officer of Sexy Zombie Nurse, the painstakingly tailored piece of guise was either shredded to tatters by some drunk idiot at the first party I went to or christened with beer or vomit at the last. Let alone my frustration when people didn´t recognize what I was masquerading as. I suppose even Anne Boleyn was a choice that overwhelmed my friends´ investigative skills at a Famous Dead Sovereigns themed Halloween party, though I showed up with an artfully severed head and an I love Henry – paper pennant. 

Long story short, my enthusiasm for this tradition diminished over the years, but I guess that just happens when you grow up.

Oakley seemed to sense my un-willingness to go to one of the upcoming parties and planned something completely different, a circumstance I was thankful for. It still surprised me that this boy, who had caused me so much heartache and desperation before we finally resolved our issues and got together, could be so sweet and considerate, if he wanted to.

 

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Watch on matt-ruins-feminisms-shit.tumblr.com

This is what happens when you elect a feminist. Millions of dollars spent on an ad campaign to basically tell people to not be a dick. This is what feminists do, use their power and platform to bitch at everyone about their personal grievances. And when they are elected feminists they do it with other peoples money. They may as well have issued ads saying hey..don’t do bad things…bad things are not good. A 41 million dollar message from your government. I’m not exaggerating they paid 41 million dollars for this. This is also from the province with the worlds largest sub sovereign debt. Nice priorities idiots.