south park scientology

Back in 2005, South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone made headlines by using their show to attack an organization previously considered untouchable: Scientology. They did so by attacking its most famous acolyte, Tom Cruise, in an episode entitled “Trapped In The Closet” (we’ll let you figure out what angle of attack they chose to go with). The episode caused quite a stir, especially when noted Scientologist and sexiest-voice-haver Isaac Hayes quit the show because of it.

But after a brief media battle, Scientology seemingly backed down and went back to bad-mouthing mental-health care. However, in 2011 a high-level defector started leaking Scientologist reports, some of which revealed that the organization hadn’t stopped waging war on South Park at all – they had just gone cold.

Scientology’s second-favorite way of dealing with detractors, next to suing the pants off people and then going back for the socks, is digging up dirt. Literally, as first Scientology hired a bunch of private investigators to go to the South Park offices and go through their trash. Not only that, these PIs also wrote down license plates, logged employee lunch habits, and reported on which offices were vulnerable enough for a “special collection.” Next, they started profiling Parker and Stone’s employees to find out who would be vulnerable enough to “interview,” trying to get their close friends and colleagues to reveal anything that would embarrass two guys who make puppets 69 for a living.

Scientology Spied On South Park: 5 Plots Against Celebrities

Stan Marsh: And best of all, I wrote that all the Scientologists should no longer have to pay money to belong. 

Scientology President: What? 

Stan: I realize that to really be a church, we can’t charge people for help.

President: What are you, stupid?! Then how do we make money from those people?! 

Stan: …Well, it’s not about the money. It’s about the message, right?

President: Wait a minute, whoa, whoa! You don’t actually believe this crap, do you?? Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?? E-meters and thetan levels?? Those people out there buy that crap, and I thought YOU were smart enough to see what was really going on! 

Stan: But you said that there were–

President: What’s better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?!  Having them PAY you for it, stupid! 

Stan: But then, why me? Why do you need me to write something so badly?

President: Because if those people all think you’re the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, then they’ll all buy your new writings, and you and I together will make three million dollars! 

Stan: Three million dollars? 

President: That’s how the scam works! But this is a scam on a global scale! Do you fucking get me now?!

-”South Park”