soup nazis

It was time to renew my driver’s license.

At my local DMV it’s hit or miss whether the person helping will be some combination of the Soup Nazi and Lily Tomlin at the phone company or a nice person trying to make dealing with government as smooth as possible.

I don’t care to hear other people’s conversations. Indoor voices, please! The guy in the safety vest easy to see and hear.

He had a deep, booming voice with a northern Minnesota accent. His business today was to renew his DL and get new tabs for his pickup truck. He hadn’t renewed the tabs in a while. The issue was if he renewed today they would only be good for a few months because they expire in July. There’s no prorated discount of course; you can’t just start over with a new twelve-month period.

“Well! I gotta go fishin’! Need muh truck to pull the boat to the op’ner! You like to fish?”

The DMV lady smiled and said that she too liked to fish.

“So I guess I’ll take those new tabs even if dey are only good for a few months! Gotta be able to get muh boat to the op’ner!”

He then told (all of us) fishin’ stories. “You shoulda seen that northern this one time…”

The DMV lady kept quickly processing paperwork as she told a few fish stories too. I really did grin listening to these two.

Finally another employee called my number. I had my form filled out. Exact payment with cash was in my hand so I didn’t have to waste a moment signing a check. After paying I might even have looked straight ahead and stepped sideways to the camera like Jerry and George moved down the soup line.

For the record the DMV employee who helped me was as friendly and polite as a jeweler trying to sell a Rolex. She even asked me if the picture she took was acceptable to me.

It was and I was out of there in record time.

I like how the entire Captain America fandom has collectively decided to live in a universe where Bucky is fine now and he hangs out with Steve and Sam all day like they’re roommates and Natasha is the wacky neighbor that comes over uninvited to eat all their food

The Something Else

Kramer’s beautiful singing voice lures sailors to crash into Manhattan. George engages Jerry in a battle of wits, and overconfidently declares “Never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line!” Elaine breaks up with—and then reconciles with—Puddy 471 times in a single day. Frank and Estelle get into a shouting match so fierce the neighbors show up and start placing bets. Uncle Leo starts wearing a toupee he found in the trash. Morty and Helen get kicked out of another retirement community when a neighbor accuses them of money laundering after finding some wadded-up cash in one of the facilities’ washing machines. The Soup Nazi finds great success in Brazil. Peterman slowly metamorphoses into a flying squirrel, and glides from skyscraper to skyscraper in Manhattan. Bania insists that “the vest” is “the best” article of clothing. The dead mobster in the foundation of Jerry’s building is unearthed by the building’s super, but will only sing and dance when nobody else is watching. Newman gets sick in the middle of his mail route and vomits into his mail bag, then spends the rest of the day trying to recreate fresh pieces of mail by forging the ruined letters. Jerry’s skeleton has its own comedy career.

people that need to be stopped

• people who say nucular instead of nuclear
• people who eat coleslaw or mayonnaise
• feminazis
• grammar nazis
• soup nazis
• actual nazis
• people who put pineapple on pizza
• people who use gay, nerd, dork, dummy, doofus, butt and stupidhead as actual insults
• just assholes in general
• people who buy pulpy fruit juice on purpose
• pre-teens on xbox live
• anyone over 6'2"
• people who don’t think pluto is a real planet
• vampires
• australians