soul of my shoes

Should you fight them: Russian leaders from 1855 onwards edition

Tsar Alexander II: leave alexander II alone. he just wants to free serfs and liberalize the legal system without having his authority threatened by the nobility. If you fight him you will definitely win, but, you’d be a bad person.

Tsar Alexander III: PLS FITE HIM. I mean, he’s big and burly and stoic and conservative and everything a Russian tsar is “supposed” to be so you will probably get all your limbs broken, but he is a dick, so fight him anyway.

Tsar Nicholas II: Fight him. You will undoubtedly win. He will run all the way to your duel by foot, by means of an extremely dumb and unnecessarily long route, (accidentally fighting the wrong person along the way) and be already totally wiped by the time he arrives. Even when it’s clear it’s a losing battle, and everyone he knows is telling him to just back out of the fight already, he will refuse, consequently pissing off everyone on his side and driving them to beat him up FOR you.

Vladimir Lenin: Don’t fight Lenin. He’s probably been planning his fight strategy for a decade. Bad idea.

Joseph Stalin: Um. Yeah. Don’t fight him. I dont think i need to explain myself, y’all already know the gory deets. Just, yikes, as much as fighting him would be amazing, pls stay far far away. 

~~fast forward~~

Nikita Khrushchev: If you fought him you would winbut he’d probably just read you an angry speech, throw a shoe at you, and then run away to watch star trek.

Leonid Brezhnev: Don’t fight him. He’s got a whole squad of underlings forced to come to his defense and fight you against their will, so, yeah. Don’t.

~~fast forward~~

Mikhail Gorbachev: You could definitely fight him, but you should probably just leave him be. He’ll probably just end up accidentally beating himself up, you wont even have to lift a finger. Anyway, he has a grammy and you don’t, so he’s won in the game of life. 

~~fast forward~~

Putin: i would say fight him but if he caught wind of your plans you would disappear off the face of the earth before you even got a chance.

“And now the bloody bastards have won”

“Every day of the week, Reg”

I’m like six months late to the party, but I just finished reading Night Watch and I understand now. That was…really sad. I feel so bad for Reg.


First THERE’S A CHANCE of Mirio getting his quirk back with the help from Eri’s quirk!!! 

Second, the Wild Wild Pussycats came back!!!






remember last time: 


Space Australia

So I was looking at a few of these old posts and started to wonder if anyone has done this but with Gen Z


—- (Gen) Z:I want to die.

Alien:NO! Are you okay? Are you hurt? Do you need help?

Z:mental help? Yes.

Alien:where do we recieve this? What is it?


—- Z:*watches a ship explode* Same

Alien:What? I don’t understand.


—- Z:*looks into space* Wow… that’s as black and dull as my soul right now.

Alien:The soles of your shoes are white???


——Z:*sees alien* DON’T LAY YOUR EGGS IN ME?

alien:Why would—???


—-Z:Wow. This looks like that one planet from Star Wars.

Alien:You guys had a space war? When?


——Z:*sees a dead body* me on the inside

Alien:Yes, you do have a skeleton. Why are you pointing that out?


——Alien:The vault is empty!

Z:YEET! *throws a wrench*


—-Human:*having a mental breakdown*

Alien:What… What is this? I thought humans could function on a daily basis.


—-Gen Z:Some*breaks down door* BODY ONCE TOLD ME

The 1975 inspired starters!


  • “Man I’m so high. I think I love you.”
  • “I don’t wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your neck.”
  • “You look so cool”
  • “I know when you’re around because I know the sound of your heart.”
  • “You should be loving someone”
  • “I like it when you sleep for you so beautiful and yet so unaware of it.”
  • “I love you, don’t you mind.”
  • “I know it’s me that’s supposed to love you.”
  • “This must be my dream.”
  • “I want you now.”
  • “This song is about me and I love you…”


  • “So I heard you found somebody else…”
  • “Don’t call it a fight when you know it’s a war”
  • “You’re walking overdose…”
  • “You call yourself a friend?”
  • “You’re cold and I burn, I guess I’ll never learn.”
  • “Why don’t figure my heart out?”
  • “If I told you I need you, is that what you want?”
  • “Our love has gone cold.”
  • “I wanna see you but you’re not mine.”
  • “Does he take care of you, or could I easily fill his shoes?”
  • “I can’t give you my soul”
  • “You just write about sex and killing yourself and how you hardly ever went to school”


  • “Finding a girl who’s equally as pretty won’t be hard.”
  • “I’m done baby, I’m out of the scene.”
  • “You’re mad thinking you could ever save me.”
  • “What does it matter if I lie to you?”
  • “You got a beautiful face but got nothing to say.”
  • “Love me if that’s what you wanna do.”
  • “Man you’re putting me up on a shelf.”
  • “You and your fit friends, I’d take them all out anyday.”
  • “I don’t want your body but I hate to think about you with somebody else.”
  • “I just had a change of heart”
  • “You used to have a face straight out of a magazine, now you just look like anyone.”
  • “Why do you talk so loud?”
  • “What happened to just messing around?”
  • “ You know I can’t be found with you”
  • “ It’s not about reciprocation it’s just all about me”


  • “Oh I was thinking about killing myself, don’t you mind?”
  • “And she just wants to feel something and I don’t think that’s asking for too much.”
  • “ I can’t believe that we’re talking about him”
  • “I’ve been so worried ‘bout you lately. You look shit and you smell a bit.”
  • “I think he might die!”
  • "If you don’t wanna go to hell then, Miss, you better start selling this.”
  • “And in the end, she chose cocaine but it couldn’t fix her brain”
  • “ I think you can tell I haven’t been doing too well”


  • “If you wanna find love then you know where the city is”
  • “We’re all just the same, what a shame.”
  • “Don’t fall in love with the moment and think you’re in love with the girl.”
  • “If I’m lost then how can I find myself?”
  • “They’re just girls breaking hearts.”
  • “You say I’m such a cliché”
  • “When the smoke is in your eyes you look so alive.”
  • “So far it’s alright.”
  • “Well I think we better go.”
  • “What’s the fun in doing what you’re told?”
  • “I’m petrified of being alone, it’s pathetic I know…”
  • “If we’re gonna do anything we might as well just fuck”
  • “ Don’t you wanna take me up in the clouds?”
  • “You know he likes to get blown”
  • “Well, shouldn’t you be fucking with somebody your age instead of making changes?”
  • “ You call me when you’re bored and you’re playing with yourself”
Great Come Experience Part One

My Experience at Natasha, Pierre & the Great Comet of 1812:

Disclaimer: I’ve sat in banquette seating four times. I’ve been able to see most of the theater, but I’m going to be a little heavy on the Marya D. and Hélène stuff because I’m super gay, and like… Grace McLean and Amber Gray, amirite?


·       So it started with this jaunty music, and the whole cast comes out with the pierogi baskets, and you get dumplings if you wave your arms enough. Also each cast member has a section and converses with the audience for like almost five minutes. It’s great, because you can just talk to the people, and I was in Pearl Rhein’s section twice (fell in love both times, holy shit her eyebrows and wow is she tall). She said she loved my shoes and hair and I felt my soul ascend.

·       Oh forgot to mention that while you wait for it to start there’s this upbeat Russian music going on, and it’s great.

·       Also during the introductory no cell phones thing, this guy announces it in a heavy Russian accent, and after each thing, the cast goes “нет” and the ones like Pearl Rhein, and Sumayya Ali point to people with their bow strings and you don’t even think of disobeying because if not you’ll be given to KGB and sent off to Siberia.


·       It starts once the air siren goes off

·       Natasha cries out “No!” when Andrey leaves for war, and there’s this whole necklace exchange, that’ll be significant later.

·       And Pierre is just up on the top level in front of the doors.

·       He begins to sing, and usually before that there’s raucous applause.

·       Pierre sings his verse, and then the whole cast joins in, and it’s a magical moment.

·       Then the lights go up, and everyone has shot glasses.

·       So each time someone is introduced via their lines, they get a spotlight and take a shot.

·       So, during Sonya’s she and Natasha cross arms and take a shot that way, and it’s so cute.

·       Whenever Marya takes a shot, she makes a face like “yes, that’s the stuff” and it’s such a beautiful facial expression. Also her hair is what I live for. The updo is so precise, and perfect. I want to do that. Also she’s got these streaks of lighter/greying hairs which I always go crazy for.

·       During this, the actor who plays Andrey, is off changing into his Bolkonsky costume (for me it was Nicholas Belton twice, and Blaine Alden Krauss twice when Nick left for personal days three shows before it closed).

·       He comes back on in that costume, with his instrument. And it’s really quite funny.


·       Immediately they meld into Pierre just after Prologue, and it’s great.

·       During this, they’ve all got their shot glasses still.

·       When the line “il est charmant, il ne pas de sexe. He is charming he has no sex” the women all twirl around him. And Hélène is front and center spotlighted on the middle “balcony” and she’s just got so much attitude

·       Also Marya’s expressions are amazing and I will continue to mention them. Even when she’s just sitting in the background, she’s got such a presence.

·       When the line “how many men before good Russian men…” comes up, and Pierre speculates about who leaves tootless and bald, Anatole gets a spotlight and he just scoffs and saunters around stage as if to say “yeah right, not me bitch”

·       During that last note, where everyone is going ‘ahhhhh’ it’s so much more intense than the cast recording and they hold it forever honestly. Everyone is gathered on the two “banister” levels of the main stage, and they’re all just intently staring at Pierre, and some are practically hanging over the railings. Hélène is especially like “ugh, this guy”.


·       After a pause for applause, we go into Moscow. The ensemble mostly exits, or at least gets somewhere on the outskirts of the stage.

·       Marya hands off her shotglass to someone. And as the music starts, she is wandering around inspecting things with a critical eye.

·       When Natasha sings her name, she looks just so excited and thrilled. But reins it in to sing her name back.

·       When Sonya does her thing, she like starts the “sofia” part like she’s almost forgotten her name. And it’s clear Marya does not like Sonya. There’s a whole backstory on why from the books so go read them.

·       When she does the “Welcome, welcome to Moscow” she just goes for it, and both Natasha and Sonya visibly jump. The whole audience does honestly.

·       She points to various audience members during “faded and fading princesses” “gossips and crybabies”. And it’s great.

·       When she does her whole “bring in their things” the ensemble rushes around to grab the extra props and stuff, and they’re so terrified of and respect Marya.

·       She goes off down the middle orchestra stage, and Natasha and Sonya do their impression of Marya’s growling voice. It’s so cute.

·       When Natasha says “but I can’t bear this waiting” Sonya looks so sad and exasperated. She follows Marya’s path and they meet up in the rear of the theater. They reaapproach Natasha and Marya is leading Sonya by her shoulders, and she’s like over half a head taller than Sonya (Grace McLean is sorta tall, but she’s in heels to further emphasize her stature. And I want those shoes they’re fabulous).

·       Oh both Sonya and Natasha are mostly in flats so we see them as delicate and innocent I suppose. It helps with the height comparison.

·       When Marya and Sonya get to the top of the stairs that leads to the main stage, Marya sort of pushes Sonya away, and she braces herself against the banister while Marya goes to dote on Natasha.

·       They drink tea (laced with rum).

·       Oh and something you don’t notice are the Bolkonsky’s. During all of this, Bolkonsky is fiddling with a knife, and visibly trembling (probably some sort of dementia) and Mary is nervously watching, and trying to help but he keeps shaking her off so she reads her bible.

·       She also crosses over when Marya mentions her in the song.

The Private and Intimate Life of a House:

·       We start with Bolkonsky’s part of the song. He takes a really long pause before “people enjoy me” to stare to his left at the audience and waves creepily/awkwardly. It always gets a laugh.

·       When he sings powdered wig, he pats his and a puff of powder erupts from it.

·       During “such a majestic and agreeable spectacle” Mary stands from the stair she is on leading up to the mezzanine.

·       Then she launches into her haunting part about there being 22 more hours in the day.

·       When he starts ordering her around, she looks just so frightened, and does this trembling bow, and Gelsey Bell is an actual goddess.

·       When she does her whole “and I have no friends no never go anywhere” she runs across and around the stage wringing and waving her hands tragically. Mary needs a hug. Someone please hug this poor woman.

·       The whole “I can hurt you” is said by Mary with such fierceness that she quickly turns to reassurance to the audience that she never ever ever would. And she loves her father so much, but he’s such an abusive asshole. Like fucks sake I’m angry about this.

·       So the difference between Nicholas and Blaine seems so much more intense when he sings certain parts like “worthless and dumb”. He really does the shouty, angry old man act well.

·       So Mary makes an audience member stand and she pretends he’s her suitor. Then Bolkonsky turns to another audience member and kisses and nuzzles her and it’s hilarious for everyone involved.

·       Then the servent (Paul Pinto) who walked hunched almost completely over, brings that table shot glasses.

·       The whole “where are my glasses” bit is so so much more frightening live. The first time I heard it (and didn’t know the show at all) I was actually terrified for Mary. And she looks just so horrified, and upset by the entire thing.

·       Also during this, the music is haunting, and Marya D. stands from where she’s been sitting and observing (with such a haughty and regal expression) to ominously play the cowbell. It’s such an interesting addition that I didn’t notice the first time.

Natasha & Bolkonsky’s:

·       So the servant announces Natasha’s presence, and Mary is just so awkward the entire time.

·       They do the chair thing in complete silence. Mary goes over to get her chair (that Hélène has been lounging on this entire time and Hélène moves to drape herself on the staircase. That’s another thing. Hélène even when off focus, just languidly and sensually drapes herself onto surfaces).

·       They do their chair thing in the middle of the main table section of the audience. And it’s so tense.

·       They both stand when singing their “I don’t like her” verse. Then two ensemble members bring them tea (one is Lulu Fall, and I think the other may have been Shoba Narayan. Pretty sure in fact.

·       Then they move to another spot and fake laugh at each other.

·       Then Bolkonsky comes out in his underthings and scares the shit out of Natasha.

·       Then Natasha tearfully tries to leave and Mary realizes that they fucked up and tries to put it right, but Natasha intensely yells at Mary who jumps back and holds out her hands in defense, so you know this girl has been seriously verbally abused at the very least.

No One Else:

·       The lighting changes to this beautiful blue (made even more beautiful by the fact that Dave Malloy is supposedly color blind and can see blue well, but not red so you just sob thinking about that)

·       And Natasha looks so much like a princess in this moment. Everything is wonderful and heartbreaking.

·       Andrey comes onstage and has a bundle of her letters. It snows over him, and Natasha reaches for him but they don’t touch, and he leaves again. She just looks so longing.

·       When I first saw it the last lines about him maybe being in the drawing room and her just forgetting he was there was so emotional and heartbreaking, I just teared up.

The Opera:

·       Cue dramatic music change. Marya does her whole “the opera the opera” part and she seems so excited to be sharing this with Natasha and even Sonya. Also the growl though!

·       The Servent (Paul Pinto again) is in this emcee costume type thing and it’s so sparkly and extra with a top hat and everything.

·       When everyone else comes out you are just so amazed by the costumes. Like wow. In an interview, the designer Paloma Young talked about how they’re meant to look opulent and splendid from a distance, but up close you see they’re cheaply made to represent the false splendor of 19th century Russia and I am so angry they didn’t win best costume design.

·       So all of the women have their own unique costume and color scheme. Even the swings get their own unique outfit. It’s fantastic and fits each person so well. So like Lulu Fall is in red, obviously. And Shoba has this orange and looks so beautiful. And Cathryn Wake has a bright blue number, and don’t even get me started on Celia Mei Rubin’s costume. I love her so much and am so happy I got to see her swing on twice.

·       Even the two opera dancers have like fancy clothing which they quickly exit to change into their actual opera outfits.

·       Both Natasha and Sonya are so enchanted. And Marya gives Natasha that flower for her hair. And she adjusts Sonya’s headfeather thing.

·       She’s also so judgmental about Anna Mikhaylovna’s headdress.

·       Then Hélène sees Natasha and is instantly drawn in. (Side note: every woman in this show is so gay for Natasha except for Marya D. who is too busy being gay for Hélène sorry I don’t make the rules it’s a thing).

·       When the servant does his announcement of the people, Dolokhov saunters around stage, and kisses a woman’s hand and then makes her kiss his. It’s great.

·       And Hélène just flounces around twirling and displaying her body and outfit. She’s got two main dresses, and this one is like her main one sorta. So it’s black, with green underskirts, and fringes and it’s so pretty I want one now.

·       Side note: Marya actually is wearing something not entirely red. Like it’s got red accents, but is mostly dark with gold patterns that sorta look tinged greenish. Nod to her romantic entanglements to Hélène? Coincidence? I think not!

·       And Natasha is so taken with Hélène, it’s so gay!

·       When Hélène starts talking to Natasha, Marya and Sonya are over to the side, and when Marya sees what’s going on, she quickly (nearly runs) over to intervene. She places herself between Natasha and Hélène, and looks so huffy when Natasha keeps interrupting. And her whole “woman you should stay far away from” is said without taking her eyes off of Hélène. Like, girl, you make out with her next act. I see your thirst don’t deny it.

·       Then the actual opera starts and holy shit is it weird to see live. The two dancers prance about. And both Gelsey Bell and Paul Pinto are the opera singers. Their voices (Gelsey’s especially) are just so haunting, and the noises Gelsey makes are fucking weird, but wow are you just so impressed by it.

·       Also, during on point the opera dancer (Mary Page Nance though the first time I saw it Celia Mei Rubin was swinging for Ani Taj) jerks her arms towards herself and pants comedically. It’s really quite funny.

·       Holy shit I’ve got a lot to say just noticed. And we’re not done yet.

·       Okay, so the opera pauses and we interlude onto Sonya and Natasha who look so bored and confused. And Natasha gets up and waltzes about the stage while Sonya narrates.

·       So Anatole makes his entrance and the big doors open and this blinding light surrounds him. The entire cast turns to marvel at this wonder, and audience included they all shield their eyes. Yes it’s that bright. Anatole does this weird head thing to the beat of the music like he’s reveling in the attention.

·       He walks down the stairs and starts kissing and nuzzling an audience member then pats the closest male member to her as if to say “good on you mate”

·       He goes right to Hélène and taps his cheek for her to kiss him but moves his head to she kisses him on the lips instead. That’s her delighted laugh you can hear on the soundtrack. In the book the relationship is heavily implied to be incestuous. Suck on that George RR Martin. Tolstoy’s already done siblings being weirdly attracted to each other.

·       The opera resumes and most of the ensemble has joined in on the show. There’s people on the stairs to the mezzanine wearing these creepy hooded costumes with long fingers. And others dresses as soldiers. And the Andrey actor comes out bloodied while the two dancers tear off his coat and pull long flowy sheets from him to resemble blood. He holds out a crumpled red ribbon towards Natasha who shrinks away terrified.

·       During this stuff Dolokhov, Hélène, and Anatole are on the middle level banister part and applaud in slow motion. Marya is seated on the top level and does so as well. She just really loves the opera.

Natasha & Anatole:

·       Okay so during this, it’s the two of them in the box together.

·       So I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. But, when Natasha sings the part about there being “nothing formidable…not a barrier of modesty I’ve always felt with men” for some reason this makes her attraction to him so much more believable. Because see, she’s a young woman in 19th century Russia where men and women don’t converse this casually. So for her, this is probably the first time a man outside her family has spoken to her like a real person instead of just some woman they must be cordial to. And I hate their relationship so much, but it’s so understandable that this impressionable young woman be taken with someone who actually treats her like someone worth talking to. Like, Andrey has this distant smile and is probably really formal with her, but here this dude is being all approachable and shit.

·       Like jesus Christ stop hating on Natasha. You fan girls will jump through hoops to defend Anatole; og fuckboi of the century just because he’s pretty, even though he’s literally at fault so much more in this situation. Like c’mon he’s a grown ass man. Fucks sake…

·       So a few more things. He grabs her flower at one point.

·       Also, the last line about there being nothing between them has a double meaning. So yes, there’s nothing between them in terms of like space, or something in the way of their mutual attraction, but like also they just met. This relationship is not build on anything substantial so there is like literally nothing really between them.

The Duel:

·       Okay so visually I love this song so much. It’s such a fantastic thing, but I kept listening to the soundtrack and that’s what really got me.

·       Before it starts Anatole is just upstage and mimes a head explosion motion. It’s great. Like, I hate this character, but Lucas Steele is just such a good actor for the part.

·       Okay so Anatole comes back to the Bezukhov household all like ‘c’mon we going to drink tonight’ and Dolokhov comes in with a tray and spins it while pouring what I’ll assume is vodka, but who knows.

·       The music gets intense and the seizure lights start. A rave scene in 19th century Russia. Sign me the fuck up. The first time I had to shut my eyes, but the next three times I actually kept them open to watch everything, and it honestly wasn’t bad at all.

·       Side note: I love the whole drink with me my love part. It is just a great line.

·       So just a few things I’ve seen. One of the ensemble members (I think it’s Josh Canfield) is wearing a leather crotch harness, and green speedo. (Side note: I’m probably going to mess up on who each male ensemble member is because I’m way better versed in the women. I think it’s a side effect of being a huge lesbian…) Mary is wearing these huge aviator/mad scientist goggles (and yes I’m choosing to believe Mary has finally gotten out of the house let me have this). During the chaos so much is happening. So Marya D. is dressed up in this latex catsuit, and a riding crop complete with like a mesh covered boob window thing because Marya is always in something highnecked even as a secret deviant in a druggy club. (So different cast sources claim Grace McLean is actually playing someone called Catya, but costume designer says that “secret deviant… Marya is part of the aesthetic so I choose to believe it really is Marya but she’s disguised with these huge sunglasses. Also she spanks multiple people with that riding crop so like… wow if I didn’t know I was gay before…

·       To continue, during this Balaga is going down on Sonya (though technically it’s the actor Paul Pinto who plays a lot of roles, so it could be anyone at this point), someone does a line of “cocaine” (it’s sugar), Josh Canfield just slides across one part of the stage and almost into the table section. And everything is so sexual, and it’s the best. Like Grace McLean goes from humping Josh Canfield, to drinking with Dolokhov. During the climax (ha!) of the scene there’s that whole bit about “the health of married women and their lovers” and I just love this line so much. Hélène is so mocking of Pierre. Some ensemble members mime throwing up into the audience from drinking too much, and Mary is just hugging a banister pole and slumped on the ground. Girl doesn’t get out much.

·       Just before the big duel, Marya pulls Anatole aside to give him an impromptu blowjob. Like they exchange the riding crop and hit each other with it, and she gets down on her knees while he unzips his pants but then everything stops and Pierre is like “bitch, don’t touch my wife” to Dolokhov, and everyone immediately turns their attention to that (Grace, Brittain Ashford (Sonya), and a few others slip out to presumably change costume. The ensemble take seats to see the fun, and I was sat right next to Blaine and Heath Saunders while they talked about the duel (everyone is always talking when off-mic too) and he nudged me when the announcer was like “as the adversary’s…” and Blaine said to me “no they have not” and I was just like “not at all” back to him. Wow.

·       There’s that whole duel thing, and beforehand, Hélène is like “he will kill you” to Pierre and her voice just breaks. This part of the play is when you can really see just how much more complex their relationship is. Because Hélène’s actions show that on some level she really does care for Pierre’s wellbeing because when Dolokhov is shot she just gasps and you can’t even really hear it, but when Dolokhov shoots, she just gives out this bloodcurdling scream of horror and distress. And for the rest of the scene she’s just in shock, and exits by slowly walking up the stairs. I saw her expression up close, and she was just in shock, and devastated, and it was a turmoil of emotions.

·       TL;DR Hélène is not the monster people love to make her out to be. And I love her and will defend her with my life. Fight me.

·       While Anatole leaves he mimes finger guns at Pierre, who is so not in the mood.

Dust and Ashes:

·       Transition to the big song. Okay, so I love this song so much. For one it’s a beautiful song full of emotion and some great lines (I love “bury me in burgundy”) but also because I have a lower voice (with terrible range I might add) so I can sorta sing along to this one without sounding horrible.

·       So, for a bit it’s just Pierre silently in his office area. Then he starts hesitantly playing the chords on the piano. And while I’d agree that Josh Groben’s voice is more pleasing to hear, Dave Malloy sings it with such emotion, and I’d agree his voice is suited to play Pierre’s character better. But both men are fantastic and I loved them both.

·       At one point he holds out a book and shakes it at the audience in desperation. It’s  so beautiful and during the climax, the entire company is both standing side by side in the mezzanine, and down the two aisles in the orchestra. They sing the “ahhhs” and it’s the most beautiful and haunting thing. Like, if I could just have a picture even of that moment, I’d die happy. You’re so focused on Pierre that you might miss this, but it’s the most beautiful thing ever.

·       The song ends with this blue light on Pierre (think back to the color blind thing and you’ll feel things).

Sunday Morning:

·       Sonya and Natasha enter. It’s the next morning just after the duel so everything that just happened from Private and Intimate… to now was in like a twenty-four hour period. Maybe even Moscow, but I’m choosing to believe there was some time before Natasha went to visit the Bolkonsky’s.

·       They do the candle in the mirror thing, and holy shit. So when Natasha is looking in the mirror, and she sees the man, Pierre returns to his office area, and crosses right behind Natasha so she can see him in the mirror and that is such a brilliant stage direction and I am so shook.

·       Her future is Pierre! It’s right there!

·       The scene changes so rapidly from Natasha’s distress at seeing someone lying down in the mirror to Marya’s “SUNDAY MORNING TIME FOR CHURCH” and thank you growl voice.

·       Then after the brief church bit, Marya goes off to scold Bolkonsky for his behavior and I wish I could have seen Marya tear him a new one because it’s so funny in the books. Grace exits the big doors with such a flourish. She just like turns sidways, holds out her skirts and like floats out the door.


·       So for this scene Natasha is mostly in her corset and underthings and Hélène just waltzes in. This song is so gay, and Dave Malloy has said it was meant to be, so fuck yeah gay.

·       Hélène has on her second dress. This one’s main color is green, with black underskirts. And the coat she has on is so extra. I want one.

·       Hélène is so sensual and flounces around, twirling her skirts during this entire song. Amber Gray fuck me up. Her voice is so jazzy, and she’s got the growl down too. Jesus Christ I’m so gay. She just takes over the whole theater, and there is no one else.

·       During this, Lulu and Shoba are maids in the household and have a beautiful dress for Natasha to try on. They hold it open and she just ducks into it. I need to be able to dress this easily.

·       So, a few things about my favorite parts. “Now a woman with a dress is a frightening and powerful thing” is probably one of my favorite lines. Like fuck yeah woman power. Also, the fact that she effortlessly pronounces “Alliez dans le monde. Plutôt que de dépérir d’ennui!” which according to my French education means something like go into the word rather than perish of boredom, but she completely botches the entire title of the song. Charmante is not pronounced Charmanté. Even if it does sound so much better.

·       So Natasha has on her dress, and Hélène just casually rips the necklace Andrey gave her off, and tosses it aside (Pierre catches it, symbolism anyone?) and replaces it with her own necklace. Then they go off to the ball together.

·       Also the coat is passed to Natasha at one point and she just loves that coat as much as I do.

The Ball:

·       Lemme tell you about the ball. This musical is so disregarding of gender norms like I love it. Like an ensemble member Katrina Yaukey has full armpit hair dyed hot pink it’s awesome. But, right ball. So everyone is in costume. The women all have different tops to their dresses, but the skirts are mostly the same. The inner skirt on most (dunno if its all) comes to mid thigh, and the outerskirts open up and are long and swishy. They’ve all got little lace coverings over their eyes, and mostly different headdresses. So, from what I saw there are a few cat ears, some antlers (Pearl Rhein has such cool antlers). A few are unique and I think the main characters have those. So Mary has this cute weird thing that I’m not sure what it is, but I like it. And Marya has this golden crownlike thing that also looks like it could be wings or something dunno. But it’s unique, and her dress is backless and wow. (Gay much?)

·       So, there are no gender norms here. Here there are men dancing with men (They’ve all got mostly the same outfit. A green fancy war uniformlike jacket and bear mask (I think but I’m not sure might have just been the lighting, that Andrey’s is silver while everyone else has gold.) and women dancing with women. And different gender couples too, but sometimes the women are leading, and it’s so fucking amazing and normalized. The first time I saw that I may have teared up just thinking about how casually it’s shown. And in a play about 19th century Russia no less.

·       Okay, so it has to be said, but Mary is wearing something so beautiful, and she looks like she’s having the time of her life dancing with Katrina. And I choose to believe it’s actually Mary (not some other role) who is finally getting the adoration and attention she deserves. Katrina spins her around, and dotes on her, and it’s just beautiful. Like she literally lifts her up at one point and spins her. During this scene, not all the women and men lift their partners but Katrina does, and Mary looks so damn happy.

·       And Marya is dancing with either a female ensemble member  who is Courtney Bassett I think. The veil hides her face, and they were farther away. But wow. Is Marya a good leader. She just sensually circles her partner, and like trails her lips over her shoulders and chest, and wow.

·       Also it is a costume tournament and Hélène’s got on these dark angel wings like someone put her in the victoria’s secret show right now.

·       But back to the actual plot. So, Natasha and Anatole are dancing and whatever. It’s all very sweet and whatnot, but back to the ensemble.

·       So at the climax of the song, the dance couples life each other’s veils and masks and all grab wine glasses with different water levels to change frequency. They dip their fingers in the water, and literally trace the rim of the glass to use them as instruments like what the fuck why did this not win best score and orchestra?!??!?!?! It’s the haunting and soothing sound (yeah I know I’ve used these adjectives a lot, but it’s true). This goes on, and they all stop at the same time except for Hélène who keeps going with a spotlight on her for a bit longer before cutting off with a flourish.

·       Oh and another thing, Sonya is not at the ball. Everyone else is in costume, but Sonya is still wearing her white dress, but she comes out to do the wine glass thing.

Natasha and Anatole pledge their love for each other, and scene. 6�1��

Aching Soul (Billy Hargrove x Reader)

Summary: Life after Hawkins leaves Billy Hargrove struggling to cope with the trauma of his past.

Warnings: Panic attack, Depression, Anxiety (I think that’s it)

A/N: I’m going through a bit of a hard time right now dealing with my anxiety, but I thought about how Billy would be affected by his trauma and wanted to explore the idea of him trying to understand his struggles during a time when it wasn’t heard of.

The morning light crept through the raggedy blinds of Billy’s window, casting strange shadows on his skin.

His chest rose and fell now and then as he took tired breaths, the weight of the world weighing down on his body.

As he licked his dry lips, Billy pondered the idea of calling in sick.

The feeling of soft lips being pressed to his shoulder brought a smile to his face.

“Morning” he murmured as his hand found yours, pulling it up to his own lips. “Did you sleep okay?”

“The best sleep of my life.” You smiled, pulling his shoulder back so he lay flat against the mattress. “How about you?”

The way he felt when he was with you was comparable to that of endless bliss. Your touch was like being bathed in the California sun; warm and comforting.

“Amazing.” He smiled down at you, your hand placed under your cheek as you laid on his chest.

For a moment, the soft sound of your breathing as you fell asleep had allowed Billy to slip back into his unconscious state.

It wasn’t until the loud spray of the shower head woke him again, no longer in his arms as you soaked in the hot water in the bathroom.

It was a horrible feeling, not being able to get out of bed for no reason other than the strange sadness that had clawed its way back into his mind.

His body ached, unsure if it was due to the hard labour he had put in at work or the pain that radiated from inside his soul.

“Is my shoe over there?” You asked, now flopping onto the bed as you tugged on your pantyhose “Billy?”  

“Hmm?” He hummed, your gaze falling onto the contours of his back as he sat hunched over, head in his hands as he fought off the drowsiness he felt.

“My shoe.” You giggled at how sleepy he was, it seemed as if he was still dreaming.

“Oh,” Billy shook his head attempting to wake up from his haze. “Yeah, it’s right here.”

His words strained as he bent over to grab your other heel, smiling at the scuff mark that branded the worn heel.

Labouring away under the autumn sun, Billy worked with the other men as they filled in the potholes that littered the road.

Something about smoothing the black tar over the craters was relaxing, maybe it was the idea that even the deepest holes could be filled again.

“Alright, go on your break” the supervisor called, waving off the workers for their lunch.

Billy walked along the sidewalk, the familiar grey cloud of smoke trailing along with him as he finished off a cigarette.

It wasn’t until a shrill gasp startled him from his daydreams that he paid attention to the world around him.

Hunched over, you had caught yourself from falling. In a rush not to be late for work you had stepped on a grate and managed to get your heel stuck.

“Need some help?” A deep voice asked, looking up with pleading eyes, you gave the kind stranger a nod.

“These shoes aren’t very practical, I’m not sure why they thought it would be a good idea to make us wear them.” You laughed lightly as you held onto his shoulder for balance, Billy’s hands wiggling the shoe free and allowing your foot to slide in. “Thank you so much, you’re a lifesaver.”

“No worries, glad I could help.” He said, taken aback, as he was only now getting a good look at your face. “Are you a dancer or something, for the theatre?”

It was fairly common for the performers to scurry down the sidewalk in their heels and sparkly costumes as they made their way to and from the theatre.

“Me? A dancer? Oh no, no.” You smiled shyly. “I’ve got two left feet. I work as a waitress and heels are unfortunately part of the deal”

He glanced at your outfit as you briefly opened your coat to show him the light blue uniform dress.

“Beats shovelling concrete all day with a bunch of smelly guys.” Billy joked, shifting his weight onto his other foot.

“I should get going but maybe you could stop by ‘Joan of Arcs’ sometime? Coffee’s on me.” You offered with a smile. “It’s on Farrow road.”

“Uh, yeah sure.” Billy nodded, watching as you walked backwards with hands stuffed into the pockets of your long coat before turning away.

“I look forward to seeing you again” You beamed, giving one final wave before hurrying off to work.

The small interaction with the mysterious waitress left him longing for more, there was something so refreshing about the light-hearted nature you radiated. 

The way you laughed off your misfortune rather than beat it into a wall with a closed fist.

It was something he envied.

“Are you feeling okay? You look absolutely exhausted.” You asked with concern, taking the shoe from him and sliding it onto your foot.

Sitting up, you pulled the bottom of your uniform down past your hips, clumsily standing up and flattening out the wrinkles.

“I’ll bring you home some soup.” He leaned into your touch as you kissed his forehead. “Love you.”

“I love you, too.” He croaked, offering a melancholy smile.

The nightlife buzzed in the streets below, clouds of grey smoke seeped from the third story window on the southside of Vaughn, as Billy took a drag from his cigarette.

In the dark of his bedroom, Billy laid on his side, watching the apartments across the way.

Each window was a look inside other worlds. There was the banker on the first floor who drank away his evenings. Then the married couple on the third floor stuck in a loveless marriage.

His chest tightened when he witnessed the father on the fourth-floor strike his son with a harsh blow to the cheek.

A wave of heat washed over Billy, vicious tremors erupting throughout his body.

The mirage of windows across the way had revealed themselves to be apparitions created from the depths of his mind, reawakening parts of him that he had tried so hard to suppress in the chasms of his memory.

“It’s not real,” Billy told himself through gritted teeth, gripping onto the pendant that hung from his neck until his knuckles turned white. “It’s not real.”

Joan of Arcs was bouncing with life as the Friday night rush filtered in, drunken laughter overpowered the music that blared from the restaurant speakers.

Forcing a cheesy smile, you took down another group of wasted office workers order of coke and rum, hold the coke.

Marissa, a mousy woman with a slender frame tapped on your shoulder. Your eyebrows furrowed together as it wasn’t common to interrupt when you were serving guests. 

“Whats up?” You asked after excusing yourself from the table, placing the notepad in your apron.

“You’ve got a phone call, it sounded important.” She explained. “It’s line 4.”

Your heart dropped as you took in what Marissa had said, unable to think of a single reason for Billy to call, it wasn’t like him to phone you while at work.

“Oh, okay…thanks.” You nodded with wide eyes, fumbling to untie your apron.

As you brushed past the busboys and the barflies, your mind raced with worry. Assuming that he had called to ask for some medicine from the pharmacy, you tried your best to calm your nerves.

“Hello?” You asked, voice filled with worry. “Is everything okay?”

The line was silent for a moment, his heavy breathing sent shivers down your spine.

“I think there’s something wrong with me,” Billy whispered, the cord of the phone wrapped tightly in his fist. “I think I’m sick…but it’s not the flu or something like that. It feels like it’s inside my head…always there.”

“I’m coming home right now, okay?” Your words catching in your throat. “Can you wait for me? Can you do that?”

“How long?” he breathed, tears welling in his eyes as his breaths became more and more rapid.

“Five minutes, I’m coming right now.” The walk was fifteen, but you could make it in five if you ran. “Hold tight, okay? I love you.”

Your hand’s shook as the line went dead. Never in the months you had been together had you heard or seen him in such a state of distress. Now and then he’d have night terrors but that was the extent of his troubles. Something about his voice frightened you, it was as if he were dying from the inside out.

Already walking toward the front doors, you kicked off your heels clutching them in your hand, preparing to sprint as fast as your stocking clad feet could carry you. 

“Billy,” you called out into the darkness as you struggled to catch your breath. Closing the door behind, you stumbled through the apartment as you made your way to the bedroom, nearly tripping over his work boots.

As you turned the corner you bounced off Billy’s chest, his arms catching you before you could fall.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he repeated into your hair, the sound of his heart pounding rattled in your ear. “I-I didn’t know what to do, I can’t breathe.”

“It’s okay, don’t apologize.” You cooed whilst rubbing circles on his back. “Let’s sit down, okay?”

He murmured something as you guided him toward the bed, unable to form words without choking up.

“I thought I saw him,” Billy whispered, fiddling with your fingers as he spoke. “I was just so sure. I don’t know what happened I just…I lost all control.”

“He can’t hurt you here, I promise.” You reassured softly, the dim street lights reflecting in his glossy eyes.  “I won’t let him. I promise, with every fibre of my being he will not hurt you, not here. It’s just you and I, and I will stay here until you feel safe.”

“Will you still love me after this?” He asked, finally meeting your gaze with damp eyelashes.

“Billy, I would love you if you were purple and had third eye in the middle of your forehead.” You giggled, feeling relief as the corners of his mouth raised with a weak smile.

“Will you love me no matter what?” he asked, needing to make sure, one last time.

He was ashamed of who he was in the past, feeling undeserving of someone so kind hearted such as yourself. He was fearful of who he would become in the future, terrified of turning out like his father.

But as he looked at you and saw the tattered stocking that ran up your legs from your feet, he decided as long as he had someone as precious as you, it would be impossible to be corrupted.

“Of course.” You said before pressing a tender kiss to his lips.

After stripping out of your work clothes and undressing Billy from his, you laid quietly in the night on the thin mattress, too exhausted to care about the springs that poked into your back.

Your feet hung outside of the covers, still tingling from the antiseptic that Billy had so lovingly applied while you soaked in the tub. Wiggling your toes as he wrapped the bandages around your torn soles.

“Billy?” You whispered into the night, his soft snores that breathed down your neck answered your question whether he was asleep or not. Now content with the fact he had managed to slip into a deep slumber, you allowed yourself to join him.

That night you made a promise to yourself, no matter how tired you were, you would stay awake until Billy’s eyes shut. You intended to make sure he knew he was safe, and you would run barefoot down a million sidewalks if it meant allowing him peace of mind.

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