“So the rules thus far are ‘don’t be late’ and ‘don’t be absent from class,’ unless you are absent because of circumstances outside your control. In that case, notify me before class. If I walk in here and you are not in your seat, and I don’t already know why that is the case… I will assume that you are dead. We will hold a brief service in your memory and then continue on, as we know you would want.”
“Yeah I mean if you don’t know the answer that’s fine, but I’m gonna make you pick the next person I call on. It’s a social experiment I run. I like to see if people pick their friends or their enemies. Wildly amusing. Anyway, be prepared for that.”
“So as the plaintiff’s counsel, you review all the possible venues and pick the one that’s the fairest to everyone….. haaaaahahaha I’m just kidding. You rig the court in your favor as much as you possibly can.”
“You’re supposed to go to a basement during a tornado. Why don’t y'all have basements?” “Can’t watch from a basement” “You’re going to die”
“My own law professor once described admiralty jurisdiction as ‘shit that happens on boats’ so [writes ‘boat shit’ on the board]”
“So then Congress gave itself a raise and America shouted, ‘Give it back you evil bastards!!!’ so loudly that they did.”
“I will provide you with pizza. For beverages, you’re on your own, but please abide by university policy. Which is that we can’t have FUN.”
“And WHAT do we find outside the cities????? C O W S”
“All the desks on the third floor are reserved for 3Ls in practice court. Since you’re dying like, 100% of the time, they kindly give you a place to die. Sometimes you can see the lost souls wandering past the balconies….”
[makes a list of twenty-four things that could go wrong] [writes TRUMP in all caps as number twenty-five]
Aries: Broken hearts and bloodstained fingers, your voice reminds me of a lively melody. A warriors heart with a delicate soul, an unlikely combination you put together so well. You have it hard, don’t you? Yet you get up with only the skin at your knees scraped and dripping red.
Taurus: The reminiscence of a rose - the single flower that’s so impossible to hate, delicate and pretty, even when it stops blooming. Your voice could calm even the most chaotic oceans, always soothing with soft notes of comfort. Even your eyes could mesmerise the most soulless creature; your sweet face leaves me dreaming in heartache.
Gemini: Your eyes twinkle with mischief, what are you thinking about? That’s what I always wonder, the curve of your mouth always makes me suspect. I love your mind, I think that’s my favourite thing of yours, you tell me so much I cannot help but wonder the things you leave unsaid.
Cancer: Lovely eyes filled with unspilled tears, how can you be so wonderful? I’ve always said that, people who can feel so much have the capacity to be the kindest. How have you not broken yet? I think I can admire that. Sensitive, emotional, I dream of you. Your heart reminds me of an endless sea, so much you leave undiscovered.
Leo: It’s enamouring, how full of life you are - your soul could rival the sun, it’s as if you shimmer with the promise of eternal bliss. Perhaps that’s why you so easily win the hearts of all; so golden and glamorous. I’ve always said your gaze held the most wonderful of stars, even now I can still count them; youthful and shining. I think it might be impossible to ever fully hate you, your warmth is far too compelling.
Virgo: I find it odd that you can’t see your beauty, it’s always been so obvious to me. Why must you be so harsh to yourself? Especially when you’re so obviously perfect. I think it’s your innocence that draws me in most, always so pure and lovely; like the sweetest rose. I wish I could win your heart, but I know I’m undeserving. Yet there’s a gentleness in you I can’t help but have.
Libra: Ah, Aphrodite’s purest creation - how could you not adore such a thing? There’s a sweet nostalgia of love about you that makes my heart ache; as if I miss a love I never had. I think your nativity is what makes you so pure amongst the rest of us. There’s an underlying softness to everything you do.
Scorpio: I don’t think there are enough words to describe you, your depths are unfathomable. I think here lies the true meaning of profound. There’s a frustrating beauty in you I can’t seem to point out, perhaps it’s because it’s so buried. You are kind, so very kind, I don’t understand where people see your darkness. Or perhaps I do. I think it’s in your eyes, how dark they seem even when you smile. They’re the eyes of someone who has seen tragedies, yet you arose from them with a certain light and grace that can’t help but seem lovely.
Sagittarius: An adventurer, a wandering soul always searching for its next quest - you’ve danced with the sun and conversed with the stars. The universe knows you better than you know yourself. You are wild and brimming with the promises of life, so much too see, so much to learn! There is truly nothing more lovely than the life of one who experiences, I see the whole world when I’m with you.
Capricorn: Cold eyes and shy smiles, I know you’re gentler than you believe. Your stars are least private in December, perhaps that’s why it’s my favourite month. I admire your patience the most, it brings peace to my fiery spirit. It’s funny, how unemotional you portray yourself - your soul warming smile contradicts that in every way, it’s unexpected yet not at all surprising.
Aquarius: The ruler of rebellion, invention and revolution - it’s as if you shake the world awake. Your mind is the strangest place I love to be in, show me all your thoughts; especially the ones you’d never think of sharing. A lover and a loner, detached yet still connected, you always leave me wondering.
Pisces: The moon tells me tales of your heart every month when she’s full and shining, I wonder how it hasn’t burst yet. She tells me there’s a beautiful idealism to you, I don’t think there’s a single dream you haven’t dreamt. I think it’s beautiful, how such a pure soul can exist. My heart aches when I hear the stars whisper soft words of comfort you every night you disappear into yourself; licking wounds and drowning in sorrows - your sensitivity is what’s most raw. I hope one day you can find your heart.
I see myself forever and ever as the ridiculous person, the lonely soul, the wanderer, the restless frustrated artist, the person in love with love, always in search of the absolute, always seeking the unattainable.
Come wayward souls, who wander through the darkness. There is a light for the lost and the meek. Sorrow and fear are easily forgotten, when you submit to the soil of the earth. Grow, tiny seed, you are gone to the tree. Rise, till your leaves fill the sky, until your sighs fill the air in the night. Lift your mighty limbs, and give praise to the fire.
I imagine before he got to know them, Kravitz absolutely HATED the IPRE crew. Like, the dude is competent, but the guys have a habit of completely humiliating anybody they end up fighting.
Let’s rewind a few years. Kravitz is doing his thing. Kicking ass, reaping souls and killing liches. Heads back to his office in the Astral Plane (because i refuse to believe that the afterlife is anything but a stupidly complicated bureaucracy) and checks in on his current list of bounties.
There’s the usual list of necromancers, immortals, escapees from the stockade and users of profane rituals, you know the types, the guys who have the twelve syllable names and such. But there are seven new people he needs to hunt down. And all of them have died at least eight times. You hear that? It’s the sound of Kravitz getting paid.
So who does he go after first?
Merle Highchurch, fifty-seven deaths. God. So much reward. Kravitz hunts anybody by the name of Highchurch down, but nobody has any clues as to where the guy is. Kravitz heads back to the office and checks out all the information he has on the guy. And surprise surprise, he’s a follower of the god of bloody travelers. Krav could hunt down this guy for the better part of a decade, and he’d only find the guy by luck. Great. Wonderful. Fine. He has six other bounties to check out.
Magnus Burnsides, nineteen deaths. Okay, so Magnus is MUCH easier to find than Merle, if only because Magnus announces his name to anybody who asks. Lives in somewhere called Raven’s Roost. He’d been there a few times, not a bad place. So Kravitz heads over there. And great, the entire bloody town is on FIRE and the populace is DEAD. As a reaper, he’s legally required to take care of wandering souls he finds wandering around. So he has to take a good month or so wrangling a good 600 people into the afterlife. Much to his surprise, Magnus has a wife who recently died. The woman stares at him for a moment before laughing, because apparently Magnus can get lost in a goddamn hallway and it would take a goddamn miracle for Kravitz to track him down. Goddamn it.
Taako Taaco, eight deaths. Taako is, unlike the others, a complete goddamn ghost. The most he can gather is that the guy is a wizard and an elf and that is generally it. It is by pure luck he’s assigned to the Glamour Springs case, and hears about Taako Sizzles It Up. Okay, THAT is easier to track he thinks. Except Taako apparently did a show in literally EVERY TOWN in the world at some point and is charismatic enough that nobody is willing to tell him much of anything. And then, like both Magnus and Merle, he has apparently vanished into the mist and NOBODY KNOWS WHERE HE IS GODDAMN IT.
Lup Taaco, twelve deaths. Kravitz is not surprised that Lup is related to Taako because she is even harder to find than Taako. There is literally nothing except the fact that she died in some cave near Neverwinter. There are literally no souls in that cave, and he checked. Twice. So where the hell is she? Who the hell knows. Who even cares.
Davenport, nine deaths. Is somehow just as elusive as anyone else. Because these people hate Kravitz. Kravitz checks everywhere. A few merchants in Neverwinter remember having met a guy named Davenport a few years back, and he seemed pretty cool, and he bought a can of soup once. Great. THANK YOU MERCHANT MAN. SO VERY HELPFUL.
Barry J Bluejeans, twelve deaths. Barry fucking Bluejeans. BARRY GODDAMN JAY GODDAMN BLUEJEANS. Kravitz has no end of words for this asshole. Unlike the others, Kravitz has met this guy. He has no idea what goddamn class Barry is other than a magic-user because WHAT SPELLS DOESN’T THIS GUY KNOW GODDAMN IT. Oh oh oh and get this, he’s fueled by the power of love. Love. As if a normal lich isn’t annoying enough to deal with, but this guy apparently refuses to leave without his wife. A wife who, COINCIDENTALLY, has the name of LUP. And Kravitz knows. He goddamn knows, in the depths of his heart, that this Lup is the exact same one as Lup Taaco. BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE HATES HIM.
Lucretia, ten deaths. Somehow even worse than Taako, Davenport and Lup combined. Because he has nothing on her. At all. No class, no god, no spell-list, no ANYTHING. Alright. Fine. Detective Kravitz time. Her name is spoken very very rarely, and she is apparently the leader of some mysterious organization called a Bureau? Fine. Where is this Bureau. What’s that? It’s hidden? You can only summon a way there if you’re a member? Of course. Obviously. Wonderful. Why not. Cool. Great.
So now. Let’s advance to the start of the story. Kravitz is called out to investigate Phandalin. He arrives, and is immediately hit by a wave of pure fire. When he wakes up? He sees four figures in the distance. And three of them are Magnus. And Merle. And Taako. And Kravitz is about to fight them, when a goddamn orb appears from the sky and carries them to a goDDAMN SKY BASE WHAT THE HELL I HATE THESE PEOPLE
And then he finally meets these people by complete chance in the lab of Lucas Miller. And he is so happy. Because for the first time in six years, he has THREE OF THESE JACKASSES in front of him. There is no possible way they can escape this.
Guess what happens next.
So now, finally, let’s advance to post-Story & Song. And he has all seven of these assholes in front of him. Defenseless. He could reap their asses right now. But he can’t. Because the Raven Queen has declared they’ve earned a pardon.
A few hours after the celebration party, Kravitz warps back to his office and screams for a solid hour.
EDIT: Somebody mentioned the whole Barry dies like twenty times over the course of a decade so now I have to establish that at least five of those were Barry staring Kravitz dead in the face, killing himself instantly and rising out of his body as a lich. Just so that Kravitz can know EXACTLY how petty Barry Bluejeans will be.
She’s not one to stay
In one place for very long,
Her soul longs for the forests
And her heart belongs to the sea,
She’s this wild and untamed spirit,
One that’s never lost
And never meant to be found.