The Joker blinks slowly, trying to
wake up. He feels completely numb but he makes an effort to turn on his side,
trying to see if you are around. He
notices your shape about 6 feet away from him, eyes closed, your hands
resting on your tummy. You look asleep.
“Hey, doll, wake up!” he grumbles,
pushing himself to get on his knees. The taste of ashes, metal and blood in his
mouth suddenly makes him gag. He spits out black saliva over and over again,
coughing, attempting to clear his throat.
“Jeez, what the hell is this?” he
grunts, disgusted, wiping his mouth. His eyes turn towards you again.
“Doll, are you OK?… Hey, hey!”
Absolutely no reaction.
He crawls on his four to get closer
and stops right next to you. The grass around is burned and you still emanate
some heat. He sees your eyes uncontrollably moving under your closed eyelids,
your lips muttering words he can’t understand. You frown; afterwards a small
smile appears on your lips, then nothing. You are such an interesting creature.
Nothing exciting happened to him while captive, and he sure loves excitement.
He studies you, intrigued, and with a groan he brings his knees to his face,
resting his cheeks on them. J’s blue gaze goes up and down your body and something
gets his attention: a thin gold band on your ring finger.
Do you belong to somebody? he wonders, wishing he knew the answer for
his personal knowledge.
You are so quiet, completely still
now and he realizes it doesn’t look like you’re breathing anymore. Mister J leans
over and places his head on your chest, trying to hear if there’s any heartbeat.
He deeply inhales your scent, pressing himself even harder against you. God, he
didn’t touch a woman in months.
*First he was at Arkham prison for a
couple of weeks, waiting for Frost and his men to come bust him out. Before it
happened, he was moved. They came one night, cornered him in his cell and poked
him with syringes. The Joker tried to fight them but the drug made him weak and
he felt asleep. When he gained consciousness, he was in the glass prison. He
lost track of time in there. Nobody was really talking to him, there was no
notion of night or day; all they did was keeping him there with no explanation.*
J starts purring, glad he can finally
sense your heartbeat. His left hand caresses your shoulder, his chin resting on
your chest for a few brief seconds. His eyes carefully scout your face for any
trace of movement. He buries his face in your neck, smelling you again.
“Don’t do that,” you suddenly
whisper, while cautiously pushing him away. “SHE gets jealous.” The only answer is a low growl.
Mister J gets up, struggling to stay on his feet. He grabs your hand, helping you up too.
“Say, kitten, where the hell are we?”
he scoffs, looking around, totally disoriented.
“Close to Gotham, maybe 3 hours away.
I know this area is secure, don’t worry. Nobody comes to these woods anymore,”
you sigh, stretching, starting to walk down a small path in between the trees.
“Do you know where we were before?”
“SHE told me it was deep under
Pacific Ocean. Top secret place, reserved for the…worst of the worst as they
like to think. It’s gone now, but I am sure they have another nameless abyss
somewhere else. All the prisoners died, except us. And they call us the bad
guys…I’m just sorry SHE didn’t have more fun before it all went down,” you
smile, turning your head so he can see you. J is falling behind.
“Come on, Damian, move it faster!”
you shout, lifting your hands in the air, a bit annoyed.
The Joker feels like the lightning
struck him. He stops in his tracks, his non-existent eyebrows furrowed, instantly
alert and defensive.
“What did you just call me?”
“Damian. Isn’t that your name?!” you
ask, confused at why he’s suddenly hard of hearing.
“How…How (he exhales loudly) in the
world you know that?”
“I can see it above your head,” you calmly
reply, pointing your finger in thin air. The Joker looks up
and of course he can’t see anything.
“You’re messing with me, right?”
You shrug your head in denial and
keep talking. “I can see how old you are…the accident, the fire…oh…”
you gulp before you continue: ”…all the bad things that happened to you…Is that the reason why you’re like that?”
His eyes are widened; you can see he
is panting, clenching his fists, holding back his anger. You roll your eyes,
“Do you want me to tell you when you’ll
die?” you smirk at him, slightly entertained by the situation.
He scrunches up his face in a grimace,
not really knowing what to say or do at this point. He doesn’t like not having the upper hand; not being able to control the situation drives him crazy.
“Well, do I wanna know???”
There is so much exasperation in his voice.
“Jesus, relaaax, you
can change that. Besides, I’m not going to tell anybody what I know. I don’t
really care. Your business is your own. I mean it.”
“If you ever repeat what you just
told me to another soul, I swear I’ll kill you doll!!!!” the Joker threatens grinding his silver grill, while his temper gets the best out of him.
“Hahahaha, that’s a good one. I would
LOVE to see you try,” you snicker, walking backwards, your eyes turning white
again because SHE is getting protective. A few branches snap and J feels a menacing
presence all around him.
“Stop, stop, he doesn’t mean it, don’t hurt him.
I told you he’s off limits, OK?” The entity is not happy it can’t tear the
Joker to pieces.
“Who are you talking to, is it that…thing?”
you can sense him right behind you now. He finally caught up with you.
“ SHE’s not a…thing. SHE’s me and I
am HER. We’re one.“ You part
your red hair to the side, listening to the voice. SHE tells you SHE found HIM.
“Were you born like this?”
You barely hear J, you’re paying
attention to the deafening whispers only you can discern.
You cover your ears and you stop. J
bumps into you.
“Why are you stopping?” he complains, over exaggerating.
“I need to go; I’ll be back for you.
Wait here!” you shriek, interrupting his train of thought.
“Hey, where are you…(your body vanishes,
leaving a trace of dark mist and ashes behind) going?…”
Flag is in his bunker, looking through
files, trying to come up with his next move. The Department of Homeland
Security is not very happy with him right now. He doesn’t like not feeling
productive and not being praised for his good work. He messed up and he knows
it. You got away…again.
His desk starts rattling; a few small
objects roll and fall on the floor. The colonel smells something burning and he
knows what it is before his eyes find you in the corner of the room.
“Hiiiii, honey,” you grin, emphasizing
the last word.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
He moves his chair away from his desk, startled, biting his lip. He always does
that when he’s nervous.
“Don’t try to call anyone or you’ll
be sorry,” you threaten him and he knows you mean it.
The room is getting hotter.
“Are you here to kill me?” Flag lifts
his chin up, looking you in the eyes.
“Oh, the brave soldier you are, honey…
I am not here to kill you, don’t worry. I haven’t sunk as low as you. “
He swallows the lump in his throat.
You go and sit on the desk and he
just stares at your blood stained t-shirt.
“Rick, why did you try to kill me…again?”
you ask in soft voice, changing your tone, trying to hold back the tears you feel could run down
your cheeks anytime now.
“You are not my wife and I will hunt
you and try to kill you until…”
“I AM YOUR WIFE, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!”
your voice echoes around the office, SHE is getting alarmed by your sorrow. The
floor starts shaking and finally black tears stream down your face.
“It was always me, even after I
turned. ME, do you hear me? I’m still here and you are too weak and blinded by
ambition and what your superiors tell you to see the truth. They are using you.
I thought you would (you touch your heart with your hand) FEEL it’s still me in
You wipe your nose, sniffling.
Flag’s eyes get watery.
After a few moments he gets up so fast he knocks his
“Shut up, demon, you took my wife and
you are trying to deceive me! Why are you doing this ?!… GIVE ME BACK MY
WIFE!!!GIVE HER BACK!!!!!”
His face is as red as your hair, he
screams so loud he runs out of breath.
Your heart sinks to the bottom of
The paintings on the walls are
starting to melt. SHE is not happy to see you so upset. Too bad you won’t allow
HER to avenge you. SHE just waits for a sign in the darkness, that’s all it
would be needed.
“Honey, you will never see beyond the
veil clouding your eyes,” you whimper, slowly taking your wedding ring off. “I’ve
came to give this back to you.”
You come in front of him and take his
hand. He winches when he feels the heat irradiating from your being on his
skin. You open the palm of his hand and place the ring inside, then close it. He
“Hear me out, Rick: don’t try to find or
catch me EVER again. Do not try to hurt someone under
my protection. I never fought you before because it’s YOU and I couldn’t bring myself
to cause you any harm. Next time we see each other, I will let HER kill you,
have no doubts about it…” You sniffle again, taking a
few steps back.
“Remember, it was always ME, you
should have loved me and protected me regardless. It wasn’t my fault SHE came
to me, was it?”
You look so broken, so…human, almost
Your body starts to disappear.
The colonel is trembling, not being
able to control his sobbing, tightening his grip on your wedding ring even
“No, it wasn’t your fault…Y/N…Y/N? Y/N?…
WAIT!!!!” He’s trying to touch you but it’s too late, you are gone. He covers
his mouth, trying to calm down.
The room got quiet, nothing moves
anymore, the only proof of you being there is the melted glass on the
paintings and the wedding band he’s so desperately holding close to his heart.
1. Look to the north. Keep looking. There’s nothing coming from the south.
2. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, Earth is a hallucination, podcasts are dreams.
3. There’s a special place in Hell. It’s really hip. Very exclusive.
4. What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.
5. A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A basilisk.
6. Lost? Confused? Lacking direction? Need to find a purpose in your life?
7. It must be 3.23pm somewhere. Maybe space?
8. We are living in an immaterial world (a ghost world) and I am an immaterial girl (a ghost).
9. “Nice bolo tie!” is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.
10. Eating meat is a difficult moral decision. Because it’s stolen, that meat. You should apologize.
11. Today is the last day of your life, up to this point.
12. Does the carpet match the drapes? No, it doesn’t. You’re the worst interior decorator. Please leave my home.
13. I’d never join a pen15 club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
14. Biologically speaking, we are all people made up of smaller people.
15. One incorporeal body said to the other, “I’m not here too. Make friends?”
16. If I said you had a beautiful body, would it even matter because we are so insignificant in this vast, incomprehensible universe?
17. Werner Herzog is the most interesting person.
18. Find more ways to work “plinth” into daily conversation.
19a. Step one: write down the names of everyone you know. Step two: rearrange the letters. Step three: this will reveal a great secret of time.
19b. Step one: separate your lips. Step two: use facial muscles to pull back corners of mouth. Step three: widen your eyes. This is how to be happy.
20. Pain is just weakness leaving the body, and then being replaced by pain. Lots of pain.
21. Ask your doctor if right is left for you.
22. If you love someone, set them free. Set them free now. This is the police, and we have you surrounded.
23. Mommas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys. Show them pictures of cows when they’re young, and administer brief electrical shocks.
24. The most dangerous game is man. The most entertaining game is broadway puppyball. The most weird game is esoteric bear.
25. Fun game: say “toy boat” over and over. Do it for the rest of your life. Retreat from society, and live on alms. Whisper “toy boat” as you die.
26. The human soul weighs 21 grams, smells like grilled vegetables, looks like a wrinkled tartan quilt, and sounds like bridge traffic.
27. Production oversight by Torey Malatia, who is holding a small locket. He’s not speaking, he’d just like for you to touch the locket. His hand is twisted. His skin is forming into scales. Just touch it once. Just once, okay?
28. A bar walks into a bar. The bartender is a snake eating its own tail. The windows look out only onto the face of the one who looks.
29. Your body is a temple. A temple with blood rituals and pagan tributes. A lost temple. A temple that needs more calcium. You should maybe try vitamin supplements.
30. Look to the sky. You will not find answers there, but you will certainly see what everyone is screaming about.
31. Throw your hands in the air. Now your arms. Keep detaching limbs and throwing them in the air. Hopefully the birds will be satiated and leave.
32. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never quite describe the pain.
33. You can lead a horse to water. And you can lead a horse into water. And you can swim around with the horse, and have fun.
34. Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We are not accepting applications at this time. Please try again.. and again.. and again.. and again.. and again.. and again.. and again.. and again…
35. On this day in history, mundanity, and terror, and food, and love, and trees..
36. Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s just the Void. Infinite and indifferent. We are so small. So very, very small.
37. Listen, I’m not a hero. The real heroes are the people that point out to us when protesters have smart phones, thus invalidating all concerns.
38. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single command from a satellite-activated mind control chip.
39. Your Bitcoin address is your middle name, followed by the name of your first pet, and the first street you lived on.
40. The riddle says, “He walks on four legs in the morning. He walks on two legs at midday. And at night, he slithers from dream to dream effortlessly, like the air we breathe. And we love him.
41. Please move your brain so we can get to the drugs. And stop leaving it there. We’ve talked about this.
42. Ignore all the haters telling you everything isn’t a sandwich. Everything is a sandwich.
43. You won’t sleep when you’re dead, either.
44. At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire.
45. Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say your mother is in the hospital? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Listen, I’ll drive you over there. We’ll leave right now. Grab a coat. It’s a little cold out. I’m so sorry.
46. If you love something, set it free. If it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird.
47. There is a difference between your, you’re, and yarn. Yarn isn’t even pronounced the same way. It is a completely different word.
48. Feeling lost? Like you have no goal in life? Like you’re covered in dirt and wet leaves? Like you’re an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? It kinda sounds like you’re an earthworm, actually.
49. Wonderwall is the only 90s song that can be seen from space.
50. Soccer is also commonly known as futbol, Canadian baseball, American football, violent jogging, and World War II.
51. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Except ostriches. What the hell man?
52. Most people think pit-bulls are dangerous dogs, but, biologically speaking, most pit-bulls are just three shitzus wearing a trench coat.
53. [white noise in a crescendo]
54. Say what you will about dance, but language is a limited form of expression.
55. Language will evolve, irregardless of your attempt to literally lock it away in a secluded tower. Obvs.
56. I got more rhymes than the Bible’s got psalms. 151. I’ve got 151 rhymes.
Bonus episode 1. If you’re worried your writing isn’t good, just remember that the earth is warming, and soon good and bad writing alike will all be under water.
Bonus episode 2. Remember that all sentences must have a noun, a verb, and the phrase “foolish mortals.”
57. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Also beware of gifts of Greek bears. Gifted and bear Greeks are totally okay.
58. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight. It’s the size of the other dog in the fight.
59. If you want a picture of the future, imagine a person writing headlines about millennials forever.
60. The reason we say, “Bless you” after someone sneezes is because we know they will die some day.
The Librarian (Live show): As the great [Sherman H—–?] once said, “Call me.”
61. I let my haters be my motivators. Mostly they tell me I suck. Then I get sad. This was a terrible idea.