sort of in preparation for friday

to me the thing is that we’d predicted this sort of outcome for most of the season, yet it was still probably the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

like even from the first scene with the paper towels people have been like “even has some form of mental illness” and we were all like yeah, sure, maybe he does.

then we started believing it, and for a very long time i think we all knew that at some point it would become an “issue”, and I thought we were prepared for it.

I made a prediction about the friday clip, I thought yes, there would be drama and some form of problem (because the week had been too good), and I thought we might get answers/ even telling isak about having a mental illness.

then I saw it was 15 minutes, and whilst I was incredibly excited, my first thought was “no this can’t be good”. and I was right (in terms of emotion, in terms of a story it’s amazing).

at first, I was so incredibly proud of isak messaging his mum (still am) especially signing off with “hugs, isak” because that showed a level of love even though they aren’t close, and it showed he was willing to put aside the issues with them, if she did.

then even is the biggest freaking dork and draws a heart on the window and my heart explodes. (also pointing out how isak still didn’t want to kiss even in public, which I feel was a really good show of him not just miraculously being completely comfortable after just coming out to his family & friends)

then even is just so proud to be able to say isak is his boyfriend and he’s beautiful and he’s his and I actually died. but then we get into the room and first it’s amazing but then even starts just rambling on and you can actually see the look of realisation on isaks face (shout out to tarjei and his amazing acting) when he first starts to get a hint that something isn’t right.

but then I think he chooses to ignore it, and why wouldn’t he? he’s never seen even in this context, and doesn’t know any better, plus they’re having a lovely night and he’s finally with the boy he loves, so he just puts it down to “he’s just having a great time”.

then the “the only way to have something infinitely is to lose it” comment, this is where I was like “no no no I don’t like this, this isn’t good”. I literally had to pause the video and make sure I was okay to continue because I really didn’t like where it was going, I was actually a mess.

once again, even not sleeping yet having so much energy, then we get to the part that started to kill me.

as soon as even walks out that door, isak realises fully what’s going on, and is instantly extremely worried. the moment even isn’t in the corridor I think isak connects the dots completely and is simply terrified.

wandering around the city and even calling sonja he looked so lost, and desperate and worried (again tarjei holy shit). then sonja turns up.

now, up until today, I was holding out hope that sonja was actually a good person, and don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying she’s evil or vindictive, but I don’t think she’s a good person for or with even. I think her “care” has turned into “control”, whether she fully realises it or not, I don’t think it’s healthy for even.

you can see that when isak asks what just happened and sonja answers, he already knows, he just needs it confirmed, and once it’s said out loud it’s real. sonja says stuff that I don’t believe is true (“it’s just some sick idea he has right now”) and some stuff she has no right to say.

I believe sonja got so comfortable in being the one who makes decisions for even and controlling him, that she can’t let it go, to her, this is essential. I don’t think she realises anymore that even is valid, and has his own thoughts and feelings that might not align with hers, and that isak was the one that this came to a head with. even saying “I can feel is growing apart ”(I can’t remember the exact line cause it was like episode 3 but it was along those lines) and “stop monitoring me”, makes me feel that sonja simply forgot how to be caring, and only knows how to control, because to her, that’s how it works.

and I do think even is in love with isak, completely in love with him, and I think isak 100% loves him back. but right now, due to isaks history with people with mental illnesses, i think isak feels broken and lied to, and I think he feels like he only loves this even, and doesn’t know the even with a mental illness, which I suppose is sort of true.

however I believe isak reaching out to his mum today was a sign of him growing (this show never does anything without reason) and also the line of noora “no one sacrifices anything for love in 2016” mean something.

I’d like to believe that he talks to eskild (giving eskild info this time) and possibly jonas, and sees a new side to this.

I’d like him to remember “and I’ll save you right back” because I’m going to just say it, i think even saved him, possibly from himself, or maybe just living his life as someone he’s not, and being miserable. even brought out the best in him, and made him so incredibly and indescribably happy and loved, and I’d like to believe he will save even just the same.

I want him to see that he still loves this even, he just now loves an even without a secret, an even he can care about & for the best way possible, and an even who has completely changed his life.

Kaleidoscope

Gosh this got away from me! I hope you enjoy it! I know nothing about cooking Japanese food so you’ll have to forgive me. This is slightly Kacchako. I was struck with inspiration from one of @saisai-chan’s posts and so Kaleidoscope was born. Not entirely sure why I called it that. I just like the word. Anyway I’m rambling! Here’s part one (?) of Kaleidoscope!

Dinner time became a routine of sorts while staying at the dorms. The dinners were prepared by a different floor each night. Mondays the second floor students made the food while the fifth floor students set the table and cleaned up afterwards. This continued as a rotation throughout the week save for Fridays. Those nights were reserved for dinner with the faculty. It was Wednesday which meant it was the third floor’s turn to make dinner. The kitchen was in a frenzy.

“Ugh whose idea was it to start doing this?” Jirou asked as she swatted at the smoke coming from Kaminari’s pan.

“I think it was the teachers idea?” replied Kaminari. He turned behind him to look at Iida. “Isn’t that right, Mr. President?”

Iida, who was chopping up vegetables, nodded. “Yes, if I recall correctly they said that it would be a great team building experience.” He turned, wiping his hands on a towel. “Will you watch what you’re doing?!”

“Ahh crap!” Kaminari gasped as a flame shot up.

“If anything this has become a competition to see which group of us doesn’t burn the food for once.” Jirou laughed. “Wouldn’t you say so guys?”

Ojiro was preparing the drinks with Hagakure. They both hummed in unison. “I didn’t think it was possible to burn ramen noodles, but somehow they managed it.” Ojiro snickered. Kouda nodded. He had his pet bunny with him. The group had named him as their mascot and even gave him a tiny chef hat. Kouda had to keep him from stealing carrots though.

“Hey, it wasn’t that bad!” Mineta said entering the kitchen.

“It was pretty bad.” Tokoyami agreed, crossing his arms.

“I knew I should’ve cooked the noodles.” Izuku sighed.

“Whose side are you on?” asked Mineta.

“My stomach’s.” Tokoyami replied earning a laugh out of everyone.

“If anything it isn’t fair. Everyone else has more people than we do and they have the girls!” Mineta groaned.

“What does having us have anything to do with it?!” Jirou and Hagakure shot him death glares.

“Well you’re good at cooking aren’t you?” Mineta tilted a brow.

“Pshh why do you think Kaminari’s cooking? I’m just supervising.” Jirou laughed.

“What are you four doing just standing around? You’re supposed to be setting the table.” Iida wrapped his knuckles on the counter. An ominous aura was coming from him.

Izuku hurried and grabbed some bowls. The others followed suit and fled to the dinning room. “I got distracted. I think the smell was getting to me.”

“It did smell quite tasty.” Aoyama nodded, placing a bowl neatly on the table.

“If someone doesn’t keep his mouth shut. He’s going to get in a lot of trouble.” Tokoyami glared at the purple hair sticking up from across the table.

“I wonder who that could be.” Mineta rolled his eyes.

“What happened this time?” Kirishima asked from the lounge. Sero and Mina were sitting beside him playing a video game.

“Typical Mineta if I had to guess.” Momo sat up.

Izuku hummed in reply. He was building a tower out of the extra chopsticks.

“It’s ready everyone!” Iida announced. Izuku’s chopstick tower collapsed. “Izuku could you group round everyone up?”

“Umm,” he glanced over to Mineta who was currently being attacked by Mina, Momo, and Tokoyami. “sure. C'mon Aoyama?”

Aoyama was cheering loudly, watching Sero and Kirishima. “Alright then.” Izuku laughed, making his way to the elevator. He tapped his foot along to the song playing. Finally it dinged. Izuku almost walked into Uraraka when he exited.

“Oh Deku, sorry!” She said startled.

“It’s alright!” Izuku smiled. “I just came to tell everyone it’s time for dinner. Could you let Kacchan and Shouji know for me? I still need to tell the guys on the floor above.”

“Sure! No problem!” Uraraka waved as Izuku entered the elevator again.

“Thanks Uraraka!”

Uraraka walked down the corridor and stopped at the first door. It sounded like Shouji was rearranging furniture or something. She raised her fist and knocked twice. Movement in the room stopped and the door swept open revealing a sweaty Shouji. “Oh Uraraka, what’s up?”

Uraraka smiled. “I came to tell you it’s time for dinner.”

“Oh thank goodness, I’m starving. Exercising sure can work up an appetite. Hopefully it’ll be better than last night’s.” Shouji exited, closing the door behind him. “Thanks for telling me.” He started toward the elevator. “You coming?”

“Ah not yet!” Uraraka answered. “I still need to tell Bakugou.”

“Alright then! See ya at dinner.” Shouji called.

Kirishima had left his door open and Uraraka was conflicted if she should close it or not as she passed. She stopped in front of the fourth door. It was closed, but she could hear shuffling and music playing from the other side. She took a breath and knocked on the door. There was a string of curses followed by a loud bang. It sounded like Bakugou had just stubbed his toe.

“FUCK!” The door flung open. Bakugou was dishelved and pinned her with an angry look. He nudged his toe on the floor. “What is it?” Something else was different. But she couldn’t figure out what. “Well?” Bakugou spat. “If this is about another damn bug in your room or something-”

“No! I just..” She trailed off, squinting her eyes. What was it? She gasped, covering her mouth.

“What?!” Bakugou fumed. “What is it?!” That’s when his askew frames fell to the floor. Everything seemed still and silent as they both stared at the glasses. Uraraka made to pick them up, but Bakugou snatched them away before she could. He quickly tossed them in his room and closed the door. “Not a word.” Was all he said. Uraraka nodded. “I - uh came to tell you it’s time for dinner.”

Bakugou huffed as they passed Kirishima’s door. He slammed it shut. Uraraka was sure she heard something fall. “Dumbass.” Bakugou muttered under his breath.

The elevator ride down was awkward. Bakugou was complaining about shitty music and Uraraka was clearing her throat every few seconds. Bakugou was the first to exit with Uraraka following close behind. The dinning room was as lively as ever with everyone chatting happily.

“Eyy there he is!” Kirishima grinned. “Bout time you got down here. I thought the food was going to get cold.” Bakugou grunted and siddled into the seat between Kirishima and Iida.

“Uraraka!” Izuku waved her over. “You gotta try the pork cutlet bowl. It’s delicious!”

Tsuyu passed her a napkin as she took a seat. “You sure did take a while. Did something happen?”

“No everything went just fine.” she replied, taking a bite of the food. Her gaze drifted down the table to where Bakugou was sitting. He was shooting an annoyed glance at Kaminari who was shoving chopsticks up his nose. She couldn’t shake the memory of him wearing glasses from her mind. Why did he wear them? Are they just for show? Does he need to wear them? Is he nearsighted or farsighted? Did he wear contacts?

“Earth to Uraraka.” Mina waved a hand in front of her face. “Are you there?”

She jumped, dropping her chopsticks. “Sorry!”

“You were really zoned out. Something on your mind?”

“Not really, I was just thinking about classes tomorrow!”

“Ah I hear ya! I still have to do that paper for Cementoss’s class.” Mina laughed.

Izuku nearly choked on a piece of pork. “You still haven’t done it?! But he assigned it a week ago!”

“I know, I know.” Mina shrugged. “Anyway what’d you think of the food Uraraka?”

“It’s delicious!”

“We’re gonna have to step our game up tomorrow night.” Mina laughed. “Although I’m not sure how we’re going to do that with Shouji and Bakugou on our team.” She pointed across the table where Bakugou was knocking Kaminari and Kirishima’s heads together.

Uraraka hummed in thought as she watched the display. “Maybe it’ll turn out alright.”

“We can only hope.” Mina twirled a chopstick between her fingers. “Anyway I better go get started on that paper.”

Aoyama came by and picked up Mina’s empty bowl. “And we have to start cleaning, Midoriya!”

“Yeah you’re right.” He said, taking both his and Uraraka’s bowls, grabbing even more on his way to the kitchen. Mineta was yelling at them for being slow pokes. Tokoyami yanked him back into the kitchen. Uraraka giggled at their antics.

Iida took the seat Izuku had vacated. “How did you enjoy our meal?” He flashed her a proud smile. “I like to think we did quite well.”

She smiled back at him. “I’d say you guys did a great job. It was very tasty.”

“I’m glad to hear it! Hopefully we’ll be this week’s winners.” Iida grinned. Dinner cooking had become a competition. The week’s dishes were voted on by the rest of the class and the winner’s for the best dish had the week off cleaning duty.

“I wouldn’t count my group out just yet.” Uraraka said. “ I’m sure we’ll make something fantastic.”

Iida laughed heartily. “I can’t wait to try it.”

“Say Iida? You wear your glasses all the time don’t you?”

“Hmm yes well aside from the times I’m sleeping or taking a shower. Why?” Iida quirked a brow.

“Just curious. Let’s say a person doesn’t wear their glasses all the time, why wouldn’t they?” Uraraka tapped her fingers on the table.

“Well they could wear contacts and wear glasses whenever they aren’t wearing them. Or they could just not like wearing them.” Iida tapped his chin. “Some people are embarassed by them and think it might give off a bookish vibe that they’ll be labeled a nerd or geek and be teased. I know I was when I was younger.” Iida smiled softly. “It’s stopped now thankfully.”

Uraraka smiled. “I’m glad it stopped.”

A loud clatter from the kitchen caught their attention. Iida sighed, “If you’ll excuse me, I have something to check on. It was nice talking with you.”

“See ya, Iida.” Uraraka waved.

She decided she should catch up on her homework too so she wandered back to her room. She pondered what Iida had said all the way.

It happened late Friday night.  That morning no one suspected anything.  I sent my son to school, my husband went to the barber’s.  I’m preparing lunch when my husband comes back.  "There’s some sort of fire at the nuclear plant,“ he says.  "They’re saying we are not to turn off the radio.”  I forgot to say that we lived in Pripyat, near the reactor.  I can still see the bright-crimson glow, it was like the reactor was glowing.  This wasn’t an ordinary fire, it was some kind of emanation.  It was pretty.  I’d never seen anything like it in the movies.  That evening everyone spilled out onto their balconies, and those who didn’t have them went to friend’s houses.  We were on the ninth floor, we had a great view.  People brought their kids out, picked them up, said, “Look!  Remember!”  And these were people who worked at the reactor – engineers, workers, physics instructors.  They stood in the black dust, talking, breathing, wondering at it.  People came from all around on their cars and their bikes to have a look.  We didn’t know that death could be so beautiful.  Though I wouldn’t say that it had no smell – it wasn’t a spring or an autumn smell, but something else, and it wasn’t the smell of earth.  My throat tickled, and my eyes watered.
— 

Nadezhda Vygovskaya, evacuee from the town of Pripyat; Monologue About What We Didn’t Know:  Death Can Be So Beautiful; Voices from Chernobyl (Svetlana Alexievich)


this paragraph.  this paragraph won’t leave me alone.

I have been feeling peaceful tonight for no reason. 

There is a big exam coming up for me on Tuesday. I am not nearly as prepared as I should be. 

I have an important group presentation to give on Friday. We haven’t even finished putting together the Powerpoint yet. 

I need to sort out some stuff with my med school tuition and figure our the deal with my health insurance before it’s too late. 

And yet there is a gentle tingle in my heart that is softly permeating my body. I noticed it a few hours ago when I was in the library. It’s still there. I can tell I am going to sleep well tonight. 

Anyways, I love you all. Keep awakening. 

Spelunking the Library

Aaaaalright time to finally notify everyone like I said I would

@elsewherenessa @elsewhereuni-arrow @ylva-silverflame @unamusedmoustache-elsewhere @liminal-spacethyme @crows-and-roses @tiredgremlin @elsewherequill 

I’ve tagged everyone I know is going on the library adventure For Sure, or at least I think I have. We’re thinking of heading out Friday, so let’s all try and make it to the chat to finish ironing out the details!

(Cola has also recommended Slack, which is both a phone app and a desktop thing. I have the link to this chatroom, too, so message me if you want it!)