sorryforthelongpost

I figured I’d do a #transformationtuesday for my own personal self. So sappy post time bare with me. The picture on the left I was unhealthy in the sense I ate whatever I wanted when I wanted. I was insecure and hated myself and thought I was obese when in reality I had some weight on me yeah but I really was no where near fat. My insecurities got in the way and pushed me into the middle picture where I was 104 lbs soaking wet at one point (I don’t even want to post a picture of that because its disgustingly graphic) but that is where I was the unhealthiest I’ve ever been. I weighed myself constantly and would go days, I mean DAYS without eating. I had toxic people in my life and I was so focused on being “perfect”. I destroyed my body of a peace of mind I never received. Now for on the right, is currently. Yes, you can say i’m still thin but guess what, I’m a hell of a lot healthier than I have ever been. I’ve been focusing on eating to fuel my body, and treating myself when i deserve it. Im still a work in progress, but I always will be and I’ve accepted that. I’ve come a long way thus far, with a little help from some amazing people along the way, and I will continue to kick life in the balls every single day. Nothings going to stop me now. #ichoserecovery #daybyday #loveyourselffirst #sorryforthelongpost

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I saw my dad that morning, and he even came to visit me at work that day when he was working. I remember saying “see ya later at home dad” and we went our separate ways. I went out with the rest of my family that day which is rare because we never all go out together. We received the phone call that my dad was in a car accident but didn’t know how bad. An hour later, we were told his back was broken and he was in an accident on 65. I kept telling myself this isn’t real, but seeing my dad in the ICU crying on a backboard made me realize that you need to appreciate how great life is. This wasn’t the end for him and UPMC did a fantastic job of telling this story. So tonight hug your parents and be sure to tell them you love them because you’ll never know what the next day will hold. ❤️😊🙏🏻👼🏻 #UPMC #grateful #sorryforthelongpost #godad

For those who don’t know. I spend my lunch at the gym getting my butt into shape for my overall health. I am so grateful for it, even though my face is always super red (hence why this photo is black and white). Today was arm day and my poor little muscles are sore, but they will be strong one day. 💪🏻 #sorryforthelongpost #fitness #24e #selfie #healthy

Send “Scene Four - Don’t You Ever Forget About Me” Ringtone to your Cell
The hardest thing I’d ever do
Is say goodbye and walk slowly away from you
But I’ll do it
And after all this time I shared with you
It seems unfair to leave with nothing more than blank stares
But I’ll do it
If it’s for the best then I wish you well
If it helps to say our life was a living hell
Well then do it
Then do it
Then do it

Don’t you ever forget about me
When you toss and turn in your sleep
I hope it’s because you can’t stop thinking about
The reasons why you close your eyes
I haunt your dreams at night
So you can’t stop thinking about me
Don’t stop thinking about me

Do you really think you could see this through
Put on a smile and wear it for someone new
Don’t you do it
‘Cause I know I’m not the easiest one to love
But every ounce I had
I invest in you
But no one said love’s not for taking chances

So don’t you ever forget about me
When you toss and turn in your sleep
I hope it’s because you can’t stop thinking about
The reasons why you close your eyes
I haunt your dreams at night
And so you can’t stop thinking about me (can’t stop thinking about me)

Will you take me back in the morning
If I promise to never act this way again
Oh Oh
'Cause I’m so bad at being lonely
But I don’t know how (don’t know how)
I don’t know how

So don’t you ever forget about me
Don’t you ever forget about me
Don’t you ever forget about me
When you toss and turn in your sleep
I hope it’s because you can’t stop thinking about
The reasons why you close your eyes
I haunt your dreams at night
It’s so you can’t stop thinking about me (don’t stop thinking about me)
Just close your eyes
And fall asleep tonight

#sws #sleepingwithsirens #fulllyrics #sorryforthelongpost #me

One year apart. A year ago today I was free out of a toxic relationship. I was lost and my self esteem was at an all time low. I promised myself that a year from that point I would turn my life around. I discovered powerbuilding in November and it changed my whole perspective. Instead of chasing a chiseled six pack and big biceps, I chased numbers. I constantly strive to be stronger and get bigger because that physical strength helps to build my mental strength. Now that it’s a year later I can’t say that everything is what I planned, but now I’m more comfortable with who I am and have a lovely lady in England who is coming to visit soon. If you have a success stories like this, please share. If you want to start and make a change, then don’t wait any longer. #sorryforthelongpost #justreflectingonhowfarivecome #thisisntevenmyfinalform

Sorry its really long

I got yelled at by part of my extended family recently because I said that I wanted to be rich and that I would further my education and get the best job that I could in order to make money. I got yelled at because they don’t understand the reasons for me wanting to be rich. I’ve grown up in a home where we haven’t always been able to know that we would have a home next month. My mother got sick when I was very young and made my father the sole provider. Raising 2 boys and paying for my mothers doctors bills on one persons income is hard. I want to be rich because I never want my children to be worried if they’re going to have a house or a bed to sleep on. I want to be able to pay off the debt that my parents have because of medical bills and me (and my little brother and i being stupid and injuring ourselves). But throughout my childhood I was always stressed about spending my parents money and its still like that today. I’m 18 and I don’t ever ask my parents for money because I know that its hard on them. I never want my kids to feel like I can’t help them out if they need it. I want to have savings set back in case emergencies arise or for college tuition. I don’t want to be rich so I can rub it other peoples faces like my extended family thinks I do. I was raised better than that.

To all the beautiful people in these pictures, I have you to thank for getting me where I am. Thank you to my mom and @_xoevelyn_ for being the best family a girl could ever ask for. You guys are my guiding light and I’m so blessed to have you both. To my big and sib, you guys are the only ones who can make me cry. I don’t think I’d be the person I am today if it wasn’t for your support and your love. To my little marbles, we’ve had our ups and downs but at the end of the day we can always put it past us and come out stronger. You’re so sweet and so thoughtful. You know just what to say to cheer me up. Thank you. To my best friend, Jess, you’re my person. You know me better than anyone else on this planet and I’m so blessed to have you in my life. You’re my soulmate. Thank you to everyone for all that you’ve done for me. No amount of words could describe how appreciative I am of you all 💜❤️💜❤️ #SorryForTheLongPost #IGraduated #GiveMeABreak #FIUGrad

The Pieces Come Together

I’ve been thinking a lot about a certain thing, particularly, with someone (one of my friends). I mean, I’ve been talking to my friend about this whole roller coaster of a relationship, and I think I’ve finally gotten the pieces sorted out together.

1. Drifting

I feel like you (and by you, I mean you as a person complete with characteristics, personality, likes and dislikes, the whole shibang) are changing.  There’s a reason why I’ve said before that I feel like we’re just really good friends, and nothing more- and that’s because you’ve lost touch. When I look at this at a wider perspective, even from your side instead of mine, I see that there’s little to no effort. I mean yes, you’ve come to me on days when you don’t have class, and that’s sweet and all, but that’s the extent of your efforts. With me, even if I have the most complicated limitations, I try my best to exert romance. I’ve sent you long sweet messages, arranged a picnic where I labored over the stove just to personally cook you your favorite food, texted you whenever I could because I wanted to talk to you, but even then, you only come back with the same sweet messages that, at first, seemed so romantic, but now feel like nothing more but a recitation.

2. Trying

You try too hard to be someone you’re not. You’re perfectly fine the way you are, but when you’re out with our friends (all the time btw, without me), you turn into someone who tries too hard to be cool. It’s scary and maybe offensive even to call you this, but it’s true, and I’ve had my friend confirm it as well- you’re becoming a social climber, trying so hard to be indifferent and hipster.

3. Forgetting

I feel forgotten; and no matter how many times you tell me that you never forget me when you’re out drinking or “chilling”, I know you have. Because truth is, you’ve prioritized your friends… our friends over me. When you’re out, you stop texting. You were never like that before.I mean, no matter where you were, what you were doing, you would always text me, but now , it’s become you who asks in a fit of rage 
“Why do you always want to text me?!”

…. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m your girlfriend?

4. Jealousy

We had that previous issue about you having a “small crush that will go away anyway” on one of my closest friends. It hurt me like hell, I’m not gonna lie. For some reason, illogical or not, the fact that it was one of my best friends made it even more painful probably because it felt like betrayal. And no matter how small you say your feelings were or maybe even are, I know they were stronger than you said they were. And even if you say you don’t want anything with her (and I know you don’t want anything with her, don’t worry), I still hurt over it.

Whenever you “chill” with your friends, and I’m finally chilling with you, there’s one thing you always do- you isolate me. There’s you and our friends together, and then there’s me, sitting to the side trying to join in. And the thing is, you just let me be, you don’t stay with me or help me join in at all. I mean sure, you’re sitting next to me and you occasionally put your head on my shoulder, but that’s the extent of your sweetness and effort.

5. Pictures

Going back to you and my friend (and I love my friend so much and definitely do not hold anything against her in any way) -  whenever you guys are together in a group, once again, chilling, I noticed that you always put yourself near her. Whether you know it or not, it’s always the two of you interacting with each other while I’m left to the side with no choice but to just let it be because I feel like I have no right to feeling this sad about it. You always position her in different angles asking her to pose to take pictures of her. And okay, most of the time, it’s her, but a lot of the time, it’s her and our friends too. You take pictures of everyone.. everyone but me. When it comes to me, I have to ask you to do it, and when you do do it, you act as if it’s a burden.. and it hurts, cuz I feel like I’m just forcing you to do something you don’t want to do. But the thing is, you always do that one thing willingly and excitingly with other people, but when it comes to me, you act like you were coerced into it. Like you’re sick of it. This brings us back to jealousy and putting your friends first before me.

6. Nothing Wrong

There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing your friends before me I guess, but it’s come to a point where I’ve been left out…. by you. I feel unwanted.

7. Sweet

You’re sweet towards me, that’s true. And even romantic (through text majority of the time because you refuse to show genuine affection towards me in public…. and in front of our friends [and by genuine, I mean in a serious way, not in a you try to be funny in front of our friends to make them laugh through your weird act of affection kind of way]) but the thing is, your romantic acts are mostly limited to texting sweet things- the SAME sweet things you’ve been texting me since we’ve gotten together. 

“you’re my forever”

“I love you”

“I love you more”

“I want to marry you”

“you and me forever”

I love hearing these things but sometimes I wonder if there’s more to you than just these proclamations.

8. Embarrasment

You’ve embarrassed me a number of times. I’m letting everything I feel out. You’ve called me a famewhore, made fun of me in front of our friends just so you can look and sound hilarious to make them laugh, you’ve aired out dirty laundry and complained to everyone about me being angry because “she’s on her period again”. Do you even see how rude you’ve become? Even if it’s for fun? Even if your offensive jokes are just jokes, that doesn’t make it okay. It’s done at the expense of someone elses reputation or being. It hurts. Yes, you may be able to make everyone laugh, but you hurt someone else in the process. Someone who you should be careful and loving about whether she’s with you or not- me. I’m not someone you make fun of just so you can look cool and funny in front of your friends. I’m not someone you can just offend, and hurt then think that even if I get mad, we’ll be okay anyway in the future because we’re together so I’ll forgive you anyway. I’m not someone you can, should, or are able to take advantage of. And that’s what you’ve been doing- you’ve been taking advantage of me and my care and love for you.

9. Bringing Everything Back

You’re probably wondering why I’ve put all of our past issues in one post after it’s been finished. The reason is, all of these issues haven’t changed or been dealt with and it’s been turning into something else leaving me a jealous and hurt mess.You say I over react but I’m not. You just don’t want to listen to me when I tell you how much your actions have affected me.

|MsMaryMax|

Letting Go Is Hard But I Have You

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”

I just discovered this song the other day and it speaks to me on a whole other level that I didn’t think possible. God is working in my life in more ways than I could try to recount and I’m beyond blessed for our relationship. In thanks, I’m learning to let go of control of my life, (which has always been EXTREMELY difficult for me), and let Him take the lead and I’ll follow wherever He calls. I’m a work in progress and I’ll never achieve perfection, but through Him all things are possible.

Okay, repost.. Now I’m 2 days late. Happy Anniversary, my love! It was a tough year for us being the complete opposite that we are, we found it hard to adjust to each other’s perspectives and flaws. It has been one heck of a crazy roller coaster ride. 365 days and I do not regret a single thing. If there’s anything I learned is that I have to give things some time. I learned how not to be too self-centered but at the same time know how to value myself. I also learned that I shouldn’t change you because you should be willing to change yourself. I learned not to judge nor nag you because I can only motivate and support you. I learned to better my understanding. I learned to give you space because I shouldn’t love with suffocation, I have to let you be you but at the same time letting you know that you have to grow and work with me too. I learned how to complain when I’m hurt without being a bitch. I learned how to scream when I know you’re wrong and being stubborn but at the same time reminding you that I appreciate the good things you do and has done for me, but even after I swore to have mastered and learned these things, I know that I will continue to be human and have my faults but I only hope that you acknowledge the effort I make with all that I might and best that I can. Nevertheless, with the changes we have made I can truly say that I am happy and proud to be where we are now. I know things won’t get close to perfect, but through time I am only hoping for the best. As long as we are both trying with our 100%, staying loyal only to one another and being happy and grateful to be with each other then I am here to stay. Just know that as long as I’m here you’ll never have to face the world alone, I love you! #Simp #081512 #SorryForTheLongPost #ExpressingMyLove

Okay so most of you might think that I have been posting loads of selfies lately and it might even be quite annoying to some. If you notice, I have stopped posting pictures of myself a few months back as I gained so much weight, have been jobless for a while, and didn’t feel good about myself anymore. But I have now gained the confidence I once thought would never come back since I finally have a job and I have also started working out again. I am certainly not aiming to have the perfect features, height and body structure but what’s important is I’m starting to believe in myself again. This is just the beginning. And with that, I want to end this post with one of my favorite quotes:
“You are but a product of your thoughts, what you think, you become. -Gandhi” 😊 #loveyourselffirst #selfie #sorryforthelongpost #quotes #selfconfidence #notanarcissist

I hope that a lot of these kids out there today learn that you don’t have to know what you want to do with the rest of your life straight out of college. If you need to take a year off so you can think then do that. Don’t spend thousands of dollars on an education right out of the gate. You’ll just end up spending more money on mindless bullshit. Take a year. Work. See what it’s like to be an adult. Because that’s what they won’t teach you. They won’t teach you how to pay bills or pay for college all at the same time. They won’t tell you that you’ll have to budget everything you do so that you can have a roof over your head. So my advice, as I’ve said probably 4 times now, if you don’t know what you would like to do with the rest of your life, it’s okay. Take a year. Think. Work. And plan. Don’t mindlessly go to college and spend years wasting money changing majors because someone tells you “you’ll be behind” that’s bullshit. Figure out what you want to do and do it. Just a little rant. Sorry. Hope this gets to at least one kid that’s graduating this year.

Left the theater with a pit in my stomach Friday night. I remember my mother playing the Back To Back album when it first came out so many times that to this day I’m still sick of the song ‘Rehab’. I grew to love Amy’s sound and found that love again recently, listening to her on a daily basis for the past two years. Amy’s music has become a staple in my home and she continues to be one of the artists that inspire me when I write and create my own music. The new documentary is a wonderful film and if you’re anything like me expect to be holding back tears by the end.

#amywinehouse #sorryforthelongpost #lioness #music #backtoblack #frank

I’ve had epilepsy since I was 8. Even though I don’t have grand mal seizures all the time, it still is a serious condition, that’s prevented me from having a job, driving and going out during the day because I have photo sensitivity epilepsy which means the sunlight and any lighting can cause me to have petit mal seizures. Which are smaller but they happen all the time. That’s why I forget a lot of things all the time. So take the time to share this and spread the word. #sorryforthelongpost #insightintomylife #invisibleillnesses #epilepsyawareness #rant #mystory

Loving truly is the thing i do most. I’ve been in so many crazy relationships and the worst you can think of. Physically, verbal, & emotional abuse. I have been manipulated, compulsively lied to, and put down. But it’s never going to stop me from loving with my whole heart. Even if i wanted to i wouldn’t be able to do it because it’s just a part of who I am. I feel bad for all the people who have been hurt like me and do bad to others because of our past. We are meant to learn from it not become it. Life is short and we have got to take advantage of the time we have even if you feel as though you’ve wasted it on the wrong person. Life is short and full of lesson. If you never learn from past experiences then you have not truly lived. #fromtheheart #sorryforthelongpost #pregnancyhormones

What is love?

What a freaking clique question to ask but it’s so serious.

I just had like the most serious revelation ever. Some of you who know me personally or have followed me a while know that I’m completely and utterly in love with my ex. Like no force of nature can seem to change that and it drives me nuts. But maybe that’s just it. Maybe I’m not supposed to fall out of love with him. We’ve been talking for the last 2days and I just know he’s different. He looks at me different. He acts different. He’s just not the same. But I still love Every single part of him. Even the parts where he just isn’t ready. Isn’t ready for me, isn’t ready for that type of relationship that we once had.

But that doesn’t mean that I just need to stop loving him at the snap of a finger. It doesn’t mean I should start disliking him, or any girlfriend that he gets, or stalk him or any other interest of his on social media, or tirer myself trying to figure out how we can end up together, (which I’ve done ALL of these) it means that I move on and let it be. I can still hold on to the love that I have for him, and it’s okay to cry sometimes because I miss the times when he still loved me the way I love him, but I just let go of what just can’t be.

Love has a funny way of changing people. People will committ suicide, run into burning buildings, donate organs, stay up endlessly at night crying and worrying, sacrifice all that they have even the shirt of their own back. They will write poems and songs, and travel long distances, spend all day staring at their phones for just one conversation. They will lie, steal, cheat, and literally kill, if it’s for the sake of someone they love.

And right now this love, this love that consumes me and makes me cry and scream, and smile, and laugh all at the same time is teaching me something. It teaches me about myself and it teaches me about my savior.

And I imagine that this love is the love that God feels for all of use. Each one individually. He just LONGS to love us and pursue us so much. He wants us to pray and be apart of His life and follow in His will so the heartache won’t be so bad. With each day that I love Cody(which as been for 3years and counting) it teaches me about the love God has for me and how much more I love Him

Bands I saw in 2013, in order.
  • Nico Vega
  • Atlas Genius
  • Imagine Dragons
  • Mother Mother
  • Imagine Dragons
  • Gemini Club
  • Panic! At the Disco
  • Hellogoodbye
  • Metric
  • Paramore
  • NoNoNo
  • Ms Mr
  • Portugal the Man
  • Panic! At the Disco
  • Grouplove
  • Alt-J
  • Fouls
  • Queens of the Stone Age
  • Thirty Seconds to Mars

Despite all the bad shit that happened to me this year, I can’t complain.

p.s If the band is bolded they headlined for that concert and the non-bolded bands opened up for them. 

now for my favorite pictures I took at these concerts. (pls dont steal they’re shitty photos anyways)

My feelings towards X-mas right now. I honestly don’t see the point in celebrating it anymore. It seems stupid &pointless when I don’t know what the fuck I believe in. I’m not a grinch or anything, I’ve just lost interest in playing along with society & it’s beliefs that I myself don’t believe in. Besides, all Christmas is to some people is getting presents & shit. #falloutboy #fob #yuleshootyoureeyeout #xmas #merrychristmas #icouldcareless #merp #whatsthepoint #sorryforthelongpost