I’ve been thinking a lot about a certain thing, particularly, with someone (one of my friends). I mean, I’ve been talking to my friend about this whole roller coaster of a relationship, and I think I’ve finally gotten the pieces sorted out together.
I feel like you (and by you, I mean you as a person complete with characteristics, personality, likes and dislikes, the whole shibang) are changing. There’s a reason why I’ve said before that I feel like we’re just really good friends, and nothing more- and that’s because you’ve lost touch. When I look at this at a wider perspective, even from your side instead of mine, I see that there’s little to no effort. I mean yes, you’ve come to me on days when you don’t have class, and that’s sweet and all, but that’s the extent of your efforts. With me, even if I have the most complicated limitations, I try my best to exert romance. I’ve sent you long sweet messages, arranged a picnic where I labored over the stove just to personally cook you your favorite food, texted you whenever I could because I wanted to talk to you, but even then, you only come back with the same sweet messages that, at first, seemed so romantic, but now feel like nothing more but a recitation.
You try too hard to be someone you’re not. You’re perfectly fine the way you are, but when you’re out with our friends (all the time btw, without me), you turn into someone who tries too hard to be cool. It’s scary and maybe offensive even to call you this, but it’s true, and I’ve had my friend confirm it as well- you’re becoming a social climber, trying so hard to be indifferent and hipster.
I feel forgotten; and no matter how many times you tell me that you never forget me when you’re out drinking or “chilling”, I know you have. Because truth is, you’ve prioritized your friends… our friends over me. When you’re out, you stop texting. You were never like that before.I mean, no matter where you were, what you were doing, you would always text me, but now , it’s become you who asks in a fit of rage
“Why do you always want to text me?!”
…. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m your girlfriend?
We had that previous issue about you having a “small crush that will go away anyway” on one of my closest friends. It hurt me like hell, I’m not gonna lie. For some reason, illogical or not, the fact that it was one of my best friends made it even more painful probably because it felt like betrayal. And no matter how small you say your feelings were or maybe even are, I know they were stronger than you said they were. And even if you say you don’t want anything with her (and I know you don’t want anything with her, don’t worry), I still hurt over it.
Whenever you “chill” with your friends, and I’m finally chilling with you, there’s one thing you always do- you isolate me. There’s you and our friends together, and then there’s me, sitting to the side trying to join in. And the thing is, you just let me be, you don’t stay with me or help me join in at all. I mean sure, you’re sitting next to me and you occasionally put your head on my shoulder, but that’s the extent of your sweetness and effort.
Going back to you and my friend (and I love my friend so much and definitely do not hold anything against her in any way) - whenever you guys are together in a group, once again, chilling, I noticed that you always put yourself near her. Whether you know it or not, it’s always the two of you interacting with each other while I’m left to the side with no choice but to just let it be because I feel like I have no right to feeling this sad about it. You always position her in different angles asking her to pose to take pictures of her. And okay, most of the time, it’s her, but a lot of the time, it’s her and our friends too. You take pictures of everyone.. everyone but me. When it comes to me, I have to ask you to do it, and when you do do it, you act as if it’s a burden.. and it hurts, cuz I feel like I’m just forcing you to do something you don’t want to do. But the thing is, you always do that one thing willingly and excitingly with other people, but when it comes to me, you act like you were coerced into it. Like you’re sick of it. This brings us back to jealousy and putting your friends first before me.
6. Nothing Wrong
There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing your friends before me I guess, but it’s come to a point where I’ve been left out…. by you. I feel unwanted.
You’re sweet towards me, that’s true. And even romantic (through text majority of the time because you refuse to show genuine affection towards me in public…. and in front of our friends [and by genuine, I mean in a serious way, not in a you try to be funny in front of our friends to make them laugh through your weird act of affection kind of way]) but the thing is, your romantic acts are mostly limited to texting sweet things- the SAME sweet things you’ve been texting me since we’ve gotten together.
“you’re my forever”
“I love you”
“I love you more”
“I want to marry you”
“you and me forever”
I love hearing these things but sometimes I wonder if there’s more to you than just these proclamations.
You’ve embarrassed me a number of times. I’m letting everything I feel out. You’ve called me a famewhore, made fun of me in front of our friends just so you can look and sound hilarious to make them laugh, you’ve aired out dirty laundry and complained to everyone about me being angry because “she’s on her period again”. Do you even see how rude you’ve become? Even if it’s for fun? Even if your offensive jokes are just jokes, that doesn’t make it okay. It’s done at the expense of someone elses reputation or being. It hurts. Yes, you may be able to make everyone laugh, but you hurt someone else in the process. Someone who you should be careful and loving about whether she’s with you or not- me. I’m not someone you make fun of just so you can look cool and funny in front of your friends. I’m not someone you can just offend, and hurt then think that even if I get mad, we’ll be okay anyway in the future because we’re together so I’ll forgive you anyway. I’m not someone you can, should, or are able to take advantage of. And that’s what you’ve been doing- you’ve been taking advantage of me and my care and love for you.
9. Bringing Everything Back
You’re probably wondering why I’ve put all of our past issues in one post after it’s been finished. The reason is, all of these issues haven’t changed or been dealt with and it’s been turning into something else leaving me a jealous and hurt mess.You say I over react but I’m not. You just don’t want to listen to me when I tell you how much your actions have affected me.