Malcolm Hawke: “I’ve bought our freedom, Leandra. We can go home now, us and the baby. We’ll be together. I hope it takes after you, love. I would wish this magic on no one. May they never learn what I’ve done here.”.
She paused her pace, her hand was still finishing some touches to her hair… She stopped as soon as she realised that… Clarke wasn’t staying. She heard the knocking on the door, she rushed to open it because she knew it was Clarke. She was happy to see her, but that feeling changed the moment she saw her.
2. Clarke was happy to see her too, she saw how pretty she was, but that… that wasn’t important at this moment. This moment was going to change everything forever. THIS was going to be the last time she was going to see Lexa. And somehow, Clarke felt guilty about it. Like, if she indeed said the words ¨good-bye¨ it would be her fault. She need it to say ¨sorry¨ before she even opened her mouth.
3. Lexa saw the pain in Clarke’s eyes.
She want it to say that this wasn’t her fault, but she couldn’t say it out loud though. All she need it to know now, was how much time they had left.
You can see her begging with all of her soul for Clarke to stay, that maybe by doing so, somehow she will change her decision.
4. Lexa: please stay-When you leave?
She is sad, she doesn’t want her to go but the realization that this is in fact a reality, killed her.
She knows it’s not Clarke’s fault, but the inflection in her eyes and her mouth can tell you that she is indeed MAD, she is angry at the situation, and maybe a little bit to Clarke. STAY
5. Lexa realised in a second that all the things she was thinking were wrong.
She is not angry, she is just feeling sad, and the worst part is that Clarke it is sad too, and there’s nothing she could do to change that.
Clarke is in fact going to leave. And maybe she is leaving because she doesn’t feel the same way about her.
Please don’t say ¨now¨
6. Clarke: -Now. But my heart will always going to be with you
The words coming out of her mouth are Now, and it’s basically a NO. She knows that by saying “now” she is saying NO to Lexa.
So she needs a way of telling her that she is going to leave because she has to, not because she wants to go. The only way she finds this posible is by saying YES with all of her body.
YES, i’m going, YES i want to stay with you, YES, please SEE that i love you, YES, don’t be sad, YES i’m sorry life got in the way. And YES I´m sorry i can´t do anything else.
7. But all that Lexa caught from that, is a big hard NO from her.
And that killed her again. She had asked her to stay with her, and now by leaving she was saying that she didn’t wanted to BE with her. She felt SAD.
She felt angry, this was the confirmation of all of her worries. Clarke didn’t love her. And this “goodbye” was probably the last words she would have with Clarke.
She is angry at life, she wishes they had met in differents circumtances, maybe things would’ve been so much different.
And then, she surrenders, she feels powerless, so she just gives in. Her eyes are full of pain and disappointment. She is a lost puppy in the rain.
Her body mimicked the YES that Clarke’s body did, but her Yes meant so many different things:
YES, of course you are going to leave, YES, it was silly of me to think otherwise. YES, just go. YES, my heart can’t take it anymore. YES, okay, go already. And YES, i’m okay with your decision.
8. Clarke: -I’m Sorry
She couldn’t hold it for long. She was sorry. She need it to say it with the actual words.
She loved her and this was the last time they had together. She was sorry for taking so long to forgive her. She was sorry that life got in the way, that her people got in the way, she was sorry for causing her so much pain.
She was sorry for all the moments they wouldn’t have in the future, and all the ones in the past that they didn’t had because she was so full of pride.
She was so sorry, that words wouldn’t come out of her mouth.
She was so caught up on the list of things she was saying sorry in her mind, that she didn’t saw the PAIN in Lexa’s eyes.
She was trying to be reassuring and comforting with that SORRY, until her frown changed the moment she realized, that Lexa wasn’t understanding her good-bye, she was dissapointed at her, and sad.
9. Lexa had moments to be sad, disappointed, angry and vulnerable to Clarke. She noticed that she was seeing that, so this time, she swallowed up all of her pain and turned it into PRIDE.
She wanted the next words to be strong, and full of understanding to Clarke, and not give away any more emotions.
She spoke: - You have to go back to your people. Because i’m not your people and i’ll never be.
But “Your people” give it away. She lost it there,your, I’m not YOUR people.
She had strong factions all over her face, her voice was strong, until she said “YOUR PEOPLE”. At that words she lowered her eye brows and all of her guards, because at that moment she knew she’ll never be her people. That, killed her for the 3rd time.
And last, all sink in finally. There she was, the girl she loved, saying forever goodbye, and leaving her, admiting to her that she would never love her back.
She had kissed her once, a long time ago and all she knew back then, it was that someday, maybe…
Later on, she lost all of her hopes with her, when she “chose” her people.
She knew that she’ll never ever get a chance to kiss her again, but that didn’t stopped her for hunting her down and keeping her safe, from the ice nation and the world, basically.
After that, she had the confirmation of her thoughts, in the most horrible way, when she felt a blade on her throat, held it by the girl she’ll love forever.
But then, a little light changed her thoughts, a little candle in the form of a drawing. She saw how the girl, who she thought hated her, and wanted her dead, drew her.
Maybe, maybe that day she wanted, was somewhere in the future, and in a more closer future than she had thought.
But NO. Clarke was leaving, she didn’t loved her, she didn’t wanted her.
She was never going to kiss her again. She was long gone from her life.
And the joke behind this, is that she wished them to be in a different world, with different circumstances. But truth be told, she loved her because they lived in this world, and this circumstances where the ones who showed her the true spirit and heart of Clarke.
Maybe in a different world she’ll just find her attractive but she’ll never be in love with that person, because that girl would not be her Clarke.
And by leaving now, she was living up to the expectations she had of her. So she had to, she had to leave.
So she swallowed up all that pain, and smiled at Clarke, just a little bit, because she was sad, but she was so proud of her.
Is this what she felt when i left her in Mount Weather?
Of course not, she didn’t loved me like i do now.
Why she would loved me in the first place? I’m not worthy of her love.
She knew she needed to speak up again, before this thoughts go any further.
So she did.
By almost saying I love you.
Proving that Clarke was and forever will be the Commander of her heart, her brain, and her soul.
And even if she tries her best to hide her feelings from her, she can’t.
She loves her beyond everything, no matter what.
This is why LEXA cried her eyes out, when Clarke kissed her.