A fun, easy-to-use format if you, a public figure, is dragged into an apology for a destructive history of sexual harassment or assault!
Hello. I want to address the stories told to [reputable New York-based print publication] by these [number] [type of person you sexually preyed on while taking advantage their trust in a professional environment]. I just want to say right now: these allegations are true. I am writing this letter to [verb that isn’t quite a synonym of “apologize”] to the [synonym for “beautiful”] women I’ve hurt in the past. I’m [adjective that’s not “sorry”] for taking out my [dick].
I came of age at a time when standards were different. It was [any time in human history that wasn’t like three weeks ago]. Almost anything was acceptable. It was okay to [verb you’d do on a farm] women. I saw my father once [verb you’d do in an Orange Julius] a woman with a [noun you’d shoplift from a Sharper Image] he found at [Lids hat store]. That was just the norm back then. You could basically do anything to a woman, especially if she was a [number less than or equal to six]. I mean, in the eyes of the law a woman less than a seven is a [type of house pet]. You’re allowed to take them to the vet. I heard that once. Again, I’m [word that’s not “sorry”] about my [dick].
I honestly don’t remember the allegations about my [dick]. I have a pretty bad memory. I don’t even remember what happened in [episode of acclaimed AMC or Amazon drama]. I used to have to read Wikipedia between episodes of [Halt and Catch Fire or Bosch] to remember what happened the week before. How could I forget [extremely detailed recap of season 2 episode 5 of Halt and Catch Fire “Extract and Defend,” which is the one where Cameron and Joe cross paths, sending Cameron into a tailspin and Gordon searches for connection as he absorbs difficult news]! So of course I wouldn’t remember corning a woman in the bathroom at our [place of work] and going to [verb] her [noun] and then taking out my [noun] and making her [verb] it while blocking the [door or window] so she couldn’t [verb] even if she wanted to. That just wouldn’t really make an impression.
Look, I’m not afraid to admit it. I am a cute little pervert, and so is my [dick]. I am sick, just like [friend or co-worker who is an actor on a streaming show or a member of the United States senate that you want to throw under the bus to take the heat off your apology] who is also definitely a predator, I have proof. I have harassed all kinds of women. [Nationality] women. [Other “nationality” which borders on racial slur] women. I made both [famous tennis playing sisters] watch me [way of cleansing one’s body with water while standing up]. I’ve always thought [female fast food mascot] was very attractive and I once ordered a venti [favorite flavor of Frappuccino] and put my [dick] in the cup so it would look like the Starbucks mermaid was sucking my [dick]. Look. How many times do I have to say it? I’m [not quite “sorry”].
In my defense, honestly, you can’t say these women weren’t a part of the problem. Of course they were asking for it, why else would they be named [female name that ends in “i”] or [literally any other female name]? They would walk all around you at parties wearing [type of clothes] clothes. Can you believe it? [Type of clothes] clothes! You could clearly see their [non-sexual body parts]. Come on. How was I supposed to resist? If a woman really didn’t want the attention, why would she be wearing her [body part]? She[any amount of the letter “e”]esh!
This story has encouraged me to address other aspects of my life. I will go to rehab for being an a[dick]t. What I’ve learned from this ordeal is that I am an extremely influential [profession] who is admired by [number between three million and all] people and could’ve been [a more academic profession] if I had wanted to, everyone in my family thought so, I just didn’t want to go to that many years of grad school. Also, in other news, I now choose to live as a [gay or religious] man. Please give me and my [gay or religious] [dick] our privacy.
Again, I would just to end by [gerund that is not “apologizing”] one more time. Please [Christian noun] for me as I go on this journey of recovery. And hey, cut me some slack: at least I’m not [Woody Allen].
[Your name] and [your name]’s dick