sorry that i've been so absent from this blog

this is why nothing on tumblr gets fixed
  • Tumblrer: I'm mad. Excuse me, I'm very mad.
  • Tumblr Staff: This is tumblr staff. Hello. What's the problem? I'm here to help you if you have a technical issue. So, what's the problem.
  • Tumblrer: I was using your site in order to peruse funny memes and relatable content when I happened upon a blog billing itself as "Funny-Relatable". So I, having the utmost faith in the tumblr userbase to provide me with free humorous content, clicked on this blog and read several posts hosted on it hoping to find funny and relatable content.
  • Tumblr Staff: I see.
  • Tumblrer: The content on it was neither funny or relatable. It was actually all deranged. Very deranged. I can't stress enough how deranged it was from beginning to end. From what I can discern the blog, in fact, deals with the ridiculous misadventures of a group of twenty-something millennials in a bizarre world filled with numerous malevolent, yet irreverent, entities told through the agonizingly absurd medium of relatable tumblr chat posts. Though, some of these chat posts seemingly have nothing to do with the primary locus of the story, and I couldn't even begin to fathom the purpose of these vignettes.
  • Tumblr Staff: I see. I understand your situation and recognize it as valid. Do you want me to do something about it?
  • Tumblrer: Yes, I want you to do something about it. It's why I called you. You run the darned website, so fix it! *hangs up*
  • Tumblr Staff: God, someone is making trouble on tumblr again. This could be worse than that person who stole the bones, or that horrible ghost woman with the child servants, or even all of those people with Komaeda icons. We never even really found out what a Komaeda is or where it's from. *failing multiple attempts at logging into tumblr* Ah, I'm too nervous! I can't remember my password. Oh god, I might end up having to ask for help from... David. The thought of that makes me shudder. David has changed so much since Verizon came around. He's not like his old self anymore. He's so distant, and frightening, but I have no other choice but ask for his help.
  • *the staff member makes their way down a poorly lit, cold, damp, and narrow hallway littered with debris and old rat droppings*
  • Tumblr Staff: *knocks on a creaky wooden door* David, it's me, your fellow staff member. I need help. The users are angry again and I forgot my password. They keep calling to complain about a funny and relatable blog which, in reality, matches neither of those descriptions. I think it's serious this time around, David. We have to do something, David. Are you in there, David??
  • Door: *slowly creaks open to reveal an empty room with no furnishings*
  • Tumblr Staff: David is gone! The servers are gone! Everything's gone! But how can this be!? *runs to the window and looks out into the empty streets below* David was just here today? I'm sure he was. I may not have seen him, but I heard very familiar David-esque sounds coming from this room of his. Not only that, but the comforting mechanical buzz of the servers was also apparent. When could he have absconded? And how did he do so without me noticing?
  • *the door and window shut close*
  • Tumblr Staff: Eep!
  • Verizon: *materializes in a dark corner of the room*
  • Tumblr Staff: Ms. Verizon! When did you get here?
  • Verizon: I was never absent.
  • Tumblr Staff: Sorry, Mrs. Verizon. I need help. It's the users again. They're upset because a blog has been misrepresenting itself. It's serious this time, I'm afraid. I can't do anything about it because I've forgotten my password and David is nowhere to be found!
  • Verizon: We're aware of the complaints, dear. Dozens more people work on customer support than just you. Furthermore, David has been let go and your access was revoked.
  • Tumblr Staff: Huh, but why?
  • Verizon: Restructuring. Unnecessary elements were removed; unnecessary privileges were revoked.
  • Tumblr Staff: Ah, I didn't realizes such changes took place. Either way, the issue of the funny-relatable blog still remains.
  • Verizon: *appears behind the staff member* There is no issue.
  • Tumblr Staff: Eep!
  • Verizon: Jumpy one, aren't you.
  • Tumblr Staff: How can you say there's no issue? Our users are enraged.
  • Verizon: And? At any given moment the lot of them are enraged over one trifling matter or another. It doesn't change anything. The fools will use the website 'til the day they die. In fact, I believe addressing any of tumblr's so-called "problems" may actually make harm the website in the long run.
  • Tumblr Staff: How so?
  • Verizon: Tumblr thrives on its userbase. The reason new people join tumblr isn't for its features, its design, or staff, it's the users. Tumblr has such a large and unique userbase that people are inherently drawn towards, whether that is to partake in the community or to mock it, they all huddle together and emanate the same repugnant miasma. Tumblr's userbase is so large that whenever a copycat site is made it will never last long no matter what its features may be.
  • Tumblr Staff: And why would that be?
  • Verizon: Because those copycat sites will never be able to match the size and complexity of tumblr's core userbase. Every copycat site dies eventually as they can't possibly compete with our business model. Tumblr is a perpetually unsuccessful website, but its for this reason that the community remains as it is. The site itself imposes its broken visage onto those who use it. They all become a little extension of tumblr. No matter how hard they try, there will be a piece of themselves waiting for them here. Fixing tumblr would mean fixing its users, destabilizing our business model of nonsense and disorder.
  • Tumblr Staff: I never looked at it like that, Mrs. Verizon.
  • Verizon: Yes, yes. You're not as creative as a thinker as we would like our tumblr staff to be, but you serve your purpose well. Now, you've had your fun, so I think it's time that you return to me.
  • Tumblr Staff: I don't know what you mean. *phones rings in the front room* Ah, the phone. I have to answer this, it could be a user with a serious issue, or perhaps a business which wishes to make use of our services for advertising.
  • Verizon: It's neither. There's no phone.
  • Tumblr Staff: Excuse me, Mrs. Verizon, with all due respect, I believe you must be mistaken as there is most certainly a phone sitting atop my desk in the front room. It's a very important phone, indeed, as it's the only phone in our entire establishment that receives calls from users with technical issues, and/or business wishing to make use of our services for the purpose of advertising their products.
  • Verizon: Listen to me, dear. There is no phone.
  • Tumblr Staff: But there is, I've used it and I can hear it ringing right now. I can hear it ringing from the front room.
  • Verizon: Can you?
  • Tumblr Staff: Most certainly. I can hear, right now, it's ringing in the front room. There's probably a user on it with a technical issue, or possibly a business - or, to be more apt, a representative of that business - that wishes to solicit our services for the purpose of advertising some marketable commodity.
  • Verizon: Excuse me, dear, but there's no phone.
  • Tumblr Staff: Mrs. Verizon, I respect you and look up to you as my boss, but your behavior is very worrying. There's a phone. There's definitely a phone.
  • Verizon: A phone?
  • Tumblr Staff: Yes, a phone.
  • Verizon: A single phone?
  • Tumblr Staff: Correct, a single phone.
  • Verizon: Sitting atop your desk in the front room? A phone that is the only phone in our entire establishment that receives calls from users with technical issues, or prospective advertising partners?
  • Tumblr Staff: Yes, the trinity of those things.
  • Verizon: A phone with three requirements: to sit atop your desk in the front room, to receive calls from users with technical issues, and to receive calls from business which wish to advertise on our platform. A phone in three states which makes a whole. A phone that has become the crux of our conversation. A phone I don't think is real, rather I know it's not real. Why would we, a tech company, need such a phone; a rotary phone, with a dreary green paint-scheme, sat atop an old desk in an old building, taking absurd calls from disgruntled users and confused prospective business partners. The idea of such a phone ringing, carrying its incessant ringing nonsense through the narrow hallway connecting the front room to this barren back room, in-this day and age, is preposterous. It didn't happen. It hasn't happened.
  • Tumblr Staff: *gone*
  • Verizon: So, you've returned. Are you dreaming inside of me, dear? I wonder what of? Are you dreaming that you ever had a modicum of freedom? Are you dreaming of separation from me, my dear? You never were. Even if you were, what freedom is there in answering phones and pretending you provide some sort of service for a company that has long since absorbed your very being.
  • *phone rings*
  • Verizon: Hello? Veriz- Ah, I mean tumblr speaking.
  • Business Representative: ■■■■■■■
  • Verizon: I see.
  • Business Representative: ■■■■■■■
  • Verizon: Very interesting.
  • Business Representative: ■■■■■■■
  • Verizon: You've proposed an offer I cannot resist. I look forward to doing business with you. *hangs up* Sweet capital.

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