Summary : you have some bad thoughts and doubts about yourself and your relationship
Pairing: bucky x reader
Warnings: sad shit, crying a lot, angst, tiny bit of fluff, happy end, mentions of a nightmare
A/n: I wrote this in like 20 minutes so sorry if its really bad but I just wanted to share that.
Also don’t judge me for this I kinda feel like this is something personal?? Idk
Its been going on for so long now that you can’t even remember when it started anymore. It must have had a reason. Or maybe not.
You couldn’t tell. This feeling was so stupid. You shouldn’t feel like this, you know this feeling is just imagination and not true but what are you supposed to do ?
You can’t fight it anymore. You can’t fight your heart anymore.
Its too hard.
And it breaks you.
It was a dumb desire. A need to make things better. But you couldn’t .
You just didn’t feel like yourself anymore.
It was not so easy to be described but you just couldn’t fight against it anymore.
It was so hard. And so exhausting.
So why not leave ? Take your bags and leave.
That’s what you thought. Over and over again.
It’s been your inner conflict in so many sleepless nights in which you suffered from all these pessimistic thoughts while the person next to you didn’t even have a clue of what was going on.
You often just stayed awake looking at the ceiling for hours deep in thoughts until you finally caught your braveness and looked down to him.
And there he was laying next to you with his hands around you , breathing slow and steady.
And in these moments you found yourself smiling.
Smiling at the pure sensation of what seemed to be luck .
Smiling at the warm feeling making its way through your chest.
But then again you weren’t fair. And you weren’t honest in any way.
And you found your self averting your eyes from bucky back to the ceiling again because you couldn’t bare to look at him anymore.
In your head you replayed all the memories and you silently cursed because you knew you couldn’t safe this.
This relationship was about to fall down.
You were scared to lose everything you’ve ever known but it was just too much.
Maybe love was just not the right thing for you.
Maybe you weren’t meant to love.
Maybe love wasn’t meant for you.
This situation had too many mistakes and you knew you couldn’t safe this love. You couldn’t safe this relationship.
You just didn’t feel good enough anymore.
You didn’t feel like this was the way it used to be, a happy genuine relationship that was based on love.
Of course you loved bucky.
But Bucky. You didn’t know if he loved you anymore.
And that was too much for you.
The thoughts of being not enough.
And there wasn’t really anything you could do.
You tried being better. You tried pleasing everyone but you couldn’t do it anymore. You couldn’t pretend to be something you are not, anymore.
It was just too hard.
A tear ran down your eye as you slowly close your eyes, preparing to be weak. For only a minute. A second.
But then the left bedside began to shake and it felt like something familiar.
Something horrible and as you laid your eyes on bucky you saw him frowning deeply as he whispered something.
And for a moment you debated. You debated with yourself.
Should you just leave him in this nightmare.
Let him feel the sadness and the lag of hope you’ve felt these past weeks ?
And for a minute you just laid there watching as he struggled, not even attempting to soothe him at least a bit.
And then you thought ‘what are you doing ?’ And you didn’t know. ‘What is wrong with you?’ You thought and you didn’t know.
The tears fell from your eyes. Tears caused by your own cruelty.
You still loved him and you watched him suffer just like that.
And you cried even more as you slowly realized what you did.
And you cried.
You cried as you shook his shoulder, you cried as you spoke to him.
And then finally, he stirred awake. And with the shock written on his face he jumped up.
Sitting on the bed he buried his head in his hands crying silently and you sat behind him, watching his back as it shook with quiet sobs.
You felt your hand reaching out to him, wanting to feel him.
Make sure he was okay.
And as you touched him he tensed, and his head snapped around to look at you with wide eyes and then even more tears fell from his eyes as he quickly hugged you tight against his chest.
He cried into your shoulder and you cried with him. Because it felt like it was one of the last times that you were embraced by his warm arms.
He pulled you tighter and tighter , rocking back and forth and it was so heartbreaking and so saddening.
But these moments, in which you felt needed and important were rare.
You just felt unappreciated, unimportant and not good enough.
Not good enough.
Not good enough.
Not good enough.
“I dreamed that you left me” he mumbled against your neck in a shaky breath, pulling you even tighter in fear you’d do what he said.
In fear of loosing you.
“It felt so real” he whispered, followed by tears and you sat in his arms, motionless and speechless.
This was exactly what you had thought about in all these days.
All these weeks you just felt like grabbing your bag and leaving without another word because it was the only thing left for you to do.
The only thing that was right.
Because you weren’t enough.
And here you saw it, what it would do to him if you left.
He was desperate.
And without your permission your hands found their way around his back, running up and down soothingly as you Nuzzled your head to his neck, breathing in his sent.
You hesitated for a moment, just blankly staring against the wall.
It broke is heart and yours.
But did you really want this ?
Do you really want to stay ?
And in your heads the words of all your former loves replayed ‘someone will love you’ 'someone will love you’ 'someone will love you’.
And then suddenly you knew, that someone was bucky.
Bucky was the one to give you his everything.
And then suddenly you knew you were appreciated and you were loved.
You are wanted and you’re needed.
And now you felt so dumb.
So dumb for even feeling differently. For almost destroying what you always wanted.
For almost breaking two hearts at a time.
You squeezed him tighter as your eyes shut, with tears falling from them as you mumbled against his neck with all the honesty that was left in your tired body.
“I will never leave you.”