Okay can we talk about the look that Ian gives Mickey when Mickey says that Ian had his back more than his family ever did?
How tragic is that Ian is shocked when Mickey said that because he has realized just how untrue that is? He clearly knows that Mickey is giving him entirely too much credit. He completely recognizes that he wasn’t actually there for Mickey nearly as much as Mickey seems to remember, and he feels bad because if the limited amount of times that Ian backed him up is considered more than his family… Then Ian is finally realizing just how alone Mickey always was. Looking in Ian’s eyes and seeing that regret and that shame honestly made me forgive him instantly because it was made painfully clear that he knew how much of an ass he was and he feels bad for it (though I had already mostly excused him because he was unmedicated, but this took the cake). I feel like this is something that a lot of Ian haters seem to overlook is the fact that Ian clearly knows that he fucked up and clearly knows that he was horrible to Mickey and that he doesn’t deserve him anymore and that is just so upsetting to see him recognize that.
Who’s to say that Ian wasn’t constantly wrestling with his guilt at knowing that in the end he wasn’t a very good boyfriend to Mickey even before this moment? (Obviously I know it wasn’t his fault, but try telling that to Ian… especially in this moment.) He recognized that he did build a wall between him and Mickey that hurt both of them. That wall was built when he broke up with him in 5x12, I argue to protect Mickey from hurting if Ian decided to remain unmedicated, but also to protect himself from the pain of knowing he would be hurting Mickey, and also to protect himself from Mickey eventually leaving (which I have no doubt Ian saw happening while his plan was still to keep off his meds). When Mickey punched him in the arm for not visiting him, I felt all of that built up pain and resentment for being abandoned and my heart broke so much. Imagine the resentment he was burying deep up until that moment. All of the visitation days he was waiting, hoping, for Ian to show up and never did. The letters he may have started but never sent because he knew he wouldn’t get a response. So literally all he had in prison was the memory of their relationship and his confidence that if he got to see Ian on his meds that Ian would be back to his Ian, or at least closer, and that they could make it work. Then my heart double broke when I saw the shame in Ian’s eyes for knowing he abandoned Mickey…
Guys, I am so not fucking okay. I am so far from okay.